Category: 1st Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Never Looking Back

‘Then you will find favor with both God and people, and you will earn a good reputation. Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.’ Proverbs 3:4-5(NLT)

John and Margie Cooper got married in 1941. They lived on a large farm and had high hopes to be the biggest producer in that country. However, four years later after Margie gave birth to two children, she contracted polio and had to spend most of her time in bed. Gone were all the hopes and dreams that John had for his marriage with Margie. They did not have anyone who could help John take care of Margie and the children. All the aspirations and dreams to own the biggest farm were gone because John had to give most of his time caring for his wife and children.

When John and Margie celebrated their 50th marriage anniversary, a distant friend asked John to explain his selfless, faithful years towards his disabled wife. John said something worth remembering, “How do I explain the years of my faithfulness to Margie? I had promised from the start that I would be with her no matter what happened, and I am a man of my word.” It might seem simple to some, but to John Cooper, it was the utmost foundation and he never looked back. 

Indeed, the foundation of marriage is the existence of the bond between a husband and a wife. When they enter into a marriage, they have no other way, except to live the marriage and never look back. When a husband and a wife hold onto what they promised to each other in their marriage vows, their marriage will survive every wave of life.

Prayer: Lord, teach us to hold fast to our marriage no matter what we face. We believe in Your power, presence, and help in every situation that we encounter.

from You and Me, Forever

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1st Marriage ZZ

An Imperfect Tree

‘Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. ‘ 1 Peter 4:8(NLT)

Slat Grobnik, a seller of Christmas trees, was observing a couple who was looking for a tree. The husband was slim and his wife was quite attractive, but they wore clothes that seemed to be bought from the Salvation Army. After passing by several very expensive Christmas trees, they found a pine Scotch tree with was quite OK on one side but had not so many leaves on the other side. They took another tree which was not in a better condition than the previous trees because one of its sides did not have many leaves. The wife whispered to her husband, and the husband asked if both trees could be bought at the price of $3. Slat realized that it would be difficult for him to sell those trees, so finally, he agreed to sell them both for $3. 

A few days later Slat was walking when he saw a beautiful tree in the couple’s apartment. The tree was full and the shape was good. He knocked on the door and the couple explained how they had tied the two trees together with the bare sides touching. The branches of the trees crossed over one another making the trees appear as one.. 

“So that is your secret,” exclaimed Slat, “You just took two imperfect trees with flaws that could have been discarded because no one would accept them. But united in the right way, you produced something so beautiful.”

The same goes for a marriage. We could not find a perfect husband or wife. Every one of us has so many imperfections. However, when we can complement and support each other and accept our spouse’s imperfections, we can have a beautiful marriage. 

Prayer: Lord, teach us to accept our spouse’s flaws and help us to complement each other in the family. Amen.

from You and Me, Forever

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1st Marriage ZZ

The House Of Differences

‘Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:14(NLT)

The massive house, Castleward was built in the 1760s and located about 30 miles from Belfast, Ireland. 

The first owner of this house was Bernard Ward and his wife, Lady Anne. One of the striking features of this house was the existence of two architectural styles. The back part of the house was built in the Gothic style, while the front part of the house was built in Neo-Classic style. This house was built this way because Bernard and Lady Anne could not agree with the architectural style of their house. Not only were they different in architectural style, but they also had so many differences that Lady Anne finally decided to leave the marriage.

Depending on your viewpoint, that house could be used as a symbol to celebrate the existence of differences, or a monument of their pride. Differences in thoughts, feelings, and hopes of husband and wife are quite common in a family. How the couple sees the differences will decide the happiness of their marriage. Let us view each difference positively, and be open to receive and adapt to each difference. When husband and wife can accept each other and be ready to adjust, differences in the family will enrich their married life. 

Prayer: Lord, teach us not to focus on our differences. Allow us to accept one another and focus on Your plans in our family life. Amen.

from You and Me, Forever

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1st Marriage ZZ

Say Something Sweet

‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11(NLT)

Don Wilton wrote, “People give up at times when they feel unappreciated.” 

George and Mary Lou were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Someone asked George, “What is the recipe for a long-lasting and happy marriage?” George explained that after he got married, his parent in-laws gave him a gift. The gift was a gold watch that was still worn by George at that time. He showed this watch to the person. A sentence was written on the surface of the watch, “Say something sweet to Mary Lou.” 

It seems that all of us need that kind of watch. 

In his book, Blink, Malcolm Gladwell wrote about a relationship and friendship expert who could estimate the success potential of a married couple. He stated that the success of the marriage is determined by the interaction and communication between each other. What sign did he see that a marriage could experience a problem? Words that do not edify each other. 

If someone treats his partner with negative words, their relationship will usually fail. To be valued, you need to know how to value other people. To be respected, you need to sincerely respect others. When we look down on someone, we see him as a victim and not a person.

How is our communication in the family, be it in the relationship between husband and wife or with our children? Let us build a family filled with constructive words that build and strengthen each other. If we can do this, our family surely will be happier.

Prayer: Lord, teach us how to use our words to edify and strengthen one another. Let our words impart love and new enthusiasm. Amen.

from You and Me, Forever

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1st Marriage ZZ

The First Words

‘This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. ‘ John 15:12(NLT)

For fifty-seven years, Steven Henning from Huntley, Illinois, could not hear the sound of music, laughter, or even other people’s voices. Even though he had a good life, Steven still longed to hear the voices of those whom he loved. 

During the winter season in 2001, he heard news about an operation that could make sound waves bypass the non-functioning part of the ear and go straight into the auditory nerves. He underwent this operation on 30th January. Because the hearing aid could not be attached and activated before the swelling in his ears had subsided, both Steve and the doctor did not have any idea if the operation was successful.

Finally, after waiting anxiously for six weeks, the auditory specialist attached the hearing aid. Then the doctor asked Steve’s wife to say something. Pat Henning approached her husband and gently said, “I love you.” Steve smiled as he was finally able to hear for the first time in sixty years. The first words he heard were words of love. 

The same goes for our marriage and family life. Let every word that we say daily to others be the words of love. When we speak words of love to our spouse and children, we sow love into their lives. The life which is full with love will make our family be filled with joy. 

Prayer: Lord, teach us to always sow words of love in our family. Let our words bring forth Your love in our family. Amen.

from You and Me, Forever

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage – Day 10

‘Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory. ‘ Romans 15:7(NLT)

Every human being has a core need to belong. We want to know that people believe in us, approve of us, and accept us for who we are. Acceptance seems to be pretty easy when we’re dating. After marriage, acceptance gets harder because we bump into those differences more often! On top of that, we begin to deal with life circumstances we weren’t necessarily expecting. This is why we need our God-tool of acceptance. 

Acceptance is the action of fully receiving someone for who they completely are without trying to change, alter, or correct them. This is a hard one for many of us. We say we accept our spouse, but in those dark places of reality, we are really trying to change them. They are driving us nuts and we want it to stop. This was honestly at the core of my (Mark) disillusionment with my marriage when I left. I couldn’t see it then, but I see it clearly now. 

Both Jill and I have had quite a learning curve when it comes to the tool of acceptance. For me (Jill) acceptance is a God-tool I’ve had a hard time remembering to use. My pride of thinking my way is the right way too often gets in the way. I want Mark’s brain to work like mine, and when it doesn’t, my tendency is to criticize or to try to change him. I want Mark to like some of the same things I like, and when he doesn’t, I work to change his perspective. When I’m doing those kinds of things, I’m not accepting him for who he is and how God made him. 

Acceptance has helped me honor my husband. It’s helped me celebrate who he is. Mark moves at a different pace than I do so I’m learning to honor his slower steps forward…even his pauses to stop and smell the flowers along the way. I’m not his mom. I’m not his coach. I’m not his teacher. I’m his wife, and acceptance has helped me to link arms with the man I love in order to walk through life together. 

As I (Mark) worked through the affair and examined the “why’s” behind what happened in my head and my heart, I realized I wasn’t accepting Jill for who she is. Instead, I was working against her, trying to change her into what was easier and more comfortable for me. I was working to make her into who I wanted her to be.

My first step in learning to use the tool of acceptance was asking God for forgiveness. I cleaned up the mess I made in my head and my heart against my wife. Once I cleaned up my inside mess, I then asked Jill for forgiveness. Then the real work began for me. I had to start seeing the good in Jill…even in the things that frustrated me. 

There is so much good in our differences, but before I learned about acceptance, I couldn’t see those things. Not only that, but I took our challenges personally. I made things about me that, while they affected me, weren’t about me at all. 

I confess I am the guy who is always wanting the “easy button.” I am the guy has always desired the “no combat and no conflict zone.” But I’m also the guy who just went along for the ride, not wanting to make waves while bitterness was simmering beneath the surface. 

We invite you to change your prayer today. Instead of “God, change her,” or “Lord, change him,” start praying “Father, please change me.” That’s the first step in picking up your God-tool of acceptance.

What about you? Where do you need to stop trying to change your spouse and instead accept him or her just as he or she is? 

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage – Day 9

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:12-13(NLT)

Since I (Jill) tend to be a “buck up” person, that means I’m a buck up mom and a buck up wife. That also means in the past, I was pretty low on compassion. This is one big place God has been growing me in a huge way. For years I claimed “this is just the way God made me.” Then I did a study on the character of God. When I got to “God is compassionate,” I gulped with conviction. If God is compassionate, and I’m created in the image of God, then that means I can become compassionate. Over time I’ve come to understand compassion really is one of our much-needed God-tools for marriage! 

Author and speaker Tammy Maltby shared with me, “Compassion is a choice. We must choose to see. We must choose to reach out to the other person and weep when they weep. We use our tears and pain to relate, to build a bridge into another person’s reality. It is one of God’s most powerful tools.”

Compassion feels. It builds bridges. Compassion creates a sense of safety and security in your marriage and in the relationships that mean the most to you. Learning to listen with empathy helps your spouse trust you more. It causes him/her to feel validated and loved. Compassion helps you slow down, tune in, and really connect to those you love. It’s a God-tool that’s so underused in marriage, particularly as stress increases, margin decreases, and you become more familiar with your spouse’s imperfections. Closely related to compassion is kindness and patience. In fact, it’s safe to say that if you’re using your God-tool of compassion, you’ll be more likely to be kind and patient, as well. 

When Mark went through his mid-life crisis, God used those nine months to grow me in compassion. Initially I was hurt and angry, of course. Soon, however, I began to see Mark as confused and hurting. He wasn’t the enemy but instead was being blinded by the enemy. He had lost his way. I believe the more I used the God-tool of compassion, the more it opened me up to love “unhumanably.” 

Need to increase your use of the God-tool of compassion? You’ll want to start focusing on the feelings, not a solution. This is where the old adage “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care,” comes into play. You don’t have to agree with emotions when you validate them. You simply have to let the other person know you are connecting to the reality of what they’re feeling. 

You’ll also want to look at your spouse through God’s eyes. See them as broken. Wounded. In process. In need of a Savior. Struggling. Lost. Confused. Imperfect. See them through eyes of grace and love. 

And then finally you’ll need to respond with empathetic, validating statements. “I bet that was so disappointing,” or “I’m sure that hurt your heart deeply,” or “That breaks my heart. I would imagine it broke yours,” or “I’m so sorry. I’m sure that was painful for you to experience.” These kinds of caring responses let your spouse know he or she is heard and cared for. 

What about you? Where do you need to see your spouse through the lens of compassion? Where do you need to respond compassionately? 

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage – Day 8

‘If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. ‘ James 1:5(NLT)

‘one God and Father of all, who is over all, in all, and living through all.’ Ephesians 4:6(NLT)

‘But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ‘ Matthew 5:28(NLT)

‘You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:13(NLT)

‘Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.’ Proverbs 13:10(NLT)

Nobody comes into marriage knowing how to be married. We might think we know, but it doesn’t take long to realize “you don’t know what you don’t know.” Even if you had good role models growing up, there’s much you didn’t see that contributed to a lifelong marriage. Much of what happens in marriage are the little things. The wrong little choices pull us apart and the right little choices keep us connected. It’s our God-tool of wisdom that keeps us making the right little choices. 

Learning about marriage is a lifelong journey. Even couples that have been married for decades need to keep seeking wisdom on how to be the right person, how to better understand the differences, how to deepen intimacy—both sexual and non-sexual, how to stop the fades, and how to handle anything that life throws our way. 

We gain wisdom from the Bible, from the knowledge and experience of wise people, and from our own experiences. Some people look at the Bible as a book full of rules. What we need to see, however, is a book full of direction and guidelines that protect us from the consequences of foolish choices. Living life God’s way doesn’t protect us from bad things happening in our lives; this is a broken world after all. The wisdom in the Bible, however, does protect us from the consequences of our own poor choices. 

Maybe your spouse wants nothing to do with making your marriage any better. Maybe you feel like “what’s the use? I’m the only one truly making an effort here. Why am I trying so hard when he/she doesn’t seem to be?” Before we go any further, there’s an important piece of God’s wisdom you need to focus on. It’s found in Colossians 3:23, “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord, rather than for people.” No matter what your spouse does, you have to be motivated by doing the right things for God. Not for a specific result, but simply because God asks you to do things His way. The beautiful thing about this is that you will gain wisdom! You will be changed! And if one person changes in a marriage, the marriage changes! 

Much of the mess I (Mark) made in our marriage happened because I disregarded the wisdom from God’s Word. I knew what God said about anger being out of control (Ephesians 4:26), but I still let anger consume me. I knew that God’s Word said that if you looked at a woman lustfully, God considers that committing adultery in my heart (Matthew 5:28), but I still clicked on pornography. I knew it wasn’t wise to talk to an old female friend on Facebook (1 Corinthians 16:13), but I did anyway, and those conversations fanned the flames of an affair. In other words, wisdom was a tool in my marriage tool belt I knowingly chose not to use. Sure I wasn’t thinking of that in the moment…or maybe I was, but I was choosing to ignore that still small voice of wisdom and accountability in my head. 

Humility and wisdom go hand in hand. In fact, Proverbs 13:10 tells us, “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” Humility allows us to hear the wisdom of others. Humility opens our hearts to the wisdom of God’s Truth. Humility lets us take a hard look at our experiences and determine whether we should repeat the same actions or run in the opposite direction! Now that’s wisdom we all desperately need!

What about you? Where do you need to seek wisdom in how you’re responding in your marriage?  

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

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from 10 Days To A Better Marriage – Day 7

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. ‘ Philippians 2:3(NLT)

Our human nature wants to do what we want to do. Pride so easily sneaks in and does a number on our marriage. It’s self-centered. Self-focused. Self-preserving. It’s all about “I” and “me.” Pride keeps us from apologizing when we’re wrong. It builds walls, crushes kindness, and kills intimacy.

Pride is a thief. It robs us of our joy because we are obsessed with believing we deserve something better than what we have. It cheats us of God’s plan for our lives because we demand our own way. Pride robs us of knowledge because we already know it all. It keeps us from experiencing healing because we refuse to forgive, and we wouldn’t dream of admitting we are wrong. It steals intimacy from our relationship with God because “I can do it myself.” It damages relationships because “I’m right and you’re wrong.” It keeps us from emotional depth in our marriage because we are unwilling to be honest and transparent. More than anything, pride wraps a tight chain around our hearts, keeping us bound up with anger, demands, and unforgiveness. It poisons and robs us of the joys of life. 

While humility feels weak, the truth is that humility is a sign of great strength. It’s about putting ego aside. The word humility comes from a Latin word humilitas that means grounded or low. When we are “grounded,” we aren’t easily swayed. We stand firm in who we are, who we belong to, and who we are committed to be going forward. A grounded person isn’t looking for recognition because they are at peace with their worth in God’s eyes. 

Humility is also about submission. A humble person submits to authority. Submission is not a word that many of us embrace, but when we allow God to lead our lives, we submit to his leadership. We do this because we believe He has our best interests in mind. The more we are able to submit, the more peace we experience. 

I (Mark) struggle with the submitting side of humility. Questioning if God really does have my best interest at heart, I wrongly try to take the lead in my life. I have to pull out my God-tool of humility when I’m trying to take matters into my own hands and making a mess of it all. 

I (Jill) have to pull out my God-tool of humility most often when Mark and I are disagreeing or I’m frustrated with him. Pride can so easily slip in when I think my way is the best way. Pride also shows up when I’m wrong and I need to own my stuff and apologize. My stubborn pride keeps my heart separated from Mark’s heart when I’m unwilling to pull out my God-tool of humility and use it like it’s meant to be used. When I replace pride with humility, it turns around so many marriage fades! 

Just like forgiveness, we rarely “feel” like being humble. Our flesh wants to argue, protect, and be right. We have to actively choose to replace our pride with humility. We have to choose to submit to God and His ways. 

Are you looking for that peace that passes understanding in your marriage? It almost always starts with humility. 

What about you? Where do you need to replace pride with humility?

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage – Day 6

‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. ‘ John 13:34(NLT)

‘Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord . Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.’ Romans 12:9-21(NLT)

We get married because we fall in love. Many get divorced because they say they “fall out of love.” Because of this, we tend to think that love is a feeling. We don’t recognize it as a choice, a tool we desperately need to use when navigating our imperfect relationship. 

Love is a blend of affection, devotion, and loyalty. It is part emotion and part commitment. When you feel like you don’t love your spouse anymore…that’s a normal feeling because feelings increase and decrease in all relationships. When you feel that way, however, it is a red flag that you need to pull out your God-tool of love and start using it intentionally. 

When Mark chose to separate and was pursuing divorce, love was my tool of choice. I have to be honest, it wasn’t my idea. It was God’s. Several days after I discovered the affair and confronted Mark about it, I was despondent and begging God for direction. “What do you want me to do?” I begged. “Lord, you have to tell me what to do. I don’t know what to do!” I sobbed.     

As I began to calm down, God spoke to my heart. It wasn’t an audible voice, but rather a strong sense of direction and peace. “Jill, I want you to love him.” Immediately I protested, “But Lord he’s not very lovable right now.” And then God whispered back, “And sometimes you’re not either.” Well He had me there. “Ok, Lord,” I whispered back, “You’re right. You love me when I’m not lovable, so you’re going to have to show me how to do that.” 

A few days later as I was reading my Bible, I opened it randomly to the book of Romans. Romans 12:9-21 to be exact:

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

God couldn’t have shown me how to love in a practical way any clearer than that. I began, to the best of my ability, to love every time I interacted with Mark. It wasn’t perfect, but in the majority of my interactions with Mark, God met me in the moment and showed me how to respond with love. Many times I would have to slow down and pray before responding. I needed to choose a loving response because I usually wasn’t feeling’ it in those moments. 

Jill’s love was powerful and God used it to soften my hard heart during our dark season. Never underestimate the power of your God-tool of love.

What about you? Where do you need to use your God-tool of love—especially when your spouse isn’t real lovable? 

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage