Month: September 2020

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Day 3: Marital Structure

‘Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.’ 1 John 4:11-12(NLT)

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ‘ Ephesians 5:21-25(NLT)

‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:33(NLT)

‘This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. ‘ John 15:12(NLT)

‘Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.’ Ephesians 5:1-2(NLT)

‘But because Jesus lives forever, his priesthood lasts forever. Therefore he is able, once and forever, to save those who come to God through him. He lives forever to intercede with God on their behalf.’ Hebrews 7:24-25(NLT)

‘May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.’ 2 Thessalonians 3:5(NLT)

Christ is the model for both of you as husband and wife. Look to Christ as to how to love one another in your God-given roles. Only from a deep, personal relationship with God can you love one another deeply from the heart.

Husbands, God has called you to love your wife with Christ’s love, leading the way to nourish and cherish her heart in protective love. Here are five ways to initiate protective love (5 P’s) to help you identify more easily what it means to love your wife as Christ loves her, choosing to express the gospel to her as Christ is the gospel to you: Pursue (to know her as a person as well as romantically), Protect (to come alongside and care for her emotionally), Priest (to pray for her), Persevere (to fight for her and your marriage), and Provide (to be responsible in financial matters in a way that cares for her heart).

Wives, here are five Respectful Responses in your love for your husband: respect (his person), affirm (his strengths and gifts), inspire (his dreams and desires), invite (him sexually), and nurture (him emotionally).

Reflection: You each have a unique role in God’s kingdom—honor and bless what God is doing in each of you, as you love one another as husband and wife. God knows that in this beautiful loving relationship of marriage, you are more able to fulfill your role in God’s kingdom. Consider what areas you need to allow God access to in order to help you love as Christ loves your partner. God’s all-sufficient grace will meet you in your greatest need.

from Daily Habits Of Marital Intimacy

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Day 2: Marital Core Beliefs

‘May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.’ 2 Thessalonians 3:5(NLT)

‘Through Christ you have come to trust in God. And you have placed your faith and hope in God because he raised Christ from the dead and gave him great glory. You were cleansed from your sins when you obeyed the truth, so now you must show sincere love to each other as brothers and sisters. Love each other deeply with all your heart.’ 1 Peter 1:21-22(NLT)

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:3-4(NLT)

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:12-14(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8(NLT)

It is important to build your marriage with strong core values that will anchor you deep upon the rock-solid truths of God. We know the importance of a strong foundation when building or purchasing a home. We go to great lengths to ensure that there are no hidden cracks in the foundation. Luke reflects this truth in Luke 6:48 when he writes about the man of faith: “He is like a man which built a house, and dug deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock” (KJV). The same is true when choosing marriage. A strong foundation for your marriage is needed for all the storms that will invade and attempt to kill, steal, destroy, or divide it.

Your core beliefs are the foundation of your marriage and define what you will do in any situation you encounter. Consider these six core values and what you believe about each of them: covenant to God, commitment to partner, companionship, communication, connection (emotional), and compromise.

Reflection: Work together to create your marital core beliefs that will ensure a strong foundation to build your marriage, in preparation for any storm that may blow in. Consider what changes are needed to keep your marital foundation strong and secure. 

Challenge yourselves to address anything that causes shifts in your marital core foundation. Grace to you both as you travel well on your marriage path of US!

from Daily Habits Of Marital Intimacy

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Day 1: Who Am I Becoming

‘Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. ‘ Colossians 3:10(NLT)

‘And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.’ Philippians 1:6(NLT)

‘But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me—and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace. ‘ 1 Corinthians 15:10(NLT)

‘And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”’ James 4:6(NLT)

‘Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. ‘ Romans 5:1(NLT)

‘We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.’ Romans 5:3-5(NLT)

The Word of God tells us that when God created you, He designed you in His image. It is this Christlikeness that He is committed to developing in you. He has also created you with strengths, dreams, and gifts to fulfill your role in the kingdom. God is fully aware, too, of your humanity, your woundedness, and the darkness that assaults your life on the Earth. He understands that when you join with your partner in marriage, you will both, more than likely, bring with you your share of losses, lies, hurts, and unrealistic expectations. God is prepared and readied to restore you and your partner, but it always starts with you.

Let me introduce you to Becoming. In Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, become is defined as “to grow or come to be.” What I want to convey to you is the value of knowing yourself as God knows you: as you are constantly growing, learning, maturing; becoming more of who you were originally designed to be and what you were destined to do. There is no end to becoming if you will embrace your life as God shows it to you. As you give attention, every day, to your relationships, experiences, beliefs, and responses, inviting Jesus into them, it will help you to keep growing stronger, wiser, healthier, and more fully you.

Reflection: I trust as you journey together you will keep learning to know yourself and your partner as to what is uniquely true and wonderful about each other. May the love of Christ always be your center, to love well with the mindset of “what would love have me do?” In what ways can I be more affirming? What is God doing in my life to help me love and know my partner more deeply from the heart? May God’s grace keep you growing in knowing yourself and your partner in a deeper and more personal way. Remember, two healthy I’s create a healthy US in your marriage.

from Daily Habits Of Marital Intimacy

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Be Unoffendable

‘Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.’ Proverbs 19:11(NLT)

If you are anything like me, then choosing not to take things personally can seem like a daunting task. In a society in which we constantly seek approval and are often taught that the approval of others defines us, it is easy to fall into the trap of becoming offended.

This has happened to me on many occasions with Rachel.

During her custody battle she once said to me, “I am the one they will hold responsible, not you.” 

Let me tell you, I instantly became offended!

Why? Because I was thinking about myself and my feelings. I had failed to take into consideration the fact that in the past, when she had felt that a particular request by her ex was unreasonable based on the parenting agreement, the magistrate had responded, “Well, yeah, it reads that way, but what’s the harm in giving him what he wants?” Even after showing numerous times how she had been flexible with her ex’s requests and seemed to be the only one following the agreement, in the few times someone felt she wasn’t being flexible, it was frowned upon.

My failure to see things from a selfless perspective caused me to take her statement as a personal attack or to feel that she was isolating me from the custody battle. In my mind, I was as much involved in the battle as she was financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

The truth is, she was overwhelmed, and I wasn’t. She dreaded going to court and being in a room of individuals where she felt alone and attacked. I was unable to go into the courtroom or magistrate’s chamber with her. Her ex’s attorney couldn’t care less about me and only wanted to speak with Rachel. My opinion was not considered by others involved in the case in most circumstances. My wife was carrying most of the burden herself.

How can we not take things personally when supporting our spouse through their custody battle?

We can consider why our spouse may have spoken a particular way.

We can also be proactive rather than reactive. 

These simple steps will not only set us up for fewer personal offenses during the custody process but will also help our spouse feel as if we are supporting them and that we care about even the things we cannot control.

from How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Be Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:14(NLT)

One of the hardest things to do, for me anyway, is to be “slow to speak” (James 1:19). Listening is easy—my wife speaks, and I listen. It’s that simple. She sends words out of her mouth that my ears catch and take to my brain. Now the problem for me is what happens next: almost instantly my brain floods with a plethora of ideas, workarounds, new perspectives, or potential solutions, even though Rachel didn’t ask for them. It is as if a dam breaks and the water instantly begins flooding the surrounding area, covering everything—and sometimes causing damage.

When we listen with our ears, we tend to rationalize and instantly attempt to find solutions. This could be because our ears are so close to our brains (of course, this statement is not based on any in-depth scientific research on my part; it’s just a random thought). What I do know from real-life experience is that listening with our hearts allows us to understand our spouse’s perspective with compassion. It allows our hearts to reconnect, to feel what they feel, increasing the desire for us to let them know they are not alone.

We can become the listeners our spouses need.

Here are a few practical ways of doing that.

At the beginning of a conversation, we can remind ourselves that a solution is not necessary unless requested. This way our brains will not get stuck on one particular part of the story as we try to find a solution for each problem.

As we listen, we can try to understand how our spouse is feeling, not think about how we are feeling. This will allow us to respond according to their needs and not according to what we think their needs are.

We can remember that we don’t always have to respond to everything. Sometimes it’s good just to listen and tell our spouse that we understand how they feel and that we are sorry they are going through such a difficult experience.

Finally, we can simply ask our spouse what we can do to help them. This lets them know that we are willing to take action but won’t do it without their approval.

Being quick to listen and slow to speak can be challenging, but it is a great habit that is worth learning both for now and for later on in our marriage.

from How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Be Sensitive to Your Spouse’s Parenting Hesitancies

‘Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:4(NLT)

‘We who are strong must be considerate of those who are sensitive about things like this. We must not just please ourselves. ‘ Romans 15:1(NLT)

I had never thought of myself as a prideful person. I am one of the first to lend a helping hand in any area. I am willing to sacrifice and almost always ready to give to someone in need.

How could I possibly be prideful?

But as I read two amazing books that helped me to gain a better understanding of pride— I realized I actually had a problem with it in some areas.

This was made clear one day when my wife and I disciplined one of our seven children. One of our kids had made a poor choice, and I instantly responded by  yelling, taking several privileges away, including some after-school activities our child loved to do. Then I sent them to their room.

This just so happened to occur right after my wife and I had discussed not responding to our kids in anger but rather parenting them with a specific goal in mind: not to see poor actions repeated.

Clearly my response with our child showed that I hadn’t taken our discussion fully to heart.

To be honest, at Rachel’s request I had instantly became offended and upset. I had responded with a short answer: “Yeah, okay, whatever.” Why had I responded this way? The answer is simple: pride.

When we are walking through our spouse’s custody battle with them, we have to be willing not only to set aside our pride but also to make some compromises in our homes and our parenting. Healthy compromise on matters of parenting or other issues in the home is a great way to kill off pride and help us have greater sensitivity to what is going on with our spouse during this process.

If we view the situation from our spouse’s perspective and make his or her concerns our own, then we will be better able to accept some of these compromises. The question we need to ask ourselves is, what do we consider a win? Is it getting what we want or working with our spouse to find a balance that is best for both of us? 

Compromise can be an invaluable tool. It may mean coming to common ground on an issue with our spouse, even if we don’t fully agree, or that being right or being the winner in a situation is not worth our spouse feeling unhappy or unsupported by us.

from How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle-Introduction

‘Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. ‘ Galatians 6:2(NLT)

My wife, Rachel, and I had very different parenting styles when we first married and created a blended family of five kids (and added two later). This caused a lot of frustration at the beginning of our marriage. Eventually, however, we took action by taking courses, reading books, and engaging in long, frustrating conversations, and over time we began to develop our own blended family story.

A major area of contention was discipline. Rachel seemed to have mastered the importance of discipleship in discipline—the idea of disciplining not to punish but to help a child change his or her behavior—but this was a real struggle for me (and still is at times). But we made a lot of progress in this area, and as we began to parent as one, we saw a major shift in our marriage and family dynamic.

Until the custody battle began!

In this devotional, I share my journey of supporting my spouse through a custody battle. My desire is that you will walk away from reading this knowing how you can support your spouse during his or her custody battle—and why your support is so essential.

from How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent – Day 7

‘Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 4:6-7(NLT)

There’s one more “P” you might consider. Prayer. As parent and stepparent you need to constantly bather the process of presenting in prayer. The principles we’ve given you provide a basic road map, but you need God’s wisdom to know when to zig or zag, when to keep going, and when to back up and start again. Prayer will keep you humble and listening. Praying together will keep your hearts connected and unified. 

If after reading this study you realize mistakes have been made, regroup as a couple. Talk about what you’ve learned and decide how to proceed. Apologies may need to be made. You may need to recalibrate your roles, expectations, and efforts going forward. You may need to strive to heal specific relationships—maybe even the entire family. Prayerfully develop you plan together and be patient with yourselves as you step into the future.

Something to consider: How are you doing with the five principles of healthy stepparenting? What are strengths right now and which need improvement?

from 7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent – Day 6

‘Loyalty makes a person attractive. It is better to be poor than dishonest.’ Proverbs 19:22(NLT)

The ups and downs of stepparenting can be discouraging. And for many, the temptation is to emotionally withdraw to sulk or punish, to get angry, to retreat into your own children, or to just give up. Well, we’d rather you be stubborn. Stubbornly persistent, that is, in gently pursuing the child.

Sometimes the door is open to you, but you have to persist for a very different reason. In total, John and Kerri had three kids in their blended family. His youngest is a Physical Touch child. Her son and his older daughter both respond best to Quality Time. The problem is, John’s kids spend most of their time at their mother’s house where they receive very little Touch or Time from their mom or stepdad.  “At their house, kids are expected to occupy themselves and if they ask for some attention, in effect, they are told to ‘go away,’” John lamented. “If anything, they are told what they are doing wrong and that’s about it. We sort of have to make up for that with extra cuddle time and conversation when they come to our house on Friday nights. We have to make the most of our time with them.”

Kerri’s stepchildren were hesitant to receive love from her when they weren’t getting it from their biological mom. But Kerri doesn’t mind persisting for their sake. “When you love your kids well, it makes it easier for them to carry that love with them to the other home. We can’t make their mom love them better, but we can fill them up before we send them over there.” 

“And here’s the biggest surprise,” said John. “We’ve even noticed this has changed my ex-wife’s attitude toward co-parenting with us. We used to have a toxic relationship with her, but we made a decision that regardless of what came at us we were going to love her however we could. The easiest way to do that is to love my kids well so when they leave here their cup is full. She feels our respect and kindness through the kids and it’s making a difference in how she responds to us. She called me recently—usually she is angry about something—but she didn’t complain about anything or criticize us; she just wanted to coordinate our calendars. I couldn’t believe how considerate she was.”

Did you catch that? No matter their age, loving your kids well fills their cup and helps them cope with life in the other home—and might just help change the attitude of your co-parent toward you.

from 7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent – Day 5

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:12-14(NLT)

Blended family complexity means patience is a must. “My stepson and I can find a good rhythm together in giving and receiving love —until he goes to his mom’s house for a few days. After that, he’s different with me for a while and we have to re-group.” This is a common experience for stepparents. Patience in that season is a must. 

You can also be patient with yourself. “In the beginning I felt so overwhelmed.  I had to step back and take a breather every once in a while, and when I felt like I could give again without feeling resentful that my stepkids weren’t speaking my love language.”  This form of self-care is wise, but be sure to explain to your spouse what you’re doing so they don’t resent you pulling back a little.

Ironically, eagerness trips up many well-intentioned stepparents. It sets you up to give without limits and expect it to be appreciated. Many “wicked stepmothers” are really just overly eager caregivers who are trying to make everything right for a child who has been through many painful experiences. Repairing the child’s life and being desperate for the child’s love and acceptance make many stepmoms appear to be overbearing and emotionally fragile.

from 7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent