Category: 1st Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Choose to Challenge Unspoken Truths

‘And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”’ John 8:32(NLT)

‘If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. ‘ 1 John 1:8(NLT)

‘Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. ‘ 1 John 3:18(NLT)

Some of the most insidious and destructive elements of a marriage are the assumptions spouses make about each other. Assumptions are sometimes based on previous experiences that have been interpreted and at other times are based on minimal factual information. They are beliefs that have been adopted that later become a part of the reality of the relationship.

The problem with assumptions is that they become what I call “unspoken truths.” These are assumptions, which may or may not be true, that are accepted as truth in a marriage. Once accepted, partners give up trying to change these beliefs. These “unspoken truths” form the basis for how spouses act toward each other and drive much of what happens in the relationship. Once spouses begin to accept these beliefs as givens in the relationship, they become the building blocks for their understanding of each other.

Can you identify with any of the “unspoken truths” below?

  • He cares more about his work than he does about me. 
  • She changed when we had kids; they have always been more important than me.
  • He won’t ever change—that’s just who he is.
  • No matter what I do, she’ll never really love me.
  • He says he works all those hours for us, but I think it’s really to prove something to himself.
  • I think he likes the idea of marriage but just not the reality of being married to me.

I have seen couples find hope in the transformation that happens when they are willing to do the work of exposing “unspoken truths” in their marriages. Something powerful happens when spouses are willing to risk vulnerability with one another, speak their hurt, and put the other partner first in their marriage. The same can be true for you in your marriage.

If you will begin to identify the assumptions in your relationship and honestly share these “unspoken truths” with each other, you can make a clear choice to live your life together differently. 

So many couples discover that they allow their entire marriage to be based on assumptions and beliefs, most of which are not true at all. When we make the brave choice to challenge these “unspoken truths” and no longer believe them, our relationship changes drastically. It may be overwhelming at first, but eventually this choice leads to healing and truth.

Complete these sentences with as much honesty and accuracy as possible with the intent to share with your spouse: 

My partner does not understand that I need ________. 

If I could change one part of myself for my partner, it would be _____.

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Choose to Get Rid of Baggage

‘Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.’ Colossians 3:2-4(NLT)

‘“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?’ Matthew 6:25-30(NLT)

‘No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ‘ Philippians 3:13(NLT)

The intent of today is to help you understand some of the relationship patterns you may have brought into your marriage from your childhood and your previous relationships. With knowledge of these patterns, you can learn positive strategies and stop using ineffective ones. Learning to change old patterns involves recognizing where you are in the process and getting out of it.

The patterns from the past, whether they come from your childhood or previous relationships, were successful and useful when you developed them. These behaviors and patterns helped you cope with the challenges you faced at those times. However, they may no longer be effective if the reasons you used them do not exist in your current marriage. 

I want to share what I believe is a very helpful skill to creating a healthy process of handling conflict in your marriage. One of the most effective parenting interventions is the time-out. When a child’s behavior gets out of control or parents need to change the direction of a child’s behavior, they have the child take a time-out. The same principle can work wonders for your marital relationship. The goal is to learn how to work together to effectively disengage when your interactions are not healthy.

Either one of you can call for a time-out, but you both need to commit to honoring the request when it is made. Additionally, you both agree to let go of your desire to win the fight and trust that taking a break is best for both parties. Simply agreeing to table the fight for the time being is far better than saying or doing hurtful things. The important thing here is not to use the time-out to run away from the conflict. The partner who asks for the time-out should let the other partner know when they think it might be okay to talk about the issue again. I cannot overstate the importance of learning to take these time-outs.

By considering the baggage you both bring to the relationship from your families of origin and past relationships, you’ll understand why some of the patterns in your relationship occur. Something as simple (but not easy) as taking a time-out is a learned tool that provides clear steps for changing hurtful patterns within your marriage.

Honor your spouse when they ask for a time-out in the middle of an argument. How did that feel to put their need to ‘pause’ ahead of your need to continue with the argument?

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Choose to Forgive

‘Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!’ Matthew 18:21-22(NLT)

‘throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. ‘ Ephesians 4:22(NLT)

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

Because of the necessity to forgive one another in any relationship we have, we are going to spell out what forgiveness looks like. There are four steps that couples need to learn in order to forgive. They are essential elements in the developmental process of forgiveness.

An authentic apology is the first step in the process of forgiveness and involves trying to understand why you offended the other person. It also involves making a real effort to prevent it from happening again. Making a sincere apology is an ongoing process that requires commitment and follow-through. But I caution you from apologizing when you don’t mean it. Apologize only when you mean it—when you believe that what you did was wrong and you want to put in the work to prevent doing it again.

Second, the process of forgiveness involves repentance. You have to show your partner that you are truly remorseful for your actions and that you have a plan in place that will make it possible for you to prevent a repeat performance in the future. This gives your apology some weight. If you don’t show remorse for your actions along with a clear desire to create lasting change in yourself, you don’t give your partner any reason to believe you won’t do the same thing again in the future. 

Accountability is the third step because it involves both parties setting some expectations for the future. However, accountability involves more than holding each other responsible for making changes. It is also about developing a plan for success that clearly identifies all the factors that contributed to what happened. This includes both partners, as one partner’s behavior may influence the ability of the other to make the necessary changes.

Lastly, accepting the apology of your partner means you are convinced that they feel true remorse for what they did and are working hard to prevent it from happening again. As a caution, you should not offer forgiveness unless you are honestly willing to let go of resentment and bitterness and treat the person as if the act hadn’t happened. You have to believe that your partner is capable of change and expect that they will succeed in that endeavor. This is much harder to do than you might think. It is much easier to protect yourself by expecting your partner to fail than to open yourself up to future pain by expecting success.

When was the last time you showed true remorse for a wrong you had committed toward another? Was their response one of compassion or judgment?

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Choose To Listen

‘Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.’ Proverbs 19:20(NLT)

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

Changing how you speak to each other, when you speak to each other, and where you speak to each other are important for building success in your marriage. Focusing on how you both feel rather than winning the argument and listening to your partner so that you truly understand what they want you to know are equally valuable choices. These choices can prevent the anger and resentment so many couples experience.

In the past, you may have felt enlightened for educating yourself with rules about fighting fairly in conflicts. I strongly disagree with such a notion. Couples will have disagreements, but I don’t want you to “fight fair.” I want you not to fight at all! I want to show you how positive communication will cause a shift in the direction of wholeness.

So what does positive communication look like? Positive communication focuses on what is currently happening at present; it does not bring up the past and create a negative atmosphere by reinstating old emotions. It focuses on one clear issue at a time. Honest communication doesn’t muddy the waters with different issues that are sensitive and emotional. Stay on task. 

Also, be aware that the right setting is essential for proper communication. Productive discourse occurs when both parties have energy, clarity, and focus. Therefore, trying to communicate at the end of the day when you are tired is not a good plan for talking with your spouse about something confrontational. Don’t choose the heat of the moment to drive your point home or try to hide the truth, either. That choice has harmful results, and you are learning to keep it positive and honest. 

Choosing to be resilient in your relationship involves more than communication. Couples who function from a positive mindset are more cooperative than competitive. When the relationship becomes competitive, it has likely also turned negative. In contrast, a healthy marriage is a cooperative venture in which both partners try to help each other become the best people and the best spouses they can be. The goal is not to win by ending up with more of the limited resources in the relationship, but to make sure that each partner is loved, accepted, valued, and honored in their interactions.

Is winning the argument more important to you than showing compassion toward your spouse? The next time you start to argue, intentionally choose to stop and listen to your spouse’s perspective. What happened when you did?

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Choose to Focus on the Process

‘Your kindness will reward you, but your cruelty will destroy you.’ Proverbs 11:17(NLT)

‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

‘Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction.’ Proverbs 18:20(NLT)

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.’ Philippians 4:8-9(NLT)

As we discussed on Day One, conflict is not a bad thing. What is important is how we deal with it. One of the biggest myths about marriage is that fights “just happen”; that they are random, unpredictable events. Instead, I believe that people make a conscious, deliberate choice when they decide to turn a disagreement into a fight. The success of a marriage is often seen in how a couple handles conflict with one another. 

This devotional is intended to help both of you become open to feedback from each other, choose to become the most authentic, loving partners possible, and learn to bring real and lasting transformation to your marriage. In my work with couples, I believe that process matters much more than content. I don’t think a difference in beliefs or attitudes about a certain topic creates conflict between partners; most couples can work through differences of opinion. The way couples treat each other when they talk about issues causes the greater conflict. In fact, many couples, when they learn to focus on treating each other with respect, honor, and love, sometimes don’t even remember what they were arguing about!

To this end, we need to understand what is meant when we talk about process.   When I refer to process, I am talking about the way two people interact within their marriage, how they treat one another, and what happens between them that drives the behaviors they choose to display. Process focuses on how you relate to each other. In contrast, content focuses on what you disagree on every day—the specific issues that create difficulty such as parenting, work,  or in-laws.

I want you to begin thinking about conflict between you and your partner differently. Instead of thinking about conflict in terms of what you fight about, I want you to think about how you treat each other during an argument. For example, what are your attitudes and behaviors like? Are you mean and hurtful or do you show respect, love, and honor to each other? Do you interrupt and criticize each other, or do you listen well and focus on your partner? 

Learning to make these choices will not be easy, nor will the potential challenges to your relationship be painless to overcome. You didn’t arrive where you are overnight, so you won’t build the marriage of your dreams overnight either. The hope you can believe in is that you and your partner can choose to be in control of what happens in your relationship. If you have the courage to take this journey, the possibilities are life-changing.

You are responsible for the choices you make within your marriage. Does that statement feel empowering or defeating? Why?

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Marriage Is About Choice

‘For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ Isaiah 43:19(NLT)

‘“I—yes, I alone—will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.’ Isaiah 43:25(NLT)

‘Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord . Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.’ Romans 12:16-21(NLT)

The big idea behind the transformation of your marriage is that you can make choices in key areas to heal it. You are in control of the conflicts that occur in your relationship. Conflict, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. What is important is how we deal with it. Conflicts will happen, but fights don’t have to. You can make different choices. The first major choice both of you must make is to stop doing what has not worked in your relationship so far. 

Before you say this is oversimplifying marriage, think about it. Isn’t stopping what you’re doing wrong the exact place where you have to start? You have to learn what doesn’t work in your relationship and make a clear choice not to do that anymore. That is the one and only way you can make space to try new ways of handling problems. 

The second choice to make is deciding if you are willing to work together as teammates instead of competing against each other to achieve your own individual goals. You can make a choice to do what your partner needs and give up what you need. You can choose to forgive your spouse even when you don’t feel your partner deserves forgiveness, (and we will talk about what forgiveness is and isn’t later this week.)

Marriage is also about hope. There is hope that if you have made poor choices in the past, you can change the way you do things in the future. There is hope that your relationship and your future as a couple are not at the mercy of disagreements or conflict. There is hope that the marriage you believed in when you said “I do” is not only possible but within your reach. And, there is room for hope even if hope never existed.

With so many hurting people and damaged marriages, I can’t emphasize enough that your marriage is not hopeless, and you are not helpless. Your relationship doesn’t have to continue on the way it is. You can choose to start making choices that will transform your marriage. You will learn how to understand the process of what happens when you and your partner are in conflict and how to focus more on the way you treat each other than on what you disagree about.

What area of your marriage if restored would give you a sense of hope? Take a small step in that direction.

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Winter Is The Season of Apathy

‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)

There’s a type of frost that happens in relationships, a cooling that comes in quietly; unannounced—like a thief in the night. It has the power to kill as it slowly sweeps in, sending invisible shock waves into our hearts and into our relationships. It is the frost of apathy, and it is one of the quietest and most dangerous intruders. 

Every relationship goes through a season when the heightened emotions of spring and the passion of summer begin to cool off in the reality of everyday life. Despite what they try to get you to believe in Hollywood, the majority of life isn’t actually romantic at all. Most of the interactions you will have in your relationship have very little to do with romance and sexual chemistry, and very much to do with the day-in, day-out process of real life. 

Romance in a relationship isn’t just about making out, planning special dates, writing elaborate notes, and buying chocolates and roses—it’s also about making the bed, planning the weekly dinner menu, writing out the list of things that need to be done this week, and buying new lightbulbs at Home Depot.

Passion in a relationship isn’t just displayed with grand gestures of affection—it is also displayed in loading the dishwasher, running a load of laundry, getting the oil changed in the car and remembering to pay the bills. 

Chemistry might be about emotions, but commitment—long term commitment—is about actions. True love is fully displayed in the day-in, day-out actions of everyday life. There is a deep intimacy that comes within the framework of the normalcy of life and doing life together. But, if we are not careful, the deep comforts of doing life together can quietly morph into apathy. 

As with all the other seasons of a relationship, there’s no exact time frame for when a couple will reach the frost of winter. But for the majority of couples, it happens when they’ve been together for a few years. The higher the level of comfort, the more likely that the frost of winter will find its way in to the relationship. 

Many married couples experience this at some point in their relationship. There’s nothing majorly disturbing in their relationship, but then again, there’s nothing majorly exciting either. Their relationship has gone from fiery to functional, and their daily interactions have less to do with love and more to do with living. They feel caught in apathy, going through the motions of a relationship without actually engaging in the relationship. 

For some couples, the sting of apathy goes unnoticed for quite some time. They can go on for months or years without ever realizing that they are experiencing a lack of connection, affection, and enthusiasm in their relationship. They do not even realize that their relationship has taken a backseat. They may spend the evenings sitting in the same room but hardly interacting. For others, the frostbite of apathy stings harder, and they find themselves completely aware that they are going through the motions of a relationship with feelings of discouragement, loneliness, and despair. They feel indifferent and detached. They find themselves disconnected from their partner and they are not sure how to solve the problem, because they don’t know exactly what the problem is.

 So how does a couple deal with the frost of winter? And if it is something that every couple will likely experience at some point, how can a couple be sure to get through the frost together rather than allowing it to become the norm?  

First, we need to know that a healthy relationship is not something we find, it’s something we have to make. 1 Corinthians 13 gives us a list of action steps for love, because love comes down to what we do – not how we feel. One action at a time that leads the warming of emotions, and makes way for spring to come again. 

Here are some suggestions: 

1. Identify the root cause of the issue. 

2. Discuss the Problem.

3. Come up with a plan of action.

If you feel stuck in the season of winter, please remember that spring can come again. Taking action in Winter is what makes a way for Spring. It’s important to use the time of Winter in a relationship to identify the things you need to change and take steps toward to bringing warmth to your relationship again. 

What can you do to begin the process today?  

from Love in Every Season by Debra Fileta

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Fall Is The Season Where True Colors Shine

‘Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser. Let those with understanding receive guidance’ Proverbs 1:5(NLT)

‘Intelligent people are always ready to learn. Their ears are open for knowledge.’ Proverbs 18:15(NLT)

When you’re putting a puzzle together, you have to remember that the pieces won’t be identical, but they’ll  fit together. Their shapes will be compatible, and their colors will be similar. 

Healthy relationships work much the same way, and fall is the season where our true colors begin to shine through. It’s the season that tests our compatibility. 

While some might define compatibility to mean similarities in a relationship, I like to see compatibility as the ability to come together. Compatibility is the ability to work together and to see life from the other person’s perspective. It is the ability to find value and worth in what the other person brings to the relationship. It is the opportunity to learn from one another. All over scripture we’re taught the importance of being people who are constantly learning and growing. 

God uses our closest relationship to teach us, change us, and transform us. 

On one hand, similarities in a relationship do make compatibility easier. The more similar you are in your perspective, the easier it is to see life through the other person’s eyes. 

On the other hand, differences can add depth and excitement to a couple’s relationship. Differences can be the catalyst toward growth, maturity, and well-roundedness. 

Yet, at the end of the day, it is not simply the sum of a couple’s differences or similarities that makes or breaks them—it’s their compatibility: their ability to handle those differences. Compatibility is a couple’s ability to come together, respect, learn from, and appreciate each other in their differences. Naturally, the more differences, the more effort, energy, and investment it takes to “come together.” The more compatible a couple is—the more they can “come together” in the many aspects of their life—the less stress they’ll face in their relationship. 

Healthy relationships also require us to understand the art of a good match and the importance of compatibility. They require us to learn, to grow, and to change. 

If you are single and reading this today: beware of acting of desperation, grabbing a piece from the pile of relationships and frantically jamming it in, trying to make it fit. You may feel tired, lonely, and like time is running out. If I can’t find something that fits, I’m just going to make it fit, you may be telling yourself. You might try and try to make that relationship work, even though you and your significant other are not a good match. If you go that route, you end up with a broken heart—bent and bruised from a lack of discernment and understanding. But this doesn’t have to be the process, because the more you know yourself, the better you’ll recognize the type of person who matches your life.

For those who are married, it is important to acknowledge that differences don’t have to destroy you, if you come at them in a healthy way. Compatibility is something you have to work toward. The first step to moving toward compatibility is really seeing and appreciating your differences rather than simply looking through them. Sometimes, we get so accustomed to how things are that we react instead of stepping back to ask the important questions. Why do we come to the table with different perspectives? What has shaped our temperaments and communication styles? Where is there room for growth and change and healing? How are we going to choose to come together? 

Piece by piece, little by little, question by question, we can start seeing the big picture of our relationship, working together to create something beautiful, filled with all kinds of magnificent colors.

How can I learn and grow from the relationships God has given me? 

from Love in Every Season by Debra Fileta

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Summer Is The Season When Things Get Hot

‘Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? ‘ 2 Corinthians 6:14(NLT)

‘Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame.’ Song of Songs 8:6(NLT)

If you’ve grown up in the church, you’ve likely heard the term “equally yoked.” This phrase is taken from 2 Corinthians 6:14, which says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 

Usually, this passage is shared in the context of explaining that when it comes to romantic relationships, we need to make sure we are in a relationship with someone who identifies as a Christian. I think there’s so much value in that interpretation of Scripture, but I’d like to take that analogy just a little bit deeper, because we sell ourselves short of healthy relationships by not looking at the big picture of the context of this passage.

When talking about being “yoked together” in 2 Corinthians, Paul is using a farming metaphor. In order to grasp this analogy to its fullest, you have to understand some of the intricacies of farming culture. Living in the Amish town of Lancaster, PA, and interacting with farmers on a regular basis, I’ve learned a lot more about farming and agriculture than I ever could have imagined.

In the farming world, “yoking” is essentially pairing two animals together in order to prepare them for the work of plowing. The yoke was the solid wooden structure that would hold the pair of animals together. Now, when it comes to yoking two animals, it’s a no-brainer that you are going to pair two of the same type of animal. Two mules, two horses, etc. Two different animals would never work together in a setting like this. But not only that, the farmer’s job was to try and yoke together the two animals that were also the best fit. He had to find a good team. 

A good team has to be compatible in their strength, their disposition, and their personality. They had to be matched based on their ability to pull—together. If one animal is weaker than the other, the weak one will hold the strong one back. Because of the lack of balance, they’ll have to work much harder, but without the reward.

But, on the other hand, a team that is equally yoked is worth its weight in gold. They work together, pull together, and never give up. A good team is always going to be found side-by-side. 

This is why I believe God’s word is adamant that believers need to be equally yoked in relationships.  We’re not just asked to be in relationship with someone who calls themselves a Christian like us, we need to find someone who matches us spiritually in their strength, their disposition, and their personality.  Someone who will make a good team. 

We need someone who loves God the way we love God, who prioritizes their relationship with Jesus the way we prioritize ours. The person who exudes the fruit of the Holy Spirit at work in their life the way we exude it in ours is the one we want. 

We want someone who is similarly committed to God and is ready and willing to do the good, hard, work of the kingdom of God. This is not just about marrying a Christian, this is about being matched together with someone who is wholly committed to plowing through life with you—the good, the bad, and the ugly of life—by your side, hand in hand, moving in God’s direction, even when there’s nothing but their vows keeping them there. Not only is it important to look for someone like that, it’s crucial that we become someone like that, because our team will only be as strong as the weakest link.

One of the most important aspects of the season of summer is to take inventory of the level of spiritual fire exuding from your relationship. The fire of God at work in your life is what fuels your love and, in turn, fuels your relationship. 

When our relationships are rooted in that kind of love, nothing can stop us. “For love is as strong as death . . . it burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame” (Song of Solomon 8:6). 

What are some ways you can fuel the fire of God in your life, starting today?

from Love in Every Season by Debra Fileta

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Spring Is The Season of Growth

‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11(NLT)

‘Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.’ Proverbs 4:23(NLT)

The season of spring is full of growth. 

Like plants, relationships require a pattern of give-and-take in order for them to grow. If you are in a relationship in which you are constantly giving and never taking anything in return, your relationship will eventually stop growing. On the converse, if you are in a relationship in which you are doing all the taking and giving nothing in return, your relationship will soon die. 

This type of pattern cannot be maintained in nature or in relationships. Healthy relationships have to be made up of just the right amount of giving and taking. Spring is an important season, because it is the time to assess the pattern of give-and-take in your closest relationships.

1 Thessalonians 5:11, reminds us that relationships require mutual encouragement, edification, and building one another up. It’s a two-way street. Give-and-take. 

But unfortunately, many of us are in relationships that are one-way. One-way relationships consist of two people, but only one person is doing most of the work.

The interesting thing about one-way relationships, is that no matter who is doing the giving or taking, it always takes two people to keep them going. Behind every one-way relationship there is a person who is giving too much and expecting too little.A person who continues to make excuses. A person who continues to see the relationship for what it could be, rather than what it actually is. A person who is failing to set proper expectations and healthy boundaries.

Some of you are reading this and nodding your head in agreement. But I know there are others of you that are not so sure. “Can you really ‘give too much’ as a Christian? Aren’t we called to love like Jesus? Shouldn’t we give, and give, and give—expecting nothing in return?” 

For some of you, the idea of setting limits and boundaries in your life is a hard one to grasp. You see love as an unconditional aspect of relationships, and rightly so. But loving someone does not mean allowing them to have a free pass to do what they want, when they want, how they want it, with little to no consequences. Love does not mean that we enable an unhealthy relationship, allowing someone to take advantage of us, hurt us repeatedly, or use and abuse us in the name of “selflessness.”

But selflessness does not mean ignoring your needs or keeping them to yourself. It doesn’t mean staying silent and expecting others to know what you want or need. And it doesn’t mean holding back, particularly when speaking up could be beneficial to your personal health and the health of your relationship.

Not only is a giving-too-much mentality unhealthy for the giver, it is also unhealthy for the taker. It fuels a pattern of dysfunction in a relationship, rather than calling the relationship, and the people involved in that relationship, to a better place. It enables the taker to continue behaving in a harmful way, without challenging them to get healthy. 

Healthy relationships are defined by give-and-take, and being a person who only gives and never takes is living a passive life, not a selfless one. It’s up to you to identify your needs and then express them in a respectful, assertive, and loving way. 

Take inventory of your relationships today and ask yourself if there’s an area where you’re “giving too much”. God calls us to guard our hearts, because our hearts are valuable and worth protecting. And having a healthy heart, leads us to healthy relationships.  

Ask God to help you set boundaries and limits around your heart, and make this the year of healthy giving-and-receiving.

from Love in Every Season by Debra Fileta