Month: September 2020

‘For he has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy. He has not turned his back on them, but has listened to their cries for help.’ Psalms 22:24(NLT)

Scripture: Psalm 22:24

Abusers need secrecy to cloak their actions and their dual lives. They are Mr. Wonderful in the public eye but Mr. Monster at home. 

In my own life, I was enamored with Ben’s “good side.” But his other side was gruff, entitled, dangerous, and desensitized. This dual nature threw me into a tailspin that lasted for years. 

Looking back, I realize I too was living a dual life. I appeared all put together, and I felt enormous pressure to keep everything going for the sake of our family. On the outside, I came across as confident and strong, when, in fact, my private world was an entirely different story. The secret allowed me to keep this façade going. And I believed that if I could keep it going long enough, it would eventually become reality. 

But the biggest reason I kept the secret for so many years? I loved him. I didn’t want people to think badly of him. I believed that I could work on the marriage privately and not damage our reputation. The fact is the abuse continued to happen over and over again. 

Breaking the silence is key to interrupting the cycle. It opens a world of new possibilities, health, freedom, safety, and new life. This step can be pretty scary, I know. But it’s so important. 

Breaking the silence is not necessarily about leaving your abusive partner right now, although for some, it may be. Breaking the silence is about telling your story first to yourself, then to a safe person.

The decision to entrust your story to someone can feel overwhelming. Fear has been used to manipulate and silence you, so it can seem almost inconceivable that you could actually share your story with someone. You may wonder, Will anyone believe me? You might even feel delusional as your abuser insists that what is going on isn’t really happening. 

You may be concerned that some family members and friends won’t believe your story. But there comes a moment when each of us realizes that the cost of maintaining the secret is too high a price to pay. What leads to that moment can be very different for each person. What’s crucial is not so much why you break the silence but that you do. 

How has The Secret hurt you? If you have children, how has it hurt them, too? How has living in an abusive relationship affected your other relationships? Who could you tell your secret to?

from Healing Well And Living Free by Dr. Ramona Probasco

‘Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord , and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord . Trust him, and he will help you.’ Psalms 37:3-5(NLT)

Scripture: Psalm 37:3-5

Authentic healing from an abusive relationship begins with telling your story. When you tell your story, even to yourself, you’re taking an honest inventory of where you are, how you have changed, and how living a secret life behind closed doors has altered you. Telling your story gives you power over it and eventually allows you to make peace with it. 

Your story is incredibly significant. And so are you. That may be a tough statement for you to believe right now. Abuse has a way of blinding us to our own value. When we experience abuse, our tendency is to withdraw into a dark, private corner, fearful that anyone may further hurt us. 

At this point, you may feel as if you have little belief left in you. How can you believe in anything when you are broken and empty, with no energy left to imagine life can ever get better? Or maybe you’re wondering if you will ever feel joy, peace, or happiness again. How can you believe in a life after abuse? For now, know that I believe in you. And in time, you can learn to believe in yourself. Until then, believe in my belief.

If I could sit down with you today, I would encourage you with this: it’s time to tell your story, at least to yourself. You’re ready.

One of my clients put it this way: “Now that I’ve begun to talk with you about my story and write about it, I no longer feel like a character in somebody else’s story. I used to see my husband as so much larger than life. I thought someday books would be written about him, and I’d be ‘his wife.’ I’m only beginning to understand that my story is mine.” 

In my own life, God used what felt like a personal failure to bring about something beautiful. My children and I are a living testimony to the fact that not only do miracles happen, but they are also not intended to be kept in a box for ourselves. By telling our stories, we can discover that our pain has purpose. 

Begin writing your story. You might include details about how you met, what attracted you to him, when your relationship changed or had warning signs, or times when you realized he was abusive.

NOTE: I recognize and fully acknowledge that abuse takes place in all sorts of relationships. My heart breaks for all victims. However, because the majority of abusers are male and the majority of victims are female (of domestic violence victims, 85% are female and 15% are male [Source: Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence ]), I have utilized the pronouns “she” to represent the victim, and “he” to represent an abuser. This is not meant to disregard the pain experienced by male victims. Domestic violence is a crime regardless of one’s gender. All victims matter. All deserve to be acknowledged and believed.

from Healing Well And Living Free by Dr. Ramona Probasco

‘You will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed.’ Proverbs 23:18(NLT)

Scripture: Proverbs 23:18

I used to think that abusers were those scary-looking people in prison mug shots whose cold, blank stares send a chill down your spine. When I married my tall, dark, and handsome heartthrob, I practically levitated as I walked down the aisle. The thought that three years later he’d pick me up like a rag doll and throw me against the headboard of our bed was inconceivable to me. No way, not me. Not him. Not us. 

What I didn’t realize is that my experience was textbook in many ways. I minimized the verbal, emotional, and physical assaults, calling them everything and anything but abuse. I was not a victim, and he was not an abuser. I believed I could love him into wellness. But until you call it what it is, you’re going to call it what it’s not. I did just that.

If you’re anything remotely like me, you may be doing the same thing, saying things like, “We have a communication problem,” “We need to learn how to resolve conflict better,” or “We’re just going through a stressful time.” These are just a few of the erroneous phrases I used to minimize the abuse I was enduring—and ones I commonly hear when working with clients who have experienced abuse from their intimate partners.

I don’t intend to advise you on whether or not to remain in your relationship. You alone can decide that. I do want to share with you that you can heal—and not just heal but heal well. Healing well is the precursor to living free. As a woman of deep faith, I believe we were created for freedom. Abuse in marriage is the kryptonite to freedom. Abuse, regardless of how it manifests itself, will destroy the trust and, in the end, can destroy the relationship. More importantly, it can destroy you, and you matter.

There is life after abuse. But to heal well and live free, you must choose to do so. It won’t just happen. It will take effort and commitment on your part. It may be the hardest thing you ever do. But from my own experience I can tell you: it’s worth it.

Do you believe it’s possible for you to heal well from the pain you have experienced in your relationship? Why or why not? Do you believe you are worthy of finding healing? Why or why not?

from Healing Well And Living Free by Dr. Ramona Probasco