Category: 1st Marriage

‘O Lord , you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord . You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! O God, if only you would destroy the wicked! Get out of my life, you murderers! They blaspheme you; your enemies misuse your name. O Lord , shouldn’t I hate those who hate you? Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you? Yes, I hate them with total hatred, for your enemies are my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.’ Psalms 139:1-24(NLT)

‘Instead, let us test and examine our ways. Let us turn back to the Lord . Let us lift our hearts and hands to God in heaven and say, “We have sinned and rebelled, and you have not forgiven us. “You have engulfed us with your anger, chased us down, and slaughtered us without mercy. You have hidden yourself in a cloud so our prayers cannot reach you. You have discarded us as refuse and garbage among the nations. “All our enemies have spoken out against us. We are filled with fear, for we are trapped, devastated, and ruined.” Tears stream from my eyes because of the destruction of my people! My tears flow endlessly; they will not stop until the Lord looks down from heaven and sees. My heart is breaking over the fate of all the women of Jerusalem. My enemies, whom I have never harmed, hunted me down like a bird. They threw me into a pit and dropped stones on me. The water rose over my head, and I cried out, “This is the end!” But I called on your name, Lord , from deep within the pit. You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading! Hear my cry for help!” Yes, you came when I called; you told me, “Do not fear.”’ Lamentations 3:40-57(NLT)

‘Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you ; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith. As you test yourselves, I hope you will recognize that we have not failed the test of apostolic authority. We pray to God that you will not do what is wrong by refusing our correction. I hope we won’t need to demonstrate our authority when we arrive. Do the right thing before we come—even if that makes it look like we have failed to demonstrate our authority. For we cannot oppose the truth, but must always stand for the truth. We are glad to seem weak if it helps show that you are actually strong. We pray that you will become mature. I am writing this to you before I come, hoping that I won’t need to deal severely with you when I do come. For I want to use the authority the Lord has given me to strengthen you, not to tear you down.’ 2 Corinthians 13:5-10(NLT)

Scripture: Psalm 139; Lamentations 3:40–57; 2 Corinthians 13:5–10

As Christians, we are called to deny ourselves, not to be ignorant of ourselves. In fact, becoming more self-aware is an important step in living more vulnerably with our spouse. We also find an inextricable connection between knowing oneself and knowing God. Much of seeing God’s bigness depends on seeing our own smallness. Understanding God’s holiness hinges on grasping and grappling with our own sinfulness. Accurately perceiving God’s limitlessness brings our own limits sharply into focus. 

We echo Augustine’s prayer, “Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee,” because without knowing our true nature we cannot know God’s. 

The difference between God’s call to self-knowledge and the world’s is a matter of motivation, or centrality. The world’s call to self-knowledge is self-centered, whereas the biblical call to self-knowledge is Christ-centered. 

Self-knowledge that leads to pride and self-worship is self-centered. Self-knowledge that leads to humbleness and God-worship is Christ-centered. 

You and I exist as characters in God’s redemptive story, where Christ is the center. Self-knowledge in light of the gospel equips us to play our non-leading roles in God’s story more faithfully, because knowing who we truly are always leads us to the foot of the cross. 

Biblical authors also model introspection as a way of aligning our hearts with God’s. Looking inward, David cried out to God, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23–24). 

The lamenter writes, “Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord!” (Lamentations 3:40). In Paul’s final words to the Corinthian church, he warns them in no uncertain terms: “Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!” (2 Corinthians 13:5). 

The Bible calls believers to consistent, healthy, and Christ-centered introspection for our good and for God’s glory. As we get to know ourselves as a means of being made holy, serving each other, and knowing God more faithfully, our marriages grow stronger, more transparent, and more loving.

Spend time in prayer, speaking out loud Psalm 139:23–24.

from See-Through Marriage by Ryan and Selena Frederick

‘“Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?” The man replied, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.” Then the Lord God asked the woman, “What have you done?” “The serpent deceived me,” she replied. “That’s why I ate it.”’ Genesis 3:11-13(NLT)

‘“Our father is Abraham!” they declared. “No,” Jesus replied, “for if you were really the children of Abraham, you would follow his example.#8:39 Some manuscripts read if you are really the children of Abraham, follow his example. Instead, you are trying to kill me because I told you the truth, which I heard from God. Abraham never did such a thing. No, you are imitating your real father.” They replied, “We aren’t illegitimate children! God himself is our true Father.” Jesus told them, “If God were your Father, you would love me, because I have come to you from God. I am not here on my own, but he sent me. Why can’t you understand what I am saying? It’s because you can’t even hear me! For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. So when I tell the truth, you just naturally don’t believe me! Which of you can truthfully accuse me of sin? And since I am telling you the truth, why don’t you believe me? Anyone who belongs to God listens gladly to the words of God. But you don’t listen because you don’t belong to God.”’ John 8:39-47(NLT)

‘So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses. When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. ‘ Galatians 5:16-24(NLT)

Scripture: Genesis 3:11–13; John 8:39–47; Galatians 5:16–24

Like Adam and Eve, we believe the lies of the enemy—especially when it comes to problems in our marriage. But the more we feel forced to hide, the less we’re able to engage deeply with each other in marriage. 

We believe that if our spouse knew what we had done in the past, for instance, or what we viewed online, or what we really believed about God, we wouldn’t be loved or respected. We may also try to justify our behavior based on lies: “He always goes out with his friends and spends money on whatever he wants. I don’t see why I can’t do the same.” “I don’t need to tell her who I’ve been talking to online. It would only cause a fight, and we are finally in a good spot.”

We can try to justify sin, but at the end of the day, God is still walking through the garden, calling out to us, and asking us who has been telling us we are “naked.”

Darkness and sin creep in slowly. They make us question everything, forcing our gaze horizontally—around us and our issues—rather than vertically, toward our Savior. 

The small, seemingly harmless, choices we make in our marriage begin coming from a place of selfishness and entitlement. They cause division, and they erode our marriage covenant. 

A life that is hiding in sin—ungoverned and without restraint—will bear fruit such as secret thoughts; division; disengagement; distraction; self-centeredness; selfishness about time, money, and energy; being overly concerned with appearances; no real sense of peace, because peace is based on relationships and things rather than God; impatience; impurity; using harsh language, employing gossip, and slandering others.

When we are walking in the light and we are living openly and transparently with our spouse while hidden in Christ, the motivation becomes less about our own needs and desires and more about our spouse’s needs and desires. 

A life hidden in Christ bears life-giving fruit from the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (See Galatians 5:22–23).

Jesus came to give us freedom from our fleshly desires so that we can walk and live by the Spirit, which in turn produces fruit that yields life and brings glory to God. 

What fruit, good or bad, do you see in your marriage right now? 

from See-Through Marriage by Ryan and Selena Frederick

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.’ Genesis 2:18-25(NLT)

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

Scripture: Genesis 2:18–25; Ephesians 4:32

In marriage there are at least two ways we feel alone. The first is being emotionally disconnected (i.e., you feel more like roommates than husband and wife). The second is struggling on your own with sin, shame, fear, or anxiety. 

Either we can include our spouse in our struggles by sharing how we are feeling alone, or we can resist sharing about our struggles because: 

a)  we haven’t come to the point yet of admitting that we need help, or 

b)  we’re afraid of the devastation our honesty is going to bring. 

So, what do we do? 

Our fallen nature would have us hide, isolate ourselves, and continue indulging in our sin because deep down we believe we can change our behavior or find a way through the struggle on our own and in a way that softens the blow. 

But the worst thing we can do as Christians who are married is to ignore our struggles and bury ourselves in screens, in careers, in parenthood, or in other ways. We may not necessarily be experiencing isolation in those areas, but if we run to them when we feel vulnerable, then they are at the very least signposts along the path toward isolation. 

One of the ways the two of us try to be transparent in our marriage is to give each other a heads-up when we would like to set aside time to talk about something. For us, that is code for, “I need to talk openly and honestly about a few things that I have been struggling with, and I need you to prepare your heart and not react emotionally.” This kind of planning helps us express our emotions without letting them dictate the conversation. It also helps us prepare to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

Having honest conversations about things we are struggling with in marriage tends to put couples on the defensive. It doesn’t have to. Talk about what you need to talk about so that each of you has time to prepare your heart. This goes a long way in diffusing your otherwise typical emotional reactions.

What is one hard thing you and your spouse need to talk about? What step could you take to set up that conversation ahead of time? 

from See-Through Marriage by Ryan and Selena Frederick

‘When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.”’ Genesis 3:8-10(NLT)

‘This is what the Lord says: “Don’t let the wise boast in their wisdom, or the powerful boast in their power, or the rich boast in their riches. But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things. I, the Lord , have spoken!’ Jeremiah 9:23-24(NLT)

‘This boasting will do no good, but I must go on. I will reluctantly tell about visions and revelations from the Lord. I was caught up to the third heaven fourteen years ago. Whether I was in my body or out of my body, I don’t know—only God knows. Yes, only God knows whether I was in my body or outside my body. But I do know that I was caught up to paradise and heard things so astounding that they cannot be expressed in words, things no human is allowed to tell. That experience is worth boasting about, but I’m not going to do it. I will boast only about my weaknesses. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it, because I don’t want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message, even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.’ 2 Corinthians 12:1-10(NLT)

Scripture: Genesis 3:8–10; Jeremiah 9:23–24; 2 Corinthians 12:1–10

Imagine a couple who looks like they have the perfect marriage. Here’s a secret: they don’t have it all figured out. Everyone is in need of deeper fellowship, cleansing from unrighteousness, and help with walking in the light. 

Recognizing your own human need for validation is the first step in having an honest life that not only acknowledges but also actually boasts in your weakness so that Christ’s power may be made more vivid. As Paul said: 

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

—2 Corinthians 12:9

If we’re honest, the real struggle is admitting we’re imperfect in a way that truly reveals our deep need for a Savior and for unconditional love.

Yet God is most glorified in us when He shines most brightly through us. We are created for a see-through life, and every sanctifying experience on this side of eternity is meant to root out, work out, and heal our impurities—all so that we may transmit God’s light more brightly and more vividly. 

Our tendency as fallen people is to hide or pretend—we feel safer that way. Just like Adam and Eve in the garden, we feel exposed and ashamed, so we hide (or attempt to hide) from God and others. 

To human eyes, our hiding doesn’t always look obvious. In fact, we live most opaquely not by running away and avoiding others in some blatant act of moral rebellion. Rather, we hide in the open by camouflaging our true selves and posturing in ways we believe will make us more lovable. 

The problem is that hiding has the opposite effect. Instead of feeling more loved, we feel more lost. Instead of feeling more accepted, we feel more alone. That’s because human beings are not wired for hiding. The very act grates against the reality God created for us in the garden—to be naked and unashamed, known and still loved, totally exposed and perfectly protected. 

You were designed to live in vulnerable fellowship with God, your spouse, and others. There is too much good on the other side of transparency to live without it. 

In what ways do you hide from your spouse or others to try to appear more lovable?

from See-Through Marriage by Ryan and Selena Frederick

‘Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray. Are any of you happy? You should sing praises. Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord. Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven. Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. Elijah was as human as we are, and yet when he prayed earnestly that no rain would fall, none fell for three and a half years! Then, when he prayed again, the sky sent down rain and the earth began to yield its crops.
Restore Wandering Believers
My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back from wandering will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins.’ James 5:13-20(NLT)

‘But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:7-9(NLT)

Scripture: James 5:13–20; 1 John 1:7-9

We’d like to ask you to consider something slowly: How transparent are you? Are you truly known by God, your spouse, yourself, and others? 

We live in a time when vulnerability is stylish, but true transparency is exceedingly rare. Yet nothing has taught the two of us more about loving each other in our marriage than learning to live see-through lives. True, unfettered transparency rescues relationships, glorifies God, and multiplies joy. 

Our bold proposition is this: unless we can master the art of being known—we mean utterly and unequivocally revealed as multifaceted individuals—we will be unable to experience the fullness of grace, love, and joy available to us in life, and specifically, in marriage. 

This call goes beyond semi-vulnerability and faux authenticity—the kind where you show just enough of your “mess” to satisfy your Instagram followers or to pass another round of “How are you doing?” in your weekly small group. Christian transparency is radical—ridiculous, even—at least by worldly standards. 

Jesus’s brother James beckoned readers to “confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16, emphasis added). The apostle John wrote, “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another. . . . If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:7, 9, emphasis added). 

These passages and many more like them call us out of the darkness of hiding into the light of being known so that we can be healed, forgiven, and cleansed, and so we can grow and flourish as God’s people. We are called into the open for our greatest good! 

As we’ll explore, hiding might be our default posture in life and marriage, but at every moment we are being called out of the darkness and into the light—and into life itself. The beautiful reality is that Jesus already knows everything about you and yet loves you without reservation. It’s from that place of confidence you and your spouse can be seen by each other and learn to love as you are loved in Christ. 

What would you say is the difference between the false vulnerability we sometimes show on social media or in church groups and true transparency?

from See-Through Marriage by Ryan and Selena Frederick