Month: September 2020

‘Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.’ Matthew 6:33(NLT)

I could say so much about my marriage.

I could say Wynter and I were a team. We were a work in progress, but every day we woke committed to doing better than the day before. Our goals were aligned, and when misalignment arose, we worked together to get back to the game plan. We weren’t keeping score, but we knew the enemy was on the losing side. We were for each other and conflict brought us closer.

I could say we were best friends. It wasn’t always true.

We spent the first five years coming to terms with the baggage we brought into marriage. The sins. The habits. The differences and the things we needed to lay down to put the other first. We spent the next five years beginning to empty ourselves of those things to make room for what God wanted to do in and through us. We spent our final five years building a friendship deeper than attraction or anything that initially brought us together.

But what summarizes our 15 years has less to do with us and more to do with God. Simply put…

The Kingdom is better because we were together.

The Bible has a lot to say about the Kingdom. If you summarized the Bible from Genesis to Revelation, the overarching theme would be the Kingdom of God—God’s rule being worked out in history.

God’s plan for your marriage is bigger than you. It’s bigger than your spouse. It’s bigger than your friendship and it’s bigger than your family.

Your marriage is about the Kingdom.

You’ve probably prayed Matthew 6:10 more times than you can remember. If not, you probably know these words:

“Your kingdom come, Your will be done.”

It’s more than a nice saying. It’s a reminder that our lives are about God’s Kingdom. That all we do, we are to do with a greater story in mind.

Wynter and I had an advantage—an understanding that we were supposed to be a team. That in this life there is real opposition and our unity makes the difference in our ability to intentionally advance God’s Kingdom and story.

When we began to think more about ourselves and what we wanted, it was the knowledge of a bigger story and a higher calling that put us back on track.

May today you see the bigger story at hand. May you see the higher calling that God has in mind for your marriage.

And may the Kingdom be better because you and your spouse are together.

Lord, it’s so easy to get focused on the here and now. I so quickly get wrapped up in the small details and disagreements. Please help me to see that You are writing a story grander than I could ever imagine and help me to make the decisions now that advance Your kingdom in my marriage and family.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

LIVING POURED-OUT TODAY

• Are you and your spouse operating as a team? Why or why not?
• Start a dialogue with your spouse about what each of you can do to show the other that you are on the same team.
• Identify one thing you can do this week to start building a better friendship with your spouse. Does your spouse need encouragement? Do they need affirmation? Open up about a tough situation you are facing. Seek their advice about a relationship or work problem.

from Emptied: Living A Poured-Out Marriage by Jonathan & Wynter Pitts

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

I recently heard someone change the old idiom “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” to “The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.”

I laughed at this simple truth because while it could be true of many things, it is certainly true of marriage.

I’ll always be proud of the work Wynter and I chose to put in to make our marital lawn (if you will) green. I’ll always be thankful to the gracious God who met us in our imperfect brown lawn of a marriage and empowered us to make it green one blade at a time.

Some days it looked greener to me and some days it looked browner. Some days the same was true for Wynter.

But we kept working and praying for greener grass.

It wasn’t always this way. We came into marriage thinking our relationship would always be healthy. That it would grow naturally. We thought little about what it takes to pursue, cultivate, and maintain a strong marriage. Funny enough, Wynter thought I would be more like Richard Gere from Pretty Woman, and my picture of what Wynter would be like was my mother.

We each brought our own expectations to marriage—and with them, our own brown grass.

But God’s Word changed our minds.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

We all enter marriage with misguided understandings of what marriage is and what’s needed for growth.

But God’s Word is clear on what growth looks like: stewardship and trust.

To take ownership of something is to steward. Stewardship is taking responsibility. It’s tilling the soil and spreading the proverbial fertilizer. It’s dealing with the past hurts, anger, resentment, bad habits, and lies we believe. It’s emptying ourselves of all of it, one situation and one day at a time.

Trust is reliance on God. It’s submitting our lives and our marriages to Him. It’s seeking Him in prayer and in His word. It’s saying, “God, whatever You want me to do, show me. Whatever You need me to do, tell me,” and then waiting for the rain. Waiting for Him to show up with the answers to those questions and to fill you with what you could never possess on your own.

When the rain of His power and help comes, with a heart of stewardship you obey. That cycle continues day after day and season after season until you find yourself seeing God’s good, pleasing, and perfect will coming about in your relationship.

No matter how brown the grass is today, may God give you vision to see the green that exists and provide you with strength to steward your lawn and trust Him for rain.

May we all have our minds renewed that we may see God’s will being done in our lives.

Lord God grant me the strength to continue working towards growth. Give me the trust to seek only You for direction.

In Jesus Name, Amen.
 

LIVING POURED-OUT TODAY

• When you think about your marriage, what color grass do you see?
• What expectations did you bring into your marriage that may be contributing to a brown grass outlook? Ask God what you can do to transform your perspective.
• Identify one area of your marriage that needs “watering,” then give it some attention. Maybe it’s communication, finances, or schedules.

from Emptied: Living A Poured-Out Marriage by Jonathan & Wynter Pitts

‘So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ‘ Galatians 6:9(NLT)

‘People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.’ Proverbs 14:29(NLT)

Do you feel like you’re losing in marriage? I know I did, especially early on. 

Emotionally and mentally I felt Wynter wasn’t meeting some expectation or wasn’t fulfilling a need for me. I locked down my emotional energy on waiting for her to change and do what I wanted her to do.

I wanted Wynter to be more active and work out more. I wanted her to be more extroverted. If I didn’t think she was “getting enough done,” I saw it as a reflection of my own activity level.

Until I realized I wanted Wynter to actually be me.

In my pride, I thought there was no better model of what she should be like. When I understood this, I had to call it was it was—idolatry. Self-worship. Instead of letting Wynter be who God created her to be, I was elevating a false image—something I wanted her to be instead.

I could not see what God was doing day by day, month by month, and year by year.

You’ve never done this, right? Wanted your spouse to be something other than who God created them to be? If you are honest, you might admit one or two areas where you’d prefer your spouse be more like you. Where you tend to not value your God-given differences, and where you tend to get impatient if you don’t see change.

Thank God that He doesn’t give us what we want sometimes.

He prefers we grow in patience and come to understand what He is doing.

It’s easy to allow emotions to get the best of you. It’s easy to miss what God is doing when you focus on what you want and what you are not getting. It’s much harder to understand what He’s doing when you make quick judgements or focus on what’s not working out your way.

But what if you took the time to understand why God made your spouse differently? What if you ask the Lord for patience to see how He might be using your spouse’s differences to shape you?

I thank God that He allowed me to see what He was doing in and through Wynter before she left this world for heaven. If God had given me what I wanted, Wynter and I would have been running in circles spending time doing things that did not matter in the end. While I was wishing Wynter was more like me, she was investing in our girls, praying for me, and building a ministry that blesses thousands of young girls all over the world. I thank God every day now for the Wynter God created. She made me a better man.

May we be people today who choose patience over pleasure.

May we willingly lay down our idols so God’s image might be displayed through our spouse for the benefit of our homes, our families, and this world.

Lord Jesus, give me the strength to be patient. May I choose patience over pleasure, knowing that endurance is growing me and developing my marriage. And give my spouse endurance as well, as You make us more like You.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

LIVING POURED-OUT TODAY

• In what are do you wish your spouse was more like you? Why?
• Take five minutes to list the ways God made your spouse different from you, and then ask God what He wants to teach you through those differences.
• Ask the Lord to show you how He is using your spouse’s differences to shape and strengthen you.

from Emptied: Living A Poured-Out Marriage by Jonathan & Wynter Pitts

‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ‘ Hebrews 12:1-2(NLT)

Many couples choose not to fight for their marriage because they already feel like they lost. They aren’t happy or satisfied with where they are, so they begin to opt out emotionally, physically, and spiritually. They look at their partner and conclude that they aren’t carrying their end of the bargain or they don’t bring them happiness anymore and they bail.

Early on Wynter and I had the same struggles, though it looked very different for each of us.

Having come from a home where her father didn’t stay the course, Wynter tended toward wanting to give up physically. It wasn’t hard for her in the early days to want to separate, even if for a few hours, when things weren’t going well.

I, on the other hand, didn’t have “quit” in my vocabulary. I was too self-righteous for that. Instead, I chose to check out emotionally when things weren’t going my way. I would pout and get quiet, thinking it was more acceptable.

Both solutions could be summed up in one word—retreat.

We were just as prone to waving the white flag as anyone else. We were deceived and, in those moments, concluded that happiness was impossible.

Thank God, we couldn’t avoid His truth about staying the course.

The author of the book of Hebrews writes, “…fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2 (NIV)

Jesus is the perfect example of staying the course. In the face of much greater anguish and loss, He chose to endure torture, humiliation, and even death itself to bring about deep joy for Himself and good for His bride in us.

He emptied Himself of anything and everything that would stop Him from putting us first, and now we get to enjoy uninterrupted fellowship with Him.

With that in mind, consider the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is circumstantial and rarely must be earned. Happiness just “happens.” Joy, on the other hand, is typically fought for and won when someone chooses the road of inconvenience and suffering for the benefit of someone else. Though happiness can end haphazardly, joy transcends even time itself.

Though I wish I had 15, 30, or 45 more years to love Wynter on this earth, the joy that we experienced by enduring the down times and difficult rhythms of marriage will be my fuel. That joy will drive me forward for as many years as God continues to teach me what it means to seek joy over temporary happiness.

May you choose the longer road of endurance. May the Lord open your eyes to this today so you can experience His joy in your marriage for years to come.

Lord, help me to see the cheapness that happiness can be when given more credit than it’s due. Help me to know deeply the joy that comes from the patient endurance as I bear with my spouse as Christ did for me.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

LIVING POURED-OUT TODAY

• Think about your natural response to conflict with your spouse. What message does your response send?
• Does your phone or other technology distract you from putting your spouse first? Practice turning off your devices and giving your spouse undivided attention.
• Think of one other behavior or attitude that gets in the way of putting your spouse first. Practice emptying yourself of that behavior and putting your spouse’s needs above your own.

from Emptied: Living A Poured-Out Marriage by Jonathan & Wynter Pitts

‘Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:9-10(NLT)

Thank you for committing to a poured-out marriage.
God has taught me so much through my marriage to Wynter, and I can’t wait to share the lessons I’ve learned with you in these next few days.

– – –

Two months after Wynter died suddenly in my arms on July 24, 2018, I uttered these words to my counselor as I thought about my gratitude for the 15 years of marriage we fought for with deference and honor:

“It wasn’t perfect, but it was intentional.”

It was my thank you to the Lord for His goodness and grace in allowing us to discern what was needed for us to grow as individuals and as a couple. It was a cry of joy, first for the time we were able to spend together and second for the life we had built.

I cried as I remembered what we had and began to process what I’d lost. But I didn’t do so with regret or with sadness for a job incomplete. There was no distress over missed opportunity. No turmoil over a job undone. As sad as I was and as much pain as I still experience, my countenance is one of a victor, not a victim.

Because we won!

I am not saying our marriage was perfect. That is far from the truth. We fought daily for unity and peace in our home.

Fight is a funny word, but that’s exactly what it was. A fight. The weapons we chose in each and every moment were not the ones that came naturally.

We chose to empty ourselves of the weapons of our human nature so the Holy Spirit could fill us with the tools that would help us win.

Naturally, it would be easy for us to be indifferent towards each other’s needs.

But when we chose to replace our indifference with love, we were choosing to fight in order to win.

The Jewish Holocaust survivor, Ellie Wiesel once said “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”

The world says, “Do you.” “You are what matters.” But God says,

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other” Romans 12:10 (NLT).

It wasn’t easy to have genuine affection as we fought our selfish desires, but daily picking up the weapon of love built a relationship of trust and a sense of loyalty that guided our years and directed our future.

It wasn’t a one-time decision, but something we grew into, one day at a time and one choice at a time—imperfectly but consistently. Love looks like moving from selfishness and indifference toward genuine care and a willingness to put each other ahead of yourself.

Today, I pray that your marriage will look like that. Like love.

I pray that today you will choose to begin laying down the weapons of this world in order to wield the weapons of a whole other realm.

Father, thank you for the victory found in emptying ourselves of the weapons of this world that are not of You. May Your example of laying down Your life be an inspiration for us to do the same. And may Your power give us the strength to pick up the weapons to win and declare victory in our marriages.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

LIVING POURED-OUT TODAY

• What unhealthy tendency do you naturally fall back on in your relationship? What spiritual weapon can you replace it with to strengthen your marriage?
• Think of one sacrifice your spouse has made for you this week and specifically thank them for it.
• Pick one act of love you can show your spouse this week. Be the one to make coffee in the morning, scrape ice off the windshield of their car, take charge of bedtime routine, schedule one-on-one time, leave encouraging notes where they will find them throughout the day.

from Emptied: Living A Poured-Out Marriage by Jonathan & Wynter Pitts