Category: 1st Marriage

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Resolving Conflict

‘Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory. ‘ Romans 15:7(NLT)

‘or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:5(NLT)

Conflict is inevitable in every marriage — all couples will disagree about certain things.

We come into marriage with different backgrounds, desires, priorities and personalities

  • It’s no good trying to force our partner to do things our way
  • If we have the right tools, addressing the conflict can strengthen our relationship
  • In marriage, we are on the same side, the same team

Four principles for handling conflict

1. Remember your partner’s positive qualities

Continue to show appreciation for what you love (and admire) about your partner (even while you may disagree passionately about various issues). The more we concentrate on the things we appreciate about each other, the more appreciative we become of each other. 

Make it a daily habit to show your appreciation of your partner.

2. Recognise that differences are good

Don’t try to change each other. Learn to accept differences of temperament, personality, upbringing and values.

See your marriage as a partnership in which you combine your strengths and support each other’s weaknesses.

3. Look for an ‘us’ solution

Five practical steps:

1. Focus on the issue

  • move the issue from between you and put it in front of you
  • discuss the issue rather than attacking each other

2. Use ‘I’ statements

  • avoid labelling (‘You always…’, ‘You never…’)
  • describe your feelings (‘I feel undervalued when…’)

3. Listen to each other

  • take it in turns to talk (the speaker holds something to indicate whose turn it is)

4. Brainstorm possible solutions

  • make a list if necessary

5. Decide on the best solution for now and review later

  • if it’s not working, try another solution from your list

Take an issue that’s causing conflict and try using these five steps.

4. Support your partner

When we expect our partner to meet all our needs, we inevitably fail each other and get hurt, causing our marriage to spiral downwards. 

Focus more on meeting your partner’s needs rather than expecting them to meet yours. 

When we look to God to meet our needs for unconditional love, we are able to focus more easily on each other’s needs.

Praying for each other helps us connect on a regular basis

  • five to ten minutes a day is generally better than one hour every month
  • ask each other, ‘What can I pray for you today?’
  • draw on God’s promises from the Bible and start with thankfulness
  • the closer each of us is individually in our relationship with God, the closer we will be to each other as husband and wife
  • if one of you has upset the other, say sorry and forgive each other before praying

Ask your partner, ‘What can I pray for you today?’

from The Marriage Course

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

The Art of Communication

‘Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.’ Proverbs 18:13(NLT)

We all have a deep longing for emotional connection; it is a fundamental human need. Emotional connection in marriage will only be achieved where there is good communication.

Effective communication

Different levels of communication:

  • Level 1: Passing on information
  • Level 2: Sharing our ideas and opinions
  • Level 3: Being open about our feelings and needs

Level 3 takes vulnerability and requires trust and involves both speaking and listening well.

Good communication is multilayered; it involves:

  • our words
  • our tone of voice
  • our body language

The importance of listening

Our aim in marriage should be to listen twice as much as we talk.

Good listening is one of the most important skills to learn for a strong marriage. Listening has great power to make our husband or wife feel loved and valued.

Hindrances to listening

Five bad listening habits

1. Disengaging

When we have a separate conversation going on in our head or we’re not listening properly because of our physical environment.



2. Reassuring

Not allowing our partner to voice negative emotions.

3. Giving advice

Focusing on solutions rather than empathising with our partner.

4. Going off on a tangent

Taking over the conversation with our own agenda.

5. Interrupting

Failing to let our partner finish what they want to say.

These habits can prevent the speaker from saying what they’re feeling, which may eventually cause them to shut down.

We can all learn the art of effective listening, but it takes time and requires us to be intentional.

Five steps for reflective listening

1. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes

Put your own views to one side and really appreciate what it’s like for your partner to be feeling the way that they do.

2. Acknowledge what they’ve said

When you have listened to what your partner wants to say, reflect back what they have said rather than putting your own opinion or point of view.

3. Find out what is most important

Then ask your husband or wife: ‘What is the most important part of what you have been saying?’

4. Help them work out what they might do

Now ask: ‘Is there anything you would like to do (or, if appropriate, like me or us to do) about what you have said?’

5. Ask if your partner has said all they need to

Don’t assume you already know everything your partner wants to say. If there is more, reflect this back, too. 

from The Marriage Course

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Strengthening Connection

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

Marriage is designed to be the closest possible relationship of increasing intimacy and growing interdependence. But this is not automatic; we have to keep working at our marriage if we’re to stay closely connected. 

Tending a vineyard

Four analogies for tending a marriage:

1. Adjusting

The early years of marriage require a lot of adjustment. 

We can change ourselves; we can’t change our partner.

2. Pruning

As life gets busier, a key skill in marriage is prioritizing our relationship (pruning back certain areas of our lives in order to prioritize another). 

We will only survive as a couple if we learn to prioritize our marriage relationship over every other demand on our time. 

3. Supporting

Marriages need a support network (eg, friends, family, older married couples we learn from).

We may face challenges from illness, infertility, finances, empty nest, elderly parent(s).

Supporting and encouraging our partner is essential.

When we support each other, the very challenges we face can draw us closer together. 

4. Renewing



Being prepared to talk about our own individual needs and desires.

Sharing with our partner our hopes for our future together.



Slowing down for long enough to decide on changes we’d like to make.

Considering if we should stop certain activities in order to have more time together.

Starting something new that will strengthen or restore or renew the connection between us. 

If you’re struggling in your marriage, we want to encourage you that reconnecting is possible. When couples tend their relationship, things can change dramatically and they can go on to experience a new connection and intimacy. 

Make time for each other

Making time for the people that matter most in our lives doesn’t just happen; it requires a conscious decision. If a relationship is to thrive and keep growing, we must have regular quality time together.

Plan a ‘date’ with your partner once a week – spend one to two hours alone together to rekindle romance, have fun and talk together about your feelings (your hopes, fears, worries, excitements).

Nurture each other

Nurturing involves seeking to meet each other’s emotional needs for affection, encouragement, support, comfort, etc.

It’s as though there’s an empty space inside each of us that needs to be filled up with another person’s love and attention

  • when we’re known intimately, when we’re loved by another, we are no longer alone; the space inside is filled up

The way to keep filling this space inside is by recognizing and meeting each other’s emotional needs.

from The Marriage Course

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

31 Day Marriage Reset – Day 31

‘Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory.”’ Psalms 50:15(NLT)

To be happily married, you must divorce pride, insecurities, impatience, the past, anger, bitterness, sin, and resentment many many times but never your spouse. 

•••

You guys, Satan is called the great deceiver, not because he is great in any way, but because he has been in the game for a long time. He knows when to step out and when to stand still. He is like a lion, prowling, lurking, waiting for a vulnerable moment to devour your marriage. It is so important to know that your marriage is on Satan’s hit list. Your marriage has a target on it. He hates you. He hates your marriage. And he hates God’s plan for your marriage. That is why it is so important to be intentional about standing on the Word of God! We as God’s Army always have to be on guard. We must be prepared to fight. We must call on the name of Jesus! We must lay our marriages in His hands! Because though our enemy is out for us, he is no match for our God. However, it’s up to us to cling to God through the valley or to fall for Satan’s falsified joy ride to the mountain top that leads to regret and heartbreak. Choose Jesus!

from 31 Day Marriage Reset

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

31 Day Marriage Reset – Day 30

‘And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ‘ Romans 8:28(NLT)

It is not your job to fix your marriage. It is your job to love your spouse even when your marriage seems broken.

•••

It would be so easy, when things get hard, to just put your phone on silent, get in the car, and drive off. The reason we would never encourage that is because that gives Satan room to put your spouse in a state of torment. However, sometimes it is very important, when things get hard, to seclude yourself. To ask your spouse if you can just have a ten-minute break to get alone with Jesus. Jesus shows us how important that is many times in the Bible. He got away to pray. He got away to have time with God alone and give God room to speak. When there are broken moments, days, and even seasons in your marriage, put your attention on God and not on fixing your marriage. The key to a broken marriage is not your marriage being fixed, but your thoughts being fixed. Cling to God’s promises in the midst of confusion and what may seem like chaos and give God room to shape you and mold you through it. Maybe the real project God is working on not your marriage, but you. 

from 31 Day Marriage Reset

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

31 Day Marriage Reset – Day 29

‘The whole assembly agreed to this, for the people could see it was the right thing to do. So David summoned all Israel, from the Shihor Brook of Egypt in the south all the way to the town of Lebo-hamath in the north, to join in bringing the Ark of God from Kiriath-jearim. Then David and all Israel went to Baalah of Judah (also called Kiriath-jearim) to bring back the Ark of God, which bears the name of the Lord who is enthroned between the cherubim. They placed the Ark of God on a new cart and brought it from Abinadab’s house. Uzzah and Ahio were guiding the cart. David and all Israel were celebrating before God with all their might, singing songs and playing all kinds of musical instruments—lyres, harps, tambourines, cymbals, and trumpets. But when they arrived at the threshing floor of Nacon, the oxen stumbled, and Uzzah reached out his hand to steady the Ark. ‘ 1 Chronicles 13:4-9(NLT)

The most contagious thing that you will ever bring home to your family is your attitude. Make sure you are spreading something in your home that Jesus doesn’t have to heal. 

•••

We cannot afford to run out of patience before we see our spouse. We cannot afford to run out of grace before we see our spouse. We cannot afford to not be kind. We cannot afford to be snappy. We can’t afford to refuse affection. Why? Because those are the things that Satan is selling, and they will make your marriage go bankrupt. It is so important to bring home a good attitude to your spouse. It is so important that your spouse is not getting your leftovers. It is so important to reflect Jesus. Jesus is the easiest person to live with, so the more we become like Him, the more our home becomes a place of refuge and peace. Decide today that you are more than a conqueror through Christ and you can overcome a bad attitude for the sake of your marriage! 

from 31 Day Marriage Reset

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

31 Day Marriage Reset – Day 28

‘How great is the goodness you have stored up for those who fear you. You lavish it on those who come to you for protection, blessing them before the watching world.’ Psalms 31:19(NLT)

You may not have went into your marriage expecting it to turn out the way it is, but God did. Talk to Him about it. 

•••

Have you ever went into something expecting it to go one way, yet it went the opposite? As much as I hope that isn’t your marriage, but if it is you are not alone. I think this happens to a lot of people. You go into marriage so giddy and head over heels. The honeymoon stage is so fun. Then you get into a rhythm and the reality of work, family, and many other things get added into the mix. You get comfortable and some of the things that once made you so excited have seemed to fade out? That’s a normal place, but don’t settle for that. Ask God to restore that excitement. Ask Him to show you new ways to bless your spouse. Ask Him to bring your marriage to its full potential and to use you in any way that He can. Maybe it’s time to let some things go that were said or done in the past. Ask God to help you get rid of any filth that has built up in your mind that is keeping you from the intimacy you once had. God is willing and able to restore, you just have to decide not to settle for less. 

from 31 Day Marriage Reset

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

31 Day Marriage Reset – Day 27

‘This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!’ 2 Corinthians 5:17(NLT)

God, if I ever stop seeing my spouse the way that You do, please remove my hands from my eyes. 

•••

Sometimes it’s easy to see our spouse for the things they do rather than who they are. It’s easier to see their weaknesses than it is to see their strengths. It’s easier to see their stumbles than it is to see their strides. However, that is the opposite of how God looks at us. He sees us through the eyes of love. He sees the best in us, even in our worst seasons. He is our biggest fan. He is our greatest friend. The way He looks at us is how we should strive to see our spouse. An encourager, not a nagger. A forgiver, not one to hold a grudge. He is for us, not against us.

from 31 Day Marriage Reset

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

31 Day Marriage Reset – Day 26

‘So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ‘ Galatians 6:9(NLT)

Even if your spouse isn’t doing as they should, you still should.

•••

One time I was at conference and the speaker was talking about how they had been in a dry season, and were having a hard time hearing the voice of God. They said that while they were in that season, since they weren’t sure what step to take next or what direction God was calling them in, the only thing they knew to do was to continue living according to God’s Word. To wake up every day in that season and say, “God, I give this day to you. Help me to live in a way that glorifies You.” I thought that was so powerful. That when we don’t know what to do, we can simply just do what is right. We can  continue to be faithful with our every moment. I love how the sermon ended, too. They said that in that season, one day they woke up and heard God so clearly say, “It’s over.” That day that season ended, and God started to take them in such a clear direction. Sometimes we go through seasons that aren’t fun, that aren’t enjoyable, and that are just down right hard, but we are still called to be faithful in the waiting. If you’re in one of those seasons, while you wait submit yourself to God, and choose to do the right thing.

from 31 Day Marriage Reset

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

31 Day Marriage Reset – Day 25

‘I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.’ Romans 15:13(NLT)

Today is a good day to choose a good day.

•••

Sometimes good days don’t just come naturally. The morning is hectic, someone gets a flat tire, the power gets cut off, etc. Sometimes things happen that literally make us feel like the whole day was just awful. However, that doesn’t have to be the case! It does have to be a choice, though. Sometimes we are put in positions where we can either have a bad attitude about an unfortunate event, or we can thank God for all the blessings in our lives. Today is a good day to choose a good day. Not based on how the day goes, but based on the fact that God has been so good to you. Make today the day that you start trying to focus on your blessings rather than your circumstances. 

from 31 Day Marriage Reset