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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Understanding Submission for a Woman

‘Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.’ Proverbs 31:10(NLT)

‘She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.’ Proverbs 31:12(NLT)

‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:33(NLT)

‘You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges ; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.’ Philippians 2:5-8(NLT)

Men are in charge, and women are supposed to submit to them. It’s an age-old stereotype, isn’t it? Some have claimed this as Christian teaching. That is wrong. As we are learning, it is really a distortion of what the Bible says. It’s an abuse of Christian truth that ignores context and focuses on only a few isolated, misinterpreted phrases. Men and societies with an inflated sense of patriarchy have for centuries exploited Scripture to control women. 

The truth is that mutual submission is the background of our entire discussion of male and female roles. Both men and women look to God to say, “I’m going to submit to you and do life your way, according to your Word.” Then they turn to each other and say, “I’m going to seek your needs and your well-being above my own.” 

Marriage is never about establishing your own rights or telling your mate what he or she is supposed to do. God’s words to men are directed toward men, not toward women to use as a weapon against their men; and God’s words to women are directed toward women, not toward men to use as a weapon against their women. When each person takes the words directed specifically at them to heart, beautiful things happen. When we cross lines and direct those words at each other, we stir up conflict. 

The questions to ask your spouse are, “How can I make you more successful? How can I love you more deeply? How can I serve you well?” Those questions fit under the umbrella of mutual submission. We are given a vivid picture of it in Philippians 2:3–4: Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

This teaching is written to all members of the church at Philippi. In Christian thought, submission is not an exception or for one group of people; it is the norm. In fact, the following verses (Phil. 2:5–8) command us to have this other-centered attitude toward everyone just as Christ did. We, like Jesus, are to take up the role of servant, and applying this to the marriage relationship should not be surprising at all. 

The faith needed to submit to one another releases a powerful work of the Holy Spirit in our marriages. What is hardest for you to trust God with by submitting to your spouse?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Understanding Submission for a Man

‘Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?’ Proverbs 20:6(NLT)

‘For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”’ Mark 10:45(NLT)

‘Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.’ 1 Peter 5:8-9(NLT)

When we look at a picture of what a real man is, we see that genuine masculinity, as defined by God, does something life-changing in the people around us. It powerfully affects a man’s wife, his children, and his friends. They become better people just by being with him. And it’s never too late to become that kind of man. 

Redefining manhood in marriage and in the home always begins with mutual submission. That’s the umbrella concept covering the entire Ephesians 5 passage about relationships. Before Paul talks about the mystery of marriage and the roles of husbands and wives, he gives an instruction that precedes every other detail: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21). 

This is really important. It provides the context for statements that trip people up when they read them in isolation. The passages that follow Ephesians 5:21 explain roles not only for husbands and wives but also for parents and children and masters and servants (which we often apply today to the workplace). The overarching attitude must be a sense of walking with God and putting other people first. 

That alone should defuse a lot of the controversy surrounding the masculine and feminine roles Scripture describes for marriage. There are roles, but they are secondary to the context of mutual submission in the relationship. 

The most important question, then, is not about who does what but about what mutual submission actually looks like. What does it really mean? 

In the original Greek, the word “submit” that is used in this verse is hupotasso, and it is often used in a military context. It is a compound word: hupo meaning “under” and tasso meaning “to be in order or rank.” It is the opposite of self-assertion. It urges subjection or submission to one another. Another way to think of it is a mutual desire to get less than one’s due. 

When both partners are engaging in mutual submission, it becomes a contest to see who can outdo the other in love and good works. Think about what that means. What would it look like to be in a relationship with your mate in which, rather than each of you trying to get your way, each of you make it a goal to get less than your due in order to serve the other’s interests? That’s a different way to approach marriage than most people experience. 

How has your definition and understanding of submission expanded after reading today’s devotional?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

God’s Design for Marriage

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:21-33(NLT)

One of the clearest pictures of marriage is found in Ephesians 5:21–33, and it works for every married person, even for those who are coming out of a dysfunctional past. It tells us about the role of a husband and a wife, how they should relate to each other, and what the higher meaning of their union actually signifies. 

Still, this passage starts with a very unexpected statement: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). What is really important to keep in mind is that God’s instructions will not appear fair at first glance—until we realize the example He set for us and how the roles of husband and wife are both reflections of His extravagant love. 

First and foremost, each partner needs to understand that God is in charge of your marriage and that it should reflect His nature—His love, His concern, His radical sacrifice. It requires a selfless relationship because God is selfless. Marriage is not about fulfilling your own wants and needs; it’s about fulfilling someone else’s. If you enter into it thinking it’s about you and getting your needs met, you’re rejecting the design. We honor God and His design for marriage when we allow ourselves to be used by Him to love our spouse. This requires mutual submission to God and to each other.  And yes, it’s hard.

Second, marriage won’t work unless you learn how to love your mate not as you define love but as God defines it—and as your mate is designed to receive it. The sacrificial love evidenced in Ephesians 5 shapes our foundation for agape love. Agape love is choosing to give another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least, at great personal cost. 

Third, this passage assures us that marriage has an even bigger purpose than our own happiness. Our joy, pleasure, and fulfillment are important to God, but they are only lasting within a larger context. According to this passage, marriage is a picture of an eternal relationship between Christ and the church. That is the blueprint behind the blueprint of marriage and family. God designed family to be a stable environment for offspring and a fundamental unit of society, yes. But it flows out of the eternal relationship designed for Christ and His bride, the church. 

Most people identify a fulfilling marriage and family as something they want to experience in life.  In what areas do you find your marriage to be fulfilling? In what ways does it feel neglected?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

The Marriage God Wants for You

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

‘He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:20-24(NLT)

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12(NLT)

Best friends, passionate lovers, spiritual soul mates. That is the kind of marriage God wants for you and your mate. This is not hyperbole. It isn’t idealism. It’s a real possibility, regardless of where you and your spouse find yourselves. 

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t easy. It will require some knowledge that most people don’t have, some skills everyone can learn, and a lot of grace, which God promises to provide. It will also require setting aside some assumptions you’ve made about marriage, as well as mustering up the courage to honestly examine where your marriage is—and where you want it to be. 

Everyone has troubles; that’s just part of marriage. What you do with them makes the difference. The fundamental reason my wife and I are still together after more than four decades and have the kind of marriage I always dreamed of—still with normal struggles like every couple has—is that we learned God’s design for the marriage relationship and committed to follow it.  If you too are willing and committed, the kind of marriage I am speaking about—the kind of marriage God created for you—is completely possible. 

God has communicated what marriage is, how it works, the roles and responsibilities for husbands and wives, and why His instructions are so important. He did this not only for the sake of marriage but also for His larger, overarching plan to reveal Christ’s love to the world and His commitment to the church. That’s why our time together is so important this week and why your commitment to your marriage is essential.

In the days that follow, you will discover the power of making a covenant with your spouse. You will read some things that in today’s culture may be considered politically incorrect. But they are foundational for a husband loving his wife well and taking responsibility for his God-given assignment. You’ll read some challenging thoughts about how a wife must trust God and overcome fears of her husband’s inadequacies. Most of all, you will experience the beginnings of a spiritual, psychological, emotional, and physical oneness that you and your mate were both designed to enjoy. 

Pray and ask God to build a stronger, clearer picture of biblical marriage as you take steps in the direction He is leading you toward. And, as a place to start, just for this week, ask Him to help you set aside any unmet expectations in your marriage.

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

FAITH

‘So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”’ Deuteronomy 31:6(NLT)

Scripture: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” -Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV

Devotional: When people ask us how Tam and I have made it to where we are today, there is really only one answer: Jesus. Because of our faith in Jesus, we have seen miracles in our marriage. Because of our faith in him, we have been able to encourage one another through anything. 

I’ll never forget when our youngest child, Tia, turned two years old. She was sick, and at first, we thought she had a common cold. Despite our efforts she was not getting any better. Then her illness got worse, so we thought it was the flu. Her condition grew worse and worse, so we took her to the hospital. By that point we were scared. She was crying without tears, and she wasn’t urinating. Doctors evaluated her and said she had an infection and was severely dehydrated. Without immediate intervention she would die. These are words no mother or father should ever have to hear.

We looked at each other and agreed, “We’ve got to trust God.” The situation was out of our control, but God was in control. While Tia was in that hospital room, I prayed like never before. I believe God heard our prayers and healed our daughter.

I can’t stress enough how important prayer is to the health of anyone’s marriage. Prayer is the key to living a peaceful life with God. Prayer is the root of our communication with God. It is the way we connect to heaven. And when life seems impossible, the confidence we have is in this one undeniable truth: God hears us. God hears our cry, and God hears our needs. He has never stopped listening to us. Knowing that has helped us to get through the rough days when we just wanted to let it all go. A threefold cord is not easily broken. When God is in the middle of your marriage, and when you both are committed to developing a relationship with Christ, the two of you can survive any storm. You can overcome any obstacle. 

WILL YOU PRAY WITH US? 

Father, thank you for the gift of faith. Thank you for the gift of love. When belief is combined with compassion, the consequence is blessing after blessing after blessing. Help me to continue to believe in my spouse. Help me to love through thick and thin. You have been the unbreakable cord that has kept us together. Without you, we can do nothing. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS 

1.  Do I pray for my spouse daily? 

2.  Am I more inclined to try to get my spouse to do what I want, or do I take our issues to God in prayer? 

3.  When have you been successful in praying for something to change and it did? What were you doing during that time while you were praying? 

4.  Before I confront my spouse for something he/she isn’t doing right, have I allowed God to work on me?

from Us Against the World: Our Secrets to Love, Marriage, & Family by David & Tamela Mann

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

LAUGHING OUT LOUD

‘A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.’ Proverbs 17:22(NLT)

Scripture: “A joyful heart is good medicine.” – Proverbs 17:22a NIV

Devotional: If I had to sum up life with David, I’d say it’s all about LOL. We laugh out loud, and we love out loud. Truly, we have so much fun as a married couple! 

In our marriage we have discovered that sometimes the best counseling session for us is a big dose of laughter. Sometimes David and I don’t need to talk, we just need to laugh. Laughter is medicine to our souls. Laughter helps to break up the tough stuff. Laughter is one way to break the ice when things are feeling cold in the home. 

We have had so many opportunities to smile and laugh together over the years that it’s become a habit. I know every marriage works differently, but David promised me, a long time ago, that he would keep me smiling to keep me from crying. He never wanted us to get so serious about life that we forgot to laugh. Part of keeping marriage fresh means being willing to do silly things, take funny pictures, laugh until we cry, and enjoy each other’s company through every situation and in every circumstance. 

Many marriages suffer because they haven’t yet understood the importance of balancing the serious things in life with joy. We love the Lord, but we also know how to have fun. We know how to spend time with family, dance together, and share together, and then go and worship when it’s time to worship. To everything there is a season. Can you laugh out loud with your spouse and enjoy each other without any extra fanfare? It’s never too late to revive the laughter. The joy is worth it! I’m telling you—most of the things we argue about, we end up laughing over.

WILL YOU PRAY WITH US? 

God of compassion, God of love, you created love, joy, and laughter to remind us not to take life too seriously. Laughter is medicine for the soul, and we pray that you will help us to nurture a loving, peaceful marriage that brings joy in our home. Help us to be honest about our needs, and give us eyes only for each other. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS 

1.  How important is fun in your marriage on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being extremely important)? 

2.  When is the last time you and your spouse laughed together until you cried?

3.  What is the primary thing hindering you from having a fun, joy-filled marriage? What can you do to enhance the joy in your marriage?

from Us Against the World: Our Secrets to Love, Marriage, & Family by David & Tamela Mann

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

FRIENDSHIP

‘A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.’ Proverbs 17:17(NLT)

Scripture: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” -Proverbs 17:17 NIV

Devotional: Tam and I met when we were both nineteen years old. We didn’t know much about life when we met one another, but before we decided to date, we were ride-or-die friends. During those friendship years, we got a chance to teach each other. There was no pressure to pretend or act like something we weren’t, because, as friends, we just wanted to do life together—no strings attached. Your friendship should be the thing your relationship is built on so that you have something solid to fall back on. Because one day your spouse will not just need their husband or wife . . . they will need their friend.

As Christians, we build our marriage on our faith—our Lord and Savior— first and foremost. But directly after that, it’s all about our friendship. Marriage has shown us that there is, indeed, a friend that sticks closer than a brother. We see each other overwhelmed and afraid, and we still choose to love each other. 

Tam has stood in my corner on my worst days, and she still loves me. If we are eating a meal from the dollar menu of a fast-food restaurant or in the banquet hall of the White House, my friend is there with me. If we are walking the streets of a new country or feeding the poor, my friend is there with me. When Tam buried her mom and sang at her loved ones’ funerals, her friend was there. I love the whole person that I see when I see Tamela Mann. And she loves the whole person that she sees when she sees me. If she hurts my feelings or if I disappoint her, we have learned how to get through it together because a friend who loves is a friend who forgives. 

WILL YOU PRAY WITH US?

Father, help us to see each other the way you see us. You forgave us while we were at our worst. Give us the grace to forgive each other until we reach our best. We can’t do this without you. We love you and we love each other. Show us the big picture. Reveal the root to every issue. Thank you for our friendship. Thank you for my spouse, who reminds me that there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. When we feel overwhelmed, remind us of our never-ending bond and love for each other. Help us to remember the memories that brought us together and not the mistakes that tore us apart. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1.  What do you love the most about your friend (spouse)? What do you admire the most about your friend?

2.  Recall a memory that constantly reminds you of the beauty of your friendship with your spouse.

3.  What can you do to revive the friendship in your marriage? Develop a plan and work on it together.

from Us Against the World: Our Secrets to Love, Marriage, & Family by David & Tamela Mann

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

MISSION

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’ Ephesians 5:21(NLT)

Scripture: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” -Ephesians 5:21 NIV

Devotional: David and David Jr. love to watch football. They know what it’s like to see the coach giving a play to his quarterback, but when the quarterback starts the play, he calls an audible and does his own thing. In my opinion marriage will never work if spouses are always calling audibles. The beauty of marriage is accountability and partnership. Cooperation is the highest form of marital partnership. When we cooperate, we are willing to submit to our spouse and our spouse is willing to submit to us. Quite simply, cooperation cannot happen without submission. 

Eek! There goes that word—submission. Where I grew up, the preacher would talk about submission, and to me it always sounded like women were only supposed to do what their husbands told them to do. That didn’t sound like marriage to me; it sounded like slavery. But when I began to read the Scriptures for myself, and most importantly, when I fell in love with David Mann, submission became an easier concept to understand. See, Ephesians 5:22 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” But one verse above that says, “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (v. 21, emphasis added). I now understand that marriage isn’t only about wives submitting to husbands. Marriage is about both husband and wife submitting to each other. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. When we submit to each other, we help the world see the love Christ has for his church. 

If submission means to get under a mission, then what is the mission that you and your spouse can submit to, or get under, in order to bring your family into a fruitful life? Your mission doesn’t have to be a long statement, but every family should have a goal by which they live. Every family should have a standard that they aim to reach toward. No one will get it perfect all the time, but the goal is a marker that helps you to stay focused on one another. 

WILL YOU PRAY WITH US? 

Creator of all things, in the beginning you made the heavens and the earth. You spoke the world into existence, and everything you created had a purpose. As you continue to show us the purpose of our marriage, help us to collaborate and cooperate with each other. Remove any competition between us. Restore our joy and reconnect us to the things that give our marriage meaning. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS 

1.  Do you have a mission for your marriage? If so, write it below. If not, create one below. 

2.  What are your thoughts about healthy competition in your marriage? Do you enjoy competing with each other to show love or to give affection? Why or why not? 

3.  On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your ability to work together with your spouse? 

from Us Against the World: Our Secrets to Love, Marriage, & Family by David & Tamela Mann

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

COLLABORATION

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. ‘ Ecclesiastes 4:9(NLT)

Scripture: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.” -Ecclesiastes 4:9 NIV

Devotional: For all these years Tam and I have been putting our minds together and working through life’s hurdles and challenges. Rarely do you see one of us without the other. Our mind-set is: if we started as a team, then we will finish as a team. The only way to win is as a team. I don’t make any major decisions without her input, and she doesn’t make any major decisions without my input. I trust her perspective and she trusts mine. But this kind of collaboration doesn’t happen overnight. It grows once you commit to working on the same team. We have to be willing to say no to our independent agenda and say yes to us working together. 

Marriage is not about you. It is about bringing life to others, starting with your spouse. 

A good marriage doesn’t just happen by accident; it happens on purpose. Every single time I talk to Tam, I have to decide to speak lovingly. Every time there is a disagreement, I have to choose to love anyway. Many people get the impression that a good marriage has to be an easy marriage. But that’s not true. Nobody’s marriage stays together because the people are perfect. Nobody’s marriage stays together because they always agree. Marriages that weather the storm do so because they decided, “We started as a team; we are going to end as a team.” 

WILL YOU PRAY WITH US? 

Lord God, you designed our marriage for a purpose. You knew the end of our story before we were born. You created us to be an answer to a problem in the world. Reveal your will for our marriage. Show us the purpose of our union. Anything that may disrupt our peace or compromise our collaboration, please remove it. We desire to please you and want to work together as a team. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS 

1.  What gifts do you as a married couple bring to the world? What problem does your marriage seek to answer? 

2.  What ministry do you have together? What passions do you share? 

3.  How can you better collaborate with your spouse? How can you work together to bring out the best in each other? 

4.  Who have been models of healthy marriage for you? How have they impacted your marriage, and what aspects do you see in their marriage that you would like to see better incorporated into your marriage? 

from Us Against the World: Our Secrets to Love, Marriage, & Family by David & Tamela Mann

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

COMPASSION

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ‘ Colossians 3:12(NLT)

Scripture: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” -Colossians 3:12 NIV

Devotional: One of the biggest lessons we’ve learned as a couple is how to say three simple words to each other as often as possible: I love you. You’re getting on my nerves, but I love you. You just hurt my feelings, but I love you. I promise that if you can learn to incorporate these words into your marriage regularly, you’ll make it through anything. But love is what love does. If love doesn’t give, it isn’t love. If love doesn’t sacrifice, it isn’t love.

Our marriage hasn’t been perfect, and many times we have made mistakes along the way, but our compassion for one another is the glue that holds us together. Genuine concern for the other person and the ability to put ourselves in their shoes has helped us to endure the hard times and enjoy the good times. When I think about my love for Tam, the Scripture that comes to mind is 1 Corinthians 13:4–7. We use these verses as the litmus test to make sure we are loving one another the way God wants us to love. 

Love is patient, love is kind It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (NIV, emphasis added).

WILL YOU PRAY WITH US? 

God of love, your love is unconditional. Your compassion never fails. Help me love my spouse the way you love me. Help me love with patience, understanding, selflessness, and long-suffering. Help me support and affirm my spouse as often as possible. Allow our love tanks to be filled by one another on a consistent basis. Teach us to love one another the way the Scriptures tell us to love. We want to reflect your heart. We want to grow deeper in love with one another. We can’t do this without you. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS 

1.  How often do you tell your spouse, “I love you”? How often does your spouse tell you that they love you? 

2.  Do you wish your spouse was more expressive with their love? If so, share it with them.

3.  Ask your spouse, “Am I loving you the way you need to be loved?” Wait for an honest answer. Take note of what they say and how they feel, and try your best not to invalidate their feelings. 

from Us Against the World: Our Secrets to Love, Marriage, & Family by David & Tamela Mann