Category: 1st Marriage

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need. Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. ‘ Ephesians 4:26-31(NLT)

‘Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.’ Proverbs 15:4(NLT)

‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences. The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord .’ Proverbs 18:21-22(NLT)

‘We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. ‘ 2 Corinthians 10:3-5(NLT)

Now that you understand God’s fundamental plan for marriage and you have the top five marriage “must-haves,” all that is left are a few words of wisdom. These are some of the most common issues we have experienced in our own marriage and in the hundreds of couples that we have worked with.

First, are you a reactor or a processor? A reactor is quick to speak and will often spew lava (harsh words), but then almost instantly feels better. The processor will sit back and want to process what is being shared before speaking. Here is the problem with both: a reactor is looking for a reaction and will push a processor way past processing to the point where the processor will snap and lash out. On the other hand, a processor will often “self-process” an issue, and out of fear of confrontation never come back to the reactor for resolution.

So while the reactor is advancing, the processor is retreating. This is a vicious cycle. The reactor needs to “one-time” share their issue and then allow the processor time and space to process. But then the processor has to initiate the follow up conversation to seek resolution.

Second is God’s order. What does that mean? Simply that there is a clear hierarchy in God’s order for family. We have had numerous couples tell us that their reason for doing something was because of their children. Of course we are called to guide, protect, and love our kids, but they are third in God’s order. To be a good mother or father, you have to first be a good husband or wife.

Marriage is a picture of Jesus loving us, His bride, and marriage does not work without the fruits of the Spirit. We are modeling Jesus to our children through our marriage. So to be a good mother or father, you have to first be a good husband or wife. But in order to be a good husband or wife, you have to first be a good son or daughter to our Heavenly Father.

Making sure your relationship with Jesus is on point is the best thing you can do for your spouse and your kids. Get some spiritual healing individually at events like Basecamp for men or Changed for women. (www.truenorth.live/basecamp or www.changedokc.com) These are life-changing weekends that will first make you a better son or daughter to our Heavenly Father, so that you will become a better spouse and a better parent.

Lastly, find some good counseling. These days, with video counseling and tele-conferencing, you can counsel with anyone around the world. Feel free to reach out to True North for recommendations or suggestions on how to identify a good Christian counselor.

Now take some time and ask God: “What do You want me to focus on first? What point in this devotion is my first step? What is my next step?”

About the Author-

We want to thank Trey Dixon, the Executive Director of True North Ministries for writing this plan. Trey has been married for 20+ years and is also a licensed pastoral counselor who has worked with countless couples to help restore broken and struggling marriages. 

from True North: LIVE Free In Marriage

‘For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for him and how you have shown your love to him by caring for other believers, as you still do. Our great desire is that you will keep on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true. Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent. Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God’s promises because of their faith and endurance.’ Hebrews 6:10-12(NLT)

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” ‘ Galatians 5:13-14(NLT)

‘And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:1-2(NLT)

‘Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity. Anyone who wants to serve me must follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves me.’ John 12:25-26(NLT)

The last habit or ingredient to a thriving marriage is serving. Whether it is serving at your local church, a ministry that you’re passionate about or maybe a neighbor in need, serving others is crucial.

Now let me also recognize that there is a time and season for everything. If you are trying to recover from an affair, a porn addiction, gambling, alcohol or drug addiction, then maybe serving is your next season. When the pain and shock of hidden sins or betrayal first comes to light, you might actually need to step back from serving to seek some intense counseling and healing. But not forever!

Serving others helps us take our eyes off of ourselves and focus on others and their needs. This is so important because if you never take your eyes off yourself, all you will do is focus on yourself and become selfish and self-seeking. When a marriage is struggling, plenty of selfishness and self-seeking is already occurring. Serving is a great way to refocus and take our eyes off ourselves and onto those who need help. What you often find is that your troubles aren’t as bad as you thought and you actually have a lot to be thankful for.

Serving also brings you and your spouse to a unified front. No matter of all the other issues you might disagree on, at least on this issue you can agree, and that is a great start. So start the conversation with your spouse, and ask God: “Where would you like us to serve? What is a need we can fill?”

from True North: LIVE Free In Marriage

‘For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.’ Hebrews 4:12-13(NLT)

‘All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.’ 2 Timothy 3:16-17(NLT)

‘Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.’ Psalms 119:105(NLT)

‘How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word.’ Psalms 119:9(NLT)

Today we will be looking at the fourth habit of a healthy and thriving marriage: reading together. Clearly reading God’s word needs to be a priority, but also books on marriage, parenting, finances, time management, etc. Whatever you need a little help in, read and learn together.

This is especially true with God’s word. Be honest with your spouse and tell them if you’re struggling with patience, with pride, with fear, with lust, etc. Then look up scripture together; read it, discuss it, and then pray together about it.

If your finances are a wreck, then get a copy of Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey and read it together. Reading and learning together begins to align your thoughts and spirits and helps to close divides that are present. It also gives an avenue for intentional quality time, which is often lacking in struggling marriages.

Amy and I love to take road trips, either together or with our children. We often read a book or article while driving. Let me clarify, she reads out loud, and I drive. Let’s all be safe!

One of the greatest tools of this century has been the internet, smart phones and apps. More than likely, that is exactly what you are reading right now—the Bible app on YouVersion. Now you can read plans together or with friends. So let’s say you and your spouse are both reading this plan but one of you reads in the morning and the other at lunch, now you can both come together at night and discuss it. It’s perfect!

Take a few moments and ask God and yourself: “Have I been faithful to reading the Bible? What should my spouse and I be reading right now?”

from True North: LIVE Free In Marriage

‘Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.’ Hebrews 10:24-25(NLT)

‘For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.”’ Matthew 18:20(NLT)

‘Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. ‘ Colossians 3:16(NLT)

‘Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ.’ Ephesians 4:11-13(NLT)

‘All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper ), and to prayer.’ Acts of the Apostles 2:42(NLT)

By now you should understand that it is not good to be alone. You should also know that you were created for relationship and to learn how to love. Yesterday, we learned that prayer and community are vital to a healthy and thriving marriage.

Today we will be discussing the third element of a healthy marriage:going to church together. If you have children, then attending church as a family is critical. Attending church as a family does several things for a marriage. First, it helps root out selfishness. I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to hit SNOOZE and just sleep in. Or how many times I would rather try to justify it by saying “we are having a family day,” instead of doing what is right.

Second, by going to church together, we are part of a church family, where we develop deep friendships that are rooted in Christ. It also allows us to worship as a family and as a couple. Tithing also roots out selfishness. My wife and I often discuss the message, which brings our hearts closer to each other as we are simultaneously growing closer to God. There are are a myriad of reasons why attending church as a family or couple is beneficial. 

If you don’t have a good church to call home, go find one. Even if you have to drive a little bit or get up a little earlier, it is worth the investment. Remember yesterday how we discussed the importance of community. Finding and building community with people you go to church with is, hands down, the easiest way to accomplish it. 

Take a few moments and ask God: “Has church truly been a priority to me and my spouse/family?” If you’re not plugged into a local church, ask God for guidance in choosing one.

from True North: LIVE Free In Marriage

‘I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. ‘ 1 Corinthians 1:10(NLT)

‘This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.’ 1 John 1:5-7(NLT)

‘Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.’ Galatians 6:1-3(NLT)

Yesterday we discovered the power and impact that praying regularly has on your marriage. Today we will be looking at the impact of Godly community. I specifically said “Godly” community because a lot of us have friends from work, friends from college, etc., that may be there for us but are not necessarily “Godly.”

What I am talking about are close relationships that you meet with, as a couple, regularly. This can be a Sunday school group, a Life Group, Community Group, etc. Whatever word or label you or your church calls it is irrelevant. What matters is that you have other couples that you are open, honest, and transparent with.

These are people who you can honestly share with about the struggles in your life. Whether it is your marriage, finances, kids, money, etc., these are people who will not judge you but will pray for you and with you. They will also give you biblical advice, not their opinion(s). Let’s be honest, this is not always easy to find, but it is worth the effort to obtain it. Remember our reading on Day 1: God created us for love and relationship. Even Jesus did life with others.

Another big reason for needing biblical community is accountability. We all need others from time to time to call us out and hold our feet to the fire. People who can lovingly tell you when you are wrong, people you trust enough to listen to. That way, when we are struggling in our marriage, we have trusted friends who will be there and help guide us back to Jesus.

Take a step and either join a group or even start a group. Take a risk, trust God and be transparent. Your transparency will encourage others to open up as well!

Take a moment and ask God: “Do I have the friends that you would like me to have? Have I been intentional about seeking out true biblical community?”

from True North: LIVE Free In Marriage