‘From then on Jesus began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day he would be raised from the dead. But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him for saying such things. “Heaven forbid, Lord,” he said. “This will never happen to you!” Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Get away from me, Satan! You are a dangerous trap to me. You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.” Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. ‘ Matthew 16:21-24(NLT)
‘So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.’ Galatians 5:1(NLT)
‘So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free. ‘ John 8:36(NLT)
‘So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” ‘ Romans 8:15(NLT)
‘For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. ‘ 2 Corinthians 3:17(NLT)
‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. ‘ Galatians 5:13(NLT)
Controlling people, critical people, needy people, hypocritical people—why do we feel like they’re real-life vampires? Maybe because they kind of are!
Think about it. If relationships with these people can suck the life out of you, then … okay, you get it.
But, wait. In science, when one organism harmfully takes from another without returning benefit, it’s called a parasitic relationship. Yes, it’s unfair and uneven, but it’s still called a relationship. See where this is going? A relationship takes two. One is taking and the other is somehow giving.
It’s no different in a controlling relationship. One person is taking something while the other person is allowing something.
This may sound simple, but it can be so confusing and painful when you’re in the middle of it. Someone makes all the decisions or takes all the opportunity. No matter how much you give, it’s not enough. Maybe it’s sex, power, money, or guilt they use to get their way. Maybe they do everything for everyone around them because they want things to be done “right,” not realizing how this belittles others’ contributions. Perhaps they’re the spouse or boss who speaks mostly in passive-aggressive, or just straight-up aggressive threats. Or maybe like most of us, you can sometimes be a control freak.
Okay, stop right here. Take a minute to breathe and pray.
Jesus, will You lovingly show me the relationships where I’m unhealthily taking something or allowing something? Will You give me the strength and courage to take steps toward healing and freedom? Will You replace my need to control or please others, with Your love, confidence, and freedom? Amen.
Are you a controller? Ask some people you trust for help. Remember how God does some of His most amazing work through relationships? Tell your spouse, friends, and think seriously about talking with a counselor. You probably have some pain God wants to heal. It’s possible you spent some hurtful time being controlled yourself.
Are you an “allower”? Tell some people who are consistently life-giving and trustworthy. If you’re in a safe situation with the person who is controlling, talk to them about it and create some boundaries with them. If it makes sense, involve someone else in the conversation. If you’re experiencing physical or emotional abuse, tell a safe person like a counselor, pastor, or an authority right away.
Memorize this for when you need it: It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
from Relational Vampires