Category: 1st Marriage

‘But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another.’ Galatians 5:15(NLT)

Does your marriage need a vacation from a particular issue? Is it time to stop discussing—or fighting—over something and lay it down for a while? 

I recently read a blog post from my good friend, Ted Lowe, a speaker, blogger, and the founder of MarriedPeople. Sometimes married couples argue over and over about the same things. Does this describe your relationship?  I pray you’ll be encouraged today as I share an excerpt from Ted’s message with you.

So many married couples get stuck on a particular issue. They have the same fight over and over about finances, parenting, in-laws, sex, or a million other things. When this happens, it’s not long before the issue becomes more important than the relationship. When a wife looks at her husband, she sees the issue. When a husband hears his wife speak, he hears the issue. And, when they think about each other, they think about the issue.

Because both mates may feel passionately about their point of conflict, they may believe they can’t move forward in their relationship until the issue is resolved. This may be the true, such as is the case with infidelity. But I have discovered that most of the time it’s helpful for couples to just take a vacation from their issues.

Two Vacations in One

Some dear friends of ours were stuck on the issue of whether they should move to a bigger house or stay in their current home. This caused great tension in their marriage. They were at our house the night before they were scheduled to leave and they were afraid they were going to fight the entire trip.

So I encouraged them to take a vacation from talking about moving or staying while on vacation. They were surprised by my suggestion. After all, aren’t couples supposed to immediately resolve problems? Shouldn’t they really work to figure it out? Shouldn’t they see a counselor to help them fix it? Sometimes, yes. But other times, it’s best to just take a vacation from the issue.

When our friends returned, they said they really enjoyed being together. They also realized that they needed a vacation from their issue and the tension that it brought with it. Since then, they decided to stay in their current home, because no home is more important than their relationship. But they needed a break from their problem to see it more clearly and to make their marriage the priority again.

A Very Good Reason for a Vacation

Rather than taking a vacation from their issue, our friends could have gone on their trip and done exactly as they feared. They could have fought the entire time. Galatians 5:15 is a good reminder that sometimes a vacation from an issue is the best thing for couples when the tension is high. “If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful, or you will completely destroy each other.”

Wouldn’t a better solution be to take a time out?

A Reminder for People Who Would Like to Take a Permanent Vacation from Their Issues

Sometimes taking a vacation from an issue can feel threatening to spouses who process verbally.  If you are married to a verbal processor, and you suggest taking a vacation from the issues, make sure you reassure her/him that you care about what she/he thinks and feels, and you will definitely revisit the issue later. You can even agree on a particular time that you will talk about the problem again.

Does your marriage need a vacation from a particular issue? Is it time to stop discussing—or fighting—over something and lay it down for a while? You don’t actually have to go on vacation to take a vacation from your problems. You can stay home. And it just might be the best trip you take all year.

from 5 Essentials For A Happy Marriage

‘Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?” “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked. Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”’ Matthew 19:3-9(NLT)

For many couples, romance is easy before marriage. There were no kids to distract, no financial pressures, and no annoying habits. After marriage, we take each other for granted and stop courting each other. Perhaps you’ve grown distant in your relationship and you spend more time with friends and your children than you do each other.

I really like the advice Sabrina Beasley of Family Life gives couples to bring back the desire you enjoyed as a couple early on in your relationship:

1. Communicate.

As simple as it seems, you need to talk to each other. You may be thinking, “But I talk to my spouse all the time.”  I’m not talking about discussing family business. When I say “talk” I mean dream together, share your thoughts, expose your feelings instead of keeping them to yourself. It’s important to turn off the television or put down that magazine and look into each other’s eyes while you converse. Really listen and understand. If your spouse is distracted, then ask him or her to carve out 10-15 minutes just to catch up.

2. Keep short accounts and extend forgiveness regularly.

Nothing will ruin a desire to be with your spouse faster than resentment and bitterness. In return, it also ruins your spouse’s desire to be with you. Fights are going to happen in marriage; there’s no way around it. But you can choose to handle these conflicts in the right way and build up your marriage instead of tearing it down.

In Ephesians 4:31-32, the apostle Paul exhorts, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

3. Use words of affirmation regularly.

The tongue is a powerful tool. Instead of pointing out all of the ways your spouse regularly disappoints you, start to look for the positive attributes. By giving a little praise, more of your mate’s good qualities will stand out, and in addition, you will find your spouse’s heart growing larger toward you as he or she feels more appreciated and adored.

4. Check your expectations.

If you find that your spouse is continually disappointing you, it may not be his or her actions; it may be your expectations. Everyone comes into marriage with a set of unspoken rules about life. “Husbands should always…” and “Wives should always….” These rules are based on conclusions we’ve made watching our own parents and other couples that we admire. But it isn’t fair to create unspoken expectations for your spouse, and then get annoyed when they aren’t followed.

5. Never say the word “divorce.”

Marriage is a covenant that is made to last until death. That may be hard to believe in a culture where divorce is commonplace, but the Word of God is very serious about the promise of vows between man and wife (Matthew 19:3-9).

I’ve heard many couples use the word divorce as a way to threaten and control his or her spouse, such as, “If you don’t stop…I’ll divorce you.” If you choose to handle conflict in this way, your spouse can become afraid that you’re going to leave and find it difficult to trust you. These feelings then lead to bitterness and isolation.

Instead, tell your spouse that you will never leave. Let your husband or wife know that you are willing to work things out because you made a promise to your spouse and to God–to stay in the marriage as long as you both shall live.

from 5 Essentials For A Happy Marriage

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

The unity two people experience in marriage should extend into all aspects of their life… including finances. 

When God said in Genesis 2:24, “They shall become one flesh,” He wasn’t just talking about the physical. God created marriage as the highest, most honored, and most intimate of all human relationships.

In fact, in Matthew 19:4-6, Jesus affirms the concept of oneness when he said, “…At the beginning the Creator made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” And if I could add…and money shouldn’t either!

Nothing reveals differences in a marriage more than sex and you guessed it…money! There are times when my wife, Carla, and I don’t find it easy to see beyond the differences to work toward common goals. God often puts opposite personality types together in marriage, not to frustrate them but to allow the strengths of each spouse to balance the weaknesses of the other. This way, two can work as one.

In a marriage, there is no “my money” and “your money” or “my debts” and “your debts”. There is only our money and our debts. Carla and I are convinced it is hard for a couple to experience oneness if they are constantly separating their finances. God will bring a couple closer if, from the very beginning, they establish God’s Word as their financial guide and they faithfully follow biblical financial principles together.

Larry Burkett of Christian Financial Concepts and Crown Financial Ministries believes a couple should never separate their finances including checking accounts, because when they develop a “his money/her money” philosophy, it usually leads to “him-versus-her” mentality in other aspects of the marriage as well. Unwillingness to join all assets and bank accounts after marriage is perhaps a danger signal that unresolved trust could exist in the relationship.

It’s hard to be one when you are financially divided. Does that mean you will always see eye to eye on all financial topics? No. 

Does it mean that one spouse is always right? Absolutely not. 

But it does mean that as a couple you humble yourselves and tell God, “We need help! We don’t have all the answers. We want to live by your financial principles and experience the oneness we desire!”

from 5 Essentials For A Happy Marriage

Love Is the Greatest
‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)

Life is complicated and you need more than three one-liners in your marital toolbox, but often we make marriage way to complicated by creating our own drama. 

My good friend, Ted Lowe, a speaker and founder of MarriedPeople states, if you have been married long, you know that husbands and wives can see things differently. Here are three one-liners from Ted to help you maintain perspective in marriage.

When I ask people what it takes to have a great marriage, they mostly say one of two things: hard work or good communication.

The problem with hard work is that most people work hard at work, and when they get home, they don’t want to work anymore. Plus, many people don’t know how to work on their marriage, or they think working on their marriage means good communication.

The problem with good communication is that there is typically a spouse who likes to talk and a spouse who doesn’t. I’m not suggesting couples shouldn’t work on their marriage or strive for good communication; I’m just saying many couples don’t. So, what’s the answer? I think the answer is finding super simple applications that work at the speed of life. 

For instance, my wife and I have incorporated three one-liners into our marriage that have been nothing short of life altering.

#1 – “We have rich people problems.”

I’m not sure this originated with Andy Stanley, but we first heard it from him in a Sunday morning message. When we catch ourselves feeling sorry for ourselves for things like not being able to afford to go to Disney World every year, or having a broken sprinkler system, or because we drive older cars, we say, “We have rich people problems.” It’s amazing how quickly that one phrase can bring us back to the reality of how fortunate we are financially. We may not be rich by Atlanta standards, but by the world’s standards, “We have rich people problems.”

#2 – “Do you want me to fix it or feel it?”

I’m not sure where we got this one, but it has saved a thousand fights. Prior to this question, many of our fights went like this: Nancie would share with me an issue or problem she was having. I would tell her all the ways she could fix it.  She would get frustrated and tell me all the reasons my solutions wouldn’t work. Somewhere along the way we learned that most women don’t want their spouse to fix their problems, they want them to feel their problems. Now, this makes zero sense to me, but to Nancie it makes perfect sense. So, now when she shares a problem, I simply ask her, “Do you want me to fix it or feel it?” Ninety-five percent of the time she says, “Feel it.” Then I simply listen attentively. Works like a charm, every time!

#3 – “We know tragedy and this isn’t it.”

I’ve experienced quite a bit of tragedy in my life. I will spare you the details, but I have lost many family members suddenly and way before their time, one of which was my mom when I was 10. So, when we get frustrated with a situation or things go wrong, we often say to the other, “We know tragedy and this isn’t it.” We are quickly and easily reminded of what and who really matters.

Now, I realize life is complicated and you need more than three one-liners in your marital toolbox, but often we make marriage way to complicated by creating our own drama. Having simple ways to get our marriages back on course is crucial. 

Give one of these three one-liners a try for two weeks and let us know what happens.

from 5 Essentials For A Happy Marriage

Love Is the Greatest
‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)

There are many ways to express love. You can buy gifts, give compliments, a pat on the back, or a heartfelt smile. All of these are valid expressions of love. 

But there is something that speaks even louder to the priority of relationship than any of these things.

That’s why love is spelled T – I – M – E. The depth of a relationship is directly proportional to the time you invest in it.

Last year, our ministry was invited to partner with Johnny Hunt at his annual men’s conference. While attending, I had the opportunity to ask Johnny, “What is the one thing you have learned about marriage that you could share with me?”  He said, “Nothing replaces spending quality time with your spouse.”  Then he shared three statements with me that I have put into my own words.  If these are applied, they will help you grow and strengthen your relationship with your mate.

1. Dialogue Daily



Have at least one meaningful conversation with your spouse every day. Make a point to ask one important question to unlock his or her heart.  Here are some questions I have put on my list, but I encourage you to develop your own:

• If there is one thing I could change to be a better spouse, what would that one thing be?
• What do you dream about most?
• What concerns you most about the children right now?
• What is the one thing you would like me to do to lead you spiritually?
• Describe the perfect dream date.
• Who is your best friend and why?
• What is most important to you in our marriage?

2. Date Weekly



Secure a night on the calendar every week and jealously guard it.  Make it a priority to go out once a week and have fun together!  When your spouse has one uninterrupted night with you each week, they will know they are a priority!

3. Depart Quarterly



Okay, even if you can’t go to the Ritz Carlton, the idea is to get away from the monotony of life, the stress of kids, the hectic schedule, and enjoy quality time during a weekend every three months with your mate.

It may seem unromantic to be strategic about love.  After all, an exciting relationship with your spouse involves feelings and emotions of spontaneity. But a long-term, healthy, thriving relationship requires a certain level of planning. 

Anyone can fall in love, but it takes work to stay that way. And, being strategic doesn’t mean you have to take the spice out of your relationship.

from 5 Essentials For A Happy Marriage