Month: October 2020

Home improvement goal:

Clear up confusion.

Home improvement tool:

Improve communication.

We can have beautiful sinks and faucets, but if our pipes are clogged or leaky, we’ve got problems. Best-case scenario, we’ve got annoying backups or dripping sounds; worst-case scenario, we’ve got corrosion or water damage.

Because communication is similar to the pipes in our homes, when I talk with couples and families about home improvement, I ask, “Are your lines of communication clear, clogged, or leaky?”

Clear lines of communication are those in which people avoid confusion by listening to understand and responding in supportive ways, especially in tense situations. Anyone can listen and be positive in easy situations, but the tense situations are the truer test of our communication skills and commitment to supportive, relationship-building communication.

Examining your own communication strengths and weaknesses and then working to improve those is a good way of leading by example in your family.

What are your communication strengths and weaknesses? How did you develop those strengths and minimize your weaknesses? You might enlist your loved ones to help you identify what your communication strengths and weaknesses are. Ask them, “What do I do to show you that I’m listening?” “What is something you wish I did more of to show you that I care when you’re talking to me?” “Is there something I do or say that gets on your nerves?”

Thankfully, whatever your communication weaknesses are, that’s not the end of the story. We all can and should continually “rewrite” our stories to improve on the old and incorporate new and improved communication habits. And that’s how you do it yourself! 

from The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts

‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:31-32(NLT)

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

Home improvement goal:

Reduce resentment.

Home improvement tool:

Choose forgiveness.

Resentment is a strong word. It’s close in meaning to hatred and often involves long-standing bitterness, or grudge holding, because of a wrong we feel has been done to us.

A few of you just read that definition and think, “That’s not our home. I’ll just skim this chapter and move on.” But I’ve found as a counselor that more homes are wrecked by resentment than you might expect.

In fact, resentment sometimes sneaks into our relationships before we’re even aware it’s happening. And then, after time passes, we more clearly see and feel the damage it leaves in its wake.

Termites and other wood-destroying pests do the same thing. They set in unnoticed and steadily damage the foundation of our houses. Water damage and ground settling have a similar effect—they all in time can cause shifts in our foundation, which can lead to uneven floors, cracks in the walls, and doors and windows that don’t shut quite right. Those are visible effects of literal foundation damage.

Not one of us is perfect. We will fail each other in little and big ways. Accepting this reality is an important starting place for cultivating a spirit of forgiveness at home.

In practical terms, we first choose an attitude of forgiveness when faced with the “small stuff.” I call this “forbearance” or patience with the things that bug us about the other person. I’m talking about the way they leave hairs in the bathroom sink, the fact that they fail to hang up their clothes, or the way they load the dishwasher. It should be easy to overlook the small stuff in life, right? No, it’s not easy. Often we resent the fact that our spouse does not do things our way.

We must accept the reality that harboring resentment is not going to bring change. Apology and forgiveness is a much more powerful home improvement tool that will bring the change we long for.

from The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts

‘God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.’ Matthew 5:9(NLT)

‘“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.’ Matthew 7:12(NLT)

‘Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.’ Romans 12:17-18(NLT)

Home improvement goal:

Negotiate conflict.

Home improvement tool:

Seek compromise.

Conflict is inevitable simply because we are humans. We have different thoughts, feelings, preferences and opinions. The key to family harmony is learning to negotiate conflicts without damaging our relationship. This is where the home improvement tool of compromise is so helpful.

Why compromise?

“I’m tired of fighting.” This statement is one that Shannon and I frequently hear in counseling. That sentiment is also a top reason people are willing, or should be willing, to consider compromise as a valuable home improvement tool. If you’re tired of fighting, at some point you have to learn to compromise.

Some people are naturally good at compromise. They may have grown up with positive role models who demonstrated healthy compromise habits, or they may have learned through their own trial and error that compromise was the way to go. Other people compromise too much, meaning they give everyone else their way simply to avoid an argument. Still other people rarely compromise. They’re more of the “my way or the highway” kind of people.

How are you at compromise? Are you doing well and don’t need to make any changes? If so, congratulations on already having the tool of compromise in your relationship toolbox! Make that work for you as you lead your family in the art of compromise.

If you need to step up your efforts at compromise, what will you do to take action? As you already know, we have to be assertive with our home improvement efforts—it is truly a do-it-yourself project. Why? Because, unlike installing new carpet, we can’t hire someone else to come in and change our attitude or cause us to view conflict as a step rather than a pest—we have to do this work for ourselves. 

from The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts

‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-7(NLT)

Home improvement goal: 

Remove apathy.

Home improvement tool:

Cultivate love.

We don’t typically mean to be apathetic or uncaring. In fact, many people I work with think they are being loving. However, their loved ones feel unloved and uncared for. How can this be? How can one person think they’re communicating love while the other person feels unloved? It’s almost as if they’re speaking two different languages!

Karolyn and I encountered this miscommunication problem early in our marriage, and I recognized this same problem for so many other couples I counseled. From those experiences came my book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, which has since sold millions of copies worldwide, demonstrating that people want and need to express heartfelt love to one another. Let me share a brief overview of the five love languages concept.

The five love languages are five ways to express love emotionally.

Words of Affirmation—The words may focus on how they look, something they did for you, their personality, or anything you admire about them.

Receiving Gifts—The gifts need not be expensive. The gift says, “They were thinking about me.”

Quality Time—Giving the person your undivided attention. It may involve extended conversations or doing a project together.

Acts of Service—Doing something you know they would like for you to do, such as washing dishes, vacuuming the floors, or helping a child with a project.

Physical Touch—Hugs, kisses, high fives, etc.

Imagine treating each other with the love of 1 Corinthians 13. In fact, why not let this be your family’s blueprint for increasing love at home? The passage defines love in a clear and thorough way. There are no mixed messages, and there are no unrealistic conditions about what we should or shouldn’t do to be loving. No! Instead, this classic statement brings together everything good we’ve ever learned about love. It stretches us to be our best to each other, and that is when love flourishes.

from The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts

‘And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.’ Colossians 3:15(NLT)

‘Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ‘ Philippians 4:6(NLT)

‘Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. ‘ 1 Peter 4:8(NLT)

Home Improvement Goal:

Decrease disrespect.

Home Improvement Tool:

Increase gratitude.

The wear and tear of disrespecting our loved one does great damage over time in our relationships. To protect and improve these relationships, we need to care for and appreciate our loved ones like we care for and appreciate new floors. With this in mind, I invite you to add the home improvement tool of gratitude to your toolbox.

Why gratitude?

You already know the positive potential for gratitude if you had the good fortune of growing up in an encouraging, supportive family. Your family was grateful for you, and you, in turn, were grateful for them. Because of that foundation, now as a married person and/or parent, you likely naturally want to convey and encourage a similar gratitude in your own home life.

If you didn’t grow up in a family that valued you, you likely longed then and may still long now to be cared for and appreciated. You missed out on an important foundation for positive relationships, but you desire home improvement, so you hope and work to create positive relationships with your spouse and children. Gratitude is a hallmark of positive relationships.

You may be saying about now, “Gary, you’re out of touch with reality. Families disagree and argue. We don’t always see eye to eye.” Right! We will never have the same thoughts, feelings, or perspectives. We have different personality types, approaches to life, and communication styles. But as much as we know this to be true, families can learn to respect their differences. Instead, we often battle with each other to “win” arguments or to change another person’s point of view. In the process of fighting for our rights and viewpoints, we end up disrespecting the rights and viewpoints of others. That’s where gratitude comes into play. The more gratitude or appreciation we feel for each other, the less disrespect we’re likely to experience.

from The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4(NLT)

‘For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.’ James 3:16(NLT)

Home Improvement Goal: 

Demolish Selfishness

Home Improvement Tool:

Build Kindness

Selfishness in the family makes us feel cramped for space and time. We can’t touch each other’s stuff without backlash. We may be criticized if we want or take time to ourselves. Or we may fail to understand or offer help to each other when that help could go a long way in easing another’s stress. Although the physical space issues that necessitate sharing can be annoying, the selfish attitudes behind the backlash, criticism, or lack of understanding can be even more frustrating.

We hear about this all the time as we counsel families. Nearly everyone would like to build a family less selfish and more kind. 

Why kindness? 

You’ve been kind throughout your life, so you know what kindness is. It’s making sure your spouse has his or her favorite peanut butter as opposed to buying the cheaper brand you’d prefer to buy; it’s listening to your spouse or child vent when you’d prefer to be reading your magazine or taking a nap; and it’s giving up watching your favorite home improvement television show so that you can spend time with your child who wants to watch SpongeBob.

Why are you kind? Why did someone else’s consideration of you matter? I believe the answer is the same for both questions—consideration makes people feel like their needs matter. We want our loved ones to know their needs matter to us, and we want to know that our needs matter to them. Selfishness, on the other hand, conveys the opposite—that our needs are more important than their needs. Just as no physical home is perfect, no home life is perfect. We’re human, so we know to expect some selfishness. But the less selfishness and the more kindness, the better!

from The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts