Category: 1st Marriage

‘But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.’ James 1:22-25(NLT)

Congratulations! You made it through three weeks of learning about sex! Unfortunately, this reading plan won’t have an impact on your life and your marriage unless you do something with what you’ve learned. Today’s reading reminds us that studying God’s Word is like looking into a mirror. You will see some things that encourage you, but you will always see things that Lord wants to change in you. If you walk away from the mirror and go on with life as usual, you’ve wasted your time. However, the Word of God taught by the Spirit of God can help you made monumental changes.

Yes, God wants to make changes in your sexual relationship. He cares about it! There have been several times over the years during my time quiet time, I’ve heard the gentle nudge from the Lord to put my Bible down and initiate sex with my husband. As much as God wants me to read the Bible, He is more concerned about how I am living it out in my most intimate relationship.

What did you learn during these three weeks? What are three things the Lord specifically impressed upon your heart? What do you intend to do with what you saw in the mirror?

from God, Sex And Your Marriage

‘Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. ‘ Philippians 2:1-3(NLT)

No, God didn’t make a mistake!
Imagine that you and your spouse lived in sexual utopia. You always want to have sex at exactly the same time and the same way. Every initiation is met with an eager response. There is never any conflict about foreplay, being too tired, giving each other pleasure or trying something new in bed because your desires are always exactly the same. How fantastic would that be? It would be almost like the sex portrayed in movies–what a great love life!

God, the creative Creator certainly could have made sex that way. He could have created man and woman to be exactly the same sexually. But He didn’t. In fact, He intentionally made us vastly different.

Did God make a mistake? Did He “mess up” the master design of sex by making a husband and wife so diverse? Does He sit up in heaven and laugh that we can’t seem to please each other?

Remember that even before sin entered the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve had primary sexual differences in the way God created them. God declared His creation of man and woman “very good” and this very good included your sexual differences.

God’s design for sex is NOT just for immediate exquisite pleasure (although He is all for that). But God has a much more beautiful gift of intimacy for you and your spouse to open than what the world says sex is about. Here’s the catch. It requires a different kind of love.

Sex is designed to be more than an expression of love between a husband and wife. It is also the refining fire of love. It tests and teaches a willing man and woman to reach beyond their natural desires and learn what servant love really is.
The world knows only of a love that feels good. We are born with the natural response to “love” those who meet our physical and emotional needs. This kind of natural love is essentially self-love. It really says, “I love the way you make me feel.”

The differences between you and your spouse will ultimately ask you a question: am I a servant lover or a selfish lover? God is very concerned about what kind of love you are making!

Action Step: Ask your spouse, with an open heart, how can I be a servant lover to you?

from God, Sex And Your Marriage

‘For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.’ Philippians 2:13(NLT)

Sex is a lot like legos.

…OK, cut me some slack. As the mom of three boys, there seem to be legos everywhere I look. Still, I think it is a good analogy.

The first time a child sees a box of legos, he might be naïve enough to think that the box actually contains a toy that looks like the cool picture on the front. Imagine his disappointment when he opens the legos to find hundreds of seemingly random pieces of plastic instead of the Batmobile that was promised by the box cover.

The genius and fun of legos is creativity. First, you follow the directions and build the design represented on the box. But then no child can resist the desire to build something new, to tear the blocks apart and start another creation.

Back to sex… the world may have painted for you a picture on the box… a blissful experience of exquisite pleasure and oneness. Perhaps you have been surprised and disappointed to find that sex has created more conflict in your marriage than intimacy, more pain than pleasure. The metaphoric “pieces” of this gift seem to be strewn around your bedroom, bearing no semblance to the gift you were promised.

Every marriage experiences some obstacle in physical intimacy. Differences in desire, medical issues, recovery from sexual abuse, baggage from poor choices in the past, involvement with porn, a poor body image to name just a few. I’m sure you’ve had periods of your marriage, as I have, in which you ask God, “Wasn’t this supposed to be a gift? With all due respect, God, I think the gift is broken. Any chance I can exchange it for something else?”

The Lord asks you to view the gift of sex as a gift of building. Just like that box of legos, the joy is found in creating. Regardless of the frustration and difficulty you face in physical intimacy, the Lord wants to build something far more precious than a few moments of physical ecstasy. Unselfishness, grace, forgiveness, unconditional acceptance… each can be forged within the furnace of seeking the Lord through the obstacles you face in the bedroom. Will you invite Him to build?

Questions to ponder: How is sex like legos in your marriage? What does the Lord want you to “build” together?

from God, Sex And Your Marriage

‘Seventy years are given to us! Some even live to eighty. But even the best years are filled with pain and trouble; soon they disappear, and we fly away.’ Psalms 90:10(NLT)

Could you imagine if you took this admonition seriously and actually numbered your days? How many days would you have left on this earth if you were to live to age 70?

None of us know exactly how many days we have left, so we tend to squander them, thinking there will always be time to do what was left undone today.
Time management coaches often talk about the danger of allowing the “urgent” to override the “important.”

Although passion in your marriage is important, it may not be urgent. You can put it on the shelf for weeks and months while you attend to more urgent matters like a sick child, a work deadline or the dreaded school science project. In the meantime, the spark that you and your spouse once enjoyed is slowly fading.

No matter what stage of life you find yourself in,
sexual passion in your marriage will not develop unless you make it priority. You won’t have more time when work slows down or when the kids get older. If you don’t make sexual love a priority
today, chances are you never will.

I trust that over the past few weeks you have become convinced of the importance of nurturing love in your marriage, including sexual love. Who knows how many more days or nights you have to make love and to enjoy the beautiful gift of sexuality? Don’t squander today!

from God, Sex And Your Marriage

‘You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:12(NLT)

‘You say, “I am allowed to do anything” —but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.’ 1 Corinthians 10:23-24(NLT)

Question #3 – Is it good for us?
This is where things get fuzzy. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where God clearly says “no” to things like sex toys, masturbation, or oral sex. In fact, you’ll find very different opinions from Christian leaders on all these topics. The Corinthian church had questions about grey areas too. Instead of telling them exactly what to do, Paul gave them guidelines of how to use good judgment when the Bible doesn’t clearly state something as right or wrong.

Everything is permissible for me—but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me—but I will not be mastered by anything. (1 Corinthians 6:12 NIV)

A few chapters later, Paul seems to repeat himself:
Everything is permissible—but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. (1 Corinthians 10: 23-24 NIV)

Here’s what you can take from these passages. There are many things in life that you are free to do and enjoy. When you are not sure whether something is okay, put it through Paul’s filter:
· Is this beneficial? Is it good for me? For my spouse? Is it good for our marriage?
· Does it master me? Can it be habit-forming or addictive?
· Is it constructive? Does it help me grow and mature? Does it build our marriage?
· Is it loving? Does this action show love towards my spouse or is it selfish?

This means that for some couples, a certain sexual act will be fine and, for another couple, the same sexual act isn’t right for them.

Do you wish God had given you a list of sexual acts with a clear “yes” or “no” by each one? It sure would make things a lot easier. But God, in his wisdom, has left some things open for a husband and wife to talk and pray through. You have to seek his wisdom for your own marriage. If you and your spouse disagree on a “grey area,” you will have to listen and learn to love each other through the decision.

After all, sex is a lot more than just sharing your body—it’s a journey of intimacy. Figuring out the boundaries together gives you a great opportunity to seek the Lord’s wisdom and to learn how to love each other more deeply.

Question to ponder: What “grey areas” regarding sex are you struggling with in your marriage? How can Paul’s advice help you sort this through together?

from God, Sex And Your Marriage

‘“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand—even your stronger hand#5:30 Greek your right hand.—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.’ Matthew 5:27-30(NLT)

‘She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:19(NLT)

Questions #2 – Is it only between you and your spouse?

Well, this question seems like a pretty obvious one. God said “no” to having sex outside of marriage and having sex with someone you’re not married to. So, why do we even ask this question? Because many people fudge on it.

Reserving sex, sexual fantasies, and sexual expression only for your spouse means more than just what you do physically, but what you look at and what you think about. This is not my opinion, this is what Jesus said:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:27-28 NIV

This includes fantasy, pornography, on-line relationships, and erotica. This seems like a pretty strict standard. Jesus goes on to advise us on how to deal with temptation:

“If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” Matthew 5:29

His message is clear—get rid of whatever causes you to sin in your heart! Throw out the mommy porn. If it is a portal for temptation, get rid of your iPhone, satellite TV, or your Facebook account. Cut off the relationship that is tempting you. If you really want to know what God says, take his warning seriously. Stop flirting with anything that causes you to think, lust, or fantasize about a person other than your spouse.

Even if it is WITH your spouse, bringing any other person (real, digital or imagined) is a violation to your covenant love. It will teach you be sexually excited by looking outside your marriage rather than being “intoxicated” by the sexual love within your marriage (Proverbs 5:19)

Action Step:
Is there anything you are doing (with or without your spouse) that violates this principle? If so, confess it before the Lord and get rid of it!

from God, Sex And Your Marriage

‘God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. ‘ 1 Thessalonians 4:3(NLT)

Question #1 – Does God clearly say “no”?
God doesn’t say, “no” to many things. Ironically, when He does we tend to rationalize our way out of it. Our human nature is to push against anything that appears to limit our freedom. However, God doesn’t say “no” arbitrarily. His commands regarding sexuality are based on His wisdom and divine plan.

There are some things the Bible is very clear about—particularly related to sex. These things probably won’t surprise you but they also are not totally PC. Here’s a list compiled by my friend and theologian, Dr. Jody Dillow. Sexual purity is a huge theme of the call to holiness in New Testament teaching. Each of these prohibitions is expressed in the New Testament and is not simply part of the Old Testament law.

1. Fornication: Fornication is immoral sex.
2. Adultery: Adultery is sex with someone who is not your spouse.
3. Homosexuality: The Bible is very clear that for a man to have sex with a man or a woman to have sex with a woman is wrong in God’s eyes.
4. Impurity: This refers to moral or sexual uncleanness.
5. Orgies: This means sexual relations with different couples.
6. Prostitution: Prostitution, which is paying for sex, is morally wrong and condemned throughout Scripture.
7. Lustful passions: Lustful passion does not refer to the powerful, God-given sexual desire for each other enjoyed by a married man and woman. Instead, it refers to an unrestrained, indiscriminate sexual desire for men or women other than the person’s marriage partner.
8. Sodomy: In the Old Testament, sodomy refers to men lying with men. The English word means male homosexual intercourse or intercourse with animals.
9. Obscenity and Coarse Jokes: This does not rule out sexual humor in the privacy of marriage, but rather inappropriate sexual comments in a public setting.
10. Incest: Incest, or sex with family members or relatives, is specifically forbidden in Scripture.

If you are wondering if something is okay with God, first ask: is it on this list? If God has clearly said “no,” it is wrong.

Questions to ponder:
Does anything on this list surprise you? Why do we tend to protest when God forbids something?

from God, Sex And Your Marriage

‘All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. ‘ 2 Timothy 3:16(NLT)

‘If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. ‘ James 1:5(NLT)

‘Solid food is for those who are mature, who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong.’ Hebrews 5:14(NLT)

As someone who teaches on the area of sexual intimacy, I get A LOT of questions. By far, the most common questions relate to “what’s ok in the bedroom.” Now that you have a wedding ring on your finger, are you free to engage in whatever you want?

Before we even get into discussing whether something is right or wrong in the bedroom, I want to emphasize that God’s desire is for you and your spouse to experience GREAT PLEASURE!! His standards are not to limit your enjoyment, but to heighten it. I think many Christian couples have no idea what freedom they have in the bedroom. God made the marriage relationship a safe place for a husband and wife to explore, experiment, laugh, and get lost in sensational sex.

As with all areas of life, God’s instructions on sex can be found in the Bible. Do you know that the Bible talks about sex a lot?? Although the answers to sexual questions aren’t found in a chapter or verse, using the Bible as a reference guide for decisions will make you wise in discerning good from evil (Hebrews 5:14) even when something seems like a grey area.

There are three questions that can help you discern whether a sexual act is right or wrong in your marriage. Over the next three days, we will take a look at these questions and how they apply to your marriage.

Question to Ponder:
What questions do you and your spouse have regarding “what’s OK?” Do you believe God has an answer for you?

Action Step:
Get on your knees together and ask the Lord for His wisdom regarding the questions you have.

from God, Sex And Your Marriage

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

Do you think about you and your spouse as being on the same team when it comes to sexual temptation? Very rarely does a husband or wife even discuss how they are tempted sexually unless one of them catches the other in the act: sending flirtatious texts to a coworker, watching something sexually explicit, reconnecting with an old flame on Facebook, or lying about why you were late coming home from the office.

Regardless of which of you is tempted, when you are a team, you’ll begin to see it as your problem together as a couple.

Because of the shame and feelings of rejection associated with sexual temptations, most people keep it a secret from their spouse. That compounds the problem and causes an even greater divide. I don’t mean that a wife should take responsibility for her husband’s purity or vice versa. However, when sexual sin and temptation hits one of you, it affects both of you. Satan will use pornography, inappropriate emotional attachments, and other forms of temptation to further divide you if he can define your spouse as “the problem” or “the enemy.” As long as you’re fighting each other, you cannot stand together.

So how do you become a team? Here are a few strategies:
First, you have to learn to communicate to each other without judgment. Over the years, my husband and I have learned to ask each other questions like, “How are you doing? Are you struggling with (specific temptations we have shared in the past)? Is there anything I can do to help you focus on us?” Initially, this can be a difficult conversation but it’s critical to becoming a team. We don’t ask these questions because we are paranoid, but because we know the reality of marriage.

Second, you play defense together. Where is your marriage vulnerable? What needs do you have that are not being met, leaving you open to temptation? How can you put up “walls” or “hedges” to protect against temptation?

Third, play offense together. Don’t just wait for temptation to attack your marriage. Work on your sexual and romantic relationship so that you do not leave room for the enemy to attack. Christian marriages are far more vulnerable to sexual temptation when there is no romantic adventure or sexual excitement.

Action Step: How are you doing “fighting as a team?” Talk together about how you can support each other in the temptations you face.

from God, Sex And Your Marriage

‘The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.’ 1 Corinthians 10:13(NLT)

A psalm of David.
‘I will sing of your love and justice, Lord . I will praise you with songs. I will be careful to live a blameless life— when will you come to help me? I will lead a life of integrity in my own home. I will refuse to look at anything vile and vulgar. I hate all who deal crookedly; I will have nothing to do with them. I will reject perverse ideas and stay away from every evil. I will not tolerate people who slander their neighbors. I will not endure conceit and pride. I will search for faithful people to be my companions. Only those who are above reproach will be allowed to serve me. I will not allow deceivers to serve in my house, and liars will not stay in my presence. My daily task will be to ferret out the wicked and free the city of the Lord from their grip.’ Psalms 101:1-8(NLT)

Notice the title for today’s devotional…. “A strategy when you are tempted.” Not if but when. Many married men and women are surprised when they are sexually tempted. They falsely assume that marriage will solve the “purity” problem. Because they are allowed and encouraged to have sex, porn won’t be an issue any more, nor will the attention of another man. Wrong!

Almost every married person will at some point be tempted. Maybe that temptation will come in the form of an attractive co-worker or rekindling a friendly relationship with an old lover online. Or maybe you will simply be tempted to fantasize about “what if I had married… instead of my husband/wife?”

Paul challenged us that we are “not unaware of Satan’s schemes” so let’s not be outwitted by him. Whether you are currently facing temptation or not, be prepared. Today’s verse reminds us of three important things:

1) It is normal to be tempted. Everyone, even Jesus, faces temptation. To be tempted is NOT a sin.
2) God is faithful to provide you the strength to stand and a way of escape.
3) It is up to you to choose the way of escape!

In Psalm 101, David records a list of choices he made to be prepared for temptation. Each one begins with the words, “I will.” Here are a few of his declarations:

I will be careful to live a blameless life.
I will lead a life of integrity in my own home.
I will refuse to look at anything vile and vulgar.
I will have nothing to do with those who deal crookedly.
I will reject perverse ideas and stay away from every evil.

Action step:
Using Psalm 101 as a guide, write your own list of “I will’s” addressing how you choose NOW to guard against sin and respond to temptation when it comes.

from God, Sex And Your Marriage