Category: 1st Marriage

‘This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. This is my command: Love each other.’ John 15:12-1(NLT)

Jesus gave us the command: “Love each other in the same way I have loved you” (John 15:12). This can feel like a tall order when the day-to-day struggles of disability bring out careless responses and negative thoughts. When quarrels and judgments pile up and we lose sight of the love that Christ wants to display through us, we can feel powerless to control ourselves. Even the Apostle Paul experienced this: “I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong” (Romans 7:21). But he goes on to encourage us to look to Jesus as the answer (Romans 7:25).

Jesus is the answer when we feel powerless over our emotions and unsure of how to love. His love and sacrifice is the measuring stick for ours. He commands us to lay down our lives in service to each other (John 15:13), putting others’ needs before our own. Jesus is the answer when we feel isolated as a result of disability and when the needs of others seem overwhelming. Jesus is the answer to swapping judgment, suspicion, and self-focus for unity, trust, and obedience. There is nothing more powerful than a couple that recognizes Jesus and invites him into their struggles, confident that he will help them to pattern their love after his.

Jesus taught that when we live this way, it reflects our intimate relationship with him. He said, “Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me” (John 15:15). As friends of Christ and heirs of God we have everything we need to live as he has commanded. When we invite Christ into our struggles, we begin to cultivate a deeper relationship with both him and our spouses. Christ helps us find joy that isn’t dependent on our changing circumstances, but rather on the love we possess within our hearts.

from Marriage And Disability

‘Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. ‘ 1 John 4:18(NLT)

Disability can provide fertile ground for fear—fear about the future, fear of becoming a burden, fear of pain and suffering.

Yet John, the beloved disciple, teaches us that God’s perfect love casts out all fear. The Bible says “fear not,” over and over—365 times, to be exact. Why? Because when fear is present, we are not living out the love that flows from our faith in God or trusting the One who is in control of all our circumstances.

How do we live secure in his perfect love? Movies, television shows, and popular music portray love as a feeling. It is . . . and it’s not—love is more often a choice that we must make many times a day. We can decide to trust God with the what-ifs that plague our minds, or we can take those thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). If we trust God to deal with sin in a spouse’s life, we will be able to respond with kindness and compassion instead of anger.

The more we strive to live out God’s perfect love instead of our own fear, the more freedom we find. Fear keeps us in bondage. Paul teaches in Romans 8:15 that when we accepted Christ, we were set free: “So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves.” We are God’s children and we can trust that, just like a loving father, he is always there for us.

Through the prophet Isaiah, God says, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

Our strength will always come from trusting God and his plan for our lives. We’ll be able to weed out the areas where fear has taken root and make room for God to teach us how to live. Eventually, we’ll be able to unclench our fists and lay our struggles at the foot of the cross. And when uncertain times arise (which they will), we’ll rest in God’s glorious peace and his purpose for our families.

from Marriage And Disability

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:21-33(NLT)

Do you know of a marriage that has withstood the test of time, lasting forty years or longer? Do you know a couple that has been together so long they have taken on each other’s characteristics? Have you heard of a spouse passing away, only to have the healthy spouse fall into decline soon after? The two had become one.

In Ephesians 5:31, Paul quotes Genesis 2:24, explaining God’s design for marriage from the beginning: a covenant relationship that reflects Jesus and his love for the church. Jesus laid down his life for us in love, and he asks us to do likewise.

It can be easy to read this portion of Paul’s letter to the Ephesians and hone in on what our spouse should or should not do. But his point was not to give us ammunition for judgment. Paul begins by calling spouses to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). There are no qualifying conditions—not even to submit only if one’s spouse does the same.

When we marry, we enter into a covenant relationship. Each spouse has a role in this holy union, but if we become more focused on our unmet needs or our struggles, the union suffers. Marriages impacted by disability may be more susceptible to having unclear roles, and problems can result. While many might dismiss biblically prescribed roles as old-fashioned, marriages lived as God intended can best endure the trials of life.

Paul begins with wives, calling them “to submit to your husbands as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). This does not mean she has less value or holds less weight in decision-making or should be a doormat. The wife is her husband’s helper and partner, giving love and respect to her husband as head of their family, which was part of God’s original design (Genesis 2:18). For husbands, Paul provides specific instructions on loving their wives as they do their own bodies and “as Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5:25).

Finally, within this framework, Paul calls the two to oneness. We must let go of our culture’s expectations and our own preconceived ideas about what marriage is and embrace God’s design, which brings two imperfect spouses together in mutual submission. A marriage rooted in love and respect reflects a powerful picture of the unity between Christ and his church.

from Marriage And Disability

‘Here is another thing you do. You cover the Lord ’s altar with tears, weeping and groaning because he pays no attention to your offerings and doesn’t accept them with pleasure. You cry out, “Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows. Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord , the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty, ” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”’ Malachi 2:13-16(NLT)

God doesn’t mince words in Malachi 2:13-16—he tells us plainly, “I hate divorce!” When we marry, do we really understand the commitment we are making to each other and to God? When we look lovingly into each other’s eyes, we promise to stay together through sickness and in health, until death parts us.

We promise to “love, honor, and cherish” all the days of our lives, but will these promises bear out during the tough times? What about when the difficult days turn into difficult months and even years? What happens when a disability affects every area of the marriage—time, finances, sexual relations? In a world where vows can be broken with the stroke of a pen, many choose the path of least resistance over God’s design for marriage. Some people feel that if it gets too hard, if our spouse doesn’t understand, or if we grow weary of our circumstances, then we can just walk away.

While some researchers claim that marriages with a disability have higher divorce rates than the national average, others dispute those statistics, especially among couples who profess to be Christians. When Christians make a marriage commitment according to God’s design, we should view it as a covenant between us and God. He is the third strand in the cord that will not easily be broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

So does God expect us to simply grit our teeth and endure? No, certainly not. We should seek godly counsel and agree to do the work required to restore our marriages. Our faith can help us remain faithful during the difficult times.

The writer of Hebrews assures us that God will stand beside us as we fight for our marriages and will never fail or abandon us (Hebrews 13:4-5).

Our marriages can be restored when we faithfully bring our hearts before the Lord in true repentance and confession. Instead of trying to create change through our own efforts, we should ask God to reveal areas of sin in our lives and pray that he will do the same for our spouses. Restoration may not happen overnight, but it can come if we give God room to work in his timing and in his way.

from Marriage And Disability

‘“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’ “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’’ Matthew 25:34-40(NLT)

The dictionary defines compassion as “a feeling of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.” Christ modeled compassion for us as he healed the sick, prayed for those he met, fed the hungry, and gave the ultimate sacrifice to secure our salvation. In today’s passage, he instructs us to do the same.

As Christians, we may be inspired to serve the helpless or homeless or to respond when a natural disaster strikes. There’s a sense of joy and accomplishment when we go in Jesus’ name to make a difference in the lives of those who are hurting. The tricky part about compassion is when we must extend it to those closest to us on a consistent and ongoing basis. The daily grind of disability can be isolating and can challenge even the strongest marriage. Worries about the costs of medical supplies, new equipment, therapies, and more can create anxiety and add to the physical toll on caregivers.

The Christian’s definition of compassion is very different than the one in the dictionary. Jesus doesn’t call us to be compassionate when we feel like it, but to serve others in service to him. Jesus asks us to dig deep when our backs are aching from wheelchair transfers, when we don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to administer yet another breathing treatment, when we are too overwhelmed to make one more doctor’s appointment.

Jesus reminds us to look beyond our difficult circumstances to see him. When we imagine the face of our compassionate Savior smiling at us, we find the strength and peace to continue on. This type of service isn’t about accolades or “attaboys,” because very few will see what goes on behind closed doors or what is required of a spouse serving as a caregiver. But Jesus sees. And he assures us that we will receive a just reward when we hear him say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).

from Marriage And Disability

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges ; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.’ Philippians 2:3-8(NLT)

The love that carries a couple to the altar is not the same love that sustains them through the ups and downs of marriage. Juggling family, careers, and finances, plus the unique challenges of living with a disability, can leave us exhausted and overwhelmed. Yet despite any hardships, we are called to live in humility, considering others’ needs before our own. We are to “have the attitude of Christ.” Yet we live in a world that reinforces a me-first perspective.

You’ve probably heard the saying that we must first put on our own oxygen mask so we can then help others. This is true, but we must be wary that self-care doesn’t become self-centeredness. Most marriages have an ebb and flow, with seasons of give and take. But when one spouse has a disability, the other is often required to serve as the primary caregiver. This can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, or even depression. Self-centeredness on the part of either spouse is detrimental to a healthy marriage and is not the example Christ modeled.

In Philippians 2:3-8, Paul emphasizes the sacrificial nature of Christ’s love for us and challenges us to do likewise. In Ephesians 5, Paul reiterates this call to Christ-likeness, and then proceeds to apply the concept to marriage. He teaches mutual submission, where each spouse is willing to go the “extra mile” for the other. By contrast, the world promotes marriage as a partnership, an “equitable” relationship with a 50/50 split of benefits, burdens, and responsibilities. But life—and marriage—doesn’t always go that way.

How can we combat the human tendency to “look out for number one”? Prayer. Our Savior not only understands our unique needs but also tells us to come boldly to him. He asks us to lay any resentment, anger, anxiety, or fear at his feet, so that he can pour his love and mercy into our lives. Couples coping with pain, disease, hardship, or mental illness need to constantly pray together, asking for the same attitude that Christ had when he humbled himself to obey God’s plan. He gives us access to come before the throne of grace and promises to show us the way forward.

from Marriage And Disability

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8(NLT)

Young people’s ideas about love and marriage are influenced by their parents and their culture, including its fairy tales about Prince Charming and a happily-ever-after life. We all dream of having an attractive spouse, a great job, and a couple of kids. We fantasize about what marriage will add to our lives—love, companionship, security, and even sex. But the fairy tales don’t even hint at what marriage will require of us. Once the honeymoon is over, most couples discover that marriage is hard work. This can be further complicated for couples living with disabilities, who may face pain, physical limitations, and exhaustion.

Unfortunately, when we’re distressed, our spouses can be an easy target. Misunderstandings, score-keeping, feelings of entitlement, and other perils can take a toll on even the most loving couple. However, by God’s grace, a disability can also bring out the best in a couple.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, God addresses the struggles we encounter in marriage. To the wife of a husband with a disability who feels overlooked or taken for granted, God says, “Love is patient and kind.” To the husband with a disability who lashes out or feels misunderstood or emasculated, God says, “Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way.” To the spouses keeping an account of transgressions, God says, “[Love] is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” To those ready to throw in the towel, God says, “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. . . . love will last forever!”

While embracing God’s design for love is crucial for a healthy marriage, it’s also difficult. Fortunately, God isn’t asking us to attend a marriage seminar or read another book on marriage, although these can be helpful. He asks us to lean into his strength and power. Galatians 2:20 tells us, “My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.” Christ living in us gives us the ability to be victorious over our own self-centeredness and the struggles that impact our marriages. When we trade our human desire for Christ’s nature, we are able to focus on how we can better love and serve our mates.

from Marriage And Disability