Category: 1st Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Dealing with Differences

‘So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.’ Genesis 1:27(NLT)

‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”’ John 13:34-35(NLT)

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

‘Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 4:15(NLT)

Men and women may be of the same species, but we operate on different wavelengths. Take bathroom items, for example. A typical man has about four: a toothbrush, razor, bar of soap, and an old hotel towel. A woman usually has around 328, and a typical man can identify only about a dozen of them.

A few years back, my wife, Lenya, and I were discussing a book we’d read about the differences between men’s and women’s brains. She didn’t know that men have a “nothing file” in our minds, which we enjoy because it’s empty and separate from all our other files (wife, kids, work, sports, etc.). I found out that all of a woman’s files are interconnected, and if you tweak one, you tweak all of them.

 When Lenya told me, “My new worst fear is that my emotions might get put into your nothing file,” I reassured her, “I’m not going to let it happen.” We’ve learned over the years to embrace our differences, especially when they’re challenging.

Because here’s the deal: when it comes to male and female, different doesn’t mean superior or inferior—just different. Men and women are physiologically and socially different, especially when it comes to things like communication. And because God made us this way—”male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:27)—there’s purpose in the distinctions. More specifically, a husband and wife are to mutually complete and complement each other in their differences, thus maximizing their lives.

The world seems to be caught between two extreme ways of looking at the so-called battle of the sexes: chauvinism and feminism. But Jesus offers a better way. Because of what He did on the cross, men and women can be redeemed and made new, given the ability to walk in the Spirit and love others as Jesus loves them. So whatever you and your spouse’s tendencies are as husband and wife, God wants you to learn to accept and respect each other, extending His grace whenever possible. When your differences inevitably begin to grate on your nerves, let love guide you to a better understanding of each other and of what marriage is all about. And vive la différence!

Tip #5: Talk things out. If the three rules of real estate are location, location, location, then the three most important traits for a successful marriage are communication, communication, communication. Learn early on to be honest and open with each other, “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15).

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

The Honeymoon Ends—Be Prepared

‘The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made. One day he asked the woman, “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” “Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’” “You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.” The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. ‘ Genesis 3:1-6(NLT)

‘so that Satan will not outsmart us. For we are familiar with his evil schemes.’ 2 Corinthians 2:11(NLT)

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.’ Ephesians 4:26-27(NLT)

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

You may have left adversity off your guest list for the wedding, but it’ll crash your marriage anyway. There are a number of reasons for that. For one, many couples go into marriage ignorant of or choosing to ignore a simple but profound truth: we are all sinners married to sinners trying to do marriage in a broken world. On top of that, we have an Enemy who hates God and will do all he can to destroy what God calls good—especially marriage.

This Enemy, Satan, has a typical approach to disrupting God’s work in the world, as seen in his temptation of Eve in the garden (see Genesis 3:1-6). This story highlights four of his tactics you and your spouse should be prepared for when the honeymoon ends and everyday life sets in:

Tactic #1: He challenges God’s love. How many times has Satan whispered to a married couple, “God doesn’t want you in this relationship if it’s painful or hard. He wants you to be happy, and the happiest way is out”? The truth is that God is good, sovereign, and loving, which means He both allows and uses the hardships in our lives to grow us in our relationships and shape us more into the image of Christ.

Tactic #2: He challenges God’s Word. If Satan can get you to question the authority of the Bible, he will win. Continuously doubting God’s Word, especially when it comes to His blueprint for marriage—”Why would I listen to such an outdated book?”—will eventually lead you to wonder why you should go to church or spend time with Christian couples. There’s a direct correlation between major marital issues and a couple’s lack of time spent with God reading His Word and praying.

Tactic #3: He substitutes a lie. If Satan can successfully challenge God’s love and dethrone His Word in your life, he’ll then insert his own lie in their place. Shifting God out of His proper position as Lord of your life creates a vacuum that’s easily filled by the false wisdom of the world or your own untrustworthy feelings.

Tactic #4: He employs incessant temptation. Satan is like a woodpecker: he finds a weak spot and keeps coming back to break through to the vulnerable stuff beneath to get you to sin.

The fall is a reality. So is Satan, and so are the struggles every marriage must face. But by being aware of Satan’s devices, anchoring yourself to the bedrock truth of God’s Word, and inviting the Lord into your marriage each and every day, you can experience victory. With God in the equation, you and your spouse are more than equal to the task.

Tip #4: The happiest marriage is the union of two forgiven forgivers. When you know how much you’ve been forgiven by God, you can then extend forgiveness to your spouse on a regular basis. Otherwise, anger and unforgiveness will burn a hole in your heart and eventually explode in some unexpected way. So learn to let it go. Practice saying, “I’m sorry.” And “do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV).

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Two Becoming One

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:4-6(NLT)

To follow God’s good plan for your marriage, it’s going to take more than just saying, “I do.” Genesis 2 outlines the original biblical directive for the marriage relationship: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (v. 24). This verse centers on a three-part process for a husband and wife: they must leave, cleave, and weave.

Leave: The idea of leaving your parents when you marry simply means that relationship must be severed to solidify another. The idea is for you to cut the cord of dependence on them while still honoring them, and for them to treat you and your spouse as adults.

Making this break sets the tone for all your other relationships. If you’re reprioritizing such a critical relationship as this, then everything else must also take a back seat to your marriage, including your career, friends, hobbies, habits, pets, and gadgets.

Cleave: Leaving leads to cleaving, a term from the King James translation of the Bible that means to be joined to or united with. The Hebrew word, dabaq, conveys the idea of permanence, like something being glued or even welded together.

When I perform a wedding, I ask the couple to say, “I will” rather than “I do,” and I tell them why: “I do” means “I do right now,” whereas “I will” means “I do now and I will continue to in the future, because our lives from this point on are welded together.”

Saying “I will” also speaks of the practical action that should follow cleaving to each other. A husband promises to be faithful to his wife until death parts them—even if her looks fade or she doesn’t cook or tidy up as much as she used to. Same goes for the woman whose husband’s gut has expanded and hair has thinned; she promises to stay committed to him. Just as God doesn’t take back His gift of salvation when we mess up, we should enter marriage committed to keeping all the promises we make at the altar.

Weave: Genesis 2:24 doesn’t say a husband and wife will be one flesh, but they shall become one flesh. Becoming one flesh means you and your spouse share everything: bodies, possessions, insights, triumphs, and trials. And it’s a process, much like weaving a tapestry. Think of it like this: a strong marriage is held together by thousands of little threads that you weave with your spouse every single day. Will you commit to investing in this process, starting today?

Tip #3: There are a thousand different ways to express love to and surprise your spouse: A phone call in the middle of the day. An unexpected gift. His favorite dessert. Her favorite perfume. Being primped when he comes home. Telling her how great she looks. Doing something fun together you really enjoy, like having a movie night with popcorn or taking a drive through the country. The Bible encourages us not to despise “the day of small things” (Zechariah 4:10). Learn what puts the sparkle in your spouse’s eye and do it. Remember: a marriage that plays together stays together. 

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

God’s Great Design

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed.’ Genesis 2:18-23(NLT)

‘But God is my helper. The Lord keeps me alive!’ Psalms 54:4(NLT)

‘You cry out, “Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows.’ Malachi 2:14(NLT)

When you and your spouse got married, your singleness became oneness, as Adam recognized so beautifully in Genesis 2. When God brought Eve to him, he responded with a poem that doesn’t sound like much in English but has real merit in its original Hebrew:

This is now bone of my bones

And flesh of my flesh;

She shall be called Woman,

Because she was taken out of Man (v. 23).

It was as if he was saying, “Where have you been all my life?” even as he sensed the answer: she had been part of him, and now they were being reunited.

And Eve was meant to be “a helper comparable to him” (v. 18), as God put it. Now, God wasn’t suggesting that the wedding vows read, “I take you to be my lawfully wedded maid, to wash and to fold from this day forward.” The Hebrew word for helper, ezer, refers to someone who supplies something crucially lacking—a vital missing part. More often than not in the Old Testament, it’s a word that describes God. Furthermore, the woman was to be a comparable helper to the man, his corresponding counterpart, like how the north pole must have a south pole.

Where Adam and Eve had been two people, now they were to be one unit—a covenant team. In the legal sense, a covenant is a binding arrangement that commits two or more parties to perform certain actions. When God calls a man and a woman to get married, they enter into a solemn, formal arrangement whereby they promise to act in certain ways toward each other for mutual benefit. Sounds serious, right? It is. This covenant between husband and wife is key to their new identity in marriage, established by God to reflect the life-giving, joy-filled, promise-keeping relationship He desires with all people.

God’s plan for two to become one was and remains good. The flaw isn’t in His design but our execution; we tend to drift back toward the island of self. But once you’re married, there’s no going back to that island—at least not without a lot of resultant damage. Remind yourself that your spouse is God’s perfect gift to you (and frequently tell your spouse that, too)—not because either of you is perfect but because God is, and His plans for your marriage are good.

Tip #2: Talk up your spouse; be their biggest fan. Wives, it’s so meaningful when you tell your husband that you believe in him and in his ability to do the right thing. Husbands, I’ve found that you can never tell your wife, “I love you” often enough. In fact, there’s magic in those three little words, so make sure both of you say them to each other every day. Be sincere in what you say, but also make sure you say positive things out loud to each other when you think of them. It’s a game changer.

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip HeitzigKeep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

The Island of Self

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12(NLT)

‘Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:1-3(NLT)

‘Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses.’ Proverbs 10:12(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NLT)

I was miserable on my wedding day. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to get married—I did. But the tuxedo shop had given me shoes two sizes too small. The shoes were a bad fit for my feet, but my wife, Lenya, was the perfect fit for my life, just as God intended.

God established marriage to help individuals escape the island of self—that place into which all of us are born and spend a good chunk of our lives. On our individual islands, personal freedom and pleasure reign supreme.

But at some point, something drives us to escape it. Often it’s a romantic connection. We fall in love, and if it’s with the person with whom we want to share our life, we get married. Many of us then go on a honeymoon—a little adventure to some exotic place where we can enjoy a taste of the good life we anticipate with our new spouse.

Unfortunately, when we return, many of us go back to our islands, our old comfort zones populated by all our old defenses, our old schedule, and our old stuff exactly where we like it. This island is built for one person, so it’s tight quarters trying to share it with someone else. It doesn’t take long—a few post-honeymoon weeks, usually—before the piles of socks and constant demands for conversation have you thinking, I chose to share this?

If you’re like I was as a newlywed, you might be thinking, But we love each other. Surely we get a pass on all the friction that’s supposed to come with marriage. Love covers a multitude of sins, right? Well, while love goes a long way when it comes to pressing through the ups and downs of marriage, it doesn’t change the fact that every person on earth is at some point incompatible with every other person on earth. Marriage brings that truth into sharp focus.

So the challenge is clear: How do you learn to live with this person whom you love and have promised to stick by through thick and thin? It’s a lifelong process that requires you to follow God’s design for your relationship, which begins with you and your spouse leaving your separate islands of self and becoming one.

Tip #1: Accentuate the positive. If you and your spouse focus on each other’s faults, you will destroy your marriage. No one is perfect, but you can accept the imperfections in your spouse. Scripture tells us that “love covers all sins” (Proverbs 10:12) and “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV). When you focus on the good things about your spouse, the not-so-good things fade away.

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

“Value your spouse and realize that you hit the jackpot!”

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges ; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.’ Philippians 2:3-11(NLT)

One of the most profound things I saw in the research was when I asked the couples, “Who is responsible for the happiness in your marriage?” Most people on the anonymous survey said something like, “Really, it’s me. I work hard to be a good spouse, and it makes a difference.”

Strikingly, there was one exception: the happiest couples. They said the opposite. Eight out of ten pointed at their spouse and said, with gratitude in their heart: “It’s all her; she’s an amazing wife.” “It’s all him; I hit the jackpot.”

One of the greatest secrets to a happy marriage is gratitude. Thankfulness. An overt recognition that you hit the jackpot. And this comes when you realize that you are not perfect, and are so grateful to have someone who is on your side and loves you anyway.

It is so easy to focus on ways we’re doing great and what the other person is…. well… not. But the Word of God says that we should regard one another as better than ourselves. One spouse said everything changed in her marriage when “I allowed myself to see the amazingness of my spouse. I know that isn’t a word – but it should be!” There is such power in being attuned to the “amazingness” of your spouse. You live in a constant state of gratitude and awe of the blessing of being married to this wonderful person.

This requires you to take on the attitude of humility. Not every day is perfect and of course, there will be times your spouse makes mistakes. Rather than allowing yourself to think that you are pulling the weight of the relationship, you can choose to honor your spouse and what they do contribute. Christ chose to regard us above Himself. You can do the same for your spouse.

So the next time your spouse doesn’t take out the trash or seems to not appreciate you, choose to not roll your eyes. Ask God to reveal the ways you don’t always measure up, either, and just how much your spouse does do for you. Think about and honor the personality God has given them, that is exactly what you need. Think about and honor who they are.

As you realize your own shortcomings and affirm the value of your spouse, you will find gratitude popping up everywhere. And as you respond with true thankfulness, it will lead your spouse to want to become the person you already see them to be.

Every day, ask God to open your eyes to the “awesomeness” of your spouse. Seeing the best will bring out the best. And you will find that you have “hit the jackpot” all along in the partner God has blessed you with, to walk through life together.

Dear Lord, thank you for my spouse and blessing me with a partner for life. Open my eyes to see both my own shortcomings and their strengths. Give me that heart of gratitude for them. Even in moments of mistakes, let me value them and honor them above myself. Let an attitude of honor and thankfulness fill our marriage and all that we do for all the years to come. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

“Stop trying to protect yourself, and be all in.“

‘All who declare that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first. If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their fellow believers.’ 1 John 4:15-21(NLT)

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:5-6(NLT)

Our culture doesn’t always make it easy to stay married, does it? One of the messages we hear is that we should keep a little piece of ourselves private. You know, like feelings you keep from your mate but share with some other friend. Or a secret bank account with a little stash on the side “just in case.”

We’re told that’s the wise thing to do. And yet the research was clear: the actions we take to protect ourselves actually build a wall. They create a lack of trust. They cause suspicion to creep in. (“Why won’t you show me your bank account statement?” “Well, why will you tell your friend this stuff, but not me?”) In other words: they create the very problem we are trying to protect ourselves from.

God has designed marriage to be the ultimate “all in” institution. That is why God joins a man and a woman for life; He wants us to be set free to take what seems like the scary risk of complete, naked, utter transparency with no self-protection, knowing that the other person isn’t going anywhere.

It can indeed feel scary to step out in that way. But once we do, we find that this ultimate risk is what creates the ultimate security.

In the research, many of the couples had moved from being very troubled in their marriage to being very happy. And the change came when they stopped trying to protect themselves and eliminated their other options. They literally removed the word “divorce” from their vocabularies. They took a deep breath and gave each other full access to parts of their life they had previously kept private. They made themselves completely vulnerable to each other.

Is there something you’re holding back? If you’re afraid of the “what if’s,” find boldness in God’s great love for you. Don’t lean on and trust your own understanding, because your own understanding can have hurt feelings and suspicions, and can never truly know the mind of God. Instead, trust Him. Let His love come in and banish the fear that causes you to hold back in your marriage. Then you can live confidently and boldly through Him, letting go of the fears that divide you from your spouse.

In marriage, you truly get what you give. We get so much more when we give our spouses our all, are all in no matter what. So go ahead: jump into the deep end, and get in over your head! You will find God is there with you every inch of the way.

Dear Lord, if there are any areas of my life I have withheld from my spouse, help me to let go of the fears and mistrust that have caused me to do that. I choose to set aside my own understanding, and let Your love fill my heart so I can be confident in You. Give me wisdom as I open up to my spouse so that we can be unified together in our marriage. I trust in You. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

“Don’t Look to Marriage or Your Spouse To Make You Happy”

‘Take delight in the Lord , and he will give you your heart’s desires.’ Psalms 37:4(NLT)

‘Then God gave the people all these instructions : “I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery. “You must not have any other god but me. “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands.’ Exodus 20:1-6(NLT)

‘Give your burdens to the Lord , and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.’ Psalms 55:22(NLT)

In my research with teens, I was fascinated to find that the happiest kids were not the ones whose parents put them (the kids) first. Instead, they were the ones who knew their parents loved them, but also knew their parents were looking higher and prioritizing their marriage even above the children.

I found an interesting parallel in the research with the happiest spouses. They loved each other, and enjoyed having a happy marriage, but didn’t put their spouse at the center of their life and weren’t looking to marriage for happiness. Instead, they looked higher. In large numbers, they said they put God at the center of their marriage and tried – however imperfectly! – to look to Him alone for fulfillment and happiness.

This wouldn’t have surprised me if I’d only studied people in churches– but I purposefully conducted random interviews everywhere in order to include those who, statistically, might not believe in God. But the happiest couples kept bringing Him up! Whether it was someone next to me at the airport or in a doctor’s waiting room, those who were the happiest in marriage kept mentioning the importance of looking to God alone. Both because they relied on His power to be selfless when they didn’t want to be (!) and because looking to God took the pressure off their mate.

It can be so tempting to want our spouse to make us happy. But think about it: would we want the reverse? Do we want our spouse to depend on us for our happiness? No way! I, for one, know how imperfect and selfish I am, and I would fail miserably if Jeff depended on me to make him happy. We would both end up miserable.

Maybe you have seen that yourself. So how can you avoid looking to marriage (or your mate) for the fulfillment that only God can deliver? First, purposefully commit to God that you are putting Him at the center of your marriage. You can do this even if your spouse doesn’t. Ask for his help in leaning on him in tough times, instead of letting your happiness be tied to what is going on in your marriage. For example, in a difficult season, try not to let it throw you. Do what you can to make it right, but trust God to bring things around. Take your frustrations and needs to God, instead of taking them out on your spouse. (One wife told me she would say, “God, give me your love for my spouse, because I just ain’t feelin’ it right now! If divorce isn’t acceptable, would murder be okay?”)

And start praying for your marriage. In the research, some of the couples who became very happy said they started praying together. Other couples didn’t pray together very often, but would simply let each other know they were praying about something separately. No matter what they did, though, they had a sense of relying on God to carry their marriage.

And as a result, these couples found they didn’t have to worry about being “strong enough” to weather the storms of life. Because they knew their hope and strength ultimately came from God.

Lord, I want an abundant marriage. But help me to delight myself in You first and foremost, and trust you for the desires of my heart. Help me to never look to my spouse for happiness, and instead look to you as the only One who can give true fulfillment. I put you at the center of my life and marriage, and ask you to help my spouse do the same. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

“Speak in kindness instead of just ‘telling it like it is’.”

‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.’ Proverbs 18:21(NLT)

‘We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.’ James 3:3-12(NLT)

‘Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 4:15(NLT)

‘Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.’ Proverbs 12:18(NLT)

Have you ever been out in public and heard someone talking to their spouse in a way that made you wince? Like: “I cannot believe you forgot to bring the kids’ coats today! It’s freezing outside! What were you thinking?”

Most of us would never speak that way to our spouse in public. But how about at home, where nobody else can hear? Has an exasperated tone ever crept into your voice? When you are angry, hurt or frustrated, have you ever let it all pour out with no filter?

It is so easy to take a spouse for granted, and to take intimacy for license. We can subconsciously think. Since we’re married, I don’t have to be as careful to be polite. We have to love each other regardless, so I can just speak without thinking about how it is perceived.

It is easy to assume that – but it is poisonous to the relationship.

In the research, it was clear that instead of taking the most license, the happiest couples display the highest degree of kindness. Sure, they are honest and share the “real deal”, but they are also especially careful to do it in a way their mate will never perceive as hurtful. Sure, they joke around and razz each other, but never at the expense of their spouse’s real feelings.

Today, we often hear that “You have to be able to be brutally honest in marriage.” Yet the Word says that reckless words “pierce like a sword.” Instead of allowing brutal honesty to hurt our spouse, we can choose to discipline our tongue. There will be times when we need to have a hard conversation, but that is when we need to be the most careful to protect the heart of the person who means the most to us. That is when we need to be the most careful to not just speak the truth – but speak the truth in love.

So how should you address it with your spouse, that even when you ask, they don’t remember to do things like putting the kids’ coats in the car? Well, do unto others, right? How would you want them to share a concern with you, about an area where you have fallen short?

No matter what is going on in our lives, we can decide to be respectful of our spouses in public and in private. Even better, we can look for opportunities, every day, to be more like Christ towards our spouse, and speak words of life. Kindness should be a way of life in our marriages.

Dear Lord, teach me to discipline my tongue and my words. Help me to speak words of life and not words that hurt my spouse. Let kindness flow through our conversation together. Help me to be both honest AND loving when I speak. May our marriage be full of security in each other and You. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

“Give the gift of time”

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12(NLT)

‘Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father. “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! ‘ John 15:4-11(NLT)

God designed marriage to be the most close and intimate of all friendships; at the most basic level, our spouse should be our best friend.

What is the most important factor for creating good friends, of any type? You might be surprised to learn that the greatest predictor of close friendships is not shared values or personality; it is geographic proximity. You’re simply closest to the people you see the most often.

It works the same in marriage. Which is why the happiest couples have learned that if they want a close marriage, they need to hang out a lot! Or at least spend time together via phone or email even if they are separated by many miles.

More than eight in ten of the happiest couples said they made it a point to spend time together at least weekly, and usually much more often. And although an official date night was nice, their “together time” was often more informal. These couples made choices like driving together to a child’s soccer practice – just to hang out. Spending Saturday morning reading the newspaper over coffee – not engaged in deep conversation, but just being together.

See a pattern? They were together. So they simply felt closer. They were better friends. Which insulated them from the inevitable shocks that hit a marriage.

Jesus points us to this same pattern; he valued close friendship, walking day to day in proximity with his twelve best friends. He told them (and us) to not just show up, but to abide in Him. John 15: 9: “Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.” Abide. Spend time with. Both with God and with your spouse.

Time together is especially important when you are feeling distant or at odds. There is such a temptation to avoid each other, to avoid all the conflict, emotion, and irritation. But that means you’re spending less time together right when you most need a strong friendship. Instead, the happiest couples lean in to their friendship during those times. They particularly avoid the subtle-but-poisonous temptation to spend more time with those friends who support them, than with their spouse. Because that would inevitably mean that they begin to feel closer to these friends than the spouse who is supposed to be their best friend.

To have a great marriage, you don’t need to schedule candlelight dinners and stare deeply into each other’s eyes (although there’s nothing wrong with that!). But when you simply hang out together … when you carve out time for your most important relationship… when you make a point of sharing the little day-to-day moments… the results of that in your marriage are profound.

Lord, help me see and seize those little opportunities to hang out with my spouse. To be his or her best friend. Help me to see that you want me to be the person who lifts my spouse up, who comes alongside, who walks the road together. Help me be the best friend

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage