Month: September 2020

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Dating ZZ

What Is God’s Plan For Marriage?

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.’ Genesis 2:18-25(NLT)

‘Those who trust their own insight are foolish, but anyone who walks in wisdom is safe.’ Proverbs 28:26(NLT)

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.’ Colossians 3:12-17(NLT)

Scripture: Genesis 2:18–25, Proverbs 28:26, Colossians 3:12–17

Let’s be honest: no one plans to end up divorced or stuck in a lifeless marriage. Every couple comes into marriage with the best of intentions. To that end, I want to introduce you to Dan and Tracy whose “happily ever after” did not turn out the way they thought it would. They had been married for twenty-five years, and they hated each other. 

This might seem like a depressing place for a study about marriage to start, but before you can fully grasp the good news of marriage—and believe me, there is good news—you must understand the whole picture. 

Back to Dan and Tracy. After dating and becoming engaged, they met once with the pastor who would marry them. He warned them that they, like all other couples, would argue about in-laws and money. They decided further counseling wasn’t needed. After all, they loved each other. Unfortunately, their marriage didn’t go like they imagined. After two decades of marriage, Dan and Tracy had become roommates. No more flirting. No more dreaming together. Their kids were grown, and all they had was a shell of a marriage. They were isolated, bored, and looked elsewhere for their satisfaction. 

Despite all the pain in their relationship, Dan and Tracy didn’t want a divorce. But they knew their marriage couldn’t remain in its current state. Dan admitted, “Even with our problems, from the beginning, we said divorce was never an option. I encourage all couples to make this decision before you say ‘I do.’ If you’re not in alignment on this one, then you’re not ready to get married.” They decided to get help. They began hard work on their marriage and heart work in their own lives. They invited others into their mess and started the healing process of confession, grief, forgiveness, and reconciliation. 

Tracy adds, “Whenever we talk with premarried couples, we tell them to do all the hard work they can before marriage, so they understand what they are getting into when they decide to tie the knot.” Today, Dan and Tracy have made it to the other side of what could have easily ended their marriage, and it’s beautiful. On their thirty-year anniversary, they renewed their marriage vows and this time, understood what they were committing to as they said “I do, again.” 

What did you grow up believing about marriage? How did your parent(s) model for or teach you what marriage should or shouldn’t look like? 

from Ready Or Knot? by Scott Kedersha

Categories
Dating ZZ

What Is The Point of Marriage?

‘Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands. ‘ Deuteronomy 7:9(NLT)

‘For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:22-33(NLT)

Scripture: Deuteronomy 7:9, Ephesians 5:22–33

Marriage is designed by God to be a lifelong, covenant relationship between one man and one woman that gives a picture of Christ’s loving relationship with His bride, the church. 

The Bible teaches that the unconditional, unbreakable covenant relationship of marriage is similar in many ways to God’s covenant relationship with His children: “I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine,” (Ezekiel 16:8).

God did not create marriage to make you happy. In fact, my friend Gary Thomas, in his book Sacred Marriage, says it this way, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” Happiness might be the by-product of a godly marriage, but God never promised that marriage will make you happy. No human relationship will ever fulfill you, bring you ultimate happiness, or complete you. 

If you don’t have a biblical view of marriage, then you are likely to seek a way out once your spouse disappoints you. You will have unmet expectations—every couple does. Your spouse will let you down, and you will let your spouse down. When this happens, your foundational view of marriage will impact the actions you take and the way you respond. Because God’s love for you is not dependent on your actions, your commitment to your spouse shouldn’t be either. 

By the end of this week, my hope for you is to have a strong understanding about the status of your premarried relationship. I believe you will find yourself in one of three places: 1) you will realize you are ready to tie the knot as you move forward, confirmed in your decision to get married; 2) you will pause the direction you are going—you are not ready to break up, but you’re also not ready to get married until you make some changes; or 3) you will come to the realization that the best decision you can make is to break up and go your separate ways. Building the foundation to a life-long marriage requires a willingness to tackle the hard topics with your significant other before the vows are exchanged.

Do you think of marriage as a conditional contract you can get out of or as a life-long covenant designed by God, intended to mirror His love for us? Why did you answer this way?

from Ready Or Knot? by Scott Kedersha

Categories
Dating ZZ

What Makes a Great Marriage?

‘Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.’ Proverbs 19:20(NLT)

‘And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:5-6(NLT)

Scripture: Proverbs 19:20, Matthew 19:5–6

I love a good wedding. I still get a little choked up every time I see a father walking his daughter down the aisle to meet her adoring groom. She usually holds it together while the groom can’t restrain his tears. I enjoy the conversations, the food, the dancing—and of course, the wedding cake! 

But the best weddings are the ones when I’m excited and hopeful for the bride and groom. We’ve all been to weddings when we’re anxious about the couple’s future. I don’t want that to be your story. I want you to be ready to tie the knot! When you share your vows and say “Till death do us part,” I want you to know what and who you are committing to. 

As a marriage pastor, I’ve also noticed that many couples spend more time planning their wedding than preparing for their marriage. Because our society, and even our churches, put a lot of pressure on couples to have a beautiful wedding, far too many couples slide by important conversations and questions that beg to be asked. Don’t misunderstand me: there is nothing wrong with having a great wedding—unless it’s at the expense of a great marriage.  

During the past thirteen years, I’ve helped thousands of seriously dating and engaged couples, and I’ve officiated close to one hundred weddings. I’ve served alongside couples with successful marriages, and I’ve counseled struggling couples who wish they had never gotten married in the first place. Along the way, I have learned countless lessons about dating, relationships, and marriage that I want to pass on to you. 

This devotional guides you through some essential conversations you can begin to have with your significant other before you tie the knot, including ones you’ve been avoiding, and some you probably didn’t even know you should have. Whether you are considering marriage for the first time or thinking through the realities of remarriage, I want to help you ask the hard questions of each other. 

Lord, we need Your help as we process next steps together as a couple. Please grant us the wisdom to discern how You are leading us as a couple. Help us to be honest, open, teachable, and pure as we prepare for whatever You have planned for us in our relationship. 

from Ready Or Knot? by Scott Kedersha

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

Fault-Proof Your Marriage – Day 3

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

Fault-proofing your marriage involves aligning your mindset with God’s. It also involves going to battle through prayer. We want to guide your journey in prayer through these written prayers and reflective prompts.

Opening Prayer

“Heavenly Father, You say that it is to my glory to overlook a fault. Also, that patience is a virtue and grace a gift. These are things that You have already shown time and time again. If You held my sins and faults against me, I would have no hope. Instead, You willingly forgive and even provide the pathway for that forgiveness to take place through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. 

Receive my praise for Your patience. Accept my worship for your willingness to forgive. I honor Your heart which so readily overlooks my faults. Mold me into Your likeness in my character and emotions, Lord, so that I can reflect You in my marriage. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

Reflect On Your Situation

Use this time to identify patterns that may have crept into your marriage relationship where criticizing or fault-finding exist. It could be in yourself, your spouse or even in both of you. (If your marriage doesn’t struggle in this area, then use this time to thank God and ask Him to continue to protect your marriage from this happening.) 

Once your patterns are identified, pray through each area and ask God for wisdom and awareness on how to overcome them. Seek to replace anything negative that would normally come from your mouth with something positive. Choose something affirming rather than derogatory. 

As you continue to do these things, a tendency toward finding fault will lessen. If it is your spouse who is quick to find faults with you, ask God to intervene in his or her life and convict them of this sin. Then pray faithfully that the Lord will transform your spouse’s mind, heart and words by the power of His Spirit into that which brings life into your marriage instead.

Closing Prayer

“Gracious Lord, help me to be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1:19). Help me to be mindful of what I say both to and about my spouse. Rather than look to correct my spouse, I ask that You help me look to encourage my spouse. Create in me a clean heart and a pure spirit which seeks to bring good and not bad to those around me. Please also cause my spouse not to fall into the trap of fault-finding regarding me either. Give my spouse self-control over what they say to me and about me. Enable my spouse to recognize the good in me and overlook my faults. Thank You for giving us both the ability to improve in this area of our marriage as we trust in You to do just that. In Christ’s name, amen.”

from Fault-Proof Your Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Fault-Proof Your Marriage – Day 2

‘It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.’ Proverbs 25:24(NLT)

‘A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.’ Proverbs 27:15(NLT)

Rather than focusing on the faults of your spouse, focus on what he or she does well. Let your words reflect an awareness of their strengths, gifts and contributions to your relationship and home. You’ll be amazed at how your spouse will seek to do even more positive things in your presence when you point out the good, and not the bad. Affirmation goes a long way toward creating an atmosphere of acceptance and mutual affection. 

And if giving the benefit of the doubt isn’t the way you naturally roll, you may want to consider how many faults you’ve brought to the table as well. Showing grace to each other in your marriage relationship rests on the foundational truth that marriage is comprised of two imperfect people seeking to live in harmony and grace. Faults abound, yes. In everyone. But they do not need to dominate your thoughts, conversations or influence your actions. 

If the fault is at a level that needs to be addressed for the sake of the relationship, address it. But express your disappointments in a spirit that shows honor. Be mindful not to criticize the person while bringing light to a behavior that brought you pain or concern. Then, once shared, seek a solution or approach toward improvement together. Once decided, move on. 

While today’s verses refer only to women, the principles in them transcend gender and can apply to both husbands or wives. They reveal to us the destructive nature of fault-finding to any marriage:

An atmosphere of fault-finding will destroy the intimacy in any marriage, whether it comes from the wife or the husband – or both. If this is something you’ve experienced in your marriage, or do yourself, it is best to seek its removal entirely and look for ways to build each other up through what you think, say and do.

from Fault-Proof Your Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Fault-Proof Your Marriage – Day 1

‘Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.’ Proverbs 19:11(NLT)

A person’s wisdom yields patience;it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11

An elderly grandmother went to lunch with her granddaughter who was about to get married. The granddaughter had always admired her grandparents’ marriage. She wanted to remain married for over fifty years just like they did. Thus, she took this opportunity to glean some wisdom from her grandma about how to keep a marriage strong. 

“Grandma,” she asked. “What did you do in order to have such a long and satisfying marriage?”

“Oh it’s simple,” her grandma replied without hesitation. “When I got married I decided to list ten of your granddad’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would choose to overlook.” 

“You did?” the soon-to-be-bride asked. “What are some of them?” she continued, looking for an example to help her choose herself.

“I don’t know,” her grandma responded. “I actually never did list them. But whenever Granddad did something that made me fume, I’d just say to myself, ‘Lucky for him that’s one of the ten.’”

If you are married, you know by now that you did not marry a perfect human being. Everyone has faults, weaknesses and even oddities. Oftentimes, these don’t come to the surface until after you say “I do.” But living with someone 24/7 reveals a lot. Unfortunately, fault-finding is one of the most tragic things to happen to a marriage. Primarily because there are plenty of faults to be found, on both sides. 

But God instructs us on how to maintain a spirit of love and unity in our marriage when He tells us in Proverbs that it is to our own glory to overlook another’s fault. One way to do this is to always start by giving the benefit of the doubt. 

Rather than jump to conclusions or rash judgments about your spouse’s faults, mistakes or peculiarities, assume the best first. Let that be the foundation for your questions as you seek to understand the situation at hand. 

Then, if there truly is a fault in play (which there will be from time to time), overlook it. Let it pass. Let it go. Not because we are saying so but because God is. 

from Fault-Proof Your Marriage

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

A DIFFERENT KIND OF VACATION

‘But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another.’ Galatians 5:15(NLT)

Does your marriage need a vacation from a particular issue? Is it time to stop discussing—or fighting—over something and lay it down for a while? 

I recently read a blog post from my good friend, Ted Lowe, a speaker, blogger, and the founder of MarriedPeople. Sometimes married couples argue over and over about the same things. Does this describe your relationship?  I pray you’ll be encouraged today as I share an excerpt from Ted’s message with you.

So many married couples get stuck on a particular issue. They have the same fight over and over about finances, parenting, in-laws, sex, or a million other things. When this happens, it’s not long before the issue becomes more important than the relationship. When a wife looks at her husband, she sees the issue. When a husband hears his wife speak, he hears the issue. And, when they think about each other, they think about the issue.

Because both mates may feel passionately about their point of conflict, they may believe they can’t move forward in their relationship until the issue is resolved. This may be the true, such as is the case with infidelity. But I have discovered that most of the time it’s helpful for couples to just take a vacation from their issues.

Two Vacations in One

Some dear friends of ours were stuck on the issue of whether they should move to a bigger house or stay in their current home. This caused great tension in their marriage. They were at our house the night before they were scheduled to leave and they were afraid they were going to fight the entire trip.

So I encouraged them to take a vacation from talking about moving or staying while on vacation. They were surprised by my suggestion. After all, aren’t couples supposed to immediately resolve problems? Shouldn’t they really work to figure it out? Shouldn’t they see a counselor to help them fix it? Sometimes, yes. But other times, it’s best to just take a vacation from the issue.

When our friends returned, they said they really enjoyed being together. They also realized that they needed a vacation from their issue and the tension that it brought with it. Since then, they decided to stay in their current home, because no home is more important than their relationship. But they needed a break from their problem to see it more clearly and to make their marriage the priority again.

A Very Good Reason for a Vacation

Rather than taking a vacation from their issue, our friends could have gone on their trip and done exactly as they feared. They could have fought the entire time. Galatians 5:15 is a good reminder that sometimes a vacation from an issue is the best thing for couples when the tension is high. “If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful, or you will completely destroy each other.”

Wouldn’t a better solution be to take a time out?

A Reminder for People Who Would Like to Take a Permanent Vacation from Their Issues

Sometimes taking a vacation from an issue can feel threatening to spouses who process verbally.  If you are married to a verbal processor, and you suggest taking a vacation from the issues, make sure you reassure her/him that you care about what she/he thinks and feels, and you will definitely revisit the issue later. You can even agree on a particular time that you will talk about the problem again.

Does your marriage need a vacation from a particular issue? Is it time to stop discussing—or fighting—over something and lay it down for a while? You don’t actually have to go on vacation to take a vacation from your problems. You can stay home. And it just might be the best trip you take all year.

from 5 Essentials For A Happy Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

5 SURPRISING WAYS TO INCREASE ROMANCE

‘Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?” “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked. Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”’ Matthew 19:3-9(NLT)

For many couples, romance is easy before marriage. There were no kids to distract, no financial pressures, and no annoying habits. After marriage, we take each other for granted and stop courting each other. Perhaps you’ve grown distant in your relationship and you spend more time with friends and your children than you do each other.

I really like the advice Sabrina Beasley of Family Life gives couples to bring back the desire you enjoyed as a couple early on in your relationship:

1. Communicate.

As simple as it seems, you need to talk to each other. You may be thinking, “But I talk to my spouse all the time.”  I’m not talking about discussing family business. When I say “talk” I mean dream together, share your thoughts, expose your feelings instead of keeping them to yourself. It’s important to turn off the television or put down that magazine and look into each other’s eyes while you converse. Really listen and understand. If your spouse is distracted, then ask him or her to carve out 10-15 minutes just to catch up.

2. Keep short accounts and extend forgiveness regularly.

Nothing will ruin a desire to be with your spouse faster than resentment and bitterness. In return, it also ruins your spouse’s desire to be with you. Fights are going to happen in marriage; there’s no way around it. But you can choose to handle these conflicts in the right way and build up your marriage instead of tearing it down.

In Ephesians 4:31-32, the apostle Paul exhorts, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

3. Use words of affirmation regularly.

The tongue is a powerful tool. Instead of pointing out all of the ways your spouse regularly disappoints you, start to look for the positive attributes. By giving a little praise, more of your mate’s good qualities will stand out, and in addition, you will find your spouse’s heart growing larger toward you as he or she feels more appreciated and adored.

4. Check your expectations.

If you find that your spouse is continually disappointing you, it may not be his or her actions; it may be your expectations. Everyone comes into marriage with a set of unspoken rules about life. “Husbands should always…” and “Wives should always….” These rules are based on conclusions we’ve made watching our own parents and other couples that we admire. But it isn’t fair to create unspoken expectations for your spouse, and then get annoyed when they aren’t followed.

5. Never say the word “divorce.”

Marriage is a covenant that is made to last until death. That may be hard to believe in a culture where divorce is commonplace, but the Word of God is very serious about the promise of vows between man and wife (Matthew 19:3-9).

I’ve heard many couples use the word divorce as a way to threaten and control his or her spouse, such as, “If you don’t stop…I’ll divorce you.” If you choose to handle conflict in this way, your spouse can become afraid that you’re going to leave and find it difficult to trust you. These feelings then lead to bitterness and isolation.

Instead, tell your spouse that you will never leave. Let your husband or wife know that you are willing to work things out because you made a promise to your spouse and to God–to stay in the marriage as long as you both shall live.

from 5 Essentials For A Happy Marriage

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

HIS, HERS, OR OURS?

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

The unity two people experience in marriage should extend into all aspects of their life… including finances. 

When God said in Genesis 2:24, “They shall become one flesh,” He wasn’t just talking about the physical. God created marriage as the highest, most honored, and most intimate of all human relationships.

In fact, in Matthew 19:4-6, Jesus affirms the concept of oneness when he said, “…At the beginning the Creator made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” And if I could add…and money shouldn’t either!

Nothing reveals differences in a marriage more than sex and you guessed it…money! There are times when my wife, Carla, and I don’t find it easy to see beyond the differences to work toward common goals. God often puts opposite personality types together in marriage, not to frustrate them but to allow the strengths of each spouse to balance the weaknesses of the other. This way, two can work as one.

In a marriage, there is no “my money” and “your money” or “my debts” and “your debts”. There is only our money and our debts. Carla and I are convinced it is hard for a couple to experience oneness if they are constantly separating their finances. God will bring a couple closer if, from the very beginning, they establish God’s Word as their financial guide and they faithfully follow biblical financial principles together.

Larry Burkett of Christian Financial Concepts and Crown Financial Ministries believes a couple should never separate their finances including checking accounts, because when they develop a “his money/her money” philosophy, it usually leads to “him-versus-her” mentality in other aspects of the marriage as well. Unwillingness to join all assets and bank accounts after marriage is perhaps a danger signal that unresolved trust could exist in the relationship.

It’s hard to be one when you are financially divided. Does that mean you will always see eye to eye on all financial topics? No. 

Does it mean that one spouse is always right? Absolutely not. 

But it does mean that as a couple you humble yourselves and tell God, “We need help! We don’t have all the answers. We want to live by your financial principles and experience the oneness we desire!”

from 5 Essentials For A Happy Marriage

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

3 ONE-LINERS THAT MADE A DIFFERENCE

Love Is the Greatest
‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)

Life is complicated and you need more than three one-liners in your marital toolbox, but often we make marriage way to complicated by creating our own drama. 

My good friend, Ted Lowe, a speaker and founder of MarriedPeople states, if you have been married long, you know that husbands and wives can see things differently. Here are three one-liners from Ted to help you maintain perspective in marriage.

When I ask people what it takes to have a great marriage, they mostly say one of two things: hard work or good communication.

The problem with hard work is that most people work hard at work, and when they get home, they don’t want to work anymore. Plus, many people don’t know how to work on their marriage, or they think working on their marriage means good communication.

The problem with good communication is that there is typically a spouse who likes to talk and a spouse who doesn’t. I’m not suggesting couples shouldn’t work on their marriage or strive for good communication; I’m just saying many couples don’t. So, what’s the answer? I think the answer is finding super simple applications that work at the speed of life. 

For instance, my wife and I have incorporated three one-liners into our marriage that have been nothing short of life altering.

#1 – “We have rich people problems.”

I’m not sure this originated with Andy Stanley, but we first heard it from him in a Sunday morning message. When we catch ourselves feeling sorry for ourselves for things like not being able to afford to go to Disney World every year, or having a broken sprinkler system, or because we drive older cars, we say, “We have rich people problems.” It’s amazing how quickly that one phrase can bring us back to the reality of how fortunate we are financially. We may not be rich by Atlanta standards, but by the world’s standards, “We have rich people problems.”

#2 – “Do you want me to fix it or feel it?”

I’m not sure where we got this one, but it has saved a thousand fights. Prior to this question, many of our fights went like this: Nancie would share with me an issue or problem she was having. I would tell her all the ways she could fix it.  She would get frustrated and tell me all the reasons my solutions wouldn’t work. Somewhere along the way we learned that most women don’t want their spouse to fix their problems, they want them to feel their problems. Now, this makes zero sense to me, but to Nancie it makes perfect sense. So, now when she shares a problem, I simply ask her, “Do you want me to fix it or feel it?” Ninety-five percent of the time she says, “Feel it.” Then I simply listen attentively. Works like a charm, every time!

#3 – “We know tragedy and this isn’t it.”

I’ve experienced quite a bit of tragedy in my life. I will spare you the details, but I have lost many family members suddenly and way before their time, one of which was my mom when I was 10. So, when we get frustrated with a situation or things go wrong, we often say to the other, “We know tragedy and this isn’t it.” We are quickly and easily reminded of what and who really matters.

Now, I realize life is complicated and you need more than three one-liners in your marital toolbox, but often we make marriage way to complicated by creating our own drama. Having simple ways to get our marriages back on course is crucial. 

Give one of these three one-liners a try for two weeks and let us know what happens.

from 5 Essentials For A Happy Marriage