‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.’ Genesis 2:18-25(NLT)
‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)
Scripture: Genesis 2:18–25; Ephesians 4:32
In marriage there are at least two ways we feel alone. The first is being emotionally disconnected (i.e., you feel more like roommates than husband and wife). The second is struggling on your own with sin, shame, fear, or anxiety.
Either we can include our spouse in our struggles by sharing how we are feeling alone, or we can resist sharing about our struggles because:
a) we haven’t come to the point yet of admitting that we need help, or
b) we’re afraid of the devastation our honesty is going to bring.
So, what do we do?
Our fallen nature would have us hide, isolate ourselves, and continue indulging in our sin because deep down we believe we can change our behavior or find a way through the struggle on our own and in a way that softens the blow.
But the worst thing we can do as Christians who are married is to ignore our struggles and bury ourselves in screens, in careers, in parenthood, or in other ways. We may not necessarily be experiencing isolation in those areas, but if we run to them when we feel vulnerable, then they are at the very least signposts along the path toward isolation.
One of the ways the two of us try to be transparent in our marriage is to give each other a heads-up when we would like to set aside time to talk about something. For us, that is code for, “I need to talk openly and honestly about a few things that I have been struggling with, and I need you to prepare your heart and not react emotionally.” This kind of planning helps us express our emotions without letting them dictate the conversation. It also helps us prepare to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).
Having honest conversations about things we are struggling with in marriage tends to put couples on the defensive. It doesn’t have to. Talk about what you need to talk about so that each of you has time to prepare your heart. This goes a long way in diffusing your otherwise typical emotional reactions.
What is one hard thing you and your spouse need to talk about? What step could you take to set up that conversation ahead of time?
from See-Through Marriage by Ryan and Selena Frederick