Month: September 2020

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Practice Your Promise

‘But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:6-9(NLT)

Last year in the United States, we spent 72 billion dollars on wedding ceremonies. While wedding days are special days, marriage is not about the big day—it’s about the everyday. 

Think about it: we promised our spouse some pretty amazing things, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in heath, for better or for worse, and till death do us part. We convinced another person they could trust us with their heart…for life. 

If our spouse is going to know kindness on a daily basis, we have to choose to be consistently kind. If our spouse is going to know grace on a daily basis, we have to choose to give grace. If they are going to know thoughtfulness, laughter, intimacy, protection, we have to choose to give them these things. We have to practice what we promised. 

And the great news is that this plays itself out in really practical ways. 

If your spouse loves gifts, buy them one. If your spouse tends to like sex more often than you, have more sex. If your spouse loves words of encouragement, write them a note. If your spouse loves affection, be affectionate apart from sex. If your spouse wants you to spend time with them, carve out the time. Whatever speaks love to your spouse, speak it. 

When you love our spouse, even when they are irrational, even when their baggage creates an unfair tension, even when they are simply not that lovable, it is powerful for your marriage because it helps you to become… YOUR BEST US.

Action Step

Today choose one small way to practice what you promised on your wedding day. 

Prayer

God help me to remember my spouse’s face on the day we said “I do” so that I can practice what I promised. 

from Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think

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Respect and Love

‘For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:22-33(NLT)

As married couples, we can find ourselves in a negative cycle of conflict. We argue and can’t seem to get past it. It is easy to think the answer lies within the details of who is right and who is wrong. 

But typically, we are not really arguing about what we are arguing about. It’s not really about the towel being left on the floor for the 1,000th time. It’s not really about her coming home late from work…again. 

It’s about something deeper. 

Paul reveals this deeper dynamic in Ephesians 5. In verse 22, married couples are commanded to mutually respect each other because both men and women need and crave respect from their spouse. 

Later in the chapter, Paul speaks to wives and husbands separately. Wives are called to unconditionally respect their husbands. And husbands are called to unconditionally love their wives. Without respect, husbands tend to react without love. Without love, wives tend react without respect… and around and around we go. That is a negative chase that married couples often get into. 

The great news is that there is a positive chase. When wives feel loved, they tend to react with respect, when men feel respected they tend to react with love…and around and around we go. This positive chase of respect and love… can help us to become… YOUR BEST US.

Action Step

You are only responsible for changing you. Leverage your last conflict to show your spouse unconditional love and respect by letting “it” go, apologizing, or seeking to better understand. 

Prayer

God please change my heart so I can change my actions to be more loving and respectful towards my spouse. 

from Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think

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Love God First

‘But if I am casting out demons by the Spirit of God, then the Kingdom of God has arrived among you. For who is powerful enough to enter the house of a strong man and plunder his goods? Only someone even stronger—someone who could tie him up and then plunder his house. “Anyone who isn’t with me opposes me, and anyone who isn’t working with me is actually working against me. “So I tell you, every sin and blasphemy can be forgiven—except blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, which will never be forgiven. ‘ Matthew 12:28-31(NLT)

Most of us seem to think that the quality of our marriage depends solely on our relationships with our spouse. This is a logical thought because this is true for most of us. The condition of our marriage tends to go up or down depending on how well we are managing our marriage. 

While obviously, the dynamics between the two of you are important, there is another relationship that matters even more—your individual relationship with God.  

Quite simply, connection with God makes us better spouses. Things come out of us that can even surprise us. Things come of us that surprise our spouse. What are these things? What happens when we love God first and our spouse second? 

Galatians 5:22–23 (NIV) contains a list of the fruit we bear in our lives when we Love God First. These are called the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Those things describe the spouse most of us want to be.

By spending time with God, just like you are doing in this very moment (well done by the way), something changes inside of you that radically impacts what comes out of you. 

Putting God first allows you to love your spouse in a way you could never workday them on your own, and that helps you to become… YOUR BEST US. 

Action Step

Before you reconnect at the end of the workday, pause and pray the prayer below. 

Prayer

God, for the rest of this day, help me to love my spouse in ways that reflect You in me. 

from Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think

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Have Serious Fun

‘My son, pay attention to my wisdom; listen carefully to my wise counsel. Then you will show discernment, and your lips will express what you’ve learned. For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil. But in the end she is as bitter as poison, as dangerous as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. For she cares nothing about the path to life. She staggers down a crooked trail and doesn’t realize it. So now, my sons, listen to me. Never stray from what I am about to say: Stay away from her! Don’t go near the door of her house! If you do, you will lose your honor and will lose to merciless people all you have achieved. Strangers will consume your wealth, and someone else will enjoy the fruit of your labor. In the end you will groan in anguish when disease consumes your body. You will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not ignored all the warnings! Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors? I have come to the brink of utter ruin, and now I must face public disgrace.” Drink water from your own well— share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers. Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:1-19(NLT)

Is having fun and intimacy in your marriage essential, or is it extra? Sure, we all like fun and intimacy. But it’s easy to think that other things in our lives are more important—things like work, kids, and chores. 

But here is the good news: God views fun and intimacy in our marriage as essential. We find these views in Proverbs 5, which was authored by Solomon.

But Solomon’s wisdom is not based on his human ability. In fact, Solomon’s own life wasn’t a great example of marriage. But the principles and the truths that God spoke through Solomon are wise all the same.

In Proverbs 5, Solomon is warning his son to protect himself and his marriage by staying away from adultery. For 17 verses Solomon tried to scare the pants on his son.

He gave him all the don’ts then he gave him a couple of do’s.

He encourages his son to be captivated with his wife, to rejoice in her always, and be delighted in her. 

In other words, one of the best ways to protect your marriage is to enjoy it.  

You see, the good news is that fun and intimacy is not extra for your marriage—they are essential… helping you to become… YOUR BEST US..

Action Step

What is one thing you can do today to make your spouse laugh or put a smile on their face? 

Prayer

God, life can get serious, too serious. Please help me to know how to bring a little fun into our marriage today. 

from Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think

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What Does It Take?

‘I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love. I want them to have complete confidence that they understand God’s mysterious plan, which is Christ himself. In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.’ Colossians 2:2-3(NLT)

Your marital habits either lead to the connection or the disconnection of your US. 

How does that statement sit with you? For many of us, it leaves us feeling discouraged. We have other habits we have tried to change and have been unsuccessful, i.e., exercising, eating healthier, staying organized. 

But marital habits are different because they’re relational. They’re relational, which means they’re emotional, and therein lies the answer. For instance:

  • When you decide to laugh off something trivial instead of picking a fight, that is emotional. That matters.  
  • When you choose to be tender when you want to be harsh, that is emotional. That matters.  
  • When you thank your spouse for providing for the family, that is emotional. That matters.  
  • When you pause in the morning to pray for your spouse, that is emotional. That matters.

For almost every couple, an unexpected moment of laughter, gentleness, respect, affirmation, or sexual connection can trigger a great day for your marriage, even in the toughest of situations. 

And when you are intentional about creating these moments on a regular basis, you create habits that take your marriage in the right direction…helping you to become YOUR BEST US.

Action Step

Do one simple thing today to show your spouse your love for them. 

Prayer

God, help me to do one little thing today that would be a big deal to my spouse. 

from Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think

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More Moments of Awesome.

‘And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ. ‘ Colossians 2:6-8(NLT)

Less Moments of Awful.

You and your spouse are unique. There has never been another US just like the two of you. You may be thinking…ahh we are like a marital snowflake, how romantic. Or you may be thinking…thank God there is not another marriage like ours because we are a hot mess! 

No matter where you currently find your US, you can experience more moments of awesome and less moments of awful. Because God gives us clear directions and instructions for our marriage. And when you dive in to see what the Bible has to say about marriage, you find verses that have “how-tos” and “ahas.” 

And when we trust God and follow His instructions for our marriage, we start creating habits that connect us as a couple. But maybe your spouse is not willing or open to doing marriage God’s way. Be encouraged. While it always takes two to keep a negative cycle going, it often just takes just one to stop it. 

And here is the great news: you are not the only one who wants a great marriage; God wants that for you even more. He gives you great instructions on how to have a great US…helping you to have more moments of awesome and less moments of awful…helping us to become… YOUR BEST US.

Action Step

Where is that place you feel stuck in your marriage? Ask yourself, “What is one thing God would have me do to get us unstuck?”

Prayer

God, while I was still a sinner, still imperfect, You loved me. Today, God help me to love my spouse just a fraction of the way You love me. Show me the moments and situations where I can show grace and encouragement. 

from Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think

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Infidelity: Saving Marriage ZZ

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken – Day 7

‘And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ‘ Romans 8:28(NLT)

‘“But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.’ Isaiah 43:18(NLT)

When your marriage is falling apart due to infidelity or any other betrayal, there will be nothing quick about the healing. It will take months and possibly years to reach an emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental place that feels anything close to normal. Understandably, the person feels the pain of the initial betrayal so deeply that the idea of taking the difficult steps toward wholeness seems like signing on for more pain. 

And that’s not even the hard part.

The hard part is retraining your mind to do things differently this time around. Establishing new habits in your marriage as you relate to your spouse and others is an absolute must. Battling thoughts left and right as your spiritual enemy attempts to place obstacles in your way is par for the course. 

Keeping a marriage healthy, even one that has not had a significant trauma requires training, maintenance, and goal setting. Doing what it takes when you actually feel like doing the opposite – that is what is required when you deeply care about something or someone.

Restoring a marriage requires two people who are willing to do whatever it takes.

This kind of restoration in a broken marriage doesn’t come cheap. In fact, it’s quite costly. It requires sacrificing every day, crying many tears, biting one’s tongue, choosing to place another’s needs ahead of your own, and enduring a lot of pain. 

But it is possible. Chris and I are living proof. We’ve traversed a major minefield since that fateful, February day in 2002, and although we’ve had some setbacks and disappointing circumstances, we have come out on the other side and now are experiencing a vibrant marriage. We are truly better than new. 

We continue to walk. One foot in front of the other. Holding each other’s hands and hearts as we go. Pressing into God and allowing Him to comfort us when we need comforting. Asking Him to change us in areas where we need changing. And begging Him to free us from things that hold us in bondage.

Take the next step and join us. It’s never too late for redemption.

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

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Infidelity: Saving Marriage ZZ

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken – Day 6

‘But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.’ Isaiah 40:31(NLT)

‘“You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’ But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.’ Matthew 5:31-32(NLT)

‘Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”’ Matthew 19:26(NLT)

I would love to be able to give an absolute answer when people ask me if they should stay in their broken marriages. A simple yes or no would make your decision so much easier, but it just doesn’t work that way. You are the one who has to live with your choice. 

I remember this season in my own life. The question began to plague me almost immediately after Chris’ confession. Within a very short time, I pictured myself as a single mom who would be headed back to work while trying to figure out how to share the parenting with my unfaithful husband. 

In the midst of my panic, I felt like I had to decide my marriage’s fate. A dear friend, Kevin Penry, said, “You don’t have to make that decision today.” With his simple, yet wise counsel, the burden of my future had been lifted off my back, at least temporarily.  The truth was, I didn’t have to know that day or the next week or even the next month. There was no wisdom in deciding the rest of my life within days of the biggest, most devastating piece of news I’ve ever received. 

Matthew 5 tells us that marital unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce. Clearly, this is a serious issue. But just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. I believe in doing everything we possibly can to restore a broken or dead marriage. Many will say that is an impossible feat. And for some situations, it just might be. 

Maybe you feel like you have to decide the future of your marriage today. You feel like if you don’t do something “right now” that you are just wasting more time in a marriage that has no hope. Maybe you don’t want to be fooled again. I get it. I felt this way, too.

If you ever find yourself in shoes that are either pointed for the door to walk away or pointed toward your spouse to stay, pray for God to tell you what to do. He will. I don’t know what the answer will be, but God most certainly does. 

Do you feel yourself panicking over the choice to leave or stay in your marriage? Spend some time today in God’s Word asking Him to guide and direct you with His Word. Keep asking Him daily until He shows you a Word to stand on.

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

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Infidelity: Saving Marriage ZZ

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken – Day 5

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

‘For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. ‘ Romans 3:23(NLT)

“I’ll never forgive you.”

You’ve probably heard someone say these words before. And you realize that’s a death sentence, right? You may have said those words with the intent to inflict pain on the recipient, but saying those words will cause you to endure a slow, bitter, decimation of the soul that will eventually eat away at your from the inside out. It’s not a pleasant phrase to hear when you are guilty of causing pain to another. It’s certainly not good to be the one saying it.

We all make mistakes. We all have done things we regret. My pastor, Craig Groeschel, says, “We judge others by their actions, but we judge ourselves by our intentions.” He’s right. Basically, when I hurt others, I give myself the benefit of the doubt because I know I didn’t mean to hurt the person. But, when others hurt me, I assume they are out to destroy me and want to make my life miserable. Chances are, they just made a mistake – just like I do on a daily basis.

One of the harder parts of forgiveness is that we don’t always feel like forgiving. The problem is that feelings are often misleading and erratic. So to rely on the unreliable for something as transforming as forgiveness is to miss out on a chance to heal and move forward. You know you’ve forgiven your offender when you cease to feel resentment against them.

Forgiving my husband was a choice I had to make. He was repentant and full of sorrow. He apologized to me countless times. But, I still had to make the choice. So I did. It wasn’t easy, and I didn’t really feel like it. 

We all need forgiveness. And we all need to extend that same forgiveness to others – not just today, but every day.

It’s time to forgive.

Do you struggle with forgiving people when they wound you? If so, why? Spend some time with your spouse today and ask him/her if you have wounded them and then sincerely apologize for hurting them. 

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

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Infidelity: Saving Marriage ZZ

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken – Day 4

‘Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.’ 1 Peter 5:7(NLT)

‘When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.’ Isaiah 43:2(NLT)

‘“But you are my witnesses, O Israel!” says the Lord . “You are my servant. You have been chosen to know me, believe in me, and understand that I alone am God. There is no other God— there never has been, and there never will be.’ Isaiah 43:10(NLT)

Grief. 

A poignant distress. Deep mental anguish. Acute sorrow. Overwhelming sadness. Grief is our natural response to the loss of some person or some thing important to us. We grieve over the loss of loved ones, careers, divorces, moving away from friends and family. Grief is inevitable. At some point in our lives we will experience it whether we like it or not.

I cried a lot during the weeks and months after my husband’s confession. I didn’t know I had that many tears in me. And I learned something amazing through those tears. As I grieved, I healed from the inside out. 

But just because I began to heal, it didn’t mean I didn’t get slammed up against a wall every time grief made it’s way back to me. Grief comes and goes. I learned that I had to give myself permission to cry, to feel the sadness, to carry the weight of the burden. This was my new life, my new normal. I had to push through the pain, or it would be with me until I did. 

Many people don’t deal with their grief adequately. Some ignore it; others sink because of it. Maybe this is where you are now. You are constantly reminded of the betrayal in your marriage and you feel like you’re in an ocean of grief. If that is your situation, I’d like to offer you a bit of God’s truth that will do your weary soul some good. 

When I found myself camping out in the “how will I live again” train of thought, I clung to the hope that Jesus would do what He said He would do…make things new. When the moments crashed in on my and I wondered how trust would ever be restored again, I remembered the words of Jesus…with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. 

Friend, this circumstance you’re in is difficult. It just is. But, you have to endure the pain to get on the other side of it. We can’t just skip out on a season of trial. We have to graduate from it.

Spend some time thinking about how you handle your own grief. Do you deal with it in a healthy way or push it aside? What can you do today to help yourself begin to handle it better?

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall