Category: 1st Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

WONDERING IF SPOUSE IS TRULY REPETANT OVER AFFAIR, AT RISK FOR ANOTHER

‘Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:7 https://my.bible.com/bible/116/1CO.13.7

‘For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.’ 2 Corinthians 7:10(NLT)

An affair represents a deep breach of trust between husband and wife — a breach so deep and so difficult to mend that many couples who have experienced the pain of infidelity are not willing to do the hard work required to rebuild their marriage. It’s hard enough to make that effort when the guilty party has confessed his or her sin, expressed genuine remorse, and indicated a real desire to get back on the right track.

But when there are signs that true repentance is lacking, the victim of the affair may find it extremely difficult to move forward. He or she may be plagued by doubts about the other person’s sincerity or fears of recurring infidelities in the future. Anxieties of this kind can have a paralyzing and debilitating impact on the healing process.

If this is your situation and there are indications that true repentance is lacking, your feelings of confusion and a reluctance to move forward are understandable. If the relationship is to continue, you and your spouse owe it to each other to demonstrate your commitment to fidelity. This is particularly important for the individual who has been unfaithful in the past.

You need clarity and the best way to find it is to get into counseling together as soon as possible. Only within the context of intensive therapy with a trained marriage specialist can you even begin to see whether your spouse is truly repentant or not. As you delve into that process all the deeper issues will rise to the surface, and the proof will be in the pudding. If it becomes evident that the guilty spouse is experiencing real “godly sorrow” (2 Corinthians 7:10) in connection with his past actions, you can then begin to take steps toward restoration and reconciliation.

Part of this process involves working with your counselor to build safeguards or “hedges” around your marriage to protect it against another affair. For example, do you have access to each other’s cell phones and email accounts? Obviously, one can go overboard in this regard, creating an atmosphere of distrust and even paranoia in the process. But in the wake of an affair it’s only reasonable to expect a greater level of accountability in order to rebuild trust.

Another critical element of preventing subsequent affairs is understanding how the first one occurred. In many cases, affairs happen because there are cracks in the marriage. Sometimes spouses drift apart and stop communicating. Or they have unresolved issues related to finances, sex or parenting. An individual might even have emotional problems, like past sexual abuse or bipolar disorder, that lead to an increased likelihood of infidelity. None of these things excuse an affair, of course, but they are factors that need to be taken into account. Work with your counselor to identify what made your marriage open to the affair initially. Then come up with practical ways to strengthen those weak areas.

In the event that the counseling process uncovers a real lack of repentance, remorse, and “godly sorrow” on the part of the offending spouse, you will have to deal with this aspect of the problem before attempting to restore the relationship. This observation is particularly important where the behavior and attitude of the unfaithful party is characterized by anger, narcissism, or a talent for manipulation. Individuals who fit this description find it difficult to grasp how they may have hurt someone else. They tend to direct all their energy toward shoring up their own position and making themselves look as good as possible. They may wish to assume the appearance of an empathetic, loving, and repentant spouse, but there’s a basic flaw in their psychological make-up that makes it very difficult for them to understand what that really means.

This renders the victim of the affair vulnerable to a strong temptation to blame herself for the troubles at the heart of the marriage. The result is guilt, resentment, and a gnawing sense that you haven’t forgiven your spouse and will never be able to do so. It should be obvious that genuine reconciliation is impossible under such conditions.

If you and your spouse are facing a situation like this, it would probably be a good idea to get into separate counseling prior to seeing a therapist together. That’s because angry and narcissistic people are notoriously skillful at taking control of group sessions and manipulating them to their own advantage. An individual counselor may be able to help the unfaithful spouse work through some of his or her personal issues before attempting to address your marital concerns in concert.

from Infidelity: Obstacles to Recovery

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1st Marriage ZZ

FALLOUT OF AN AFFAIR: LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND FORGIVENESS ISSUES

‘Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. I will rebuild you, my virgin Israel. You will again be happy and dance merrily with your tambourines.’ Jeremiah 31:3-4(NLT)

The fallout of an affair can manifest itself in lots of different ways. Many men and women whose spouses have succumbed to the lure of infidelity continue to be plagued by feelings of low self-esteem and self-doubt long after the affair has been laid to rest. This in turn often gives rise to additional thoughts of shame and self-loathing. If you’re in this position, you may be wondering whether you’ve actually forgiven your spouse. You might even feel tempted to take the blame for his unfaithfulness — as if his actions prove that you are somehow unworthy or unlovable. If so, it’s time for a reality check.

Where your feelings of low self-esteem are concerned, there are three things you need to bear in mind. First, your worth as a person is dependent upon God alone. The Lord has told you in the plainest possible terms that He loves you with an everlasting love. So great is that love that He sent His son to die on your behalf (John 3:16), and He would have done it if you were the only person who ever lived. No action of another human being can ever change that. You belong to Christ, and as a result you can say with the Psalmist, “The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Psalm 118:6).

Second, you must understand that the affair was not your fault. A wife could be extraordinarily beautiful, brilliant, and accomplished, and her husband could still choose the sin of adultery. On the other hand, she might be significantly below average in every area and her husband could still decide to stay faithful to his wedding vows. In the final analysis, these actions have nothing to do with you. Ultimately, they’re an expression of his own free will.

Third, it usually takes two people to make a marriage more vulnerable to negative influences. You may think that this statement contradicts the last one, but there’s an important sense in which both are true. It’s possible, for instance, that while the affair was not your fault, you have nevertheless fallen into a pattern of co-dependent behavior. This is common among men and women who have been injured by infidelity. The more they are betrayed, the more they unknowingly find themselves attracted to people who betray. As a result, they unwittingly encourage further incidents of the same kind and develop a distorted self-image. The key to a brighter future is to break this unhealthy pattern.

Meanwhile, it’s highly unlikely that feelings of low self-esteem have anything to do with an inability to forgive. If you’re struggling in this area, it’s far more probable that you’ve simply failed to address the issues that led to the affair in the first place. Your spouse’s infidelity could easily be a symptom of a subtler and more complicated ailment.

Once a problem is exposed and the associated negative activity has been brought to a halt, many people tell themselves that all is well and everyone should simply move on. But this can be misleading and dangerous. As mentioned previously, the fact of the matter is that very little healing can occur unless the distorted thought processes and root issues behind your spouse’s adultery are found and treated. A paradigm shift has to take place at the heart of your marriage. Without that shift, you can become hopelessly trapped in an ongoing pattern of grief, anger or depression.

You can evaluate and address all of these potential problems with the help of a skilled Christian counselor. You have a number of options in this regard: for example, you can go to weekly sessions or to a one-time brief intensive therapy program which is three to ten days long. These can be life-changing and life-giving experiences.

from Infidelity: Obstacles to Recovery

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1st Marriage ZZ

SPOUSE STILL STRUGGLING AFTER AFFAIR

‘“Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord . “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool. If you will only obey me, you will have plenty to eat.’ Isaiah 1:18-19(NLT)

Over and over again the Bible likens God’s relationship with His people to a marriage. When the people forsake Yahweh for the idols of the nations, the prophets compare their sin to the sin of adultery; and when God, like a loving, patient, and forgiving husband, woos them and draws them back to Himself with cords of love (Hosea 11:4), His action is described in terms of a marital reconciliation.

This is exactly what Isaiah has in view when he portrays the Lord as inviting the inhabitants of Judah to come and “reason” with Him. The Hebrew word used in this passage belongs to the sphere of the law court. The assumption is that the two parties involved are entering into a process of coming to terms. They’re preparing to lay their issues on the table, hash things out, and invest the time and effort required to put the relationship back on a functional basis. They’re coming together, possibly with the help of a neutral arbitrator, in a desire to correct unhealthy relational patterns, heal the hurts of the past, and make things right again. And they’re acknowledging right up front that it’s going to take a lot of hard work.

You and your spouse should expect to do the same if you’re recovering from the impact of infidelity. Nothing shakes up a marriage quite like an affair, and you can’t expect to reverse the damage overnight. If you were the guilty party in this instance, you need to remember that your spouse is still reeling; he feels betrayed, and you have to allow him to work through the pain and anguish of that experience. It’s easy to say that “time heals all wounds,” but the fact is that very little healing can occur unless a paradigm shift takes place at the heart of your marriage. Without that shift, you can become hopelessly trapped in an ongoing pattern of grief, anger or depression.

Confessing your fault and asking forgiveness of both God and your spouse is the first step. That in itself takes a great deal of humility and courage. Without it there can be no restoration of the relationship. But it’s important to bear in mind that it’s only the first step.

If you want to keep moving in the right direction, you and your spouse need to work together to discover the distorted thought processes and root issues that led to your adultery in the first place. Many times these lie so deep that they actually pre-date the marriage. It usually takes two people to make a relationship more vulnerable to negative influences, and unless the causes of this vulnerability are identified and dealt with, you run a very real risk of falling into the same trap again at some point in the future. Simply confessing and asking forgiveness in the present doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be equipped with healthier coping skills the next time trials or temptations arise.

However good your intentions may be, the fact remains that your wounds are still raw. Under the circumstances, it’s unrealistic to suppose that you and your spouse can resolve these issues on your own. No one expects cardiac patients to perform surgery on themselves. In the same way, a marriage that has been through the devastation of infidelity needs the healing touch of a highly skilled third party — a trained professional therapist — if it’s to survive. The best thing you can do now is to seek marital counseling together.

In the meantime, it would be a good idea to get a copy of Dave Carder’s book Torn Asunder and study it together. This resource is available through Focus on the Family’s Online Store (http://family.christianbook.com/torn-asunder-recovering-from-extramarital-affair/dave-carder/9780802471352/pd/471352?event=ESRCG).
For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Obstacles to Recovery

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1st Marriage ZZ

Experiencing An Extraordinary Marriage – Day 5

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8(NLT)

Watch today’s clip as Nancy Horton shares her renewed commitment to her husband.  

This passage in 1 Corinthians is often read at weddings because regardless of the couple’s religious commitment, their goals for love can be found in the 15 concepts listed in these four verses.

• Patience

• Kindness

• No envy of the other

• No selfish boasting

• No selfish pride

• No dishonor of the other

• No self-seeking

• Not easily angered

• No record of wrongs kept toward the other

• No evil

• Committed to truth

• Always being protective

• Always trusting

• Always hoping

• Always persevering

The stark reality is these qualities cannot be attained without the life of Christ being manifested in the marriage. One of the ways we can know this truth is to replace the word “love” with the name of “Jesus” in this passage and, suddenly, it all makes sense. Because God is love and as verse 8 begins: “Love never fails,” because He never fails. 

The context of a marriage relationship that will both experience and display these 15 qualities can only be in and through both spouses having a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Let’s close out this study by looking at three ways Christ’s brand of love can help us to see, think, and live differently than our culture to have extraordinary marriages.

• Christ’s love gives us a different place to look.

The hope of a future in Heaven encourages us to keep looking forward and fix our eyes on Jesus, not on this world. For the Christian, the best really is yet to come.

• Christ’s love gives us a different way to think.

Focusing on eternity creates a positive, optimistic, “glass half-full” mindset. The person with an attitude of hope will not only be a healthier person, but also draw others to Christ by their very being.

• Christ’s love gives us a different life to live.

We all desperately want to enjoy life. We want to feel contentment and live in the hope of a good day and a brighter tomorrow. New life in Christ is not only a different way to live, but also the best way to live. 

Review today’s list of qualities from 1 Corinthians 13. Zero in just one that you struggle with and ask God to help His love overcome you in that area.

from Experiencing An Extraordinary Marriage

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Experiencing An Extraordinary Marriage – Day 4

‘But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:6-9(NLT)

In this passage, Jesus was connecting Moses’ words as to how God created male and female to be distinct creations to the “one flesh” concept for how God views the marital commitment. Christ connected this picture of a man and a woman committing fully to one another before the Father.

A great example of how we convey this concept today is in our social communication. Here’s an example: “We’re going to dinner tonight with Bob-n-Nancy.” We do not separate the male and female out distinctly any longer, but often voice their names as if it is one phrase.

To give you a proper analogy of this one flesh idea, consider a roll of duct tape. Imagine tearing off two pieces that are each six inches long. Separate, these two pieces of tape are very sticky. They are two individual components ready to bond. If you take those two pieces and carefully connect those sticky sides together, matching up corner to corner all the way around both pieces, you will quickly and effectively no longer have two pieces of tape, but one single unit. Why? Because the two have now bonded as according to their purpose. This is a simple picture of “the two will become one flesh.”

Watch today’s clip displaying the challenges couples face and how different goals can work to try and separate the one flesh union. 

Now, back to our duct tape analogy. An interesting fact about two pieces of this tape is that once they are stuck together, you can never separate them again without destroying both pieces. In fact, once they are joined together no one, regardless of strength or dexterity, can effectively separate the two. It is impossible. This is such a great representation of the same impossibility of “what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

The union between a man and woman in marriage is sacred. From Genesis to Revelation, we find no other option or substitution offered, suggested, or given other than this one flesh union for marriage.

What is one way you could make your own one flesh union more “sticky” today to bond deeper with your spouse?

from Experiencing An Extraordinary Marriage

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Experiencing An Extraordinary Marriage – Day 3

‘And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:1-2(NLT)

The first action Paul encourages us to take is to respond to what God has done for us by offering ourselves as living sacrifices to Him. But for a sacrifice to be given, yet still remain alive, it must be in a continual state of dying while also living. This is also a very healthy commitment for a spouse to make in marriage because one can then continually practice putting God first and the marriage second before self.

The second action is experienced when sacrifice begins to produce personal holiness. This spiritual growth will then result in a greater opportunity for an extraordinary marriage. When a couple committed to Christ grows together in holiness, amazing worship is produced in and through their relationship, thereby glorifying God.

The third step is transformation through Christ from the mind being renewed. A couple who centers their marriage on the truth of God’s Word will both transform to the image of Christ as well as experience renewal in who they are, both individually and corporately.

The final outcome for the believer is testing and approving God’s will through the transformed life. A marriage that regularly experiences daily sacrifice, growth in holiness, true worship, transformation through Christ, and constant renewal through the Word will indeed be extraordinary.

Now, let’s consider these biblical concepts as we look at the difference between happiness and holiness. For many years, the word “happy” has been used to describe a successful marriage. But you also hear many people use that same word for the disintegration of their relationship in describing how they are no longer “happy.” The problem with “happy” is it is conditional and variable, dependent upon external circumstances and internal moods. So we must ask the question: Is God’s intention for marriage simply to make us happy?

Holiness is far more likely to be the goal God has for us. When we seek to be “holy and pleasing to God” then we focus on Him and our spouse, therefore we can better weather our varying conditions and selfish preferences.

Watch today’s clip depicting the common struggles so many marriages deal with today in balancing happiness and holiness. 

Is there an area in your marriage where you are focusing more on your personal happiness than on passionate holiness? How can you surrender to allow Christ to transform your heart and renew your mind today?

from Experiencing An Extraordinary Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Experiencing An Extraordinary Marriage – Day 2

‘“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”’ Matthew 7:24-27(NLT)

A congregation was constructing a new church building at another location in the city. The pastor decided to go out and visit the job site for the first time. As he walked up and put on his hardhat, he saw three bricklayers working alone on three different walls. 

The pastor went to the first bricklayer and asked, “What are you doing today, sir?” The man answered in a frustrated tone, “I’m setting this brick.” He then went to the second bricklayer and asked, “What are you doing today, sir?” The man answered, “I’m trying to get this wall built.” He then walked to the third and final bricklayer and asked, ‘What are you doing today, sir?” The man smiled and answered, “I’m building a great cathedral!” 

You could walk up to three different husbands or wives today to separately ask them about their marriages and quite possibly get very similar answers as the bricklayers gave. Some will just be co-existing, trying to merely survive another day. Others seem happy and satisfied at simply doing life together. But then there will be a precious few that realize they are building something beautiful and extraordinary as a couple. Something they could never build alone. And something they could never build without God being right in the midst of their relationship.

Watch today’s clip of David Horton explaining how He knows that God is the foundation of his family life to his new Russian friend. 

So many marriages today have built their relational foundations on sinking sand, not on the stability and firm foundation that Christ offers to any couple that will surrender their lives to Him. That is exactly why when the storms of life threaten, their “house” crashes down around them. 

But then there are the extraordinary marriages that choose together to build on Christ, making Him the Rock that keeps their “house” safe and secure. Not that these couples don’t have problems — they most certainly will as all marriages experience — but they have simply decided where they will go together and on Whom they will depend.

Where is there too much “sand” in your marriage today? How can you exchange that area for the solid rock of Jesus Christ?

from Experiencing An Extraordinary Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Experiencing An Extraordinary Marriage – Day 1

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:21-33(NLT)

In this passage, the apostle Paul paints a beautiful word picture of the delicate balance of mutual submission in marriage. Our twenty-first century culture has skewed this biblical concept to seem archaic, if not downright offensive, and the health of our marriages in this nation reflect this attitude.

Watch today’s clip, showing the mutual give and take, servant-hearted relationship that David and Nancy Horton came to re-discover. 

Consider this analogy for Paul’s mutual submission in biblical marriage:

Picture a large, darkened ballroom dance floor. The spotlight focuses on a couple strolling out to the center. He is in his tux and she in a beautiful, flowing gown. They look amazing. They clasp hands, embrace, and begin the dance. They move all around the floor with style and grace, giving the appearance of floating. They hover about effortlessly, both smiling and enjoying the experience. They are having fun, proud of what they have accomplished and what they are experiencing.

Now, at any point, does anyone watching this couple ask: “So, who’s leading?” No. In ballroom dancing, everyone knows the man leads and the woman is following. 

Now, if the man decides he is tired of leading and stops, or if the woman decides she is sick of following him, what happens? You got it. The dance is not so pretty anymore. Suddenly, those watching begin to concern themselves with the issue of whose at fault and what has gone wrong.

But when a couple is great at this style of dancing, you can’t tell who is leading. Why? Because if both take their respective roles while dancing, you are so mesmerized by the corporate and cooperative effort of the two moving about as one that you aren’t concerned or distracted by the question of who is leading or following. It doesn’t matter to anyone, because what is on display is simply beautiful to watch and enjoy. In fact, it is extraordinary! That’s what the heart of Ephesians 5 is all about in regards to marriage.

What is one practical step you can take today to allow Christ to lead your life? If you are married, how can you better submit to Christ in your role with your spouse?

from Experiencing An Extraordinary Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Dos And Don’ts: A One-Week Plan To Help Your Marriage – Day 7

‘Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.’ Philippians 2:12-13(NLT)

‘Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.’ Ephesians 3:20-21(NLT)

As we seek to restore and build our relationship with our spouse, ultimately we must first build our relationship with the Lord. We must remember that He is God and only He transforms hearts. He is the only one who can ultimately transform our heart or our spouse’s heart. We must keep in step with Him, walk with Him and listen; carefully obey His Word and ask Him to teach us how to love Him and love our spouse. 

That is the goal of this plan. And it is not something you can accomplish by sheer force of will in your own strength. You must be careful not to be results oriented. Keep your eyes and your heart fixed on God and leave all of the results up to Him to accomplish in His own way and in His own time. He is sovereign and in complete control of every moment of every day. Trust Him. He knows what He is doing. Do you believe that God is all you need? Do you believe that He is the only one that can transform your marriage?

Give yourself and your marriage to the Lord. Walk forward by faith believing that the same power that raised Christ from the dead is at work in you. Say no to your sin and turn toward Christ. Step forward in obedience entrusting it all to Him. Daily, intentionally, deliberately, obediently, sacrificially, faithfully, and humbly DO the dos and DON’T do the don’ts. 

DO:

1. Turn your eyes to Jesus. 

2. Thank the Lord and praise Him.

3.  Take ten to twenty minutes with the Lord in His Word.

4. Take every thought captive.

5.  Treat your spouse as more important than yourself. 

DON’T:

1. Do not correct your spouse. 

2. Do not complain to them, around them, or about them.

3. Do not make comments. 

4. Do not control. 

5. Do not criticize.  

from Dos And Don’ts: A One-Week Plan To Help Your Marriage

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Dos And Don’ts: A One-Week Plan To Help Your Marriage – Day 6

‘Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:29-32(NLT)

‘When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.’ Galatians 5:19-26(NLT)

‘Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.’ Psalms 139:23-24(NLT)

‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. ‘ James 1:19-20(NLT)

Today let’s unpack the don’ts.

1. Do not correct your spouse. Do not discount, discredit, or devalue what they say. No matter how wrong you think they are. Don’t backseat drive, nag, or pick, pick, pick. When they are telling a story, don’t interrupt them to make sure they get the details right. If they say it was seven years ago, and you know it was only five, let it go. Let these little things go as you work toward the big goal of love and mercy and grace.

2. Do not complain to them, around them, or about them. A discontented spirit is a complaining spirit. A prideful spirit is a complaining spirit. Don’t complain. Period. 

3. Do not make comments. Little comments. In-passing comments. Sarcastic comments. Guilt and shaming comments. Make-you-feel-really-bad comments. Under your breath comments. “Just sayin'” comments to “subtly” get your point across, blow off some steam, or indirectly vent your frustration. Don’t make comments with your body language either. It’s amazing how one can make a comment without even saying a word. Eye rolling, shoulder shrugging, a heavy sigh. What are your comments? Make a list.

4. Do not control. Do not try to make your point, get your way, make something happen, or do whatever you can to stop something from happening.* Think about any of the things that you try to do in order to make your point or get your way. Things like putting up a wall. Being unapproachable, indisposed, or distant. Using the silent treatment. Hiding or sulking in the other room. Stomping. Slamming doors. Banging plates. You get the general idea.

5. Do not criticize.  Do not put your spouse down with accusations.  “You are never satisfied”; “You always find something to be upset about”; and “No one likes you because you are so negative.” Do you have a sharp or negative tone? You may think you aren’t being critical, but it could be the way you are communicating your point. Speak with gentleness. 

At the root of many of these bad habits what we are seeking to combat is pride. Pride is subtle but very destructive and divisive. It is the arch enemy of love. We all struggle with it to one extent or another. It is a universal sin. So being aware of the danger of pride in your own heart, daily be QUICK to hear and SLOW to speak.

Close in prayer asking the Lord to help you hear what you are communicating to your spouse with your words and deeds. Ask the Lord to help you grow in love.

*We encourage those in abusive situations to seek help to stop the abuse.

from Dos And Don’ts: A One-Week Plan To Help Your Marriage