Category: 1st Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Strengths Based Marriage – Day 4

For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:22-30(NLT)

After forty-three years of marriage and having counseled thousands of couples, it has become very clear that we can look to the Bible to understand the basic needs of men and women.

As an example, aside from the basic need for love, the number one need of men is respect. This can be seen in Ephesians 5:22–24, where it says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (NASB).

This does not give men the right to dominate but rather empowers women to love their husbands through sacrificial honor. Therefore, the deepest wound a man can experience is disrespect or dishonor. When a wife praises her husband, she is not only meeting his primary need as a man, she is also healing the wounds of his past.

Besides love, the primary need of women is security. Ephesians 5 goes on to say in verses 28–30, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.”

Little girls and women need to know that they are going to be cared for, nurtured, and protected by a selfless, sacrificial man. When a husband creates an atmosphere of security for his wife, he is meeting her primary need as well as healing any wounds she might have from her past of abandonment, lack of nurturing, abuse, and so on.

from Strengths Based Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Strengths Based Marriage – Day 3

‘“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. ‘ Matthew 6:14(NLT)

Forgiveness isn’t just something we do once to put the past behind us. It is something we must do every day—especially for those closest to us, such as our spouses. If we don’t forgive, we hold grudges and keep points. Before long we grow bitter. Bitterness is a justice spirit that won’t go forward until it receives the satisfaction it desires.

The more bitter we become, the more hardhearted we become to our spouses and others. We grow more cynical and cold, sarcastic and mean-spirited. And we fall out of love and wonder why we ever got married in the first place.

One of the most important disciplines in marriage is to never go to bed angry—ever. Not at our spouse or anyone else. Even if others are unwilling to say they are sorry or work things out, we can forgive them. It is a critical discipline to keep us emotionally healthy and to keep our hearts tender toward each other.

Here are some sayings I like concerning forgiveness:

Forgiveness doesn’t make the other person right—it just makes me free.

The inability to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

Unforgiveness damages the vessel that stores it worse than anyone you can spit it on.

Forgiveness is the most self-loving thing we can do.

Is there anyone in your past or your present life you haven’t forgiven?

Are you holding something against your spouse?

Do yourself a favor and forgive. Put your grievances in God’s hands and trust Him to handle them. He will and you can be free to live and love.

from Strengths Based Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Strengths Based Marriage – Day 2

‘Don’t trap yourself by making a rash promise to God and only later counting the cost.’ Proverbs 20:25(NLT)

Inner vows can be very dangerous and cause untold pain in our lives and the lives around us. And almost every person has made them. We make inner vows to comfort ourselves. We don’t do it because we are evil or want to cause pain.

In response to relational problems, abuse, rejection, poverty, failure, loss, or some other painful issue, we say things like this to ourselves like:

I’ll never be poor again.

No man or woman will ever treat me like that.

I’ll never make my children work like this.

I’ll never make my kids go to church every time the doors are opened.

I’ll never let anyone hurt me again.

I’ll never work all the time like my parents.

I’ll never be vulnerable again.. . .

I know you’ve been through hard times before and experienced pain in your past. All of us have. Did you make inner vows? Are there areas of your life where you are unteachable and irrational because of the promises you made yourself?

Is there something your spouse and others try to talk to you about, but you are defensive and won’t receive input? Inner vows are promises of pain for your future. They can even transmit pain for generations. The solution is to acknowledge them, renounce them, and become accountable to change.

It is healing for your marriage when you humbly acknowledge to your spouse that you have been influenced by an inner vow and are breaking it. And because you know you have been unteachable, irrational, and unapproachable in that area, you are asking for accountability and input. Whereas in the past you have snarled at those who tried to approach you, you now can welcome them and not punish them for being honest.

You will find that your life and marriage are much better without inner vows. Renouncing them puts the past in the past where it belongs, and it allows you to walk into the future without carrying pain with you.

from Strengths Based Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Strengths Based Marriage – Day 1

‘There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us.’ 1 Corinthians 12:4-6(NLT)

Taking a strengths approach to your life and your spouse’s not only calls out the best in your spouse, but also it provides access to the natural endorphins that reward you when you use your strengths. This is important because though your spouse may not reward you initially for an action of kindness or generosity, your endorphins will. And let’s face it: we all need a little encouragement to keep going if results are slow in the beginning.

How do you take personal responsibility for your part in the marriage using your strengths? The answer has three parts:

1. Understand yourself.

2. Understand your spouse.

3. Change your thinking.

It starts with your getting to know who you are from a strengths perspective. First, read your Clifton StrengthsFinder® results and get to know what those top-five strengths really mean for you. [www.gallupstrengthscenter.com] . . .Take your strengths results to your spouse or your friends and show them your paragraph descriptions. Ask them to tell you what they see in you, using the description as a starting point. The more you hear from others about how you use that strength, the more your confidence will build. The revelation that you truly have remarkable ability, and that others see it in you, will become a powerful part of your reality.

Next, take some time to get familiar with your spouse’s strengths. It’s common knowledge that our favorite subject is ourselves, so take your spouse’s results and go through the descriptions together. This activity will provide content for a date-night discussion, and it will deepen your understanding of each other.

When appropriate, have your friends tell you about how they see your spouse’s strengths in action. It will deepen your insight about your spouse. Also, in your conversation with friends, be sure to ask about where they see the joy in an action or behavior that displays the strength in your spouse. Recognizing the joy in your spouse’s strengths will give you meaningful insight into what actions provide rewards for your spouse.

Finally, change your thinking. Look at the regular behavior of your spouse through a strengths lens… If you can see your spouse’s actions through a strengths lens, then you can better understand your spouse’s motivations and recognize the corresponding rewards of his or her actions.

from Strengths Based Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Remember, Your Outcome Begins in Your Mind-set

‘They are always thinking about how much it costs. “Eat and drink,” they say, but they don’t mean it.’ Proverbs 23:7(NLT)

Ever glance off at a pretty sunset only to feel your car tires jarring along the roadside? Truth is, if we focus exclusively on driving between the yellow lines, we avoid veering. We can apply this principle to our life and marriage as well. 

Napoleon Hill once wrote, “Every man is what he is, because of the dominating thoughts which he permits to occupy his mind.” He’s not alone in his thinking. Thought leaders through­out time agree that our outcome begins in our mind-set. We find what we look for. We become what we think about. Their wisdom suggests that when we focus on fixing our issues, we unwittingly perpetuate our problems. However, when we focus on our desired outcome, aligning our thoughts with God’s pur­pose, we reap the benefits of living His design for our marriage. 

As a couple, what do you tend to talk about? Where do your thoughts most naturally gravitate? 

If you want to live a higher way of living—God’s way of liv­ing—in your marriage, create new habits of thinking. Instead of thinking and talking about your obstacles, consider God’s pur­pose. Instead of focusing on the problems in your relationship, consider what you both agree on and desire as an end result. Instead of pondering what you want to change about your spouse, consider how your differences make you stronger. Envision your desired outcome and welcome God’s perfect plan for your mar­riage, knowing your outcome begins in your mind-set.

  • Answer the following questions together: What is our desired outcome in our marriage? How is God calling us to shift our mind-set? What is His vision for us as a couple? How will we align our thinking with God’s to better celebrate each other and welcome His design for our marriage? 
  • Each day, make a conscious effort to focus your thoughts, energy, and prayers specifically on your desired outcome—especially when you’re tempted to think otherwise.
  • Pray together daily, asking God to help you look past the obstacles and instead see His vision for your marriage.

Father, empower us to see Your vision instead of our obstacles. We want to celebrate Your unique purpose for our marriage and see the beauty in our individual design.

from Married For A Purpose—Devotions For Couples

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1st Marriage ZZ

Demonstrate God’s Unconditional Love

‘But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. ‘ Romans 5:8(NLT)

Neither of us lived a squeaky-clean life. Even after our con­version, we made huge blunders. One time, in the midst of a really dark season, God showed up in a bar and lovingly impressed on me this single thought: There’s nowhere you can run that my grace won’t find you. Wow. Talk about uncondi­tional love. God didn’t condemn or pay back what I deserved. He demonstrated forgiveness and stirred repentance through His unending grace and unconditional love. 

When you think of unconditional love, what comes to mind? Do you immediately envision someone who loved and served you selflessly? Better yet, how has God revealed His absolute, unrestricted, and unmerited love toward you? 

For years, we’ve centered on this central truth: God’s love is more tender than a mother’s, more faithful than a brother’s, and more intimate than a lover’s. Jesus overlooked all of our indifference and pride, and willingly offered up His life. He nailed the weight of our sin to its final death on the cross. 

Yet understanding and receiving God’s love commissions us to reciprocate and extend His love. Jesus told the disciples, “A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another” (John 13:34). So how did Jesus demonstrate God’s love, leaving a model for us to follow? And how can we best model and demonstrate His love to each other in our marriage relationship?

  • Talk about Romans 5:8. Share how God has lavished you with His love, even when undeserved, and discuss any other thoughts or people that come to mind when you think about unconditional love. 
  • Take time individually to write down the ways you’ll demonstrate unconditional love to each other (and to the other members of your household). How will you live as an example of His unconditional love to each other? 
  • When you see your spouse demonstrating God’s unconditional love, say something to let them know how much their love means to you.

Father, at times it’s hard to give love unconditionally because of our own needs and desires. Remind us to remain silent when we want to retaliate, to serve instead of always expecting to be served, and to love—even when it isn’t convenient or doesn’t feel warranted. Empower us to love each other as You love us.

from Married For A Purpose—Devotions For Couples

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1st Marriage ZZ

Bring God Pleasure

‘For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.’ Romans 11:36(NLT)

Several years ago, our middle child struggled between two decisions. She vacillated and wondered in which activities she should participate. Heavy-hearted and shoulders slumped, she asked, “Which do you want me to do, cheerleading or dance?” Without hesitation, we responded, “Which would you enjoy the most?” 

As you take steps toward living God’s purpose for your marriage, we encourage you to ask yourself the same question. Don’t overcomplicate your marriage purpose. When we align our passions with our service to God, it brings Him pleasure. Just as we desire our children to fully enjoy life, God desires for us to enjoy life to its fullest. Our joint passions combined with our spouse’s reveals His design and purpose for us as a couple. We bring Him pleasure when we use our gifts, talents, and passions to honor Him. 

Eric Liddell, a famous Scottish athlete, understood this truth. In the movie Chariots of Fire, he was quoted as saying, “I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast! And when I run I feel His pleasure.” 

Simplify your thoughts and center them on this central truth: God created you and your spouse to bring Him pleasure together. When you submit your gifts, talents, and passions back to Him for His use, you bring Him pleasure.

  • Make a list of the things you love to do (each spouse should make his or her own list). Compare lists. What activities, interests, or passions do you have in common? What do you enjoy doing together? 
  • Make a list of the gifts and talents you recognize in your spouse. Share what you wrote with the other. Use statements like “I love how you _____ because that’s a weakness of mine” or “You are so amazing at _____ .” 
  • Consider how you can combine your gifts to bring God pleasure in and through your marriage, and then pray together, asking God how you can use your gifts to bring Him pleasure.

Father, we want our marriage to bring You pleasure. Cause us to live our life for You by simply being who You already created us to be. Inspire us to recognize each other’s gifts and talents and to encourage each other in them. We desire to honor each other and bring You pleasure in the process.

from Married For A Purpose—Devotions For Couples

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1st Marriage ZZ

Make God Known

‘“You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.’ Matthew 5:14-16(NLT)

As a couple, the highest compliment we experience occurs when our children say “We see Jesus in you” or “I feel His love when I’m with you.” Wow. What a feeling. 

As a spouse (or parent), one of the best ways to cultivate new habits of thinking so we experience a higher way of liv­ing is by daily asking “How can we make God known (most naturally) in our home?” After all, the greatest opportunity to make God known begins within our family relationships. 

True, God calls us to make Him known through our random acts of kindness, by extending encouragement or benevolence to outsiders, or even by offering gentle responses to people we encounter day to day. But those same habits of extending God’s love should first be extended to each other. We welcome a higher way of living for our marriage when we daily purpose to make God known in our words and actions to each other in the privacy of our own homes. 

Can you imagine how much our relationships would thrive if we as a couple determined one way each day to concentrate on making Him known within the four walls of our home? Can you imagine how much we could impact our culture and future generations if every morning before our feet hit the floor we invited God to reveal one way we could make Him known to our spouse and to our children?

  • Discuss how Matthew 5:14–16 applies to you as a couple.
  • Discuss a few ways you can add value to each other and to your children this week. Then do it!
  • When you wake up each morning this week, say a short prayer, asking the Lord how He wants you to make God known through your words and actions to each other and your children.

Father, remind us to make You known in the way we respond, in the actions we take, and in the way we treat each other. We want to live full-on into Your purpose, in a way that pleases You both practically and spiritually.

from Married For A Purpose—Devotions For Couples

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1st Marriage ZZ

Concentrate Your Attention on God’s Intention

‘For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.’ Ephesians 2:10(NLT)

Ever get tired of to-do lists? If so, you’ll love this simple truth: God’s purpose for your marriage isn’t another thing you need to do; it’s a celebration of who you are. God created every one of us on purpose and for a purpose, and the same holds true for our marriages. But in order for us to live God’s purpose, we need to create godly habits that foster life and welcome His purpose into our everyday living. 

Part of welcoming God’s purpose means that we stop focusing on our problems and concentrate our attention on God’s intention. We experience a higher way of living when we choose to look past our hardships and instead look for­ward and upward to live God’s design, a practice George Washington Carver embraced. 

George Washington Carver, a man born into slavery, certainly faced a lot of hardships. But he didn’t allow those hardships to stop him from using his gifts as a botanist and inventor. Instead, Carver went into his private time of study and lifting a peanut toward heaven, prayed, “Lord, we have so many of these. Help me discover the purpose for this peanut.” 

And guess what? God did. 

God revealed three hundred purposes for the peanut. Wow. Think about it. If God can reveal three hundred purposes for something as seemingly insignificant as a peanut, surely He holds a purpose for your marriage.

  • Read Ephesians 2:10 together. 
  • Discuss how it applies to you as a couple. Ask each other “What do we care about? Who do we care about? How can we use our gifts and talents together for God’s purpose?”
  • Pray and ask God to reveal His purpose for your marriage. 

Father, reveal Your purpose for our marriage. Show us how we can serve You and each other, right where we are, every day.

from Married For A Purpose—Devotions For Couples

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1st Marriage ZZ

STILL CAN’T SLEEP IN SAME BED WITH FORMERLY UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE

‘They offer superficial treatments for my people’s mortal wound. They give assurances of peace when there is no peace.’ Jeremiah 6:14(NLT)

The process of forgiving an unfaithful spouse can be long and complicated. This difficulty of recovering intimacy and closeness can continue long after the affair has ended and the pair have begun working on reconciliation. Sometimes a betrayed spouse who has mentally put the incident behind themselves and verbally expressed forgiveness still finds it impossible to sleep in the same bed with their mate. This only adds to his or her confusion and causes them to doubt their own sincerity and goodwill.

If you find yourself in this dilemma, there are several things you need to keep in mind. First, infidelity is not just a minor scratch on the surface of a marriage. It’s a deep and painful breach of trust that goes straight to the heart of the marital relationship. You can’t make the hurt go away overnight simply by saying “I forgive you.” So don’t make light of the situation.

Don’t fall into the error of the false prophets and priests who thought they could heal Israel’s wounds “slightly” simply by saying, “Peace, peace!” The sins of Judah were many and dire, and Jeremiah knew that it would not be easy to reverse the negative effects of their fallout. On the contrary, real healing would require lots of time and space and involved a therapeutic process that could reasonably be described as a kind of death and resurrection.

Second, it would be helpful to educate yourself more thoroughly about the true meaning of forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness is an absolute necessity in a case like this, but forgiving doesn’t mean putting yourself in a position where you can easily be hurt again. The affair may have ended, but you and your spouse still have a long way to go before you can begin to get back to anything approximating “situation normal.” Under the circumstances, your feelings of uneasiness are completely understandable.

Third, bear in mind that forgiveness is an emotion as well as a choice. You may have made a rational decision to forgive your husband, but it will probably take a while for your heart to catch up with your head in this regard. Feelings have to mend at their own pace. You can’t force this to happen. This is especially true in cases of deep and serious hurt, and it’s truest of all where sex is concerned. Sexuality and intimacy are all about vulnerability, and you can’t make yourself vulnerable until you’re convinced that it’s safe to do so.

Meanwhile, if your spouse is truly sorry about past behavior, he or she will have no trouble understanding why you’re struggling with your feelings about marital intimacy. A person who is genuinely repentant is also humble and meek. He doesn’t make demands or blame someone else for the pain and awkwardness he’s caused by his own poor choices. Instead, he asks, “How can I make you more comfortable?” He is sincerely willing to do whatever it takes to put the relationship back on a good footing.

On the other side of the coin, it might a good idea to search your own heart and make sure that you aren’t refusing to come back to bed out of an unconscious desire to punish your spouse. You need to realize that no amount of “hurting him back” can ever remove the scar his infidelity has left upon your marriage. The only real solution is to find some way to get beyond the pain and start over again. These are the kinds of questions you’ll want to hash out at length with a trained marriage therapist.

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Obstacles to Recovery