Category: 1st Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

An Unbreakable Bond

‘I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. ‘ 1 Corinthians 1:10(NLT)

The oneness of marriage gives glory to God. Shared purpose, selfless love, and spiritual unity create a beautiful picture of the One we worship. As a child of God—brothers and sisters of Jesus—you can experience agreement and peace in your relationship. 

You find unity when you hold to one truth, the Bible and when you serve God together without holding back. Unity comes when you choose to love each other before yourselves and when you’re seeking God’s perfect will instead of having your own way. You will have unity when you’re humble, thankful, and prayerful and when you love God with all your heart, soul, and strength. 

Choose to agree today. Lay down your rights and let go of what you’re fighting for. Pray and ask God to lead your life together. Repent of sin that’s dividing you from each other and the Lord. Study the Word to share knowledge of the truth. Let the Holy Spirit join you together in “mind and thought” today. 

Lord, make us one as you are one. Tear down any walls that divide, and unite us in every way. Amen.

from Mr. & Mrs.

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

GROWING A LEGACY

‘So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ‘ Galatians 6:9(NLT)

Few things bring me more joy in life than when my marriage and family are healthy and thriving. Conversely, few things have brought me more pain than when my marriage and family have felt broken. 

Meeting the needs of the ones you care for isn’t a one and done deal. You have to tend to their needs daily, with persistence, love, and devotion. When needs and feelings aren’t properly addressed, and therefore go unmet, it’s fertile ground for resentment, contempt, and bitterness. That ugly mess of relational weeds can choke out the beauty in your garden of love. 

Have you ever seen a garden that was once lush with healthy plants and flowers become overgrown by weeds? As you passed the struggling trees, overgrown bushes, and wilted flowers, you might have asked, “Where is the gardener?” Well, in the garden of love and marriage, the gardener is you. 

As a gardener, you have choice. You can be mindful of the weeds in your garden. Or, you can let the weeds grow, only to later spend countless amounts of time and energy fighting to pull their roots from the ground, hoping to restore the beauty of what was overtaken while you turned your head away from the problem. 

Remember, in the face of neglect, what’s beautiful dies and what’s ugly thrives. It’s your call to pull, plant, and water. Trust God with the rest. Even though he calls us to work with him, only he can make the best things grow.

Consider: 

What do you want the garden of your marriage and family to look like in a year, ten years, fifty years from now? Take a look at your garden now. 

What needs to go?

What needs to grow?

Father, lead us away from being people of good intentions, and make us disciples who take action. Give us the strength to then lead the ones you’ve lovingly entrusted to our care. May we remain faithful to an eternal legacy, by your grace and for your glory. Amen

from Lead Me by Matt Hammitt

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

FIGHT YOURSELF FIRST

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:3-4(NLT)

Learning how to tend to Sarah’s emotional needs has been one of the most difficult marital lessons for me. . I’m still learning how to be patient with her feelings in those little, day-to-day confrontations, especially when I can’t relate to where she’s coming from. There is little I’ve worked harder at, and failed more at, than putting her need to be heard before my desire to move on.

Recently, Sarah addressed this weakness in front of our friends. It stung me, because it’s something I take seriously. I’ve strived to improve on it with God’s help. That night, I couldn’t sleep. I stewed over what Sarah had said. I started to feel angry and I laid awake wondering if I should address my feelings with her. I worried about whether or not she would understand my feelings. Would she be able to empathize even after I struggled to do the same for her? 

That’s when I went inward with a simple question, “Is it true?” I mean, was it true what she said about me, that I had a hard time responding appropriately when she was hurt? Do the times I’ve gotten it right void the pain of when I’ve gotten it wrong? Does the fact that I’m changing mean that her struggle is no longer real?

I started to see some things more clearly, and my anger began to fade into humility. Sarah had simply spoken truth about our relationship during a vulnerable conversation with trusted friends. I know Sarah’s heart, and I know her intent wasn’t malicious. She just wanted to move closer to me through honest communication. I started to realize that maybe it wasn’t Sarah, but the truth that had bothered me. Maybe I wanted to shoot the messenger because I couldn’t face the message. I had to put aside my own interests, embrace her desire to be heard, and receive what she needed me to hear.

I had to fight my impulses and inner dialogue first, so love could win the war.

Consider:

What is a message your spouse has tried to communicate to you? Can you see beyond the messenger to find the heart of the message?

That message, is it true? If so, how will you receive it?

from Lead Me by Matt Hammitt

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

PLANS

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:5-6(NLT)

‘People may be pure in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their motives. Commit your actions to the Lord , and your plans will succeed.’ Proverbs 16:2-3(NLT)

It takes a plan to make it through school, to get a job, to keep your job, to start a business, to get married, to buy a home, to take a vacation, to save for your future, to win a game and to win a war. (Big breath) It even takes to plan to be buried after you die. Some plans are as simple as keeping your calendar and showing up where you need to be. While other plans involve intricate details with heart and soul behind them. Some plans fail and some succeed. 

Years ago, I sat with my friend, Todd, at the beginning of a very difficult divorce. My heart hurt for him as he expressed the pain he felt over his wife choosing to leave. On top of it all, he was battling health issues, coping with the sorrow of his children, and trying to manage a major crisis at work. 

As we talked, Todd described the daily responsibilities of his job. It became clear how much of his time was consumed by crisis management away from home, and as he continued to pour out his heart, something hit me. My friend had a plan for everything, except for the most important things, like his marriage and family. As I listened, I saw my own reflection in his story. I had failed to give my family the same intentionality as I had given my work. 

God has good plans for us, for our marriage, and our family. He’s calling us to walk in harmony with these plans. Often times, our own design and desires blind us to where God is leading us. When we fail to commit our work to the Lord and commit to seeking his voice, we’re at risk of losing that which is most important in our lives. 

Consider:

Think deeply about this. Am I making plans based on what the world has to offer or what God offers my family and me? 

Am I investing more energy in what has eternal worth, or fading value?

from Lead Me by Matt Hammitt

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

GOOD INTENTIONS

‘What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless. Now someone may argue, “Some people have faith; others have good deeds.” But I say, “How can you show me your faith if you don’t have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds.” You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. ‘ James 2:14-19(NLT)

Years ago, I bought this small, octagon-shaped ball I saw at the store. It was black with yellow lettering on each of its flat surfaces. 20 pushups, 30 sit ups, 15 burpees, water break, etc. You know, toss it on the ground and do whatever exercise it tells you to do.

On the way home, it rolled out of a grocery bag and into the back seat of my car.

Two months later, it was still there. Every time I looked at it, I saw 20 pushups. I never dropped to the floor, but I did those pushups in my mind, every day. I was doing great. 

The workout ball made its way from the car and into my house. There it was, speaking to me, 30 sit ups. I never dropped to the floor, but I did those sit ups in my mind, every day. I was feeling good about myself.

Ok, let’s get real. Buying that ball didn’t make me stronger or more in shape, though it could’ve if I had used it for its intended purpose. Owning it made me feel better about myself just for keeping it around. I was getting ripped on good intentions, but no one around me could see the difference. 

Maybe you see your Bible sitting there, and you imagine yourself opening it more. Maybe you think about how you’re going to spend more time investing in your family, or others. Envisioning a more spiritually disciplined version of yourself makes you feel good. 

Have you allowed your good intentions, imaginations and inner dialogue define who you believe you are? Unfortunately, the people you’re called to lead can’t read your mind, desires or intentions. The only thing that speaks love to them is real action and real change. 

Good intentions are worthless until they become actions. 

Consider: 

Identify some good intentions in yourself that you’ve been treating like realities.

What excuses are keeping your intentions from becoming reality?

from Lead Me by Matt Hammitt

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

WHO YOU’RE CALLED TO BE

‘But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.’ James 1:22-25(NLT)

I’ll never forget the weight behind my wife’s words leading up to one of the most important conversations of my life. “We need to talk.” No one ever wants to hear those words, myself included. They can lead to hard conversations. Hard, yet necessary. 

Sarah expressed her desire for me to be more present, more understanding, more in touch with my own fragile heart and emotions. Ultimately, she needed me to find the strength and confidence to lead her and our family well. I knew in that moment that I couldn’t do it unless God was leading me each step of the way.

I had been that double-minded man that James wrote about, swayed back and forth by the waves of the sea, allowing myself to be led by the wrong voices and influenced by my own shifting emotions. There was a clear way forward, but first, I had to accept my need for change. 

It goes without saying that our marriage didn’t change overnight. But one small step at a time, with God’s leading hand, Sarah and I have made incredible strides. You can too. Moving forward requires a hard look at yourself in the mirror. If you’re willing to see yourself clearly, you’ll see some things that need to change. Only then can you move forward toward becoming who God has called you to be.

Over the course of the next five days, I’ll share some simple biblical and practical lessons that are helping me along the way. If you’re willing to look inward, then together, with God’s help, we can take some important steps toward healthier relationships. 

Consider:

No human is perfect. Name one of your imperfections that negatively impacts your marriage and family. Name two or three, if you dare. 

Have you had one of those “we need to talk” conversations? What did you hear? What did you say? Did it result in any change?

from Lead Me by Matt Hammitt

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Love and Respect

‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:33(NLT)

One might have expected the apostle Paul to summarize his message to couples with a statement such as “love each other.” But he didn’t. Instead, his instructions were different for both the husbands and the wives. Many believe that the differences speak to unique needs each partner has; a woman to be loved, and a man to be respected. While these needs may exist, this closing statement does even more than that. It identifies threats that would naturally interfere with a couple’s ability to have a God-honoring marriage and offers a way to avoid them. 

Throughout Scripture, husbands are called to bear the weight of leadership in their families. The mantle of responsibility is heavy and can easily cause men to focus more on the ends rather than the means. This has led many to equate leadership with forcefulness. Expressions such as “putting my foot down” and “wearing the pants in the family” have become commonplace.

To protect against this, Paul reminds men, “let each one of you love his wife as himself.” This is reminiscent of the command to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Luke 6:31) and acts as a check against a quest for control. 

Likewise, wives have been called into a supportive role, to be their husband’s helpers (Genesis 2:18). This can be difficult, especially if the wife happens to be the more natural leader. The tendency would be to try and usurp control through manipulation or by undermining his efforts. Expressions such as “I have three children, and one of them is my husband” become the result.

To combat this, Paul says, “let the wife see that she respects her husband.” If there is respect, there is no room for power plays. Even if a wife doesn’t agree with her husband on a particular issue, if she respects him, she will be able to support him. 

This is not to say that a man need not respect his wife and a woman need not love her husband. There have been plenty of times in my marriage where the most effective way for me to show my wife love was by showing her that I respected her efforts, her role, and her ideas. 

But it does mean that husbands and wives have unique dangers they must watch out for as they journey down the mysterious path of marriage together. 

Pray: Lord, thank You for my spouse. Help me to fulfill my role in this marriage for Your glory. Help me to show love and respect in all I do. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

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Our Witness

‘This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. ‘ Ephesians 5:32(NLT)

‘Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.” ) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.’ Romans 8:35-39(NLT)

A lot of thought goes into planning a wedding. Do you want it big or small, lavish or modest, traditional or something a little more edgy? The choices are so varied that a $70 billion industry exists to help couples craft a day that is as unique as they are.

While there is nothing wrong with working hard to orchestrate a beautiful wedding, Scripture offers a much higher view of marriage. Not only is marriage a celebration of our earthly love and commitment, but it also is a tangible picture of the relationship that Christ has with His church.

This means what happens in our homes, not only affects us, it also affects our witness for Christ. That’s a sobering thought. Paul calls this a mystery, and it is. Why would God choose to use something as imperfect as our marriages to reflect His image and to help people understand Christ’s relationship with the church? 

Christ came in humility, but our marriages are often filled with pride. Christ was a servant leader who suffered unjustly and gave up His rights, but we often fight to have things our way. Christ gave His life to offer us forgiveness, but forgiving our spouse is often the last thing we want to do. Yet God uses our imperfect attempts at marriage to teach us something about Christ’s relationship with His church.

Even though Christ’s church is an imperfect rebellious group, He loves it anyway. In fact, Romans 8:35-39 teaches that His love is so permanent that, “neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Christ’s love for us is unshakable, and the love we have for each other should be too.

Marriage is where the rubber hits the road in Christianity. If we are really forgiven, then we should be able to forgive. If we are really filled with his grace, then our homes should be grace filled. If we were really filled with His joy, then our homes should be joyful, even when facing hardships.

When people look at our marriages, they learn if what we say about Christ is actually true or not. When two Christians divorce, people are forced to wonder if forgiveness and grace are only words. Our marriages are not just about us, they’re also our witness to a watching world.

Pray: Father, our marriage is far from perfect. Help our home to be filled with Your love and grace, so that others will come to know You as well. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

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A New Order

‘As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” ‘ Ephesians 5:31(NLT)

‘“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.’ Exodus 20:12(NLT)

As the first notes of the “Wedding March” begin to play, father and daughter share a lingering look and try to contain the torrent of emotions swelling up inside.

The tradition of a father walking his daughter down the aisle is often a poignant moment in the wedding ceremony. Each step brings the bride closer to a beginning, and the father closer to an end. One handshake later, and the girl the father has protected and loved since birth is given over to another man. 

The tradition is meant to show that a new family unit is being created, one with new priorities and loyalties. In a single moment, Daddy’s little girl becomes someone’s wife and everything changes. 

When you marry, your spouse becomes your most important earthly relationship. For many couples, it’s difficult to find the “oneness” they long for because they’ve never reordered their relational priorities after marriage. Often, this happens because they continue to rely on their parents for assistance with housing, bills, vacations, and emotional support. This almost happened to us. 

Three months before we got married, I was laid off from my job. With our income slashed, we had to pull back from our search for an apartment to live in after the wedding. 

Thankfully, I thought, my parents owned an apartment building. But when I explained our situation to my mother, she shocked me by saying she would not allow us to move into their building. Furthermore, she said that after the wedding she didn’t want me to complain to her if my wife and I ever had a fight. 

How could  a strong Christian woman respond to her son like that? It was a mystery to me. It felt like the most unloving thing she could have ever done, but in the end, it turned out to be a blessing. 

My mother understood the experience would force me to leave my father and mother and hold fast to my wife (Ephesians 5:31). It forced us to work together in ways we never had. My wife-to-be helped me consider new positions and the implications they would have on our life together. When I ultimately found a job, the victory was ours.

Establishing a new household can be painful, but leaving your parents is not a rejection of your past. Rather, it is as an acceptance of your new role as a husband or wife. 

Pray: Lord, You said a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. Show me how to prioritize the needs of my spouse yet still show honor to my parents. In Jesus’ name, Amen 

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

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A Husband’s Love

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.’ Ephesians 5:25-30(NLT)

‘Before the Passover celebration, Jesus knew that his hour had come to leave this world and return to his Father. He had loved his disciples during his ministry on earth, and now he loved them to the very end. It was time for supper, and the devil had already prompted Judas, son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had given him authority over everything and that he had come from God and would return to God. So he got up from the table, took off his robe, wrapped a towel around his waist, and poured water into a basin. Then he began to wash the disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel he had around him. When Jesus came to Simon Peter, Peter said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” Jesus replied, “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.” “No,” Peter protested, “you will never ever wash my feet!” Jesus replied, “Unless I wash you, you won’t belong to me.” Simon Peter exclaimed, “Then wash my hands and head as well, Lord, not just my feet!” Jesus replied, “A person who has bathed all over does not need to wash, except for the feet, to be entirely clean. And you disciples are clean, but not all of you.” For Jesus knew who would betray him. That is what he meant when he said, “Not all of you are clean.” After washing their feet, he put on his robe again and sat down and asked, “Do you understand what I was doing? You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am. And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message. Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them.’ John 13:1-17(NLT)

‘Some of the governor’s soldiers took Jesus into their headquarters and called out the entire regiment. They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him. They wove thorn branches into a crown and put it on his head, and they placed a reed stick in his right hand as a scepter. Then they knelt before him in mockery and taunted, “Hail! King of the Jews!” And they spit on him and grabbed the stick and struck him on the head with it. When they were finally tired of mocking him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him again. Then they led him away to be crucified.’ Matthew 27:27-31(NLT)

‘Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges ; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.’ Philippians 2:6-8(NLT)

‘“Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” ‘ Luke 22:42(NLT)

The plane was eerily silent as he tightened the final strap on his wife’s parachute. He knew he didn’t have much time, for their single engine Cessna was losing altitude rapidly.  All he could hear was the howl of the wind outside, creaking of metal, and his wife’s frightened breath. She was terrified. 

He placed his hands on her shoulders and gave her the same reassuring look that he had given her other times that she was scared. 

“I love you,” he whispered, and she felt herself begin to relax. He was always so calm, so steady.

“Okay. Now let me help you with your chute!” she said as he turned to open the plane door. Then, without another word, she felt his powerful hands shoving her out into the void. She would later learn they only had one parachute.

Ask any husband if he would be willing to die to save his wife and most would say yes without a second thought. This form of heroism is often seen as the ultimate expression of love. It is the stuff of songs and legends. Thankfully, few husbands will ever be faced with this type of decision. 

But we are called to love our wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). This type of sacrificial leadership is the flip side of wifely submission. 

When Jesus chose to sacrifice Himself for the church, His bride, he set the standard for husbands everywhere. Through His journey to the cross, He showed us how to: 

  • Serve others (John 13:1-17)
  • Swallow our pride (Matthew 27:27-31)
  • Give up our rights (Philippians 2:6-8)
  • Do something we do not want to do, for the sake of others (Luke 22:42)

This type of servant leadership isn’t easy. In many ways, dying for your wife is easier than living for her.

By nature we are selfish creatures. We work hard to safeguard our rights and we’d much rather have others serve us.

So how can a husband love his wife like Christ loved the church? Keep in mind that when Christ endured the humiliation of the cross, He had our sanctification in mind. He wanted to wash us, to make us holy and without blemish. A husband’s sacrifice for his wife needs to be similarly motivated. 

Maybe it means doing some extra house work so your wife will be rested enough to be able to read her Bible in the mornings. Maybe it means coming home early and taking care of the kids so your wife can go to a women’s group at church. Or maybe it means overlooking an insult to model a picture of God’s grace.

Without such purpose, the nobility of self-sacrifice is lost. When the betterment of his wife is the goal, a husband can more easily decide when to give in, when to stand firm, and when to give her the last parachute. 

Pray: Husband: Lord, show me how to help my wife grow more into the image of Your Son. Wife: Lord, give my husband wisdom as he takes on the responsibility of leadership. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians