Month: September 2020

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1st Marriage ZZ

The Magic Ratio

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:12-14(NLT)

Love Is the Greatest
‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)

‘There are three things that amaze me— no, four things that I don’t understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman.’ Proverbs 30:18-19(NLT)

Let’s take a look at Gottman’s research on how important it is to be positive in your marriage, as well as the idea of developing frequent, small positive acts toward your spouse. His “magic ratio” is five to one in terms of the balance of positive to negative interactions. Gottman found that marriages are significantly more likely to succeed when a couple’s interactions are closer to the five-to-one ratio of positive versus negative (in other words, five positive interactions for every one negative interaction). According to Gottman, couples with more negative interactions than positive ones are typically headed for divorce.

So imagine for a moment that we’ve followed you and your spouse around with a video camera over the past several weeks. Every single conversation—including inflection (tone) and nonverbal communication (smiles, winks, smirks, eye rolls, gasps, looks of disgust, etc.)—has been recorded and transcribed into written form. The words and nonverbal actions are then sliced and diced into two clear-cut categories: positive and negative. Now we’re going to post the results on the wall and closely evaluate your positive-to-negative ratio. How do you think you’d do? Would you be five-to-one positive or two-to-three negative or maybe even at one-to-one?

To help you move toward a five-to-one marriage, we recommend that you immediately begin to practice three specific actions.

from The First Few Years Of Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

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1st Marriage ZZ

Is Desire Enough?

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 5:21-23(NLT)

‘let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:9(NLT)

‘You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace.’ Song of Songs 4:9(NLT)

Both of us have performed hundreds of weddings and talked with thousands of couples about their marriages, and we’re strongly convinced that how you build your marriage foundation during these first few years is the primary factor for long-term happiness and marital success. Research backs up that statement: Couples who persevere through the first few years of marriage are much more likely to have long, happy, and lasting relationships with their spouses.

We’re going to assume you agree that learning about marriage, developing new relational skills, and putting those skills into practice is critical to the future health of your marriage and is an important part of growing as a spouse. We feel safe making that assumption because you’re reading this reading plan. We want to congratulate you for your desire to learn about being successful in marriage. Desire is an essential foundational action that makes all the difference in a marriage. Without the desire to grow, learn, and change, you’ll drift from your intended destination and what’s most important in your marriage.

Brian and Jenny had desire, but it was focused in the wrong direction. They became a busy, distracted young married couple. They met right out of college, dated for two and a half years, got engaged, and quickly married. Two years later, they were surprised to discover that Jenny was pregnant. They hadn’t planned on having a baby so soon, and they weren’t prepared for the changes that would entail. Their marriage was experiencing a subtle yet unresolved tension, and they knew a baby was only going to inflame the issues that were bubbling under the surface.

Thankfully they realized it wasn’t too late to shift their misplaced desire from their vocations and focus instead on improving their relationship. They read a couple of marriage books, got into counseling, participated in a couples’ conference, and joined a small group from their church. Fortunately, Jenny’s pregnancy triggered a desire in both of them to emphasize their marriage. The effort Brian and Jenny put into improving their marriage as a result of Jenny’s pregnancy has paid off, and they now enjoy a happier, healthier, and deeper relationship.

Jenny’s pregnancy served as a wake-up call for their marriage. They admitted to us that they had simply stopped doing some of the things they knew would benefit their marriage. They hadn’t intentionally stopped; it was an innocent “We just got too busy and distracted” stop. This phenomenon is so very common in the marriages we study that we refer to it as the drift. When Brian and Jenny stopped desiring to grow, learn, and change as a couple, they began to drift from their intended destination. An undercurrent of apathy moved them away from the promises they made to each other on their wedding day.

Here’s what’s tricky: The drift sneaks up on couples. It gradually pulls husbands and wives apart and moves them away from their intended target of a healthy marriage. At first the drift doesn’t seem as if it’s even happening. It’s deceptive. Couples go about their ordinary daily lives, becoming busy and preoccupied, and when they have a wake-up call (like Brian and Jenny) or a relational blowup, they look at each other and realize their marriage has drifted off course.

from The First Few Years Of Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

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Devotion for Women ZZ

The Power Of The Wife’s Prayer Mantle – Day 4

‘But God is my helper. The Lord keeps me alive!’ Psalms 54:4(NLT)

‘And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. ‘ John 14:16(NLT)

‘But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you.’ John 14:26(NLT)

‘But in fact, it is best for you that I go away, because if I don’t, the Advocate won’t come. If I do go away, then I will send him to you. ‘ John 16:7(NLT)

‘So we can say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?”’ Hebrews 13:6(NLT)

‘The greatest among you must be a servant. ‘ Matthew 23:11(NLT)

‘Then the Spirit came upon Amasai, the leader of the Thirty, and he said, “We are yours, David! We are on your side, son of Jesse. Peace and prosperity be with you, and success to all who help you, for your God is the one who helps you.” So David let them join him, and he made them officers over his troops.’ 1 Chronicles 12:18(NLT)

Whenever someone hears the word helper today, wouldn’t you agree that it often brings up negative emotions, perhaps even with a touch of a despising attitude. Who looks up to, respects, or wants to be a helper? 

When I began studying what the Bible teaches about marriage, I studied every verse on the topic, including the key Hebrew and Greek words behind our English translations. Helper is obviously one of the key marriage words, so I traced the original Hebrew word behind helper in every verse in the Old Testament and other related texts . What I learned radically changed my attitudes about the helper from a negative to a shining positive. Let me explain. 

Your overall attitude about being the “helper” while your husband is the primary “provider” controls your attitude and therefore your actions. If you despise a role, then you certainly won’t put much effort into fulfilling it, nor gain much joy from it, because you won’t think very highly about it.

So, who does the Bible refer to as “helper” and is seen more than anyone else as the one who helps? 

The answer is God Himself. 

Over and over again you find God helping others, coming to their rescue, providing what they need, protecting them. Now think about that for a moment. To help is to be like God! How about that paradigm shift, from despising the concept of helper to embracing it as godly? 

In the Old Testament, God the Father is directly involved in helping and serving many different people. David stated it this way in Psalm 54:4: “Behold, God is my helper” (nkjv). 

In the Gospels, God the Son is always serving (another word related to helping) other people. In fact, Jesus said that He was sent by the Father to serve others and to sacrifice Himself for our sins—giving His life to help others with their sin problem. Jesus referred to Himself as a “Helper” in John 14:16: “And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever” (nkjv).

In the New Testament epistles, the Holy Spirit is given to us to be our Helper in John 14:26: “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you” (nkjv). Also in John 16:7: “Nevertheless I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you” (nkjv).

And one of the most straightforward revelations about how we are to think about the role of helper is in Hebrews 13:6: “So we may boldly say: ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?’” (nkjv).

Examining all these passages caused me to totally reevaluate my attitudes toward the concept of “helper.” I realized that to be like God, I must be a servant and help others. Jesus even stated that the greatest among us will be servants of all (Matthew 23:11). 

Will you then change your mind and heart about your God-given role in marriage and embrace the nobility and God-like nature of serving as your husband’s helper? Always keep in mind that you don’t help your husband because he deserves it, but because it’s the Lord’s will for you! 

Open your heart right now, and if you need to, ask the Lord to forgive your past misunderstanding and lack of wholeheartedhelping of your husband. Embrace fully the Lord’s call on your life with your Mantle shining brightly!

Become even more godly than you are at this moment, because you chose to run toward the role of helper as God runs toward you to help you succeed. 

There is one last passage of the Bible that surprisingly reveals how God helps people help others from the life of King David in 1 Chronicles 12:18:

Then the Spirit came upon Amasai, chief of the captains, and he said: 

“We are yours, O David; 

We are on your side, O son of Jesse! 

Peace, peace to you, 

And peace to your helpers!

For your God helps you.” 

So David received them, and made them captains of the troop (nkjv).”

When you rejoice and thank God for your godly role, then heaven will rejoice and your husband won’t know what hit him! He will be amazed as his life becomes maximized at a greater level and you will witness the overflow of this joy in your home. 

Pray regularly for your husband. You are the most influential person in his life. Use that influence for good. 

from The Power Of The Wife’s Prayer Mantle

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Devotion for Women ZZ

The Power Of The Wife’s Prayer Mantle – Day 3

‘But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! ‘ John 15:7(NLT)

With God’s clear purpose of “helping her husband to fulfill his God-given destiny with excellence” in mind, just think how heaven appreciates the wife who continually seeks to achieve that purpose! God’s formula couldn’t be any clearer, could it? God gave you to your husband as a gift to assist him in achieving the goals He has for him. 

Wives are God’s human partner to help mature and maximize their husband. 

Now you know why God’s ears are particularly open to the wife who prays for her husband! When a wife who “seeks to do her husband good” comes to the throne of the Almighty and asks for something to better help her husband, what do you think God’s likely answer will be? She’s fulfilling her calling in the very process while praying for God’s help. She wants help to help. And God will grant that request. 

When you reflect on the various ways the wife can support her husband from Proverbs 31, three primary methods surface: 

  1. Her consistent actions of doing “good” all the days of his life. 
  2. Her supportive attitudes and encouragement so that “her husband safely trusts her.”
  3. Her prayerful appeals to God on his behalf “so he will have no lack of gain.” 

Of everything that the Wife’s Mantle carries, the power of your prayers goes beyond normal actions and attitudes. Why? Because your prayers appeal to God to supernaturally intervene in your husband’s life. Your prayers are far more powerful than any action you may take or attitude you may demonstrate. 

The wives who understand that God is more than willing to intervene in their husband’s life due to their prayers inevitably see amazing results. Why? Because when your motives align with the role of helper that God established, then God is not only pleased, but He begins to put things into action in your husband’s life that achieves both your and His will. And over time, your husband will likely become more and more the man of your dreams.

from The Power Of The Wife’s Prayer Mantle

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Devotion for Women ZZ

The Power Of The Wife’s Prayer Mantle – Day 2

‘Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.’ Proverbs 31:11-12(NLT)

‘Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders.’ Proverbs 31:23(NLT)

“Doing him good” (from yesterday’s Scripture passage) describes the intentional positive actions of the wife on the behalf of her husband. “Not doing evil” describes the intentional lack of negative action of the wife toward her husband, regardless of his selfishness. 

Do you find any exceptions to either actions in these verses or anywhere else in the 1,189 chapters and 31,173 verses in the Bible, like “if he deserves it” or “when he obeys God”? 

You already know the answer. Not one exception. Never. Truly loving (for the husband to the wife) and helping (for the wife to the husband) is absolutely and always unconditional. 

So, what’s the result in the life of the husband whose wife fulfills the biblical role of helper in marriage? I’ll never forget the day when I unexpectedly heard the answer to that question. During a weekend marriage retreat where Darlene and I were speaking, a woman came up to me at the break and said, “Do you want to know the result of being a godly helper? Look right in the middle of Proverbs 31 and read verse 23 and you’ll find God’s answer! It’s the climax: When a wife fulfills her role as the husband’s helper, then the husband becomes respected and even famous!” 

She smiled and then waited patiently for me to find it in my Bible. 

As you can imagine, I couldn’t wait to read verse 23, because I had no idea what she was referring to until I read the verse out loud: 

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land (nkjv). 

She continued excitedly, “The most honored position in the Old Testament was to be invited to sit among the elders at the central city gate to dispense wisdom and direction for those who dwelled within that city. When a married woman truly embraces her God-given role within marriage,” she said, “her man is going to be become far more than he ever could by himself. He’ll become respected in the community for his character and what he has achieved in life.” 

She once again smiled, and as she walked away said, “My man sits at the city gates because of my help. He couldn’t help but become an elder in the land with me as his helper!” 

So, how do I know what kind of husband I am? Just spend some time with my glorious wife. How does Darlene know what kind of wife she is? Just spend some time with her husband—and hopefully look for the nearby gates. 

So, what’s else is in the power of the Wife’s Prayer Mantle? Let’s open the city gates and find out.

from The Power Of The Wife’s Prayer Mantle

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Devotion for Women ZZ

The Power Of The Wife’s Prayer Mantle – Day 1

‘Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!”’ Proverbs 31:28-29(NLT)

‘Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.’ Proverbs 31:11-12(NLT)

You are the only helper God supernaturally and sovereignly assigned to the good of your husband.

Only you. 

No other human in the universe but you.

God reveals across the pages of the Holy Writ how He established universal roles, responsibilities, and rules governing everyone’s marriage. God also sovereignly bestowed an indescribable power for the wife so she can excel as her husband’s helper beyond the ordinary. Why? Because God delegated to you the power necessary to maximize the life of your husband beyond his and your imagination. 

The Wife’s Prayer Mantle is the powerful tool that enables you to unlock everything and anything so that you can overcome as a wife, secretly bringing your husband along with you in the process. What and who your husband becomes and achieves is massively related to the degree to which you have helped him. And wives who flourish in their role will inevitably hear this type of statement from their husband and children from Proverbs 31:28-29: “Her children rise up and call her blessed;her husband also, and he praises her:‘Many daughters have done well,but you excel them all’” (nkjv ).

God holds both husbands and wives accountable to obey Him in their marital roles, regardless of the behavior or response of their spouse. Since these directives are unconditional, then “helping” is not to be earned by good behavior, and “helping” cannot be forfeited by inappropriate behavior. 

The Bible states this principle of the wife always seeking the benefit of her husband in Proverbs 31:11-12: 

The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life (nkjv). 

Let’s look more at this in tomorrow’s reading. 

from The Power Of The Wife’s Prayer Mantle

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1st Marriage ZZ

7: Serve Together as a Family

‘“But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left. “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’ “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’’ Matthew 25:31-40(NLT)

Intentionally creating great memories together as a family can be a constant source of joy, building confidence and values into each member of your family. Work to create a family environment that your family is proud to be a part of. Teach them great character by being a family that serves others together.  

This doesn’t have to be complicated. As an example, you could take your family to the dollar store and let your kids pick out 10-20 pairs of socks, small toothpaste tubes, toothbrushes, and some snacks. Then together as a family, make 10-20 little care packages and head downtown. When you find people in need, offer them a care package and ask if you can pray with them.  

Your family could volunteer for community service, serve at church, visit the elderly in a retirement community, or take all of their trick-or-treat candy to the children in a hospital. Whatever you choose, do it together, and give your kids every opportunity to see you serving others with joy. They’ll understand intuitively the things that you value as a family. The great memories you create together will become a permanent part of them, and you’ll see them living out the Word of God in their own lives. 

from Family-ID: 7 Keys To A Great Family

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1st Marriage ZZ

6: Cultivate an Attitude of Happiness for Others

‘Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!’ Romans 12:9-16(NLT)

A young mother felt challenged year after year to keep her two children’s birthdays “fair.” Although the kids were born two years apart, they were born on the same day of the year. When they were little, they enjoyed sharing a birthday party. But as they grew older, each child wanted their own special party. Inevitably, every year, one party always seemed to turn out better than the other. One child always felt like they had the bad party, while their sibling enjoyed the awesome party.  

But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can learn to keep our hearts and minds so full of joy for others that there’s no room left for jealousy! Model for your kids how they can focus on all of the blessings that God bestows on us as a family. Demonstrate how we can keep our words positive and uplifting. Create a family atmosphere that constantly cheers on the blessings that others receive, both in your family and outside your family.  

Your kids will fall into the comparison trap if that’s where you lead them. Someone else will always have something nicer than you do. But the truth is, you’ll also always have something nicer than what someone else has. So what’s the point? When we compare ourselves to others, the Bible says that is “not wise.” Living in gratitude is so much better. Treat others the way you would want to be treated. Be happy for them when they experience good fortune.  

“Gratitude is the opposite of greed. Raise thankful children, and they won’t envy others.” —Greg C. Gunn

from Family-ID: 7 Keys To A Great Family

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1st Marriage ZZ

5: Create Reminder Memorials

‘Just as Samuel was sacrificing the burnt offering, the Philistines arrived to attack Israel. But the Lord spoke with a mighty voice of thunder from heaven that day, and the Philistines were thrown into such confusion that the Israelites defeated them. The men of Israel chased them from Mizpah to a place below Beth-car, slaughtering them all along the way. Samuel then took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer (which means “the stone of help”), for he said, “Up to this point the Lord has helped us!” So the Philistines were subdued and didn’t invade Israel again for some time. And throughout Samuel’s lifetime, the Lord ’s powerful hand was raised against the Philistines. The Israelite villages near Ekron and Gath that the Philistines had captured were restored to Israel, along with the rest of the territory that the Philistines had taken. And there was peace between Israel and the Amorites in those days.’ 1 Samuel 7:10-14(NLT)

In 1 Samuel 7, the prophet Samuel and the Israelites found themselves under attack by the Philistines. Having lost their first battle with the Philistines, the Israelites begged Samuel to pray for them ahead of the next one. Samuel offered a sacrifice to God and prayed to ask for His protection. God heard Samuel’s prayer, and He gave the victory to the Israelites. Afterwards, to commemorate God’s favor toward them, Samuel set up a stone between Mizpeh and Shen, where the battle had happened. He named that monument Eben-Ezer, which means “stone of help,” announcing to the people, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”  

Certainly your family has faced challenges in the past. You’ll also inevitably experience spiritual battles in the future. But when you do, acknowledge the ways in which God is leading your family. Encourage them that God gives us strength to weather difficult times together.  

And when you emerge on the other side of adversity, invest some time in creating your own “memorial stones” together as a family. Gather things that will help remind all of you how — just as God helped Samuel and the Israelites — He also helps you. Your memorial can be anything that makes sense for your family, as long as it jogs your memory and reminds you all of God’s providence in your life together. We’ve seen families make scrapbooks, shadow boxes with mementos, keepsake boxes, framed art, and journals. Really, the only limit is your imagination.  

Then when neighbor kids come over, your kids will be excited to tell them about the battle, and all about the specific ways our loving God always comes through for our family — time and time again. 

from Family-ID: 7 Keys To A Great Family

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1st Marriage ZZ

4: Teach During Non-Conflict Times

‘Let my teaching fall on you like rain; let my speech settle like dew. Let my words fall like rain on tender grass, like gentle showers on young plants.’ Deuteronomy 32:2 https://my.bible.com/bible/116/DEU.32.2

‘In the same way, encourage the young men to live wisely. And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. Teach the truth so that your teaching can’t be criticized. Then those who oppose us will be ashamed and have nothing bad to say about us.’ Titus 2:6-8(NLT)

Gary Ezzo, the author of Growing Kids God’s Way, wrote: “Moral truth is best communicated in periods of non-conflict. That doesn’t mean we will not teach at times of correction, but it does mean a healthy dose of moral enlightenment should take place throughout the day and in the moments of non-conflict, when the child is not in a position to have to defend his or her actions.”

To add to that, when you see your child do something right — say, gracefully receiving “no” for an answer, or being spontaneously generous, or treating someone kindly, or pleasantly sharing with someone else — highlight that good behavior. Make sure they know that you noticed. Reward them with affirmation. Positive behavior is a big deal, and you should celebrate it together!

Help your kids learn to plan good behavior ahead of time. When you know you’re going to be going out somewhere, remind your kids of specific times when you’ve seen them behave well in the past. Then express your clear expectations for what behavior will be appropriate for wherever it is that you’re going.

“Dads, communicate encouraging words to your children. If you don’t, they’ll internalize your silence as rejection.” —Greg C. Gunn 

from Family-ID: 7 Keys To A Great Family