Month: October 2020

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1st Marriage ZZ

“Contract Vs. Covenant”

‘For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:22-33(NLT)

‘Look, it is Solomon’s carriage, surrounded by sixty heroic men, the best of Israel’s soldiers. They are all skilled swordsmen, experienced warriors. Each wears a sword on his thigh, ready to defend the king against an attack in the night.’ Song of Songs 3:7-8(NLT)

In the covenant of marriage, husband and wife give themselves to each other. It’s not fifty-fifty; it’s one hundred-one hundred. At any given time either spouse won’t have 100 percent to give, but this does not diminish the other’s commitment because they are not in a contract but a covenant. As in the covenant of grace initiated by God to save sinners, one party can give 100 percent even if the other gives nothing.

In a gospel-centered marriage, you give yourself to your spouse regardless of the goods or the services because that’s what true love is and because that’s what glorifies God.

If everything goes great and you find out as you start your life together that the marriage is exactly what you expected, you’re in. But if you’re like very other normal human being and things get a little problematic, and you find out you married a sinner who’s got some crazy he or she was hiding away, you’re still in.

This is why biblical marriage is so serious—and why divorce is so serious. Ephesians 5 helps us see the weight of the glory of the gospel. Submission is weighty. Sacrifice is weighty. They are weighty like the good news of Jesus Christ is weighty. They are as heavy as the cross.

And in forgiving and loving our sinful spouse, we begin to understand on a much smaller scale what it meant for our holy God to forgive and redeem us.

God’s relationship to the church is not contractual; it’s covenantal. And what’s mind-blowing about God’s covenantal love toward the church is that God fulfills the obligations of both parties! God has put on my life the command that I am to love my wife, Lauren, as Christ loved the church. That is God’s command on my life—regardless of whether or not she reciprocates that love. I don’t love her as Christ loved the church in order to get something from her; I love her that way because that is what God has commanded me to do, and that’s the way he has loved me.

* What is the difference between a contract and a covenant? Do you show this one-way, unconditional, covenantal love to your spouse? What steps can you take to show more of this type of love?

from The Mingling Of Souls by Matt Chandler

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

The Beats to Your Marriage Story

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

‘God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. ‘ 1 John 4:9(NLT)

‘When Jesus had tasted it, he said, “It is finished!” Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.’ John 19:30(NLT)

‘For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.’ Romans 6:4(NLT)

‘He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. ‘ Ephesians 1:7(NLT)

‘And when he comes, he will open the eyes of the blind and unplug the ears of the deaf.’ Isaiah 35:5(NLT)

‘So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.’ Galatians 5:1(NLT)

In our first lesson, we shared how your marriage is a story. It’s one authored by God. 

Then in the second lesson, you learned that to craft a good marriage story, one should reflect the Gospel. 

Today we’re going to answer the question: how do you do that?

Here’s the answer: by taking a page from the writers of Hollywood blockbusters. Those experienced storytellers break down their scripts into “beats.” 

Many amazing stories share the same “beats” while having little else in common. For example, Harry Potter and Star Wars are two different, but popular, films. But writers often say that these two movies hit the same “beats.” And that by doing so, both have tapped into something that touches the world. 

So what are these critical “beats” your marriage story should hit to be a great story?

Let’s go through an abbreviated retelling of the Gospel to uncover seven of them: 

This love story between mankind and God begins as the perfect relationship.

However, humans disobey, ignore, and betray God over and over, damaging the once-perfect union.

Despite this, God forgives. Forgiveness is one of the critical beats of a love story. 

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

1 John‬ ‭1:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

God seeks to restore the broken relationship from eternal separation. To do so, He sends his son on a great Adventure (second beat): to save the world. 

“In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.”

1 John‬ ‭4:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Despite Jesus’ efforts to bring people the truth, mankind does not believe him. As a result, the rulers of the day murder him. For many, his Death (third beat) means all is lost. 

When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

John 19:30

However, three days later, his Resurrection (fourth beat) proves that Jesus has the power to bring life to a dead relationship.

We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

Romans 6:4

Because he overcame death, Jesus paid down man’s debt to God. The Redemption (fifth beat) of mankind has been completed. 

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,

Ephesians 1:7

As a result of this miracle, some people have a Revelation (sixth beat) that changes their life: this is what true love looks like. 

Then the eyes of the blind will be opened

And the ears of the deaf will be unstopped.

Isaiah 35:5

With their eyes opened and their spirits reborn, they experience Freedom (seventh beat) from self-condemnation and religious bondage.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

Each one of these seven beats is a key story point in the Gospel. 

But they can also show up in your own marriage story.

When you can unearth those and tell them as part of your marriage, your marriage gains strength, meaning, and purpose.

from Your Marriage Story

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

How Should You Model Your Marriage Story?

‘All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.’ 2 Timothy 3:16-17(NLT)

‘This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:32-33(NLT)

If you do see your marriage as a story, as we learned in the previous lesson, the next likely question is the following: what makes for a good marriage story?

After all, some stories are good: you want to retell them, you want to reread or rewatch them. 

Some stories aren’t so good: reading or watching feels like a waste of time. Some are so bad you want to walk away in the middle.

Isn’t this similar to marriage? 

How, then, can you make sure your marriage is a good story?

Imagine the following: you’re about to board an all-day flight and can choose one of two books to bring. The first book was written by someone who studied the best stories in history, learned what were the key elements that made those stories so great. The second book was written by someone who was just winging it and has never even read a great story.

Which book would you bring on your flight? 

Most likely, you’d prefer the book written by a writer who read, studied, and appreciates good stories.

Couldn’t the same apply to your marriage story? That if you want a good marriage story, you should at least know of a good love story you can reference and study? 

Thankfully, the Bible is not just a love story, it’s a great love story. It’s not just one where the characters fall in love.

It’s a story where the readers, themselves, fall in love. 

In fact, the Scriptures liken the Gospel to a marriage. When Paul refers to Christ’s sacrifice for the church, he compares it to a husband’s love for his wife. 

“This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Ephesians‬ ‭5:32-33‬ ‭ESV‬‬

We know that, in principle, the Gospel and all of the Scriptures have the power to shape the arc of our life. God, himself, is able to “rewrite the text of your life.” 

But how exactly does your marriage story retell this love story of the Bible? 

The way to do this is to borrow a technique used by screenwriters of blockbuster movies. 

Find out how in the next lesson. 

Questions:

  1. If you had to describe the Bible as a “love story,” what would you say?
  2. Why would someone have a marriage not modeled after a great love story?
  3. What could such a marriage look like?

from Your Marriage Story

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Your Marriage is a Story

‘You killed the author of life, but God raised him from the dead. And we are witnesses of this fact!’ Acts of the Apostles 3:15(NLT)

‘The only letter of recommendation we need is you yourselves. Your lives are a letter written in our hearts; everyone can read it and recognize our good work among you. Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts.’ 2(NLT)

‘The Lord rewarded me for doing right; he restored me because of my innocence. For I have kept the ways of the Lord ; I have not turned from my God to follow evil. I have followed all his regulations; I have never abandoned his decrees. I am blameless before God; I have kept myself from sin. The Lord rewarded me for doing right. He has seen my innocence.’ Psalms 18:20-24(NLT)

Whether you’re still dating or have been married for decades, you are in a story. 

In particular, you’re in your marriage story. 

That may seem like a strange idea. But our lives are, in fact, a “text.” God is referred to as the author of your life. 

“and you killed the Author of life, whom God raised from the dead. To this we are witnesses.” (Acts‬ ‭3:15‬ ‭ESV‬‬)

Paul refers to life as a “letter…written on our hearts.” 

“You yourselves are our letter of recommendation, written on our hearts, to be known and read by all. And you show that you are a letter from Christ delivered by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.” (‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭3:2-3‬ ‭ESV‬‬)

But think for a moment: what kind of written word has real impact? What is it that touches people’s hearts? 

When you want to share important moments about yourself with someone else, you probably don’t call it your “life letter.” You call it your “life story.”

So when you see your life as something that God has a hand on — whether it is the “text of your life” or the “book of your heart” — the most vivid way to think about it is as a story.

“GOD made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to GOD ’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. GOD rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.” (‭Psalm‬ ‭18:20-24‬ ‭MSG‬‬)

So if your life is part of a story, it means your marriage is also a story. 

Many couples focus on their engagement story. After all, isn’t that one of the most common questions asked, “How did you meet? How did he or you propose?”

But if the stories you tell others and each other before you get married are important, shouldn’t the story of your marriage be just as meaningful and rich?

If this is true, then every married couple should invest in knowing the difference between a good story and a bad story.

In the next lesson, we’ll look at that very thing.

Questions:

  1. How would you describe your current “marriage story” right now?
  2. If you were to be asked what makes for a “good” marriage story, what do you think the important elements should be?

from Your Marriage Story

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1st Marriage ZZ

Theology of Marriage

‘So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.’ Genesis 2:21-25(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NLT)

Here it is! The final day of our twelve essential building blocks to a love that lasts! And we’re closing it out with a bit of a curveball: what is your theology of marriage?

 

Marriage is about so many different things – that’s why books and books and books have been written about it in the past and will be written about it in the future until Jesus returns. Marriage is a multi-faceted jewel that illuminates our world.

 

But when it all comes down to it, you and your spouse have to have a coherent theology of marriage. You have to understand that, like we read in our passages today, marriage is about both knowing someone and being known by them.

 

It’s about being completely and entirely in love with the whole person, not just the parts you like.

 

It’s about finding your true self in being “naked and unashamed” with one another. Knowing that, no matter what, you can be who you truly are with them and they will love you all the more for it.

 

That’s the kind of love God has for us – and it’s the kind of love that forms a marriage. That’s the kind of love that lasts. 

from 12 Days To A Love That Lasts

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1st Marriage ZZ

Addiction

‘Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.’ Isaiah 40:28-31(NLT)

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ‘ Philippians 4:8(NLT)

We’re almost through this reading plan, and we’ve finally come upon a topic that has stolen so many marriages:

 

Addiction.

 

The thing with addiction is that it’s incredibly complex. As much as we’d just love to pray and believe on behalf of our addicted spouses, there are no easy solutions in this arena.

 

Addiction is overcome through a complex process of admission, accountability, discipleship, and daily perseverance, and it almost always requires professional counseling.

 

The good news is that addiction can be overcome, and marriages that have been decimated by it can be rebuilt even more strongly than before. It takes a lot of work, as well as daily shovels full of grace toward one another, but it can be done.

 

You can’t find a love that lasts alongside someone who’s still wallowing in their addiction – but you can find one with an addict. That’s good news.  

from 12 Days To A Love That Lasts 

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1st Marriage ZZ

Trust

‘My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart. If you do this, you will live many years, and your life will be satisfying. Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart. Then you will find favor with both God and people, and you will earn a good reputation. Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:1-6(NLT)

‘“If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities. And if you are untrustworthy about worldly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven? And if you are not faithful with other people’s things, why should you be trusted with things of your own?’ Luke 16:10-12(NLT)

Today is all about trust.

 

This is a biggie.

 

The passage we read from Luke is often one you hear read aloud when it’s time to collect the offering at church, but while it can apply to one’s possessions, it can also apply to your spouse’s heart.

 

Namely: if you’re trustworthy in the little, day to day things, then you’re showing them that you can be trusted in the bigger things.

 

Just like your marriage itself, trust is built over time. The more trustworthy you show yourself to be, the more your spouse will trust you with more and more of their heart.

 

You want a love that lasts? Build it on trust. Slowly, daily, year after year. That’s the kind of love that can last a lifetime.

from 12 Days To A Love That Lasts

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1st Marriage ZZ

Boundaries

‘“The Lord formed me from the beginning, before he created anything else. I was appointed in ages past, at the very first, before the earth began. I was born before the oceans were created, before the springs bubbled forth their waters. Before the mountains were formed, before the hills, I was born— before he had made the earth and fields and the first handfuls of soil. I was there when he established the heavens, when he drew the horizon on the oceans. I was there when he set the clouds above, when he established springs deep in the earth. I was there when he set the limits of the seas, so they would not spread beyond their boundaries. And when he marked off the earth’s foundations,’ Proverbs 8:22-29(NLT)

‘Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.’ Romans 12:4-8(NLT)

We’re two-thirds of the way through our reading and now it’s time to focus in on something we’ve already talked around: boundaries.

 

We know we all have different gifts, all of which are given to us by God. Respecting one another’s boundaries is really just a way to honor those gifts. To understand that, while we want unity in our marriages, we don’t want lock-step conformity.

 

This also gets back to the idea of rhythms that we talked about a few days ago. Just like we each have our own rhythms, we also have our own interests and responsibilities – and those don’t always line up with those of our spouse.

 

That’s okay!

 

It’s not your job to turn your spouse into another version of you. It’s your job to celebrate them for who they are – all of it. Just like today’s passage from Proverbs, where we read from the point of view of wisdom personified, we understand that boundaries lead to beauty.

 

And beauty is a key part of a love that lasts.

from 12 Days To A Love That Lasts

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1st Marriage ZZ

Faith

‘How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony! For harmony is as precious as the anointing oil that was poured over Aaron’s head, that ran down his beard and onto the border of his robe. Harmony is as refreshing as the dew from Mount Hermon that falls on the mountains of Zion. And there the Lord has pronounced his blessing, even life everlasting.’ Psalms 133:1-3(NLT)

‘“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me. “I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. ‘ John 17:20-23(NLT)

We’re more than halfway through this scripture plan and we’ve come to what may be the most impactful day yet:

 

We’re talking about faith.

 

Not just the act of faith, which is often just something we say when we’re talking about believing that God will act on our behalf. No, we’re talking about your actual faith – what you believe about God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, scripture, church… all of it.

 

Faith is meant to be a major unifier, but all too often in a marriage it can wind up becoming divisive. We can very easily lose sight of the basics and get caught up in arguments about what are actually minor things.

 

This is what you must guard against in your marriage. A German theologian in the 1600s famously wrote that Christians should have, “Unity in what is essential, liberty in nonessentials, and in all things charity.”

 

This is a good way to approach faith in your marriage. Agree on the basics, let the minor things alone, and treat every aspect of your relationship with charity.

 

This is how you build a love that lasts – by building it on a strong faith foundation that holds the important things tightly and everything else loosely.

from 12 Days To A Love That Lasts

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

Rhythms

‘For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.’ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8(NLT)

‘And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ‘ Romans 8:26-28(NLT)

Rhythm is something that’s built right into creation. We see that in the well-worn passage from Ecclesiastes we read today: there’s a time and a season for everything. We can’t be doing everything all the time with no breaks – that’s a recipe for burnout.

 

The (sometimes) frustrating thing is: rhythm is also something that’s built into each of us as well. We all have our individual rhythms, the ways we like to go about living our lives, and working with the rhythms of the world, of the body, of the mind, and of the spirit is necessary in order to function properly.

 

So then what do you do if you and your spouse have different rhythms?

 

It’s so tricky! But that’s one of the many reasons why we have the Holy Spirit, because He can help us in submitting to one another, even when we don’t understand them or their rhythms.

 

Understanding that we have rhythms is the first key in finding ways to make those rhythms line up with one another so that we can find unity and build a love that lasts. So embrace your spouse’s rhythms and then work to find ways to line them up with yours.

from 12 Days To A Love That Lasts