Category: 1st Marriage

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.’ Proverbs 5:18(NLT)

‘And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.’ Ecclesiastes 3:13(NLT)

‘A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.’ Proverbs 17:22(NLT)

‘Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.’ Colossians 3:18-19(NLT)

It seems like at one time or another every couple gets “stuck” in their marriage. Let me share with you the patterns that I see. Things are going well and the couple gets a little complacent. They quit being as purposeful with each other and just coast for a while.  It’s not usually an intentional decision. It just happens. Those days turn into weeks and then months, and for some couples even years. The spark that once was there in their marriage is missing. They have gone from a vibrant marriage to just existing together.  For some, it is evident because they fight a lot more than usual. Others just go about their lives with little, if any, connection. They focus on work or kids or something else.  Some of the needs that used to be met in their marriage begin getting met elsewhere, so their times of connection are even less. 

One of the questions that I usually ask couples when they come to see me for marriage counseling is, “When is the last time you had fun together?” I cannot even count the number of times that the only answer I get from them is blank stares. What if I asked you that question? How would you answer? Many couples enter marriage saying one of their reasons for marrying is because they have so much fun together. A few years later, far too many find themselves unable to remember the last time they had fun.  

Having fun together is a big part of marriage. How “fun” is defined can vary from one couple to another. There is no right or wrong way to have fun. It is laughing together, doing things that you both enjoy, setting the cares of life aside for a moment to just enjoy being with each other. For many of us, those times came so easily when we were dating that we took for granted that they would continue. For a few couples that may be true but most of us have to continue to build those times of fun into our marriages.  

If you are reading this and thinking “we are stuck,” or “we are heading in that direction,” it’s time to put the fun back into your marriage. It may take some effort but the results will grow you closer to each other and will give you another reason to be thankful for the marriage God has given you.

Today’s Challenge: 

1. What does having fun together with your spouse mean to you?

2. Have you let the fun slip out of your marriage? _______ Yes _______ No

   How did that happen?

3. What are some of the things you did as a couple for fun earlier in your relationship?

4. List three fun things you would like to do with your spouse now.

Going Deeper:

Dr. Kim stresses not letting issues or problems creep into a “fun” date. Are you willing to set them aside and truly just have fun together? What is your first step to putting fun back in your marriage?

from Romance

‘This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.’ Psalms 118:24(NLT)

‘So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. ‘ Ephesians 5:15-16(NLT)

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:2-3(NLT)

There are so many ways that technology keeps me connected. I can literally sit at my desk all day long and connect with people all around the world. With ZOOM, I can be face to face with people and offer counseling to them. I can encourage people and connect with them through every type of social media. I can keep up with and lead our team at Awesome Marriage. Technology today allows me to do things that people only dreamed about in the past and I love what it does.

Then there is this person that sleeps next to me and is there every morning when I wake up and there every evening when I get home. I eat many of my meals with her and run errands with her. Counting the hours we sleep side by side, I spend many more hours with her than anyone else in the world but if I am not careful, I can be more connected to them than to her.

Just because I log a whole lot of hours with Nancy does not mean we are connected.  Sitting side by side, sleeping side by side and eating side by side does not connect us. What connects us is being present with each other during those times. Being present means that my focus is on her. It means when she is talking that I am listening. It means that even in sleep we are connected because we did not go bed with something unsettled between us. It is being very purposeful about our time together. It means that even in silence as we watch a movie or TV show, there is still connection because we choose to do it together. 

Look at it this way. Every stage of marriage brings change but it also brings new opportunities to be connected. The key is to embrace those opportunities and make the most of every single one.

Today’s Challenge: 

1. Dr. Kim talks about the different stages a marriage goes through. Which stage are you in today? How is it different from past stages?

2. What are some of the challenges you face as a couple today?

3. What does “being intentional” about your marriage mean to you?

Going Deeper:

Most couples spend less than five minutes a day really connecting. How much quality time do you spend together as a couple each day? How do you spend your quality time together? What step can you take today to be more connected with each other?

from Romance

‘Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil. ‘ Ecclesiastes 9:9(NLT)

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. ‘ Galatians 5:13(NLT)

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.’ 1 Corinthians 7:3-4(NLT)

Have you ever gone into a greeting card store or walked down the greeting card aisle in a supermarket or pharmacy on Valentine’s Day or the day before? My guess is that what I observe on those days is replicated over and over in city after city. The aisle is crammed with men who all have this panicked look on their faces. It is like the entire male species is trying to figure out how to be romantic during crunch time. I think most of them succeed in one way or another but the stress can be overwhelming. It’s also very interesting that the “greeting card” thing does not seem to apply to women.  Somehow they are not in a panic. Probably because they bought their card weeks earlier.  

This is my take away, if we try to package romance into one day a year, we are missing the point. In marriage, romance needs to be a lifestyle. 

Let’s look at it this way. If I want my relationship with Christ to grow, what do I need to do? For me, it’s spending intentional time with Him and living my life in a way that honors Him, putting Him first in everything. When I do that day after day, my relationship with Him is better and I feel closer and more connected to Him. What if I put that same effort into my marriage? If I set aside quality time each day with my wife and live my live each day in a way that honors her and if I put her second only to God in everything, won’t that make a difference? I think we complicate the whole romance thing. Are flowers and candy and nice dinners romantic? Sure, but being intentional with each other in your marriage is also romantic and can actually add a depth to your marriage that was not there before.

Try doing these three things every day for a week. See if it does not make a difference:

• Ask your spouse every day if there is something you can do for them.
• Set aside ten minutes every day to talk and listen to each other.
• Tell someone else something good about your spouse.

Today’s Challenge: 

1. Do you think romance should be better in marriage than when you were dating? Why or why not?

2. If you were to give your spouse “hints” about romance, what would some of those be?

3. In “doing life” together, what gets in the way of romance for you as a couple?

4. Are there things you thought were romantic earlier in your marriage that do not have as much impact today? List those here.

Going Deeper:

Finish this sentence: If my spouse only did one romantic thing for me, I would want it to be___________ .

from Romance

‘Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. ‘ 1 Peter 4:8(NLT)

‘let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:9(NLT)

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. ‘ Ecclesiastes 4:9(NLT)

When you think of “romance” what comes to your mind? For me, it’s the times when it is just the two of us. We had our first date when Nancy was a freshman in college.  Over the next two years, our relationship grew to the point of marriage and much of our connection was built on romance. Honestly, it was easy then. I was pursuing her and she wanted me to pursue. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other and having fun. Many of our dates were having lunch, dinner, or ice cream. Was every date romantic? Probably not. But most of them were in one way or another. I think we fell into the trap of taking the romance for granted. In college, there were very few distractions. It was easy to connect and spend time together.  

A few months into marriage, we realized something was missing. The romance was there but we had to be much more intentional about carving out time for each other.  There were distractions. I was working and starting a career and learning how to be a husband. Nancy was finishing school and learning how to be a wife. We had more and more things pulling at our time and neither one of us was very good at saying no to them. The really difficult thing for us was that the things we were saying yes to, that were taking time away from each other, were not bad things. In fact, most of them were really good things. It took us time to understand that every time we said “yes” to something else, we were in effect saying “no” to time with each other and that was killing the romance. We had to turn things around and say “no” to many of the other things and “yes” to each other.

What about you and your marriage? Where is the romance today? If it is good, keep up what you are doing. If it needs some work, why not make the commitment to work on it together? It may be as simple as doing the things you did at the beginning when you fell in love. It may be you were like us and just let life squeeze the romance out of your marriage. God gave us romance for a reason. It enhances our relationship. It is part of His gift to us in marriage. Don’t put off making it a priority. You can begin redefining romance in your marriage today!

Today’s Challenge: 

1. In the area of romance, what was meaningful for you in the past?

2. Think of three things that you thought were romantic before marriage. Would you like any of these in your marriage today?

3. Write down three things that you as a couple could do on a date. Then compare your lists and plan your next date.

4. How much time are you willing to spend putting romance back into your marriage?

Going Deeper:

Think of three things you could do this week to show your spouse how much you love him/her.

from Romance