Month: September 2020

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1st Marriage ZZ

HOW DO YOU SPELL L-O-V-E?

Love Is the Greatest
‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)



There are many ways to express love. You can buy gifts, give compliments, a pat on the back, or a heartfelt smile. All of these are valid expressions of love. 

But there is something that speaks even louder to the priority of relationship than any of these things.

That’s why love is spelled T – I – M – E. The depth of a relationship is directly proportional to the time you invest in it.

Last year, our ministry was invited to partner with Johnny Hunt at his annual men’s conference. While attending, I had the opportunity to ask Johnny, “What is the one thing you have learned about marriage that you could share with me?”  He said, “Nothing replaces spending quality time with your spouse.”  Then he shared three statements with me that I have put into my own words.  If these are applied, they will help you grow and strengthen your relationship with your mate.

1. Dialogue Daily



Have at least one meaningful conversation with your spouse every day. Make a point to ask one important question to unlock his or her heart.  Here are some questions I have put on my list, but I encourage you to develop your own:

  • If there is one thing I could change to be a better spouse, what would that one thing be?
  • What do you dream about most?
  • What concerns you most about the children right now?
  • What is the one thing you would like me to do to lead you spiritually?
  • Describe the perfect dream date.
  • Who is your best friend and why?
  • What is most important to you in our marriage?

2. Date Weekly



Secure a night on the calendar every week and jealously guard it.  Make it a priority to go out once a week and have fun together!  When your spouse has one uninterrupted night with you each week, they will know they are a priority!

3. Depart Quarterly



Okay, even if you can’t go to the Ritz Carlton, the idea is to get away from the monotony of life, the stress of kids, the hectic schedule, and enjoy quality time during a weekend every three months with your mate.

It may seem unromantic to be strategic about love.  After all, an exciting relationship with your spouse involves feelings and emotions of spontaneity. But a long-term, healthy, thriving relationship requires a certain level of planning. 

Anyone can fall in love, but it takes work to stay that way. And, being strategic doesn’t mean you have to take the spice out of your relationship.

from 5 Essentials For A Happy Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

From Tell to Show

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4(NLT)

Have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there’s no one else above you? — Rod Stewart, “Have I Told You Lately”

I have one question that—if asked every morning and lived out every day—could cause the most stagnant marriages to grow again. Let’s rearrange the song lyrics above and instead ask ourselves: Have I shown you lately that I love you?

When you open your eyes in the morning and see the person beside you, ask yourself: Did I demonstrate love to her yesterday? Did I invite the Holy Spirit to love him through me yesterday?

Doing this invites us to live out a daily demonstration of love. It’s not perfect, mind you; but it’s purposeful, and our marriages will reap the benefits.

Let me share a small exercise to go along with this question. You can start this today and anticipate the changes over the next week.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4, we see Paul define love as patient and kind.

The Greek word for patient has two roots:

  • Macro = large, long
  • Thymeo = hot, anger, or wrath

So this word patient means to love with a loooooong fuse. How is your fuse today? Do you have a longer or shorter fuse than you did when you got married?

The Greek root for kindness in this text means “useful.”

How useful are you in love? Are you eager to make life easier, or do you begrudge any effort that is inconvenient or time-consuming?

Here’s the challenge: You can change your marriage this week by picking one of these two words, long-fused or useful.

Don’t tell your spouse which word you picked. Instead, pray the Spirit would demonstrate love through you this week in accordance with the word you chose.

Every morning, for the next seven mornings, awake with the question: Did Jesus demonstrate love [patience or kindness] through me to my spouse yesterday in a way that was useful?

Why? Because nothing wakes a dormant marriage like a demonstration of love—true love—that flows from God, through us, to another.

God, it is entirely possible that I’ve wrapped my love in words only. Perhaps showing love hasn’t even been on my radar. Thank You for teaching me that the best way to grow in marriage is to show love. As I choose my word above, I pray Your strength will fill me so that, together, we can love my spouse well this week. Today, and every day, show me specific ways You want to love through me. Amen.

Reflection:

  1. Am I willing to allow the Spirit to love my spouse through me—even in ways that may be inconvenient or time-consuming?
  2. What season of marriage are we in, and how can I invest in my marriage to ensure a successful next season?
  3. In what ways might the Holy Spirit want to demonstrate love to my spouse through me?

from Don’t Walk Away From Your Marriage By Pete Briscoe

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1st Marriage ZZ

Everyday, Ordinary Love

‘After washing their feet, he put on his robe again and sat down and asked, “Do you understand what I was doing? ‘ John 13:12(NLT)

‘I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. ‘ John 13:15(NLT)

‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”’ John 13:34-35(NLT)

I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me. — Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

A traditional Christian song resonates with a chorus reminding us, “They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love.” Others know we belong to Jesus by the way we love each other. “They are watching,” Jesus explained, “so love.”
 


But what does that love look like? Let’s back up and take a look at the Bible chapter where that song came from, John 13.
 


“When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. ‘Do you understand what I have done for you?’ he asked them. … ‘I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. … A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must also love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.’” (John 13:12, 15, 34-35)
 


How was it that Jesus showed His love prior to the cross?
 


He demonstrated service to others daily. Yes, if we are going to be known as His disciples, we must recognize that others are watching how we love each other—but that’s not why we do it. Service is a natural expression of God’s love working through us. Consider the day Jesus washed the grimy feet of His followers. 

Foot-washing perfectly demonstrated what Jesus desired His disciples to understand:

  • Some demonstrations will be awkward. Love in unexpected ways anyway.
  • Some demonstrations will feel “beneath” you. Step down and love humbly.
  • Some demonstrations will need to be repeated. Serve each other and love at every opportunity.

It was an ordinary, everyday act of service that didn’t draw the crowds. It wasn’t permanent; their feet would get dirty again. It wasn’t based upon warm fuzzies and springtime feelings.
 


It was a dirty demonstration of serving others in love.
 


Is there a best way to show love? Yes, at every opportunity through ordinary acts of service.
 


Demonstrating love in a way that replicates You, Jesus, seems impossible. But You don’t leave us to the task alone. By Your Spirit, demonstrating Your love can become my default, my norm! So I pray You will love through me at every opportunity. I ask that we start with those closest to me. Prompt me when You are ready to love another, then simply make me willing to let You do it through me. Amen.

from Don’t Walk Away From Your Marriage By Pete Briscoe

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1st Marriage ZZ

Thaw A Marriage

‘But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. ‘ Romans 5:8(NLT)

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction. — Cynthia Occelli

A while back I read this tweet from a teenager: “My love life will never be satisfactory until someone runs through an airport to stop me from getting on a flight.”

Ahhh, that’s a springtime sentiment, isn’t it? I kind of want to whisper to her, “Summer is coming!”

Here in Texas, we call summer the Dawg Days. It’s hot, humid, and never-ending. In marriage, we call summer the season of babies and sleepless nights (or infertility and yearnings for a medical miracle). There’s carpooling, career-building, and house-buying. Don’t forget the school sports and club sports.

During the Dawg Days of marriage, husband and wife become coworkers—checking off the list, trying to keep up, and falling into bed each night exhausted, covered in sweat.

This goes on for 20 years. Summer for 20 years!

These summer days really affect the fall. As the children grow and the rat race slows, you two will either fall deeper in love, or you’ll fall apart.

If you fall deeper in love, fall becomes a glorious season. It’s all about the small talk over breakfast and swinging on the back porch.

But if your marriage is falling apart, you’ve already learned that you can be married and lonely. Unresolved anger ebbs into a feeling of desperation. You can’t live like this! Something has to change!

This place of discontentment—this “We can’t live it, so let’s end it” mentality—is winter. I don’t want your marriage to be winterized. But if you’re already there, I have a secret to share: A demonstration of love brings life.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

To anyone at the foot of the cross, it looked like total defeat—destruction of the Great Teacher. To those of us who believe, His demonstration of love gives eternal life by a Savior. It’s not the running-through-the-airport springtime kind of love. It’s better than that—and it’s always available through Jesus, to anyone who needs a cool drink of water.

Lord, show me the season of my own marriage. If we’re in summer, strengthen our love for fall. If it’s winter, break open our hard shells so love can grow. But in all seasons, I surrender to Your Spirit, humbly asking that You will love through me in a supernatural way. I want to learn the art of love-filled demonstrations. Show me the way today. Amen.

from Don’t Walk Away From Your Marriage By Pete Briscoe

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1st Marriage ZZ

Fleeting Feelings

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5(NLT)

‘But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. ‘ Romans 5:8(NLT)

Love is not a whim. Love is not a flower that fades with a few fleeting years. Love is a choice wedded to action … I chose you, and I will choose you every day for the rest of my life. — “Karris” in The Blinding Knife by Brent Weeks

Many marriages are in trouble because one spouse or both are trying desperately to re-create the feelings of springtime love. Springtime love makes you feel young again. It’s the star of movies and romance novels alike.

And it’s totally unsustainable beyond spring.

See, springtime feelings of love are caused by adrenaline (and plenty of other hormones) as we experience something for the first time. These experiences, by definition, can only be experienced one time. The second time isn’t quite so exciting. The third time? We’re like, “Yay. Whoopee.” And by the fourth time, it’s like, “Babe, can we do something different?”

Yet some couples mistakenly believe springtime feelings are meant to last. As a result, when one spouse no longer produces butterfly feelings and whimsy, the other spouse either leaves or checks out emotionally.

Here’s some truth: Springtime feelings are fleeting. And if your marriage is based upon fleetings, guess what will happen to your marriage? It will fleet.

So what can you do to keep from getting suckered into Hollywood’s portrayal of love as sentiment? You can learn the biblical definition of love. Biblical love is so much more than feelings and fleetings.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)

If we break down this verse, we’ll soon see that love isn’t a feeling but a demonstration.

  • Patient
  • Kind
  • Satisfied
  • Modest
  • Humble
  • Honors
  • Serves
  • Forgives 

Biblical love is a demonstration. If you are still unconvinced, I have one more place we can look:

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

Father, reveal to me my own misunderstandings about love. If I have been living love as a feeling and not a demonstration, I ask that You correct my course. Lead me away from fleeting feelings and into deep demonstrations of biblical love. I know I can’t love like that on my own. You must love through me. Like a child learning to walk, I pray Your Spirit will show me the steps to sacrificial acts of love. Then I will place full dependence on You to do it. Amen.

from Don’t Walk Away From Your Marriage By Pete Briscoe

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1st Marriage ZZ

The Most Excellent Marriage

‘So you should earnestly desire the most helpful gifts. But now let me show you a way of life that is best of all.’ 1 Corinthians 12:31(NLT)

‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-3(NLT)

The best way out is always through. — Robert Frost

There are lots of ways to do something, but I believe there is usually one best way. For example, when we travel from Texas to Wisconsin, there are three different routes we could take; but I found the best one. More importantly, I figured out the best time of day to leave—7:30 at night. That way you eat a huge dinner, everyone but me falls asleep in the car, I drive through the night, and—BAM!—they wake up in Wisconsin. Brilliant! It’s the best way to get from here to there.

When it comes to marriage, most of us want to know the best way right? Marriage is hard. Sometimes it feels like the best way is out—that the relationship cannot survive another day. Maybe you can’t imagine staying married because you can’t imagine a best way to fix the brokenness.

In 1 Corinthians 12—the chapter right before the famous Love Chapter—Paul writes for the purpose of growing healthy relationships in the body. The church was in a rough patch; terrible behaviors were dividing the congregation. In short, they were falling apart.

Paul wanted the best for them; he wanted them to grow in Christ. He tells them directly in 1 Corinthians 12:31, “And yet I will show you the most excellent way.”

He was saying, “Hey! Listen up! Sure, you can wrestle through this. You can even fall apart if you choose. But that’s not what I want for you. Instead, I’m going to show you the best way—the most excellent way—to grow together.”

It’s a relational principle that can be applied to marriage too. Right after 12:31 comes 13:1 and—you guessed it—the passage on love. I love how The Message paraphrases Paul’s words:

“No matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.” (13:3)

Bankrupt without love. Not growing. Not thriving. Empty and depleted without love.

The best way to grow in marriage is through love. No, not “puppy love.” Not the kind of love you feel for a while but then it fades. I’m talking about God’s love. The intense, pure, unconditional love that not only saved us, but sustains us and works through us. Yes, through that love your marriage can do more than survive. It can thrive.

God, when I’m in the midst of a rough patch in my marriage, it’s hard to remember there is a way out other than quitting. I surrender my desire to quit, and I ask You to guide me away from relational bankruptcy into the way of love. Show me this more excellent way, Lord. I will follow. Amen.

from Don’t Walk Away From Your Marriage By Pete Briscoe

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1st Marriage ZZ

TIME IS MONEY

‘How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony!’ Psalms 133:1(NLT)

‘I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. ‘ Philippians 1:9-10(NLT)

We place great value on our time together. Every decision we make for our family must filter through how it affects our time. Whether it’s sports, lessons, church commitments, or friend time, it must balance with the amount of time Charity and I get to spend together. We have been married long enough to have seen some of our friends and family get divorced over issues that stem from too much time apart. I’m not even factoring in military deployments or job assignments that move one away for an extended period of time. Remaining a couple while not doing life together is nearly impossible and, for many, not desirable.

One of the slipperiest slopes that can lead to a passionless marriage is conflicting schedules. Charity and I have four children. In today’s kid-centric society, it’s easy to over-commit and have us going in opposite directions trying to get our kids to a bunch of activities. However, this divide-and-conquer approach is something we intentionally keep to a bare minimum. 

Along with personal fulfillment, the main reason I went into nursing was for the opportunity to determine my own schedule. Because Charity is an entrepreneur, she is usually able to flex her work hours around our family’s needs. This fluid schedule gives us the privilege of meal planning, shopping, relaxing, and having fun together, building a stockpile of memories and experiences with each other. It allows our bond to grow even stronger because our hearts are in the same place.

Time together is of high value to us, but so is time freedom. Part of what we love to do with our time is serve together. There is nothing quite like having a “helper’s high” together.

We also love to be hospitable. Nearly every week, we host a group of our friends at our house to have dinner and play games. This scratches both of our itches of friend-time and healthy competition. How you spend your time should reflect what you value.

We are not saying that every waking moment should be spent together sharing each other’s air, but we are saying that time together needs to be a high priority. Time is our ultimate currency. You can never get it back once it’s passed and there are no rollover minutes. Your spouse will either increase or decrease in value based on how they feel about the way you spend your time. 

from Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy In Love

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1st Marriage ZZ

DON’T GO TO SLEEP ANGRY

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.’ Ephesians 4:26-27(NLT)

One of the biggest tenets of our marriage code is to never go to sleep angry. Thankfully, we don’t fight or argue a lot, but on those rare and challenging occasions when we do, avoiding each other feels like the easiest thing to do in the moment. 

When we got married, we promised we would resolve whatever the day’s issues were that day rather than stringing them on to another day. Most of these types of arguments stemmed from frustrations or comments that nudged our no-insult rule, while others were usually unintentional hurt feelings. 

If your feelings are hurt by something your spouse likely didn’t even mean, take a moment and think about the grand scheme of things. Diffuse the urge to be offended. In the words of Cher, “If it doesn’t matter in five years, it doesn’t matter.”

In addition to the “no going to sleep angry” agreement, we also agreed to a “no couch” rule. We did not get married to argue. We did not get married to be apart. We wanted there to be no room for division in our marriage and that meant not giving any space to hurt, anger, bitterness, or resentment to set up camp and grow. 

For over half of our married life, we have had roommates and or family members living with us. Nothing helps to hold you to your word like other people watching. Having that kind of accountability was probably a blessing in disguise. We didn’t see it as such at the time, but looking back, we appreciate how it helped us uphold this standard.

Now, we all would like our marriages to resemble fields of flowers and we can strive toward that. But when a fire breaks out and threatens that field, when something breaks in the relationship, our loyalty to our spouse is tested. 

When you disagree, keep the fight clean. Stay on-topic and deal with one issue at a time. Don’t pull the trigger on peripheral areas that make your spouse hurt deeply simply to appease your ego. There will be far more jewels in your crown from leaving these types of things unsaid. 

from Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy In Love

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1st Marriage ZZ

TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ‘ Colossians 3:12(NLT)

‘Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.’ Hebrews 10:24-25(NLT)

So much of good parenting is good “spousing.” When we keep each other’s love-tank full, we are better at everything—better parents, better friends, better employees, better neighbors, all because we are not in starvation mode. 

As parents, we present a unified front. We don’t look for love from our children to replace our spousal love. We aren’t insecure, so we don’t try to be our children’s favorite. Our marital goals are up to date and remind us that our kids are only with us for a little bit while our marriage is forever. Keeping this in mind helps us to parent as a true team. Like any good team, we do our best to relieve each other’s burdens. We can both sense when the other has had a rough day and then take up the slack where the kids, mealtimes, chores, or other duties come into play. The longer you’re married, the better you become at anticipating your spouse’s needs.

While it may not be obvious right off the bat, many needs we have reach way back into our childhood. Maybe there was food scarcity, fighting, abandonment, lack of engagement, infidelity, insignificance, abuse, or other issues. Much of what we are able to do is meet our spouses where they are at and help to mend the gaps in their hearts. 

While neither of us are psychologists, we both have spent a great deal of our lives caring for and listening to people. If we were to boil it down, we all need to feel important, special, noticed, cared for, and needed. We also need to feel that those we love are loyal to us.

If your spouse is asking for something that isn’t on your personal preference list, take time to reflect on what the deeper need is. This will help you have compassion and grace even if you don’t resonate with the specific need itself. Listening is key to understanding and gaining insight. As you peel the layers back, story by story, often what is found are pockets where the love they wanted to feel is missing and the attention they so deeply craved is absent. With every faithful act of love and loyalty, we begin to fill those empty spots and help them feel whole and wholly loved.

from Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy In Love 

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1st Marriage ZZ

COMMUNICATE

‘And do everything with love.’ 1 Corinthians 16:14(NLT)

‘God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. ‘ 1 Peter 4:10(NLT)

Touch is my main love language. It gives me a strong sense of connection to Charity, so the more, the better. Of course, sexual touch is great, but even her rubbing my back or running her fingers through my hair was something I really wanted when we were relaxing together. 

During the day, she would always rub my back, hold my hand, or pull me close, but at night, it felt like she was sort of avoiding me. We would do our nighttime rituals of teeth-brushing and face-washing, maybe have a “married tickle fight,” and, of course, Charity’s favorite thing: pillow talk. But when it was time to wind down, all I wanted was for her to be close and touch me. 

I thought that if I rubbed her back and shoulders while she was lying there beside me, it would give her the idea this was something I wanted quid pro quo. But once I turned over with my back to her, she stayed put and fell blissfully asleep. I was giving her what I wanted, expecting her to reciprocate in the same fashion intuitively. My unspoken expectation was going unmet. With my guy friends, if someone helps me with a project, it makes me want to help them with a project; if they pick up the check at one our hang times, it makes me want to pick up the check at the next. 

I thought Charity knew the code: “What I do for you, I would like done for me in return.” Nope. She did not. Not her fault. It took some time before I told her how I felt. 

One night, when my need for touch went from desire to full-on got-to-have-it, I spoke up and said, “Will you rub my back after I rub yours?” To my surprise, it worked. She rubbed my back. She asked me if this was something I wanted more often. “Ummm, yes please.”

She told me she honestly hadn’t thought about rubbing my back in bed before. She wasn’t withholding something she knew I needed; she simply didn’t know I needed it. Needless to say, many back rubs later, I’m glad I communicated what I needed to her so I could reap the benefits of us having an even deeper connection emotionally and physically. 

from Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy In Love