Category: 1st Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Conflict

‘Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content. But people who long to be rich fall into temptation and are trapped by many foolish and harmful desires that plunge them into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.’ 1 Timothy 6:6-10(NLT)

‘The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.’ Psalms 23:1(NLT)

One of the safety gates we need to put in place is how we handle conflict. Often we seem to handle conflict with our spouse as if we are a parent talking to a child. The moment we do this, it creates a defensive barrier. Talk adult-to-adult. Use “I feel” messages, e.g. “I feel upset when you come home late”. Do not attack or belittle your spouse. 

When we handle conflict correctly, God can use it to grow us and strengthen our marriage as we don’t have to defend our case anymore.

A marriage starts thriving when we consider our spouses needs over our own. Don’t try to get even in your marriage (or any other relationship). Build each other up! Rise above the offence and give your spouse what they need!

We also need to be careful not to live a money-centered life. It is easy to get caught up in the pursuit of wealth and material possessions.   

1 Timothy 6:6-10 warns us that God is to be our focus, not money.  We can easily be influenced by our money-centered society.  

God loves the generous giver, so be careful that you do not turn the principle around by grabbing and holding onto everything you want and only give from the left overs. If this is your focus with finance and possessions, this too could become the state of your relationship; a sense of entitlement, holding onto, grabbing and wanting more and more. Hear the words of Psalm 23 that say, “I shall not want”.  

Our God is a God that gives and marriage is a wonderful place to imitate this principle.

from Safety Gates for Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Attitude

‘They are always thinking about how much it costs. “Eat and drink,” they say, but they don’t mean it.’ Proverbs 23:7(NLT)

In your marriage, the first thing you, as a partner, may need to adjust is your attitude. Start with an honest assessment of yourself. Step back and consider your own attitude before you start trying to change your spouse—then you will be heading in the right direction.  

Athletes can’t win the prize if they don’t follow the rules; so too in marriage, we have to ‘set rules’ and boundaries for growth.

In adjusting our attitude, we need to be honest about how we see ourselves. This has an impact on our marriage. When we struggle with low self-esteem, it is a thinking disorder in that we view ourselves as inadequate or incompetent. Self-esteem is based on a system of pictures and feelings you have put together about yourself, including both mental and emotional pictures and feelings.  

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Prov. 23:7 KJV)

The way you feel and see yourself, is how you will behave and act in your marriage. When you step into a trap of low self-esteem, your spouse will constantly have to convince you that you are loved, accepted and enough. This causes your relationship to be one-sided and the one who is always trying to convince you becomes worn down.

In your marriage you need to instill healthy habits for a healthy marriage; therefore it is important to make decisions together on what would be best for each situation. When your marriage needs healing, work through the conflict together.

Deep issues must be dealt with. Keep working together at it until you have complete victory.

from Safety Gates for Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Thoughts

‘“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! ‘ Deuteronomy 30:19(NLT)

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

‘We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. ‘ 2 Corinthians 10:5(NLT)

In our marriage, the most important principle, or safety gate was to not imitate the ideals and opinions of the culture around us but to be inwardly transformed by the Holy Spirit through a total reformation of how we think. The focus for us was not to transform the way we feel, but the way we think. This empowered us to discern God’s will.

We love to see how Jesus transforms hearts and how couples start to shift in their approach, perspective, and opinion when they build shared values based on the Word of God. Everyone wants to improve their marriage; the problem is that everyone wants instant improvement. Improving your marriage does not happen overnight. Like any other change you want to achieve in life, it takes time, effort and energy to create a marriage you love.

from Safety Gates for Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Relearning Sex-Ed

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:6-9(NLT)

Devotional Content:

One of my favorite things to share with couples as they enter into marriage is their uniqueness. Think about it. You are one of a kind and your spouse is one of a kind.  Together you have a one-of-a-kind marriage. Take that into the sexual relationship and what the two of you have is unique in all the world. No two people will ever come together like the two of you.

That uniqueness makes it so important for each of us to relearn “sex-ed.” Even if you had the very best education about sex in marriage, you were not educated about your spouse. What is exciting for one person may be different for another. What causes deep, close intimacy will be a little or a lot different from one couple to the next. That’s why I have couples begin sharing their sexual expectations before marriage. Yet, in marriage I think it goes deeper than expectations. It is getting to know each other at a deep, intimate level. The Bible in Genesis talks about Adam and Eve, the first man and wife, being “naked and unashamed.” I think that means that they shared with each other what they wanted, felt, liked, didn’t like, and much more. There was no filter because they did not need one. They totally trusted each other and experienced amazing intimacy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  

The best part is that intimacy is there for us just like it was for them. That was and is God’s plan. Let’s look at it this way. The first “sex-ed” course I took was from the world I lived in. It taught me what my culture believed about sex. It was a course I wish I had never enrolled in, but I did. Lots of us did. Today we can enroll in another “sex-ed” course. It is very, very different from the other one and it really, really works because the Professor is amazing. You see, He’s the One who invented sex in the first place!  

Today’s Challenge: 

Where did you first begin to learn about sex and sexuality? Share how that affected your views about sex.

Going Deeper: 

1. Who influenced your “sex education?” Was that positive or negative? Why?

2. How much time have you devoted as a couple to developing your sexual relationship? Has it been a priority?

3. How would you rate your communication about sex in your marriage? (Use a 1–10 scale with 10 being the highest.)

4. Are you willing as a couple to spend time working together to improve your sexual relationship? Will you begin today?

Resource: 

Use mundane moments for Godly purpose in your marriage with our House Prayer Cards.

Prayer is the single BEST thing you can for your marriage. God is the one who can ultimately change your hearts and your marriage for the better, so inviting him in to do those things is the single best thing you can do for your marriage.

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage ZZ

Recognizing your Baggage

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

Devotional Content:

When Nancy and I got married, we had no idea that we were bringing sexual baggage into our new marriage. In fact, we had no idea what “baggage” was all about. As we left for our honeymoon, we checked four bags. Four bags for two people! We overpacked, but those four bags were a good visual of the baggage we brought into marriage concerning sex. Talk about overpacking.  

Neither one of us had received any real counsel on sex in marriage. My sex education came mostly from peers, magazines and other sources that gave me a lot of totally useless information. Nancy’s sex education was similar but focused on the message, “sex is bad, avoid it.” I think we both thought that our sexual relationship in marriage would be great. In many ways it was, but the baggage we brought in presented many challenges that we had to work our way through. We did not expect that part.  

As a counselor, I have counseled many couples and individuals that had sexual baggage to work through. The distance between God’s plan for sex in marriage and what many people have experienced or heard about can be literally as far as the east is from the west! Our culture alone bombards us daily with sex and sexuality. Our life experiences of sex outside of marriage color the way we look at the sexual relationship and the opposite sex. In the case of sexual abuse, God’s plan for sex seems very distant; almost unattainable. We can easily get buried under the sexual baggage that we carry.

The good news is that there is hope. Hope in the reality that we have a God who loves us more than we can ever imagine, whose plan for sex in marriage is an amazing gift available to each of us. He wants that for you, for me and for all of us. Will it take work?  Sure. Will some of us need outside help? Yes. Will it be worth it? Absolutely! 

Today’s Challenge: 

Take time to identify and share about any sexual baggage you brought into marriage.

Going Deeper: 

1. Where did that baggage originate?

2. How has your sexual baggage affected your marriage?

3. What have you learned about your spouse in relation to the sexual relationship?

4. What are your next steps in dealing with your sexual baggage?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage ZZ

Rewriting Your Beliefs

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

‘Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. ‘ Ephesians 5:3(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Most us of give little, if any, thought to how we look at sex and how that affects us as we head into marriage. Whether we realize it or not, we each have a belief system about sex and what it is supposed to be in marriage. Obviously, one of the main influences for each of us is our family of origin. Did your family talk about sex or not? If it did, what was said, and by whom? It it did not, what message did that send to you?  

Today, as we grow from childhood to adulthood we are likely to get mixed messages, which come from a myriad of sources. We hear about “information overload” and that description definitely fits the information we get about sex. Most of the people I talk to can list all the places where they learned about sex but very few include the church! If the church was part of their sex education, it often was taught that “sex is bad, stay away from it.”  

The truth is that sex was created by God. It is a gift to us from Him. As we read in Song of Solomon, sex between a husband and a wife is to be enjoyed. The only boundary God gave was for sex to be reserved for the marriage relationship. Why? Because God created us and knows us far better than we will ever know ourselves. He knows full well the consequences of having sex outside of a marriage relationship. The boundary was for our well being, not to deprive us of something. That’s it. That is God’s plan. It is simple and makes sense. For some reason, man and woman have repeatedly tried to rewrite the “rules” about sex, and look where it has gotten us today.  

Think through all the things you have believed about sex. Maybe even take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write down God’s plan for sex that we just talked about. On the right side write down everything you were taught or believed about sex that was different than God’s plan. My guess is that there is a lot more writing on the right side of your paper than the left side. Now this is where change can begin to take place. One by one draw a line through everything that is not God’s plan. Pray that as you cross them off your sheet of paper, God will renew your mind and firmly implant His plan of sex in marriage.

Today’s Challenge: 

Share what you were taught about sex in your family of origin.

Going Deeper:

1. How has your family of origin affected your view of sex today?

2. What were the negative messages about sex you received as you were growing up?

3. What have been the sexual frustrations for each of you in your marriage?

4. What is your part in rewriting your beliefs about sex in marriage?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage ZZ

The Honeymoon Experience

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.’ Proverbs 18:13(NLT)

‘And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ‘ Romans 8:28(NLT)

Devotional Content:

We all have a “honeymoon story.” I have yet to talk to a couple that says their honeymoon met every expectation. For one, after the hectic days leading up to—and including—their wedding day, most couples are exhausted by the time the honeymoon arrives. I have known couples that told me later that they were even too tired to make love on their wedding night and felt they had committed some sin by not doing so.  Others talk of fighting on their honeymoon. Or of one person getting injured or sick.  Expectations were either damaged or destroyed and they look back at their honeymoon with unmet expectations.

When I talk to premarital couples, I stress the importance of realistic expectations for the honeymoon. Unfortunately, most of us were not told that and did not keep our expectations realistic. In the video, I share part of our honeymoon story. At the time we were disappointed. Things went off script. But as we look back, we are able to see what God taught us during that time. God has a way of always bringing good out of what seem like bad things.  

We learned to be more flexible. Now when things don’t go as we would like, we roll with it more easily, and look for what God has for us. We learned to talk more about our expectations and to keep them realistic. This has been a huge help for us. When Nancy was sick on our honeymoon, we learned that we were now dependent on each other in a new way. I was the one who had to figure out how to help her. We were in Mexico and her mom was lots of miles away. The task fell on me. Nancy had to trust that I would—and could—take care of her. She had never really seen me in that role without a backup close at hand. The really cool thing was that, as a result, our marriage took a huge growth step that never would have happened if our expectations had been met in the way we wanted. It’s funny that looking back now, I would not change a thing!

Today’s Challenge: 

Share the expectations you had going into your honeymoon. Were they realistic or not? 

Going Deeper:

1. Share with each other the positives of your honeymoon experience.

2. What were some obstacles you had to deal with on your honeymoon?

3. How did your honeymoon affect your sex life the first year of marriage?

4. What did you learn about your spouse that has been helpful in growing your sexual relationship in marriage?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage ZZ

A Good Sex Life

‘Your children will commit themselves to you, O Jerusalem, just as a young man commits himself to his bride. Then God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.’ Isaiah 62:5(NLT)

‘Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.’ Hebrews 13:4(NLT)

Devotional Content:

One of the things that Nancy and I did not do before marriage was talk about our future sex life and what we each expected it to look like. I don’t think we were that different from most couples. As I work with couples in the counseling room, I am always amazed about how little conversation there has been about sex. One of the things I do with premarital couples is to get them talking about their expectations for sex in marriage. It is interesting that we live in a sex-charged world, yet talk so little about it in our marriage relationships. One of my prayers for you during this reading plan is that it will open the door to conversations about your sexual relationship.

I think that going into marriage I felt like I knew all that I needed to know and that a great sex life would just happen. That theory didn’t hold water very long. I left out an essential part. Actually two essential parts. The first was Nancy’s expectations and the second was God’s plan for sex in marriage. What we learned over time, after a lot of pain and fighting, was that a great sex life takes work and effort. For us that meant talking, sharing, listening, experimenting, and patience. We had to forget what our culture said and let God show us His plan for sex. His plan blends the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. His plan is for a mingling of souls and it can only happen in a Christian marriage. It is the best sex ever!

Today’s Challenge: 

Take time to share the expectations you had for your sexual relationship as you entered into marriage.

Going Deeper:

1. What messages about sex do you see in your culture? How are those messages affecting you and your marriage?

2. Dr. Kim talks about sex as a gift from God. How does that truth affect you and your view of sex in marriage?

3. On a scale of 1–10 (10 being the highest) how would you rate your sexual relationship today? (Each of you may have different ratings and that is okay.)

4. What is one thing you can do to improve your sexual relationship?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage ZZ

Living in the Light

‘Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.”’ John 8:12(NLT)

‘Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. So it is right that I should feel as I do about all of you, for you have a special place in my heart. You share with me the special favor of God, both in my imprisonment and in defending and confirming the truth of the Good News. God knows how much I love you and long for you with the tender compassion of Christ Jesus. I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ —for this will bring much glory and praise to God.’ Philippians(NLT)

Scripture: John 8:12; Philippians 1:3–11

Creating time for each other in your marriage won’t happen by default; it must happen by design. Special dates and outings are great, but we’re referring to the moments in between—in bed before falling asleep, in the morning before starting your day, driving to and from activities, or throughout your day when an urgent matter comes up. 

This type of space is essential to living a see-through marriage. It’s this margin that allows room to go off script. It’s so easy to fill every second of every day, spend every penny, and use every last iota of energy on outside demands. It’s so easy, in fact, that as a culture we live in perpetual states of debt: time debt (too much to do and not enough time to do it), financial debt (paying later for benefits today), and complete energy debt (using caffeine and energy drinks to borrow energy as needed).

We urge you to fight culture’s pull to live an indebted life, especially when it comes to time spent conversing for the health of your marriage. Wherever you are, give yourselves the margin you need to have good conversations of substance. Turn off the distractions, say no to good things more often, simplify your financial obligations, and, in general, explore the freedoms possible in a simplified life. 

This is not easy, and it’s counter-cultural. For those reasons, it’s radical, just as having a see-through marriage is radical. But we’re not called to live like everyone else. Christ has shown us a better way—for the purpose of a see-through marriage and so much more. 

It is our prayer that as you surrender to Christ’s lordship and trust in His goodness daily you would experience deeper joys and truths for the rest of your lives together—perhaps to a degree previously unimagined. 

We really can’t overstate the beauty of living transparently alongside each other in marriage. You need not be perfect to experience the perfect love of Christ. That is the beauty of the gospel—and living in the full light of Christ’s truth is the freedom available to those who choose a fierce, see-through marriage. 

How would creating more margin in your life, particularly in the area of time, help you and your spouse live more of a see-through marriage?

from See-Through Marriage by Ryan and Selena Frederick

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1st Marriage ZZ

A Temple of the Holy Spirit

‘The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord ’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. They will rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities destroyed long ago. They will revive them, though they have been deserted for many generations.’ Isaiah 61:1-4(NLT)

‘And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:1-2(NLT)

‘Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.’ 1 Corinthians 6:19-20(NLT)

Scripture: Isaiah 61:1–4; Romans 12:1–2; 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Physiological needs can often be the biggest unconsidered factor when it comes to conflicts between you and your spouse. For example, communication between a husband and wife might go south simply because of timing. If one or both spouses are tired and don’t have the bandwidth or energy to talk and connect, then you have to consider that maybe this isn’t the best time to dive deep into that difficult conversation about x, y, and z. 

Sometimes the changes we need to make in our marriage aren’t as monumental as we think they need to be. Perhaps there is some fine-tuning or small adjustments that will yield us the results our hearts desire: connection, clear communication, and just plain feeling healthy! The two of us have had many arguments that could have simply been avoided or less heated if we had simply known that the other was hungry or tired. 

One area in which physiological needs affect us in a more significant way is intimacy and sex. God created sex for deep connection and a oneness that includes both the physical and the spiritual. In order for you to get to the root of a partly physiological and partly spiritual need such as sex, it’s important to be see-through with your spouse about your past. 

We’re not recommending you go through every detail of your sexual past in a way that would hurt your spouse (if you’re the one who needs to share about past sexual experiences), but we are saying that you need to own your sin in a way that is humble, is repentant, and seeks reconciliation. 

If you have experienced sexual abuse in your past and haven’t shared it with your spouse yet, we would encourage you to be transparent. Allow your spouse to see through you and give them an opportunity to love you more completely and fully. 

When you humbly ask God to open your eyes to the unknown needs or hurts your spouse might be dealing with, you are asking him to help you to have a see-through marriage. One way we can love our spouse with a biblical love is by seeing and dealing with each other’s physiological needs to the fullest extent we are able. 

Read Romans 12, ideally with your spouse. How do our physiological selves and spiritual selves relate to this passage?

from See-Through Marriage by Ryan and Selena Frederick