Month: September 2020

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Saving Marriage ZZ

JUMP FIRST

‘Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.’ Matthew 7:5(NLT)

Every marriage experiences conflict, but for problems to get resolved, someone has to be willing to jump first.

Like most kids, I was pretty adventurous growing up. One day, a buddy and I were out exploring, and we stumbled upon a small ravine. Without a word, we quickly calculated the distance across and how far the drop was to the bottom. It offered the perfect measure of danger. We could make it across, but it would be a challenge. There was just one problem: which one of us was going to jump first.

Let’s face it, that’s human nature. Whether it’s two kids jumping a ravine or two adults resolving conflict, we all want the other person to take the first step. In a marriage, this is often because we focus on our spouse’s behavior rather than our own. For example, one husband admitted he emotionally withdrew from his wife because of her lavish spending habits. The wife, on the other hand, said spending money helped her feel comforted when her husband withdrew. See the problem? Each person blamed their spouse, rather than taking responsibility for their own behavior. It’s a vicious cycle that cripples marriages.

And there’s only one solution: somebody has to jump first! If your marriage needs help, don’t work on changing your spouse. Instead, by God’s grace, consider what you can do to move your relationship in a positive direction. You’ll be surprised at the difference you can make when you take the first step.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage

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Saving Marriage ZZ

IS YOUR REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR?

‘Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. ‘ Romans 12:3(NLT)

The folklore surrounding vampires has been a part of popular culture for over a century. But would it surprise you to know a key element of that legendary story shows up in many marriages?

One of the most well-known characters in classic literature is Dracula, the ghoulish vampire created by Bram Stoker in 1897. Since then, thanks to imagery portrayed in everything from movies to cartoons, vampires have become synonymous with black capes and sharp teeth. But there’s another characteristic often featured in these dark tales: a vampire’s reflection is never seen in the mirror.

On the surface, it might not seem like this obscure quality would have any practical application to our relationships. But let me ask you: on an emotional level, do you see your reflection in the mirror? For many couples, conflict is difficult to resolve because one spouse refuses to see him- or herself as part of the problem. They don’t recognize when they have a bad attitude or when they speak harshly toward others. Even when someone points out these traits, the spouse denies that it’s true.

What about you? Is it hard for you to consider the part you play in problems facing your relationship? If so, you may have trouble seeing a true reflection of yourself. Let me encourage you to work through this issue with a counselor, pastor, or a trusted friend. Marriage problems are created by both partners, but, with God’s help, so are the solutions.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage

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Saving Marriage ZZ

HEALTHY CONFLICT

‘Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.’ Proverbs 12:18(NLT)

Do you and your spouse argue? Most couples do. After all, disagreement in a marriage is natural from time to time. But studies show that how you argue will either strengthen your marriage or weaken it.

One problem in marital conflict is the tendency for couples to argue as if they’re a parent talking to a child. Saying things to your spouse like, “You should do this!” or “You had better do that!” will not resolve a problem. It only creates defensiveness. Why? Because they’re authoritative messages. It’s the way a parent would speak to a child, or how someone in authority would handle a subordinate.

What’s more effective is to talk adult-to-adult. This communicates in both tone and the words you use that your spouse is an adult, an equal. To do this, use “I feel” messages. Things like “I feel upset when you come home late” express your displeasure, but won’t as easily cause your spouse to feel belittled or attacked.

Another important tip is to keep your emotions from escalating. If each spouse interrupts the other and talks more loudly to get their point across, emotions will soon spill over, and hurtful words will be spoken. Stay calm, ask questions, and listen. When your spouse feels as though they’ve been heard, they’ll calm down, and the stage will be set for a healthy discussion.

Into every marriage a little disagreement will fall. But, handled correctly, God can use conflict to make your marriage even stronger.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage

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Saving Marriage ZZ

DON’T PLAY FAIR

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

Do you remember your parents telling you to “play fair”? That’s certainly a good moral to live by in sports or board games. But playing fair is also one of the quickest ways to ruin a marriage.

Good for good; bad for bad. That’s the driving force behind playing fair. It’s a philosophy that says, “If you treat me right, I’ll treat you right. But if you cross me, I’ll hurt you right back.” In a conflict, it means a couple gives each other what they deserve, and that’s exactly the problem.

Playing fair works as long as we give good things to our spouse in return for their positive behavior. But what happens when respect breaks down and one spouse snaps in anger at the other? Often times, the spouse who gets yelled at responds by screaming right back. And just like that, the relationship takes a hit because one spouse has given the other what they deserved. Unfortunately, many marriages operate on this premise, and it’s a significant reason why they fail.

Relationships thrive when we put aside what someone deserves and respond by giving them what they need. When our spouse fails us, they need us to rise above the offense and help them be better, not simply get even with them. It’s an expression of God’s grace and an opportunity to meet your spouse’s mistakes with a response that heals. And it’ll enable your relationship to grow more safe and loving, rather than causing it to deteriorate further.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage

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Saving Marriage ZZ

CONTROL IN MARRIAGE

‘So then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up.’ Romans 14:19(NLT)

Here’s a riddle: Everybody wants it. But if you use it in your marriage, you could lose everything. What is it?

The answer is control. Whether it’s the right sweetener for our coffee or keeping our home at a certain temperature, we all want our life to function in a way that suits us. And what do we do when something doesn’t work the way we like? We try to control it, of course.

Unfortunately, many people employ a similar strategy in their marriage.
Controlling behavior can often occur because one spouse doesn’t feel loved and validated by the other. So they try to control their spouse’s actions to insure they get the relationship they want. But taking charge over a spouse doesn’t foster connection and love. Instead, it destroys it because control erodes partnership and oneness, the very foundation God designed into the marital relationship.

Here is the hard truth: If you control your spouse, you’re in danger of losing your marriage. In many cases, a spouse who feels controlled will try to escape. That may be through an affair, a divorce, or, at the very least, the spouse may spend all of their time with friends or in another part of the house.

The solution is to give up the role of “boss” and to begin cultivating a relationship of warmth and openness. It may take the help of a counselor, but when a couple learns healthy ways to connect and become complimentary in the way God intended, a strong marriage is just over the horizon.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Teach By Example

‘May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace.’ Ephesians 1:2(NLT)

Shift In Purpose 

Thought For The Day

You teach what you know; you reproduce who you are. -Jack Frost  

Verse For The Day

Ephesians 5:1-2 (TPT) Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.

In all our years working with couples and families we have seen miraculous things happen.  We’ve seen marriages put back together. We’ve witnessed sons and daughters who have drifted and strayed away from home and God, come back.  We’ve wept bitter tears, and we have celebrated with tears of joy because of the healing and renewed hope and trust restored in fractured families.  

Here is what we know to be true: We can’t do life alone.  We need each other to pray for us, to encourage us and support us. Why? Because not one of us is perfect.  We’ve all messed up and made mistakes.  When we mess up and fall short of each other’s expectations, it reinforces the fact that we are frail and fragile people.  That is why there is no such thing as a perfect person, marriage, or family.  Only God can help us become who He has created us to be.  That is why we don’t look to each other or to our culture to be something or somebody we’re not.  The only person we should look to as our model, and example, is Jesus Christ.  

With God’s help, we have found three things that we can do to follow Christ’s example when it comes to our spouse and children.  

  1. Love Them Unconditionally

The best way to demonstrate love to one another is by the way we treat one another.  If we want to make the needed shifts in our lives that will create an atmosphere of security in our marriage and our home, we need to start showing unconditional love and acceptance to each other.  How?  By loving them for who they are, not for what they do. 

2.  Lead Them Intentionally

How do we lead with greater intention every day?  We do this in our talk. Why is our talk so important?  Because our kids are listening. Another way we lead with greater intention is in our walk.  Why is our walk so important?  Because our kids are watching.  The sobering truth is that our life is a stage for all to see and hear.  

3. Let Go of Them Purposefully

What is the goal of parenting? To gradually transfer a child’s dependence away from you as a parent until it rests solely on God.  One of our all-time favorite statements on parenting is by Andy Stanley: “Your greatest contribution to the kingdom of God may not be something you do but someone you raise.”

Imagine what it would be like if couples and families decided to stop drifting and start living with greater intention.  Imagine the difference we could make in our world for generations to come.  

This is our prayer for you. Remember, we cannot become who we need to be by remaining who we are.  Our prayer is that you will make the necessary shifts in your family so you can become everything God has made you to be.  

Prayer For The Day

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the journey I have been on the past six days.  Thank you for showing me the necessary shifts I need to make in my marriage and family so we can start living with greater intention.  Help my family to embrace these shifts and to apply them so we can fulfill our purpose in serving you and each other.  In Jesus’s name, amen. 

Make The Shift

Go back over the different action steps or “shifts” at the end of each devotional.  Make sure you have clearly defined your family’s mission and vision statements, and that you have identified your family’s core values.  Put them in a frame and keep them visible for all to see in your home. Remember, our stated values aren’t nearly as important as the values we live out. 

from Family Shift | The 5 Step Plan To Stop Drifting And Start Living With Greater Intention

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Find Life-Giving Friendships

‘As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.’ Proverbs 27:17(NLT)

Shift In Reinforcement

Thought For The Day

When the right people come into your life, you’ll understand why the wrong ones had to leave. -Rodney Gage

Verse For The Day

Proverbs 27:17 (NLT) As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

Whether we realize it or not, the people we choose to associate with will either cause us to drift further away from God and His purposes, or they will inspire us to become more like Him. Spiritually speaking, we need to continuously grow in our friendship with God, our spouse and with others.  As adults, we need life-giving friendships that will sharpen us and reinforce our mission, vision and values in our marriage and family. The same is true for your kids.  The question is, how do we do this with our kids?  How do we help them choose the right kind of friendships?  No matter what age or stage we are in, we need 3 kinds of friends.  We call them the TLC of friendships.  

T-Tough. 

We’re not referring to physically tough, but rather a friend who is spiritually, morally and emotionally tough.  A friend who is secure in who they are in Christ.  A friend who is not afraid to take a stand for what is spiritually, morally and ethically right.  A friend who is not easily swayed by what everyone else is doing.  A friend who will speak the truth in love to us when they see us drifting.  Friends who are spiritually and morally tough will make us better and bolder in our own faith.  And they will help us stay on track in the things that matter most in our lives.  

L- Loyal.

Loyalty says, “No matter what, you can count on me.”  Do you have friends who are loyal? How about your kids?  Loyalty is almost a forgotten virtue in our culture. A loyal friend will be a confidant to you. A friend you can trust and won’t betray you.  Loyal friends also celebrate you.  It’s so important to surround yourself and encourage your kids to surround themselves with friends who celebrate them, not tolerate them.  Loyal friends celebrate our successes and grieve our losses.  So often, we see the opposite, friends who celebrate someone’s losses and grieve over someone’s successes.  Pray and ask God to bring friends who will be loyal to you and your kids. 

C- Committed.  

Loyalty is the inclination of the heart; commitment leads to actions that reflect loyalty.  True friends show their commitments in acceptance and alignment.  True friends also love and accept us no matter what and are aligned with our mission, vision and values.  They are unconditionally committed to help us grow to become and fulfill all that God has for our lives.  

Prayer For The Day

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you that you call us your friend.  Thank you that even when I have proven to be unfaithful, you have remained faithful to me.  Help me to find friends who will make me and my spouse better and bolder.  Help my kids to find friends who will be tough, loyal and committed to them so they can avoid the distractions and pitfalls the enemy wants to use to defeat them.  Today, I will commit myself to being the friend who is tough, loyal and committed to those in my life. In Jesus’s name, amen. 

Make The Shift

The late Jim Rohn once said that we are the average of our 5 closest friends.  Take some time reflecting on your 5 closest friends.  If you’re married, who are the couples you’re spending the most time with?  Take a “friendentory” and ask your kids to do the same thing.  Ask the question, are my 5 closest friends causing me to drift or are they reinforcing my renewed mission, vision and values?  

from Family Shift | The 5 Step Plan To Stop Drifting And Start Living With Greater Intention

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Identify Your GPS

‘For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.’ Ephesians 2:10(NLT)

A Shift In Motivation

Thought For The Day

Your capacity for pain will determine your potential for growth. 

-Brian Houston

Verse For The Day

Ephesians 2:10 (NLT) “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” 

In the last three days, we’ve discussed the importance of getting everyone on the same page or in alignment with each other when it comes to our mission, vision and sharing our core beliefs and values.  As a couple or family, we can all share the same values or qualities that are important to us, but how we express those values is often demonstrated through our goals, passions and struggles. Those 3 things can serve as a guidance system for our families and serve as fuel to motivate us as we strive to fulfill the destiny God has for our lives. 

As a family, it’s important to have clear goals that enable us to bring our mission, vision and values forward with tangible, specific, and measurable steps. In our book Family Shift, we discuss something we call The Family Goal Tree.  It consists of five branches representing five important areas of growth for families: spiritual, relational, financial, intellectual and physical. The mission, vision, and values you set in place for your family bring all five “limbs” to life.  Our values are the roots that sink deep into fertile soil to nourish our dreams. Your family mission and vision statements serve as the ground, the foundation, or soil your Family Goal Tree will use to grow. Each limb of the tree grows in such a way that choices become focused and clear. And as each limb grows, the whole tree becomes stronger to withstand the storms of life.  

When we set clear goals for our lives, marriage and families, it not only brings growth into our lives, but it fuels our passion as well.  It’s your purpose that guides you, but it’s your passion that drives you.  

God has also given each of us a “Divine Design.”  We are not only created by God, but for God so that we can fulfill His purposes in and through our lives.  God has also made us to desire, to want and to strive for something greater than ourselves.  Our passions are often expressed through our personalities as well. There are over 7 billion people on the planet and all of us are as unique as a snowflake, each with different talents, desires and experiences wrapped up in our own unique personality.  

We have learned through the years working with so many couples and families that God never wastes a hurt.  God has a way of turning our pain into our platform.  In fact, it is through our pain that we often find our passion.  Sometimes, our greatest misery can become our greatest ministry. No matter what you have been through or what season you’re in as a person, couple or family, it’s never too late to make some shifts to help give new direction, focus and motivation to your life, marriage and family.  Even our greatest setbacks can be turned into our greatest comebacks. 

Prayer For The Day

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you that you have a destiny for me, my marriage and my family.  Today, I ask that you would empower me and my family to set new goals that will help us fulfill our mission, vision and values as a family.  Help us to discover our unique calling and purpose as a family and never allow the struggles we face to defeat us, but use them to refine us in order to fulfill whatever plans and purposes you have for our lives.  In Jesus’s name, amen. 

Make The Shift

Go to familyshift.com to take our free personality avatar test. You will discover that you are one or a combination of 5 different personalities.  Have your spouse and kids (12 & older) take the test.  Spend some time discussing the unique characteristics and strengths of each personality so that you can better understand each other and encourage each other.

from Family Shift | The 5 Step Plan To Stop Drifting And Start Living With Greater Intention

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Hold To Core Values

‘This is what the Lord says: “Don’t let the wise boast in their wisdom, or the powerful boast in their power, or the rich boast in their riches. But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things. I, the Lord , have spoken!’ Jeremiah 9:23-24(NLT)

A Shift In Focus

Thought For The Day

Our beliefs determine our behavior. What you believe determines how you live. -Rodney Gage

Verse for the Day

‭‭Jeremiah 9:23-24‬ ‭(AMP‬‬) “Thus says the LORD, “Let not the one who is wise and skillful boast in his insight; let not the one who is mighty and powerful boast in his strength; let not the one who is rich boast in his [temporal satisfactions and earthly] abundance; but let the one who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows Me [and acknowledges Me and honors Me as God and recognizes without any doubt], that I am the LORD who practices lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on the earth, for in these things I delight,” says the LORD.”

The word “boast” mentioned in our verse for the day means, “what is most important.”  Our culture likes to “boast” in intellect, power, and wealth.  Those values are supreme and are used to measure our success.  There is nothing wrong with intellect, influence, and wealth.  However, those things alone do not last forever, nor do they guarantee peace and happiness.  

God wants our marriage, our family relationships, and our relationships with others to be in alignment with His values.  What are His values?  According to Jeremiah, kindness, justice, and righteousness are of utmost importance to God.  

How about you? What is most important to you? What are the guiding principles, priorities or qualities that you use to define or shape your marriage or family?   Answering these questions as a family is crucial because what we believe determines how we live.  Our values not only drive our priorities and decisions, but they also shape the culture of our marriage and family relationships.  Chances are, your beliefs and perspective toward how you see things in life were shaped and influenced by your parents, or lack thereof, growing up as a child.  Whether your parents’ influence on your life was positive or negative, it’s important to learn from both the good and the bad to determine what is most important to you.  What will be the non-negotiables that will define and shape your life, marriage and family?  Whatever you decide for them to be is what will set your marriage and family apart.  Let us encourage you to establish a value driven culture in your home and watch a shift take place that will transform your most important relationships for generations to come.  

Prayer For The Day

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you that you are a God of kindness, justice, and righteousness.  Thank you that I don’t have to look to the world anymore to determine what is most important, but rather look to you to determine my beliefs and values.  God, give me and my family the wisdom and strength to align our beliefs and values with what is most important to you.  In Jesus’s name, amen.  

Make The Shift

Take a few minutes today and do the following.

  • Name five things that you loved about your family growing up.
  • Name five things that you did not like about your family growing up.
  • What stirs up righteous anger inside of you? 
  • What makes you especially happy? 
  • What are you most burdened or passionate about?

from Family Shift | The 5 Step Plan To Stop Drifting And Start Living With Greater Intention

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

Start With The End In Mind

‘When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. But whoever obeys the law is joyful.’ Proverbs 29:18(NLT)

A Shift In Direction

Thought For The Day

You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction overnight. -Jim Rohn 

Verse For The Day

Proverbs 29:18 (KJV) “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”  (MSG) “If people can’t see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves.”

When you hear someone talk about having a vision & mission statement, we often associate those statements with corporate America, small businesses or non-profit organizations.  The mission and vision of those companies and organizations are communicated by their leaders and carried out by everyone within the organization in order to help the company, business or organization stay unified around its purpose and mission.  If you’ve ever worked for a company or business that has lost its mission & vision, you know first hand what happens.  There is confusion, chaos, low morale and profits begin to suffer.  The truth is, the marriage and family relationship is no different. Every couple and family needs a crystal clear mission and vision of why they exist and where they are going.  Without it, every marriage and family will drift.  

Our verse for the day, Proverbs 29:18, teaches us, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”  Without vision marriages die, dreams die, passion dies and hope dies.  This is why every marriage and family must start with the end in mind.  Ask yourself the question, who do I want to become as a husband, father, wife or mother?  What do I want my legacy to be?  The problem with vision is that it leaks.  We all experience vision drift at some point.  Vision must be renewed constantly to remind ourselves of who we want to become and where we want to go in our marriage and family.  Having a clear vision will do four things.  It will provide passion, motivation, direction and purpose.  Chances are you need an injection of those four things in your family.  The good news is no matter what stage or season you’re in right now in your marriage or family, you can make a shift.  It all starts with having the end in mind.  

Prayer for the Day

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you that you have a vision and plan for my life, marriage and family.  Thank you that even before I was born or any of my children were born, you had a destiny already planned out.  God help me to recapture and renew the vision that you not only have for my life but for my family as well.  Give me the strength and clarity to cast vision for what could be and should be for our home that will provide passion, motivation, direction and purpose for each member of my family.  In Jesus’s name, amen.  

Make The Shift

Get with your spouse and discuss your desire to clearly define the vision for where you want to go in your marriage and family. Start with defining who you want to become.  Write those statements down.  Then attempt to narrow those statements down to a single sentence that will become your vision statement for your family.  Put it in a visible place to serve as a constant reminder.  

from Family Shift | The 5 Step Plan To Stop Drifting And Start Living With Greater Intention