Month: September 2020

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Infidelity: Saving Marriage ZZ

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken – Day 3

‘“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. ‘ John 14:27(NLT)

‘For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.’ 2 Timothy 1:7(NLT)

I always thought the belief that one’s life flashes before his or her eyes right before death was exaggerated – that is, until I sat on that couch and stared into my husband’s distraught face while a tornado of thoughts, worries, memories, and questions swirled across my mind. 

At first my questions were a stuttered series of single words: What? When? Where? And of course the all-time favorite question asked by thousands when thrown into unwanted circumstances: Why? But then, the questions progressed to more in-depth ones complete with a desire for every, little detail.

If betrayal has arrived on your marital doorstep, the likelihood that you are wanting to ask questions of your spouse is high. We’re curious if the betrayal happened when we were caring for our children at home or working hard at work to provide for our spouse. Basically, we want to know when it was that our spouse made a fool of us. 

Sometime during the first year after Chris’ confession, I finally made a decision. We were discussing the past, and I don’t remember exactly what I asked him, but it had something to do with an encounter he had with a woman. He very gently took my hand and said, “Babe, I’ll answer any questions you ask for the rest of my life. But will my answer make you feel any better?”

I looked into his eyes and knew he was right. His answer wouldn’t make me feel better. 

When we start down the “asking questions” path, it almost always comes from a place of fear within us. Our hearts start beating faster, and we literally don’t have the physical or mental strength to stop moving forward in our quest for answers. Because of this, we have to stop asking questions. Or it just might kill us.

When curiosity gets the best of us and we want to ask our spouse a question, we must first ask ourselves two questions: Why do I need to know this and will the answer help me heal? More times than not, asking the question and receiving an answer will only hurt us more. Sometimes a question is worth asking but my experience tells me that those cases are rare. 

Spend some time today writing down the questions you want to ask your spouse about the betrayal you’ve experienced. If the answers will only hurt you, don’t ask them. If they could help, choose an appropriate time to ask your spouse.

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

Categories
Infidelity: Saving Marriage ZZ

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken – Day 2

‘Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.’ Proverbs 3:7(NLT)

We’ve been to plenty of weddings in our lives. Sometimes we want to attend, others times we don’t. We’ve been told “my, how much you’ve grown” more times that we can remember by an aunt we haven’t seen in ages. We’ve listened to sappy love songs being sung. We can practically recite the traditional wedding vows by memory…”for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health…” and so on. Those words are simple but meaningful. But just because they mean something on the wedding day doesn’t mean that stays the same as the marital years pass on.

When my husband chose to walk the road of unfaithfulness, many were stunned and shocked. They could not believe he would do such a thing. But as he shared everything that led him to do “such a thing,” the picture became more clear. His choice to be unfaithful didn’t happen overnight. It began with one poor choice.

Most people don’t plan to commit such gross acts of sin like unfaithfulness. It happens very slowly. One small step to the left or right, away from the path God has for us. One inappropriate conversation with a man who flirts with us. One innocent lunch appointment with the new, single girl at work. And before we know it, we have done the unthinkable. And broken our spouse’s heart in the process.

It doesn’t make sense, and yet, it makes total sense. 

It didn’t make sense that my pastor husband would step outside of his marriage to commit adultery. Yet, it made total sense when I learned that he’d struggled with an addiction to pornography for the better part of two decades. 

The betrayal you’re experiencing in your own marriage is probably something you never saw coming. Not once on your wedding day did you imagine this day would come. I mean, love will keep us together, right? Love will but we have to decide to make wise choices along the way. We can’t expect to have a strong, vibrant marriage if we don’t plan for one. The opposite is the same as well. If we don’t plan to have it, we won’t. And we’ll find ourselves apologizing for things we “never thought we’d do.” 

What have you experienced in your marriage that caused catastrophic consequences? What led you there? What are some guidelines you can put into place in your life to prevent you from making a poor decision? 

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

Categories
Infidelity: Saving Marriage ZZ

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken – Day 1

‘This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!’ 2 Corinthians 5:17(NLT)

‘Your unfailing love, O Lord , is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.’ Psalms 36:5(NLT)

You never forget the day that changes your life forever. The day that turns your heart and your family upside down. My day arrived on February 19, 2002. On this particular morning, I was unpacking boxes and “nesting” in the home we just purchased a few days earlier in Edmond, Oklahoma. I was thrilled to be in a new place.

Until my husband walked in the front door unexpectedly about an hour after he left for work.

His face was solemn, and he asked if we could talk. My mind began to spin with anticipation of what might come out of his mouth. I waited for him to reassure me that all was well in this new life. But instead of words of comfort, the man I loved was about to share news that would alter the course of our lives in unimaginable ways. 

He said, “I’ve been unfaithful to you. Many different times, women, and places over the past 2 ½ years of our marriage.”

I trembled from my head to my feet as my mind went crazy with disbelief. The very real physical pain of my heart breaking took me by surprise. His eyes were tender, and I could tell he was devastated by watching me. As the reality set in of what his news was doing to my heart, he began to cry.

Betrayal. It’s here and no matter how many times you wish it away, it won’t leave. It’s something that is stamped onto your marriage resume for the rest of your days. Can you relate to that kind of letdown? Destruction? Devastation? When the walls have fallen down with such force that you could not breathe beneath the pressure of the debris or see beyond the dust of the rubble?

If you are feeling alone, know that I am here to help you along your journey. God desires to make you whole, even as the pieces of your known existence seem to be scattered to every corner of the universe. If the walls have tumbled and you cannot recognize truth from lies in the remains, know that God’s grace and power to transform your life are right there in the midst of the ruins. 

Hold on to your belief in redemption. I kept mine. Please keep yours as we walk together toward healing.

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

“It’s Your Turn”

‘Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:6(NLT)

‘“For I hate divorce!” says the Lord , the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty, ” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”’ Malachi 2:16(NLT)

‘So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ‘ James 4:7(NLT)

Devotional Content:

I think marriage is like everything else important in life. Eventually we have to make a choice. It happens with the most important decision in this life when we choose whether or not to follow Christ. In marriage, we have to choose to be in or out. You can choose to just exist in a marriage but existing is really not a marriage – at least not the way God designed it.  

No, at some point we have to say that we are committed for life and really mean it. We all say it at the altar but we all also know that only half of those commitments make it. I’m talking about in marriage with all you know about each other, saying, “I’m all in.” I’m all in today and tomorrow and all the tomorrows that follow. I’m all in because I believe what God can do in my marriage.  I’m all in because He never gives up. I’m all in because I would rather fight every day with Him and Nancy for my marriage than anything else.

We made that decision in the sixth year of our marriage. We have never looked back. God has walked with us, carried us, taught us, dried our tears, laughed with us and celebrated with us.  He was always there, just waiting for us to invite Him in. Once we did there are not enough words in the English language to tell all He has done, is doing, and will do. My prayer for each of you is that you would take that step and invite Him into the soul of your marriage today.

Today’s Challenge:

1. What does it mean to you to stand side by side with each other?

2. What differences come from joining hands with God?

3. These boxers in ring two gain strength as the fights go on. How does that happen?

Going Deeper:

In front of you are the two boxing rings. Ring One ends in the death of a marriage. In Ring Two you will fight together with God for your marriage for the rest of your lives. Which ring will you choose?

Resource:

Use mundane moments for Godly purpose in your marriage with our House of Prayer cards. 

Prayer is the single BEST thing you can for your marriage. God is the one who can ultimately change your hearts and your marriage for the better, so inviting him in to do those things is the single best thing you can do for your marriage.

from Fighting For Your Marriage

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

“The Boxing Ring”

‘Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them. ‘ James 1:9(NLT)

‘A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.’ Ecclesiastes 3:7(NLT)

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.’ Ephesians 4:26-27(NLT)

Devotional Content:

I remember a time in our marriage that I thought if there were professional marriage fighters, we could probably turn pro. We fought a lot. We had no idea how to fight fair. We did the win / lose thing. We fought about the same things over and over and had no clue how to come to a resolution. Something had to change and we both knew it. We were growing weary and tired.  We were hanging on, but for how long?

There were a couple of turning points for us. The first was a wise lady that became a mentor for Nancy. She basically said that we had to quit fighting each other and fight for our marriage, and that God did not want us to get a divorce. God used her to put us on a different path. The second point was that we began to listen to each other. Not the way I had been listening but the way God wanted me to listen to Nancy. I needed to hear what she was really saying and then respond in a way that let Nancy know I heard her. Once I began listening to her, guess what? She began listening to me! That was a huge revelation for me that God used to help mold me into the husband He wanted me to be for Nancy.

God did another very significant thing for us. If you know our story, you know that we have prayed together every day beginning with our wedding night. You may be wondering, “how could they have fought so much when they were praying together?” This is my take on that. Our prayers did make a difference. They changed so much even in those fighting years. What I think God taught us was how to turn our prayer time into a lifestyle of marriage. We had to learn to let Him into every second of our day, not just five or ten minutes at night. Our faithfulness to pray every night laid a foundation that we eventually let God build a marriage on.

Today’s Challenge:

1. What happens in a marriage if one spouse is the winner and the other spouse the loser?

2. What are the three things you most often fight about in your marriage?

3. What is your part in resolving those three issues?

Going Deeper:

Dr. Kim describes the divorce of the “boxer couple” as a death. Why does he use that term? Do you agree or disagree?

from Fighting For Your Marriage

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

“Is It Worth It?”

‘Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. ‘ Colossians 3:23(NLT)

‘For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. ‘ Philippians 4:13(NLT)

‘Commit your actions to the Lord , and your plans will succeed.’ Proverbs 16:3(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Thomas and Alison both came from broken homes. After a really good first year of marriage, life together began to have rough patches. By the end of year three, there were a lot more tough days than good days. They found themselves at a crossroads. They could take the path their parents took and get a divorce, or they could fight for their marriage. They decided to fight. For them, it was more than a decision. It really became a conviction and a mindset. That proved to be essential as they began to work through their own baggage from the past and then the problems in their marriage. It was a really difficult journey.  

One of their first steps was to find a Christian counselor. That was an integral part of the entire process. They needed someone to guide them, pray with them and for them, and help them heal individually and together as a couple. Like a lot of us, they thought as they entered a new life together the baggage from their past would just go away. It didn’t. Could God miraculously have healed them? Yes, but it seems there is more value for us as He guides and walks with us through the healing process. That is what He did with Thomas and Alison.  

Putting God first was another priority. That, too, was a process as they learned to pray and read the Bible together, and found a church home. In church they found people who loved them and were willing to walk with them through this tough journey.  

Is your marriage worth fighting for? Is it worth the work? My answer for you is “yes.” Yes it is worth the fight and the work. Your problems may be like those Thomas and Alison dealt with; they could be worse or they might not be as bad. Wherever you land, the answer is the same:  God. Why not start there today?

Today’s Challenge:

1. Dr. Kim says that fighting for your marriage takes work. What work are you going to do?

2. Define what “being glued together” looks like for the two of you in your marriage.

3. Why are the battle scars of victory worth the cost for your marriage?

Going Deeper:

As you face the everyday issues and problems of life and marriage, begin the habit of taking all of those to God and let Him give you the answers that you would never have without Him.

from Fighting For Your Marriage

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

“Selfishness”

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5(NLT)

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. ‘ Philippians 2:3(NLT)

‘Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.’ 1 Corinthians 10:24(NLT)

‘The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.’ Proverbs 11:25(NLT)

Devotional Content:

It took me a long time to admit that I was being selfish in my marriage. Let me say that a different way. I knew that I was being selfish, I just did not want to admit it. I wanted to see myself as a generous, thoughtful person who would never be selfish to my spouse, but that was not always true. In the early years of our marriage, my selfishness was probably rooted in my immaturity. Nancy and I were married so young that a lot of our growing up years were done together within our marriage relationship.  

Some of my selfishness was subtle and some was overt. Both hurt my marriage. Some of the most selfish things that I did occurred when I would point the finger at Nancy and accuse her of doing the exact thing that I was doing. Selfishness can play out in some very strange ways.  Finally, I had an amazing revelation. The marriage that I wanted for us was not happening and if something was going to be different, it had to begin with me.  

God showed me such grace and mercy as He brought my selfish lifestyle to light. He showed me that I was not putting Him first and if I did things would change. That was an understatement. Putting God first in my life turned everything upside down but then everything landed where it was supposed to be. My life was better. My marriage was better. My relationship with Him was amazing.  

Can I still slip into selfishness? Yes, but because I now know the difference He can make, I am much quicker to fall on my knees and give it back to Him.

Today’s Challenge:

1. When do you find yourself out of balance with God?

2. Think about the times you can be selfish in your marriage. How would those times look different if you were “into God” instead of “into yourself”?

3. What is one way you can begin to fight together as a couple?

Going Deeper:

What steps can you take to never give selfishness a foothold in your marriage?

from Fighting For Your Marriage

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

Have You Ever Fought for Something?

‘Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:7(NLT)

‘Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. ‘ 1 Peter 4:8(NLT)

‘The man answered, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”’ Luke 10:27(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Some of us are fighters. We grew up having to fight for what we wanted and what we believed in. Fighting was just a part of our lives. We were willing to fight because we had a vision of the end result. We knew that with hard work we could accomplish the things we wanted.  

I have always been in awe of men and women who fight for their faith. It began with Jesus’ disciples. They knew Jesus and the difference He made in their lives, so they were willing to risk everything to bring that message to the rest of the world. Can you even imagine our lives today if they had not been fighters?

As a counselor, I have seen parents fight for their kids. They have fought for better education and opportunities. They have sacrificed much for their kids to have advantages they never had.  There are generations of adults today who are where they are in life because their parents were willing to fight for them.

There are causes that I believe in with all my heart. I know the difference a cause can make in people’s lives. Recently Awesome Marriage launched the #NotMe movement, calling men to take a stand against pornography and against devaluing, objectifying, and dishonoring women.  I know the difference this will make as more and more men take a stand and say, “it stops with me.”

In this plan, we will look deeply into what it means to fight for your marriage. Most of us said, “I do” without a clue what that really meant. We didn’t realize how much work marriage requires.  Yet, fighting to have the marriage that God designed especially for you is more than worth all the effort. Your marriage is worth the fight, so let’s start fighting!

Today’s Challenge:

1. What are three things would you fight for?

2. What were your hopes and dreams for your marriage on your wedding day?

3. What stands in the way of your marriage being all you hoped it would be?

Going Deeper:

What would it mean for you to seek and pursue God with everything you have? Do you agree with Dr. Kim, that “everything else would fall into place?”

from Fighting For Your Marriage

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

Couples’ Prayer

‘Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!’ Matthew 18:21-22(NLT)

Father God, in the Name of Jesus, we thank You for our marriage. Father, we thank You for Your Peace reigning in our home. 

Father, we thank You that wisdom rests within the borders of our marriage. Father, lead our language. Lord, lead our actions. Lord, guide our tongue. 

Father, we are forever Yours. Father, we forgive one another for our past transgressions. Father, we forgive and let go of the guilt, shame, and defeat of the past. 

Lord, we surrender to You. Lord, we honor You. Father, soften our hearts. Father, create a new heart within us. Lord, let Your Spirit dwell within the borders of our home. Let Your Peace dwell here forever. 

In Jesus’ Name. Amen. 

from Forgive by Vance Jackson

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

Blessed Are The Peacemakers.

‘God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.’ Matthew 5:9(NLT)

‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

‘I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house right on the ground, without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.”’ Luke 6:47-49(NLT)

“Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.” Matthew‬ ‭5:9‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Let peace flourish within the borders of your home. Let His Peace flourish within the walls of your marriage. Choose to sow peace instead of strife. Choose to establish an environment of peace instead of chaos. Choose to forgive instead of creating an environment of resentment and bitterness. Choose the path of peace. 

Proverbs‬ ‭15:1‬ ‭KJV‬‬ declares, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” Season your words with grace. Let God lead your language. Let His Word shape the trajectory of your life, home, and your marriage. Choose God’s Way of doing things. Choose to build a foundation that’s built on God’s Word. 

Luke‬ ‭6:47-49‬ ‭KJV‬‬ declares, “Whosoever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings, and doeth them, I will shew you to whom he is like: He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock. But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great.” Build your life and family upon God’s Word. 

from Forgive by Vance Jackson