Month: September 2020

Categories
Infidelity: ZZ

Setting Boundaries

‘Not a single person on earth is always good and never sins.’ Ecclesiastes 7:20(NLT)

‘“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand—even your stronger hand—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.’ Matthew 5:27-30(NLT)

‘Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.’ Matthew 5:37(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Often I see a double standard when it comes to setting boundaries with the opposite sex. We applaud the boundaries our spouse sets while at the same time being reluctant to set the same boundaries for our self. Now, that does not necessarily mean that by not setting boundaries our intention is to cross a line with the opposite sex. Usually it means that we have a false sense of our own capability to handle any situation at any time the way it needs to be handled. My experience as a counselor says you are playing with fire. Any time we think that we are not vulnerable, we are fooling ourselves. All of us are vulnerable and I am including myself in this. For me acknowledging my vulnerability is a smart move. Now I can set the boundaries in place that not only will keep me from crossing the line but will keep me far away from that line in the first place.

Our culture says that boundaries with the opposite sex are not really necessary. Having lunch or dinner with someone is okay. Traveling out of town with someone is okay. After all, it is a business trip. These things that culture says are okay can often be the first step to an affair. Every affair begins with some type of encounter. Limiting or eliminating those encounters is essential.

Peter sat in my office to talk about an issue at his work. His boss was sending him and another executive to a three day conference out of town. The other executive was a woman. Traveling alone with someone of the opposite sex violated a boundary Peter had in his marriage but he also valued his job. He worked hard to get to his position and feared he might lose it over this. What should he do? We decided the best thing was to lay it all out before his boss. Peter would tell him about his boundary and why it was important to him. We prayed together and Peter left my office to go visit with his boss. A couple of hours later, Peter sent me a text. His boss honored his conviction and was sending a third person on the trip with them. Peter’s boss got it but what if he had a different boss? The results could also have been different. My point is this: Good, solid, well thought out boundaries for your marriage are essential. Yes, there may be consequences as you follow them but in the big picture what’s really most important? Your marriage or ???? I vote for your marriage!

Today’s Challenge:

Take time this week to reassess your boundaries or create them if you have never had any. Think of five boundaries that you can put in place to protect your marriage.

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that boundaries are important when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. What boundaries do you currently have in place to protect your marriage when it comes to friendships of the opposite sex?

2. Make time this week to sit down with your spouse and discuss boundaries. Get on the same page about boundaries. Hear each other’s concerns, and respect the boundaries that will make your spouse feel secure in your marriage.

3. It’s important that boundaries aren’t just physical boundaries but that they also protect you against emotional affairs. What boundaries can you put in place to make sure you are not seeking emotional needs from others that you should be getting from your spouse?

4. Pray over the boundaries you have set and ask God to help protect your marriage.

from Infidelity – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
Infidelity: ZZ

Weighing the Consequences

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:3(NLT)

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’ Ephesians 5:21(NLT)

‘A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:12(NLT)

‘Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:18(NLT)

‘The woman named Folly is brash. She is ignorant and doesn’t know it. She sits in her doorway on the heights overlooking the city. She calls out to men going by who are minding their own business. “Come in with me,” she urges the simple. To those who lack good judgment, she says, “Stolen water is refreshing; food eaten in secret tastes the best!” But little do they know that the dead are there. Her guests are in the depths of the grave.’ Proverbs 9:13-18(NLT)

Devotional Content:

When we go back to the story of creation in the first part of the book of Genesis, we see something truly amazing. After God created everything, there was an interesting phenomenon. Everything God created was good until man was alone. God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Then God created woman from a rib that He took from the side of man. Guess what happened next? Everything was good again. As he looked at Eve, I think that Adam was looking for a word that expressed “good” to the millionth power.

My point is that one man and one woman knit together with God was enough. Adam did not ask God to create another woman because he was tired of Eve or wanted some adventure in his life. Eve didn’t ask either. One man knit together with one woman was God’s design. How did we get from there to here?

Don’t forget we were made in God’s image. That means we are not computers or robots. Whenever that first affair happened, on to David’s affair with Bathsheba and to every affair today, there have been consequences. God did not build you in such a way that you could have an affair and not be affected. He didn’t build anyone else that way either. Weighing the consequences of infidelity seems to be something many people are failing to do but that never will change the outcome.

What if before even taking the smallest baby step, each of us before even taking the weighed the consequences? Wouldn’t that make a difference?

Today’s Challenge:

Pray and ask God to help you be pure of heart. Pray for your marriage to be full of honesty and goodness. Even if infidelity has already touched your marriage, God can restore it. He is a God of redemption! It is never too late to have an awesome marriage, no matter what has happened.

Going Deeper:

Each of you write down your top three priorities in your life. Then share your lists and give each other input on this question: “Does your list match how you are living out your life?”

from Infidelity – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
Infidelity: ZZ

Why So Much Infidelity

‘Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ‘ Romans 12:12(NLT)

‘Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:18(NLT)

‘Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.’ James 1:14-15(NLT)

Devotional Content:

I have recently gone so far as to say that infidelity is an epidemic. When we look at the statistics, unfortunately they back me up. Why? There are probably as many reasons as there are affairs but the underlying cause is that we want what we want and we live in a culture that may not say affairs are okay but often turns its head the other way.

As someone pursues an affair, they usually don’t take the time to think through the consequences, and the consequences are enormous. First there is the marriage itself. There are few things more devastating in life than being betrayed by the person who pledged before God to be faithful for the rest of their life. Then there is the ripple effect which affects more people than one can even imagine starting with their children to friends to family members and on and on. If we could look backwards from the end to the beginning first, I think there would be very few affairs. Many times after the affair people have said to me, “I never wanted this for my family.”

No one has to take that step but the solution starts way before that step is even an option. It starts with an unwavering commitment to the vow you made for better or worse. It starts with never taking even a baby step in that direction. It starts with keeping God first and your spouse second every day. Stopping infidelity in your marriage starts with you!

Today’s Challenge:

Take time today to pray together for God to protect your marriage.

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that infidelity is running rampant in our culture today. How have you seen infidelity increase in the community where you live?

2. Dr. Kim shares that in order to reverse this trend we have to commit to building marriages that are virtually affair proof. What is one thing you can do today to protect your marriage from infidelity?

3. Protecting your marriage is one thing but taking a stand against infidelity is another. How will you stand against infidelity?

from Infidelity – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
Infidelity: ZZ

Marriage in Shambles

‘Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?’ Proverbs 20:6(NLT)

‘Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil. ‘ Ecclesiastes 9:9(NLT)

‘The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.’ 1 Corinthians 10:13(NLT)

Devotional Content:

No one ever goes from an awesome connected marriage to a marriage in shambles overnight. It happens one step at a time. Bob and Judy were the perfect newlyweds. They did premarital counseling and were committed to each other and their marriage. They enjoyed each other and felt very connected. Things were so good that they began to take their marriage for granted. They thought, “Isn’t this the way marriage is supposed to be?”

The changes in their marriage were little, but over time the little changes began to mount up. They were gradually drifting apart and hardly noticed. Life got busy and there were more distractions. They knew they were supposed to keep working on their marriage but things had been so good that they thought they could coast for a while. It was coasting that got them in trouble.

A few months later Judy’s company hired Tom, a really nice new guy who was single. Judy and Tom began to see each other at the coffee bar in the office. At first, it was by accident but later it was not. Six months later, Bob dropped by Judy’s office to surprise her and take her to lunch. Judy’s assistant told Bob that he just missed her. She already left for lunch. Bob found Judy and Tom engaged in deep conversation over a table at Bob’s favorite restaurant. Actually, it had been his and Judy’s favorite restaurant together for years. This marriage that began so well was now on the brink of ending in shambles. Trust was now broken.

We always need to remember that there is never a time to just “coast” in our marriages. It takes work every day. It takes work by both. Then the killer is that all too often we take trust for granted. We don’t realize how precious it truly is until it is broken, then there are so many pieces scattered everywhere that we don’t even know where to begin. Our lesson is simple but also very complex. If you have trust, don’t do anything that would chip away at it or worse, break it entirely. If the trust in your marriage is on shaky ground, stop everything today and take the first step in rebuilding it. If it has been broken, ask your spouse what do you can do to begin building it again. Don’t let your marriage end in shambles!

Today’s Challenge:

Dr. Kim shares that trust is something we often take for granted in a marriage. Think of three reasons trust can create an Awesome Marriage.

Going Deeper:

1. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest, how much do you trust your spouse? If trust has been broken, what is your first step in rebuilding trust?

2. Affairs happen in baby steps. What are some baby steps that you can avoid?

3. Dr. Kim shares that most affairs have the same pattern, starting with drifting away from your spouse. What can you do this week to stay connected to your spouse?

4. Pray and ask God to give you the wisdom to protect your marriage from infidelity. If infidelity has already taken place, pray and ask God to heal your marriage and rebuild trust. Our God is a God of restoration and no marriage is too far gone to become an awesome one!

from Infidelity – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

“Rejoice and Share the Blessing of Your Marriage”

‘The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord .’ Proverbs 18:22(NLT)

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? ‘ Ecclesiastes 4:9-11(NLT)

‘Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! ‘ Philippians 4:4(NLT)

‘Always be joyful. ‘ 1 Thessalonians 5:16(NLT)

‘Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts; let them proclaim your power.’ Psalms 145:4(NLT)

“The day you and Stephana get divorced is the day I stop believing in marriage.” Those are the words a friend told me years ago. You talk about stopping you dead in your tracks! Wow. Today, I would advise him to not put all of his hope for marriage in our relationship, but back then I didn’t know what to say.

I was dumbfounded. I was dumbfounded because to me our marriage was highly dysfunctional, and nowhere near the model marriage. We were experiencing major problems, major marital issues, and weren’t always happy in our marriage.

What his comment did to me at the time was open my mind to a couple of things. First, I realized our marriage could have an impact on others, both good and bad. Second, and this took place over time, I realized that my perception of my marriage was somewhat negative. I had a good thing in my marriage (Proverbs 18:22) and I should rejoice, not focus only on the challenging or hard aspects.

God has given you a great blessing in your spouse and in your marriage. Focus on the good in your spouse and marriage, and celebrate. At the same time, your marriage is bigger than you and your spouse. Allow your relationship to be a blessing to other couples. You don’t have to be a marriage “expert” to do this. You can help somebody from your unique experiences in marriage.

Spend some time praying and praising God for each other and your marriage. Talk about what a blessing it is to be married to each other and experience life together. Meditate on the following verses together: Philippians 4:4, 1 Thessalonians 5:16, and Psalm 145:4.

from The 7 Rings Of Marriage

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

“Forgiveness, Healing, and Restoration”

‘For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. ‘ Romans 3:23(NLT)

‘Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. ‘ Hebrews 10:23-24(NLT)

My wife and I hosted a marriage summit in which we interviewed 20 different couples who are living out the 7 Rings through lasting and fulfilling marriages. In addition to interviewing the other couples and learning from their marriages, we decided to jump in the interview seat ourselves. We asked one of the husbands to ask us several questions about our marriage.

One of his first questions was, “Stephana, does Jackie practice what he preaches?” Wow, what a way to come out of the gates! And what a friend (I gave him a list of questions and that wasn’t on the list). Well, my wife didn’t hesitate to answer.

She responded by saying, “Jackie is fallible…” And she went on to say, “We are both fallible.” So true and another one of the reasons why I love my wife.

The same is true about you and your spouse. We all sin, we all make mistakes, we all are fallible. It’s because of this that forgiveness is paramount in a marriage. Without forgiveness there can’t be healing when we go through the challenges that are caused by our own sin. Without forgiveness there is no restoration. Without restoration our marriages are stuck and dying right before our eyes.

Your spouse is going to mess up from time to time. Some, like me, will mess up more often than not. Yet, just like God did with us, we must show the same grace to our spouses.

Spend time in prayer confessing your sins before God and to each other. Ask for His help to turn from them. Ask Him to help you put your hope in Him, not in your spouse (Hebrews 10:23-24).

from The 7 Rings Of Marriage
 

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

“Great Expectations and Never-ending Hope”

‘Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.’ 1 Peter 4:12-13(NLT)

‘We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.’ Romans 5:3-5(NLT)

‘So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ‘ Galatians 6:9(NLT)

Our marriage story is filled with chapters about being homeless, of job loss and financial bondage, of intimacy and in-law issues, of communication challenges, and more. When we said “I do,” despite our vows mentioning challenges, we didn’t really expect them. We definitely didn’t expect the ones we’ve faced nor the severity of them.

I’m not sure these difficulties would have been any easier had we known they were coming, but I’m a planner and preparer, so I prefer to know. Your marriage may have experienced some of the same challenges, or maybe something much worse. The point is marital challenges shouldn’t be a surprise to us (1 Peter 4:12-13). And the good thing is there is purpose in them.

After listening to our problems in a counseling session years ago, the pastor told us that what we were experiencing was normal. Then he gave us an illustration to show us there was a purpose to our trials. He said, “God is using you to create something great in your marriage.”

“Imagine a hammer, chisel, and stone. God is the blacksmith. Sometimes Jackie is the chisel and Stephana is the stone. Sometimes it’s the opposite. God hammers the chisel causing it to break pieces of the stone, which may be painful. But God’s intentions aren’t to destroy either of you or your marriage. His purpose is to make you and your marriage pleasing in His sight.”

We should expect challenges to happen, but be encouraged by them because we know God is creating something great.

Spend some time in prayer giving thanks to God for what He’s doing in your marriage. Encourage each other to continue on, not getting tired of the work and the challenges, but to be expectant and excited about what will be the result (read Galatians 6:9).

Are you a part of a small group or marriage ministry? If so, learn how the 7 Rings Bible study can facilitate small group interaction, encouragement, and accountability in your group.

from The 7 Rings Of Marriage
 

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

“Learning and Loving Each Other”

‘In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.’ 1 Peter 3:7(NLT)

‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:1(NLT)

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

My wife would be considered what some people call a “crier.” It doesn’t take much for her to get the “waterworks going,” as she puts it. To me, her tears often seem to come out of nowhere. This was especially true in our early years of marriage. From my perspective,there was nothing happening—at least nothing worthy of crying over.

But there she’d be, eyes welled up, fighting back tears until she couldn’t hold back anymore. It was a big point of frustration in our marriage. I was frustrated because I had no idea why she was crying. Even after finding out why she was crying, I’d be amazed and say to myself, “She’s crying over that??”

She was frustrated because she couldn’t control her emotions, and the more I asked and prodded and got frustrated, the more emotional she became. Sometimes she wouldn’t say anything. Over time, I’ve learned how hard it is for her and have tried to be more understanding. She’s learned how it makes me feel when I can’t help her.

We’ve both learned more about each other through the years, and we’ve learned to love each other through it. Maybe she was crying over spilled milk. It didn’t matter; my job was to love her. Maybe I was impatient. It didn’t matter; her job was to respond in love.

We must dwell with each other in understanding and respond to all situations in love.

Spend some time in prayer asking God to make you lifelong learners of each other and to allow you to truthfully speak and respond to each other in love. Read and meditate on the following verses: 1 Corinthians 13:1 and James 1:19.

from The 7 Rings Of Marriage

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

“Commitment, Covenant, and Becoming One”

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:6(NLT)

‘and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, ‘ Mark 10:8(NLT)

Our first venture as entrepreneurs was in real estate. We started a real estate investing company that purchased single family houses that were in disrepair or bank-owned through foreclosure. I probably looked at thousands of houses and signed purchase offers on hundreds of them. However, I didn’t become the owner of all of those houses, not even all the ones that we had signed a purchase agreement.

I learned to always use a contingency clause that would allow us to back out of our agreement if we discovered something about the property we didn’t like. Using contingency clauses gave me the freedom to make offers, sign agreements, and even fall in “love” with houses knowing it wasn’t permanent. It’s a great clause for real estate transactions, but a terrible one for marriage.

When we say “I do” to our spouses, before our friends and family and before God, we shouldn’t treat that agreement the same as I did in real estate. No, it’s more than that. A commitment in marriage is more than an agreement contingent upon one or both persons doing certain things. It’s a covenant with unconditional promises.

This is the mindset we must enter into and keep in marriage. Once we commit with “I do,” we have made an unconditional agreement that should not be separated by any man or woman.

Spend some time praying with your spouse asking God to show you how to live out this covenant relationship. Then write a letter of promise to your spouse about why you are committed to your marriage until death and that you’ll honor this commitment no matter what.

from The 7 Rings Of Marriage

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

Starting Fresh

‘The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.’ Lamentations 3:22-23(NLT)

‘For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ Isaiah 43:19 (NLT)

‘Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first. If you don’t repent, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place among the churches. ‘ Revelation 2:5(NLT)

‘Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:1-4(NLT)

‘Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. ‘ 1 Corinthians 16:13(NLT)

‘Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.’ Romans 13:10(NLT)

From Leanna, married to Zach for less than a year

After Zach and I got married, we basked in the excitement of being newlyweds: our first night as a married couple, our first road trip, our first big purchase. We even slightly enjoyed our first married argument.

After several months, the novelty of our married life had worn off. We went to work, we came home, we ate dinner, we watched a show, we went to bed, and we started the whole process over in the morning.

We realized that we needed to start fresh and make investing in our marriage a priority, so we committed to reading devotionals like this together. One of our devotionals encouraged us to pursue one another as if we had just started dating. Before I left the house the next morning, I wrote encouraging words on sticky notes and placed them all over the house.

Not only did these notes make Zach feel loved, they spurred him on. I returned home to find out he’d planned an entire date night. I was so giddy you would’ve thought he was taking me out on our first date.

If you’re feeling stuck in a rut, try something new! Let your spouse know they’re loved. Because love isn’t just an action or a feeling. It’s an intentional choice.

From Zach, married to Leanna for less than a year 

On social media, our first six months of marriage looked like a blast, but in all honesty, Leanna and I were facing battles neither of us expected. I had been turned down by my dream job, her grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, my grandfather unexpectedly passed away, and with demanding schedules, we found little time to spend together.

Something needed to change.

We decided that instead of trying to face our problems individually, we were going to face them together. We started praying and reading the Word together. We began scheduling date nights and starting meaningful conversations over dinner.

We have a saying now: “I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.” These words remind us that our marriage is always starting fresh today.

Whatever your relationship status is with each other, or with God, it’s possible to be like a newlywed and start fresh in your pursuit.

from Relationship Goals