Category: 1st Marriage

‘Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him. ‘ Ephesians 5:3-6(NLT)

Before high school there is junior-high. Inevitably, your son and his friends will learn the kind of humor that seems to uniquely rattle the funny bone of junior high boys. The home you raised your son in may have been untarnished from the rude and crude bathroom humor so common to adolescents, but it has a way of finding your boy. So don’t be surprised when farting, belching, spitting, and anything related to bodily functions becomes the height of comedy to your boy. Our culture doesn’t do much to inhibit this brand of humor. Actually, our society seems to work overtime to ensure that it is a permanent part of every man’s adult life. Many of the comedy movies that do so well at the box office seem aimed at seventh-grade boys. And yet these movies and their jokes will attract and appeal to the baser part of people from almost every demographic. 

While it may be impossible to imagine a junior-high boy who isn’t going to laugh at someone passing gas in his classroom, I do believe we have a responsibility as parents, especially as Christian parents, not to prolong or feed this natural appetite for immature bathroom humor. I would suggest there is a whole genre of comedies that just aren’t worth him or you seeing. Ever. There will be enough taking place in their own junior-high universe that provokes that sort of laughter. I certainly don’t need script writers and foley artists to add to their hunger for base humor. When at home and some inevitable situation along these lines prompts a laugh from the whole family, I’d recommend saying, as I did, “That was our quota for the week.” As with certain words or topics of discussion, I would often on the spot make up a quota for that subject. “That’s a once a month word,” or “That is enough on that topic for two weeks.”

Profanity or vulgarity should never be allowed, but in the course of everyday life there will be unavoidable issues, descriptions, or comments that arise, which you’d hate to see become normal fare for your boy. An assortment of indelicate topics will surely make their peers roar with laughter, egging them on for more, but as parents we ought to raise the bar of civility and decorum even during their junior high and high school years.

In every situation, let us remain mindful of what is never appropriate for the people of God:

But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. (Eph. 5:3–6)

We should never be willing to laugh, nor allow our children laugh, at the things that will bring judgment to the lost people of this world.

from Raising Men Not Boys

‘“Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come.” ‘ 1 Timothy 4:8(NLT)

‘The wise are mightier than the strong, and those with knowledge grow stronger and stronger.’ Proverbs 24:5(NLT)

Make him sweat every day. Literally. My wife and I made it our goal to try and see those little beads of sweat on the foreheads of our boys. If it was six o’clock and we hadn’t yet seen that familiar mix of dirt and sweat running down the temples of their little boy faces, we’d take them outside to run around, throw the football, climb a tree, or whatever it took for them to experience that tuckered-out feeling we discovered every boy needs. Everything went better in our home—at dinner, at homework time, at bedtime, at just about every other time— when our boys played outside long enough that day to work up a sweat.

When they were toddlers, it seemed my wife was making up games, tasks, and all kinds of creative challenges to get them to physically expend the pent-up energy that God had implanted in their little bodies. In our electronic age, when most parents are quick to turn on a movie to occupy their boys or hand them a screen to engage their minds, we must work all the harder to purpose each day to get our boys outside to a park, a playground, or a jungle gym. We have to plan to get their bodies moving more often and for longer periods of time.

from Raising Men Not Boys

‘The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord .’ Proverbs 18:22(NLT)

‘A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones.’ Proverbs 12:4(NLT)

‘Fathers can give their sons an inheritance of houses and wealth, but only the Lord can give an understanding wife.’ Proverbs 19:14(NLT)

At some point your sons may wonder if marriage is worth it, or even if you care about your spouse (their mom or dad). Here’s why. In 1960, 84 percent of working-class Americans were married. Today you can invert those numbers—only 48 percent of working-class Americans are married.1 The number of children born to unwed mothers has gone from 4 percent in 1940 to 40 percent today2—despite the advent of several birth control methods. Not to mention that our culture no longer considers divorce the serious breach of a solemn vow as it once did.

Marriage is under attack, but you and your spouse can launch a counterattack before your children and others as well. Speak well of marriage whenever possible, and live as though it is the sacred and prioritized relationship God intended it to be. Speak highly of your spouse—and your love for her (or him) before your children. Be done with the “ball and chain” jokes before coworkers and neighbors, and rid your conversation of any demeaning lines about your spouse that can always get a laugh.

Most importantly, hold marriage in the highest regard, praying daily not only for the strength and health of your own marriage, but also for the marriages of your friends, the marriages at your church, and for your boys’ future marriages.

from Raising Men Not Boys

‘For I was born a sinner— yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.’ Psalms 51:5(NLT)

‘Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is wasted. Unless the Lord protects a city, guarding it with sentries will do no good. It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones. Children are a gift from the Lord ; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.’ Psalms 127:1-5(NLT)

The very first couple received a foundational calling in the familiar words “Be fruitful and multiply” (Gen. 1:28), and repeated various times. With the laudable (and rare) exception of forsaking marriage and family for the sake of kingdom advancement, in the spirit of Jesus Christ Himself (Matt. 19:12), raising children to produce the next generational society is to be the norm. Unless you are a confirmed “kingdom single,” the biblical expectation is the covenant of marriage and the subsequent engagement in raising children for the fulfillment of God’s global plan and for Christ’s eternal glory. The big perspective then is that your little boy was not entrusted to you to bring you joy, fulfill you, or make you happy—though I pray he will. His temporary consignment to your family is to prepare him to take his place in this world as a trophy of God’s grace and as an agent of God’s values and priorities in this upcoming generation.

The Scriptures tell us children are the glory of their parents (Prov. 17:6). A simple yet profound readjustment of our parenting mindset makes analogies like the one found in Psalm 127 come to life. God illustrates the role of a mom and dad like this: “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” (Ps. 127:3–5a). 

It is considered a blessing in God’s economy to be a spiritual archer in your generation, having a case over your shoulder filled with young children that you are aiming and launching into the next generation! What a vivid and rare perspective on being a parent. Your boy is for a time in your home, under your care, and in proximity of your influence to be thoughtfully pointed, and launched, and propelled into the future to make a strategic impact for the Lord’s good purposes.

Can you see how this perspective can transform your perspective from the very beginning? So many modern parents’ voices begin to quiver when they imagine their little boy growing up. They lament the thought of him one day moving out and moving on. They see his forthcoming maturity as some kind of foreboding eventuality, instead of as the whole point of having him in the first place: the gratifying goal of shooting these arrows into the world that God has planned for them to impact.

So, from the beginning get this truth in your heart and mind. That squirmy little infant you bring home from the hospital is, in a short number of years, intended by God’s design to step into His world as a young man who will make a difference for Christ. Your job is to release him to this reality. Your goal cannot be to “hang on to him as long as possible.” Your hope must be to see him become that independent, mature, functioning adult. God has made this arrangement very clear.

from Raising Men Not Boys

‘For I was born a sinner— yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.’ Psalms 51:5(NLT)

‘When Adam sinned, sin entered the world. Adam’s sin brought death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned. Yes, people sinned even before the law was given. But it was not counted as sin because there was not yet any law to break. Still, everyone died—from the time of Adam to the time of Moses—even those who did not disobey an explicit commandment of God, as Adam did. Now Adam is a symbol, a representation of Christ, who was yet to come. But there is a great difference between Adam’s sin and God’s gracious gift. For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through this other man, Jesus Christ. And the result of God’s gracious gift is very different from the result of that one man’s sin. For Adam’s sin led to condemnation, but God’s free gift leads to our being made right with God, even though we are guilty of many sins. For the sin of this one man, Adam, caused death to rule over many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of righteousness, for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and death through this one man, Jesus Christ. Yes, Adam’s one sin brings condemnation for everyone, but Christ’s one act of righteousness brings a right relationship with God and new life for everyone. Because one person disobeyed God, many became sinners. But because one other person obeyed God, many will be made righteous. God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant. So just as sin ruled over all people and brought them to death, now God’s wonderful grace rules instead, giving us right standing with God and resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.’ Romans 5:12-21(NLT)

‘Dear brothers and sisters, the longing of my heart and my prayer to God is for the people of Israel to be saved. ‘ Romans 10:1(NLT)

It must be kept in mind that no matter how cute and adorable a newborn boy might be, he enters our world with a serious and far-reaching problem. Contrary to what many assume, human beings are not born into the world as blank slates or morally neutral beings. We are all “conceived in sin” (Ps. 51:5), as descendants of fallen ancestors (Gen. 3:20), sharing the same sinful nature as the rest of fallen humanity (Rom. 5:12–21).

The residual effects of our first parents’ rebellion against God are present in every child. Consider the biological effects of sin’s impact on our infants in something as common as a viral infection, or as serious as a life-threatening and debilitating birth defect, as was the case in the birth of my daughter. Every person’s vulnerability to the power of death, regardless of age, is convincing evidence that all humans share in the wages of Adam’s disobedience.

Thinking beyond the physical consequences of humanity’s fundamental problem, consider the far more serious manifestations, namely the propensity to continue the pattern of sin and rebellion against God’s righteous laws. Our boys don’t enter the world with a bent to do what is righteous (as charming as they may at times be to their mothers and grandmothers); they are predisposed to do what the Bible defines as sin. They fall short of God’s glorious standards and exist as young fallen humans, relationally alienated from the life of God. In other words, our boys need to be reconciled to their Maker, they need to be redeemed by Christ’s death on their behalf, and they need to be declared righteous by the regenerating work of the Holy Spirit.

This life-changing conversion of sinners should be the ardent hope and prayer of every Christian parent. We should want more than anything for our sons to come to a place of rightly understanding their need for the gospel of Jesus Christ. We ought to be praying that they will experience a profound sense of conviction over their own sins, and see the incomparable value of Christ’s suffering on their behalf. None of this is possible without the work of God’s Spirit in their lives. I trust we can say with the apostle Paul, “My heart’s desire and prayer to God for them is that they may be saved” (Rom. 10:1).

from Raising Men Not Boys