Category: 1st Marriage

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Dreaming

‘Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.’ Proverbs 13:12(NLT)

‘No, the wisdom we speak of is the mystery of God —his plan that was previously hidden, even though he made it for our ultimate glory before the world began. But the rulers of this world have not understood it; if they had, they would not have crucified our glorious Lord. That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” But it was to us that God revealed these things by his Spirit. For his Spirit searches out everything and shows us God’s deep secrets. No one can know a person’s thoughts except that person’s own spirit, and no one can know God’s thoughts except God’s own Spirit. ‘ 1 Corinthians 2:7-11(NLT)

It happened when you and your spouse first got serious when you were dating. Or maybe when you were engaged. Most certainly when you were first married.   

 

You dreamed together.

 

When the future is laid out before us, we can very easily cast our creativity into that future and imagine what it will be like. The places we will go together, the things we   will do together, the houses we’ll buy and the kids we’ll make who will fill those houses.

 

But just as often, the more the future becomes a reality, we can stop dreaming together. We can look to the more knowable present and live there. Sometimes, the future can even look scary and we can lose hope.

 

God wants us to hope, though! The Bible is full of hope! And the couple that dreams   together is all the more likely to stay together through both the fat and the lean times.

 

So today, take some time to reflect on the idealistic dreams you had when you first met. Reclaim that idealism and prayerfully dream together once more. With God, anything is possible.

from 7 Days To Open Up Your Life

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Listening

‘Haughtiness goes before destruction; humility precedes honor. Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.’ Proverbs 18:12-13(NLT)

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

You know what’s easy? Talking.

 

You know what’s not so easy? You’ve probably already guessed.

 

Listening isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do, especially when you already have so many things to say, but when it comes to loving your spouse creatively, active listening is one of the best things you can do.

 

Sometimes we think “listening” means “not talking” or, worse, “waiting for them to stop talking so I can finally say what I want to.” No, listening to your spouse—really   listening to them—is as much a spiritual practice as it is a communication practice.

 

When you actively listen to your spouse, you’re engaging with them emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Because sometimes, in the midst of listening, the Lord can prompt you to hear something special, something that, when the time comes, you can speak into. Or maybe you just need to hear something so that your understanding of your spouse gets deepened.

 

You’ll go so much deeper and build so much more foundational relationship with your spouse if you listen first, so make listening your default position and watch the creativity flood into your relationship.

from 7 Days To Open Up Your Life

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Laughing

‘A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.’ Proverbs 17:22(NLT)

‘Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.’ Philippians 4:4-5(NLT)

Building intimacy in marriage is hard work—you might as well have a little fun along the way!

 

(And no, that doesn’t necessarily mean sex [though it doesn’t not mean sex!]).

 

No, joy and laughter together build intimacy. When you first fell in love with your spouse, it’s entirely likely that you bonded over laughter. Making someone laugh is often one of the first things that attracts us to someone.   

 

But over time, as the day-in, day-out work of marriage becomes the month-in, month-out and then the year-in, year-out work, it’s easy to forget to laugh.

 

So if you haven’t laughed with your spouse in a while, seek to find out why. Is there a conflict between the two of you? Or has life just gotten in the way?

 

Once you have it diagnosed, get creative and laugh again. Watch a funny movie or television show. Play (harmless!) pranks on one another. Get in a pun war. Do whatever: just start laughing and let the joy build and build.

from 7 Days To Open Up Your Life  

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Serving

‘Give freely and become more wealthy; be stingy and lose everything. The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.’ Proverbs 11:24-25(NLT)

‘God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen.’ 1 Peter 4:10-11(NLT)

Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, and other gift-giving occasions are great—especially if giving and receiving gifts is one of your love languages. And while it’s a blessing both to give and receive gifts, we can sometimes wind up importing our practical thinking about gifts into our spiritual thinking about them.

 

See, the fact is: you’ve been given a gift. God has blessed you with various gifts and talents. But the other fact is this: unlike Christmas gifts, the gifts God has given you aren’t for you—they’re for others!

 

And who better to give your gifts to than your spouse!

 

So here’s your challenge for today: do you know your spiritual gifts? If so, how can you use those to serve your spouse today? Just like you would serve your community, or your church, or your kids, serve your spouse with your spiritual gifts today and see what happens!

from 7 Days To Open Up Your Life

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Empathizing

‘Those who shut their ears to the cries of the poor will be ignored in their own time of need.’ Proverbs 21:13(NLT)

‘As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:31-33(NLT)

One of the most profoundly powerful tools we have in marriage—and one of the most profoundly lacking in many relationships—is empathy.

 

Empathy isn’t just trying to see things from your spouse’s point of view—it’s the act of imagining yourself in their shoes. Feeling what they feel. Hearing what they hear. Creatively putting yourself in their frame of mind—with all the life story they’ve lived up to that point—so you can better understand them.

 

This isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. Fortunately, you have God on your side! Ask Him to help you empathize with your spouse, because that’s when you really start to achieve unity with them.

 

Because of what it asks of your imagination and your emotions, empathy is ultimately one of the most creative acts you can undertake in your marriage. The more you try it, the more you will begin to understand your spouse and find a thriving unity between the two of you.

 

Give empathy a try today and see what happens.

from 7 Days To Open Up Your Life

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Forgiving

‘He revealed his character to Moses and his deeds to the people of Israel. The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.’ Psalms 103:7-14(NLT)

‘“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.”’ Luke 6:37-38(NLT)

Today’s passage from Luke is a very famous passage when we talk about money, but one of the many great things about the Bible is that it has subtle applications outside of what you see on the surface.

 

Have you ever needed forgiveness in the past? Do you need forgiveness now, in the   present? Will you ever need forgiveness in the future? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then the creative key to receiving that forgiveness is to start giving it away.

 

This isn’t often easy. Hurt and pain are real, and when you feel them, it’s worth paying attention to those feelings and honoring them. But it’s also true that you won’t move past them until you forgive. And then you can deal with the consequences of the behavior that hurt you—or the way you hurt your spouse.

What are some creative ways you can extend forgiveness to your spouse today?   

from 7 Days To Open Up Your Life

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Communicating

‘Take control of what I say, O Lord , and guard my lips. Don’t let me drift toward evil or take part in acts of wickedness. Don’t let me share in the delicacies of those who do wrong. Let the godly strike me! It will be a kindness! If they correct me, it is soothing medicine. Don’t let me refuse it.’ Psalms 141:3-5(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future.’ Ephesians 4:2-4(NLT)

Communication is quite possibly the most important tie that binds together a   successful marriage. But an important aspect of communication—one that’s known by anyone who makes communication a part of their everyday world—is that effective communication happens when you speak in a way that your audience will hear you.

 

Are you and your spouse communicating? Are you trying to communicate with   them in a way they will hear what you have to say?

 

Another key aspect of communication is that it’s about more than just talk. You can communicate in the tone of your voice, in the expression on your face, in the ways you do and don’t interact throughout the day. Even just choosing to be in the same room as your spouse is telling them something about you—and about the way you think about them.

 

What are some ways you can communicate creatively—other than talking—with your spouse today?

from 7 Days To Open Up Your Life

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts – Day 6

Home improvement goal:

Clear up confusion.

Home improvement tool:

Improve communication.

We can have beautiful sinks and faucets, but if our pipes are clogged or leaky, we’ve got problems. Best-case scenario, we’ve got annoying backups or dripping sounds; worst-case scenario, we’ve got corrosion or water damage.

Because communication is similar to the pipes in our homes, when I talk with couples and families about home improvement, I ask, “Are your lines of communication clear, clogged, or leaky?”

Clear lines of communication are those in which people avoid confusion by listening to understand and responding in supportive ways, especially in tense situations. Anyone can listen and be positive in easy situations, but the tense situations are the truer test of our communication skills and commitment to supportive, relationship-building communication.

Examining your own communication strengths and weaknesses and then working to improve those is a good way of leading by example in your family.

What are your communication strengths and weaknesses? How did you develop those strengths and minimize your weaknesses? You might enlist your loved ones to help you identify what your communication strengths and weaknesses are. Ask them, “What do I do to show you that I’m listening?” “What is something you wish I did more of to show you that I care when you’re talking to me?” “Is there something I do or say that gets on your nerves?”

Thankfully, whatever your communication weaknesses are, that’s not the end of the story. We all can and should continually “rewrite” our stories to improve on the old and incorporate new and improved communication habits. And that’s how you do it yourself! 

from The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts

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The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts – Day 5

‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:31-32(NLT)

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

Home improvement goal:

Reduce resentment.

Home improvement tool:

Choose forgiveness.

Resentment is a strong word. It’s close in meaning to hatred and often involves long-standing bitterness, or grudge holding, because of a wrong we feel has been done to us.

A few of you just read that definition and think, “That’s not our home. I’ll just skim this chapter and move on.” But I’ve found as a counselor that more homes are wrecked by resentment than you might expect.

In fact, resentment sometimes sneaks into our relationships before we’re even aware it’s happening. And then, after time passes, we more clearly see and feel the damage it leaves in its wake.

Termites and other wood-destroying pests do the same thing. They set in unnoticed and steadily damage the foundation of our houses. Water damage and ground settling have a similar effect—they all in time can cause shifts in our foundation, which can lead to uneven floors, cracks in the walls, and doors and windows that don’t shut quite right. Those are visible effects of literal foundation damage.

Not one of us is perfect. We will fail each other in little and big ways. Accepting this reality is an important starting place for cultivating a spirit of forgiveness at home.

In practical terms, we first choose an attitude of forgiveness when faced with the “small stuff.” I call this “forbearance” or patience with the things that bug us about the other person. I’m talking about the way they leave hairs in the bathroom sink, the fact that they fail to hang up their clothes, or the way they load the dishwasher. It should be easy to overlook the small stuff in life, right? No, it’s not easy. Often we resent the fact that our spouse does not do things our way.

We must accept the reality that harboring resentment is not going to bring change. Apology and forgiveness is a much more powerful home improvement tool that will bring the change we long for.

from The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts – Day 4

‘God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.’ Matthew 5:9(NLT)

‘“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.’ Matthew 7:12(NLT)

‘Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.’ Romans 12:17-18(NLT)

Home improvement goal:

Negotiate conflict.

Home improvement tool:

Seek compromise.

Conflict is inevitable simply because we are humans. We have different thoughts, feelings, preferences and opinions. The key to family harmony is learning to negotiate conflicts without damaging our relationship. This is where the home improvement tool of compromise is so helpful.

Why compromise?

“I’m tired of fighting.” This statement is one that Shannon and I frequently hear in counseling. That sentiment is also a top reason people are willing, or should be willing, to consider compromise as a valuable home improvement tool. If you’re tired of fighting, at some point you have to learn to compromise.

Some people are naturally good at compromise. They may have grown up with positive role models who demonstrated healthy compromise habits, or they may have learned through their own trial and error that compromise was the way to go. Other people compromise too much, meaning they give everyone else their way simply to avoid an argument. Still other people rarely compromise. They’re more of the “my way or the highway” kind of people.

How are you at compromise? Are you doing well and don’t need to make any changes? If so, congratulations on already having the tool of compromise in your relationship toolbox! Make that work for you as you lead your family in the art of compromise.

If you need to step up your efforts at compromise, what will you do to take action? As you already know, we have to be assertive with our home improvement efforts—it is truly a do-it-yourself project. Why? Because, unlike installing new carpet, we can’t hire someone else to come in and change our attitude or cause us to view conflict as a step rather than a pest—we have to do this work for ourselves. 

from The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts