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Infidelity: ZZ

REBUILDING A MARRIAGE AFTER INFIDELITY

‘I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.’ Psalms 40:1-2(NLT)

Infidelity can have a devastating impact upon a marriage. When there are children in the home, it has the potential to shatter the whole family and leave lifelong scars. So painful are its effects that many men and women who have been betrayed by a spouse never find it in their hearts to forgive or to make the slightest effort to save the relationship. But for those who are willing to work toward reconciliation, the good news is that miracles can happen. God listens to those who call out to Him for help, and He will establish your steps and set your feet upon the rock if you and your spouse make up your minds to move forward in dependence upon His grace.

If you find yourself in this position, take hold of hope and try to make the most of the opportunities God brings your way. You can begin by getting into counseling — you and your spouse. The first item of business is to work through the issues in your marriage that made it vulnerable to infidelity in the first place. A trained counselor can help examine your relationship and determine which areas need to be shored up. If you don’t perform this part of the process with great care, unresolved problems will only resurface later. Once you’ve dealt with these marital issues, it’s critical that your children join you in counseling. They too have emotional baggage to unpack, and it’s valuable for this to be done with a qualified Christian family therapist.

Bear in mind that it often takes a long time to rebuild trust after an affair has occurred. That’s going to be true for your kids as well as your spouse. So be patient. As the process moves forward, you can show your good faith by joining an accountability group at a local church. It’s impossible to overestimate the value of a group of Christian brothers or sisters with whom you can be open about your failings and temptations and who will be willing to hold you accountable to your renewed commitment to your family.

As a footnote, we’d like to recommend a great book that will be tremendously helpful to you and your spouse during this time of restoring your relationship — Torn Asunder: Recovering From Extra-marital Affairs, by Rev. Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke. This resource is available through Focus on the Family’s Online Store (http://family.christianbook.com/torn-asunder-recovering-from-extramarital-affair/dave-carder/9780802471352/pd/471352?event=ESRCG).

from Infidelity: Road To Recover, Next Steps

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

The Simple Things

‘Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil. ‘ Ecclesiastes 9:9(NLT)

‘So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.’ Ecclesiastes 3:12-13(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

After finding out from people what things in their marriages made them sad, I countered with this question: “What things in your marriage make you happy?” Here were some of their answers: “my husband’s cooking,” “when we are being considerate of each other,” “knowing that my husband is a godly man,” “holding hands,” “finding ways to please my wife,” “I love how we communicate, even if we do not agree,” “I love our commitment to our marriage,” and “snuggling up to each other.”

As I look at these answers, I am hit by an incredible reality about marriage: The things that make people the happiest in their marriages are the simple things. Contentment in marriage is not about money or power. It is not about possessions or elaborate vacations. It is about those things that connect a husband and wife.

I have said for a long time that marriage is not rocket science. We don’t need to understand something as complicated as the science that goes into propelling a rocket into space when we try to explain what sends a marriage soaring. What fuels a marriage are the daily, simple, purposeful things that we do for and with our spouses. That is awesome!

Today’s Challenge: The simple things are what keep a marriage moving forward. Have you hugged your spouse today?

Going Deeper:

1. What things in your marriage make you happy?

2. How do you define ‘contentment’ in your marriage?

3. Name two things in your marriage that really connect you.

4. What are some of the things that you would like to do for and with your spouse?

5. Will you commit to begin doing some of those today?

from Growing Your Marriage – Part 1

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Knowing What You Have Control Over

‘Better to live humbly with the poor than to share plunder with the proud.’ Proverbs 16:19(NLT)

‘You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!’ John 14:13-14(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Recently I asked a number of couples this question: “What things in your marriage make you sad?” The answers were varied: “taking each other for granted,” “my spouse’s words and actions due to drinking,” “my husband’s family hurting him,” “the thought of losing my wife,” and “not listening to each other.”

Some of these are situations we can do something about, and some are really out of our control. My advice is this: If there is something you can do about a situation, do it. Do it now. Don’t waste another day.

On the other hand, if the situation is out of your control, you must first learn to accept that fact. Secondly, set boundaries that are healthy for you if needed. Finally, pray. We sometimes forget the power of prayer. Seek God’s help, wisdom, and intervention. One of the many amazing things I have learned about God is that He always shows up!

Today’s Challenge: Trust God to reveal to you the things you have control over and the things you have zero control over in your marriage.

Going Deeper:

1. What things in your marriage can make you sad?

2. Which of these are in your control and which are out of your control?

3. Will you commit to work on the things that you have some control over?

4. Will you commit to let go of the things that are out of control?

5. Dr. Kim says, “God always shows up.” Are you willing to lay both the things you can control and the things you cannot control at His feet for His input, His guidance, and His miracles?

from Growing Your Marriage – Part 1

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Making It Better

‘Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. ‘ 1 Peter 4:8(NLT)

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:12-14(NLT)

Devotional Content:

What are you as a couple doing right now to purposefully make your marriage better? If you’re not actively doing anything, you might want to consider setting some reasonable goals for your marriage in order to get you started. One idea is to create a list together of the things that are important to you in your marriage. Add to the list anything that you want to exist in your marriage that is not there now.

Next, separate the items on your list into three groups—daily, short-term, and long-term. Daily items are the things you can do each day to show love, help each other out, and enrich each other’s lives. Short-term items are the things you would like to build into your marriage over the next year. And long-term items are the things that you want to build into your marriage over the next five to ten years.

Discuss what each of you will specifically do to build all these goals into your marriage. Use your lists as a guideline. Encourage each other in what you are doing. Every six months, look at your lists and see how you are doing. You can always change or update your lists.

Just remember, there is no better time than now to put your marriage as a priority and work together to make it awesome.

Today’s Challenge: If, when, and how you want to improve your marriage is a choice. What will you choose to do?

Going Deeper:

1. Discuss some of the things you have done in the past to make your marriage better.

2. Make a list together of the things that are important to you in your marriage. Then separate theM into the categories of Daily, Short-Term, and Long-Term.

3. Use your list as a guide as you discuss what part each of you will play in improving your marriage.

4. Commit to following through.

5. Evaluate and update your list every six months.

from Growing Your Marriage – Part 1

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Eliminating the ‘D’ Word

‘Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:6(NLT)

‘Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”’ Matthew 19:8-9(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Nancy and I dated for two years before we married, but we were pretty young. When we got engaged, Nancy was nineteen and I was twenty. Not only were we young, but we had no clue how to do marriage. Our premarital counseling consisted of two sessions with the pastor who married us. The first session was spent planning the wedding, and the second was spent listening to the pastor tell funny stories about Nancy’s family.

As I look back at this, the sad thing is that I thought our premarital counseling was great! My idea of marriage was to just live life together and everything would be perfect. I had no idea you had to work at marriage to make it work. Nobody ever told me that.

So we jumped into this swimming pool of marriage thinking we knew how to swim—and soon realized that not only did we not know how to swim but we did not even have a life preserver. We had more good days than bad days for the first couple of years, but then the bad days began to outnumber the good days. We tried to fix things on our own, but we didn’t know where to start.

I wish I could give you a three-step formula to what worked to save our marriage. It wasn’t that simple. But what I can give you is this: Things began to improve only after we committed to make it work. That was a huge step for us. At one point we even promised each other to never again use the word divorce in our marriage. We took the “D” word off the table for good. Fixing our marriage was still a lot of work, and the process was slow, but we were finally both working together.

Wherever you are in your marriage, do not give up. Move a giant step in the right direction by taking the “D” word off the table and committing to each other to make it work. That step alone will make a difference.

Today’s Challenge: Eliminate the “D” word from your marriage conversations, thoughts, and vocabulary; commit to making your marriage work.

Going Deeper:

1. What did you do individually and as a couple to prepare yourselves for marriage?

2. Would you do anything different today if you could have a ‘do over?’

3. Define the phrase “working at your marriage.” How can you apply that to your marriage?

4. In your marriage, what is a ‘good day’ and what is a ‘bad day?’

5. Have you taken the ‘D’ word off of the table in your marriage? If not, will you commit to do that today?

6. Finally, are you both willing to recommit to your marriage for the long haul?

from Growing Your Marriage – Part 1

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Check Your Progress

‘Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. ‘ Joshua 1:7(NLT)

On any journey, part of gauging your progress is knowing how far you’ve come and how far you still have to go. Those who study productivity and team efficiency will tell you that you need to be able to measure your progress so you can know what you’ve accomplished. 

I think parenting is like that. It’s easy to identify qualities our child is missing and what we need to work on as a parent. But sometimes we fail to notice how far they’ve come or how our parenting skills have improved. Stepfamilies can start to feel like a never-ending work in progress. And that can be discouraging. 

But why not take a minute and remember what it was like in the beginning of this blended adventure? Get some perspective on how far you’ve come—and celebrate that progress. And know that God is always with you, now and in all that still lies ahead. 

God, when I feel discouraged, open my eyes to see the progress our family has made together. I know that we are a work in progress and I trust your hand to guide us through.

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© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year.

from More Daily Encouragement for the Smart StepFamily

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Stepparents Need a Hug

‘Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.’ Ephesians 4:29(NLT)

One stepmom was pleasantly surprised when her two oldest stepdaughters gave her a card on Mother’s Day that read, “Everyone needs a back-up mom. You’re mine!” What a huge compliment—she was beaming from ear to ear. She knows how hard it is for kids and adult children alike to honor their stepmom without dishonoring their biological mother, or feeling disloyal to her. So, why the need for the hug?



Because this stepmom’s other two stepchildren didn’t acknowledge her at all on Mother’s Day. Not a word. 

So what’s your situation? Are you accepted or rejected? A part of the family or pushed aside? Talk about confusing. I guess you could say that ambiguity is a stepparent’s middle name. And that’s why they need a hug.

(A prayer for the biological parent to pray over the stepparent. If you’re both stepparents take turns praying over each other.) Father, thank you for my partner who has taken on the task of loving and caring for my children. I am grateful for all they do. Please strengthen them for the challenges they face and give us wisdom as a couple to parent well together. Amen.

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© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year.

from More Daily Encouragement for the Smart StepFamily

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Redeeming the Next Generation

‘Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.’ Ephesians 2:1-10(NLT)

For kids, a healthy stepfamily is a great blessing. We’ve known for years that divorce leaves a negative emotional residue on a child’s heart that can be witnessed over time. Two examples of this negative impact are cohabiting as adults and having a higher divorce rate than kids who grow up in intact families. But thankfully, that’s not the end of the story. 

Research now confirms that a healthy stepfamily not only prevents another divorce in a child’s life, but it gives them a healthy model of marital relationships that equips them for marriage as adults.* In other words, after divorce a strong, stable, healthy stepfamily lowers the divorce rate in this generation and in the next. It reverses the “curse”. 

What Satan tries to destroy through divorce, God can take back in just one generation. When you’re having a bad day, hang on to that good news and keep going.

God, please touch our family with your redeeming power and help us prepare and equip our children for future healthy marriages of their own.

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 [1] Tianyi Yu and Francesca Adler-Baeder, “The Intergenerational Transmission of Relationship Quality,” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 47: 2007, 3, 87–102. 

© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year.

from More Daily Encouragement for the Smart StepFamily

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Event Etiquette

‘Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.’ Romans 12:17-18(NLT)

Does your child live in two different homes? If so, you might want to consider following some guidelines for event etiquette when attending their activities. We know that kids love it when their parents attend their recitals, concerts, sporting events, and school productions. But their enthusiasm dissolves if co-parents make it stressful. To make any event affirming for your child, be sure to mind your etiquette:

  • Sit where you feel comfortable and be respectful to the other parent as you walk in and out.
  • After the event, let your  child hug or talk to each parent no matter who currently has visitation privileges. 
  • To keep the event safe for everyone, don’t discuss parenting matters at the event. That turns a recital into a business conversation and takes the focus off your child.      You can talk about that later. Let this moment simply be about celebrating your child. 

Father, during our children’s activities and events, remind us to drop our personal agenda and focus on making good memories that build up and encourage our kids.

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© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year.

from More Daily Encouragement for the Smart StepFamily

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Honor the Past and the Present

‘All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. ‘ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4(NLT)

Wise stepparents honor their stepchildren’s past. When Victoria married a widower with four kids, she applied this advice and it really paid off. Victoria noticed how “uprooted” the kids seemed to feel when her furniture was moved into their family home. So she made changes very cautiously. First, she set up the kitchen according to her own tastes and needs, but she made sure that the mother’s items were distributed or saved for each child. Then she waited five more years to re-do the living room.

During the Christmas celebration seven years after her marriage, Victoria gifted each child with a photo of their family of origin and the current stepfamily. Now that’s wisdom. She honored each child, their mom, their dad—and herself. And by encouraging her stepchildren to embrace their past, Victoria made it more likely that they will want to embrace her as a part of their future. 

Father, show me ways to help my stepchildren know that I honor their past history and the other family members in their life as part of who they are.

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© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year.

from More Daily Encouragement for the Smart StepFamily