Month: September 2020

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Prioritize Friendship

‘Unfriendly people care only about themselves; they lash out at common sense.’ Proverbs 18:1(NLT)

‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11(NLT)

Chad and I don’t have marriage all figured out, but one thing I wouldn’t trade for anything is our friendship. It hasn’t just happened across the years. We were taught to take intentional strategic measures. 

In the beginning, you spend lots of time together learning the ins and outs of the other person, and it’s exhilarating. You imagine life together will only capitalize on this emotional high. That is until other things begin competing for your attention. Between sports, work, phone calls, the Internet, and other interests, your wife’s yada-yada that once stopped you from swallowing a Big Mac now draws zero to little response. 

What your wife really wants is your friendship. 

She can’t tell you her desire is for you to pay attention to her and appreciate her as a person. Instead of evenings separated by sports, video games, and phones, she longs for good conversation. She just wants to talk to you, and for you to talk to her.

If you’re not intentional, your back and forth communication will become a constant dumpster fire, flaring up beyond the rim periodically, sending out sparks that can leave permanent scars. Your bride wants to take precedence in your life over the Internet, the kids, your phone, or whatever else is going on. If she doesn’t, you are communicating LOUD and CLEAR she isn’t important to you, without saying any words. 

To avoid near disaster, prioritize your friendship. One way to begin is to put the technology away, setting it aside at least an hour every evening. Conduct dinner in a technology-free zone, allowing only table conversations. Talk about the day, what you really want to do in the future, or what you have been reading. Be interested, encouraging and listen. Remember that your wife likes the real you. She is your biggest supporter and forever ally. It will likely become a pattern you will look forward to experiencing, and something your kids can grow into. 

Today, what two steps can you take to help your wife know her friendship is important to you?

There you have it—the Five Big Ones. I pray that this shortlist brings clarity into the mysterious workings of the love of your life. May God teach you what He needs you to know so that your marriage will be God-honoring and your greatest joy on this planet.

from What Your Wife Really Wants but Can’t Tell You

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Devotion for Men ZZ

Participation is Key

‘Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ‘ Ephesians 4:1-2(NLT)

‘Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. ‘ 1 John 4:7(NLT)

Once the wedding cake becomes a distant memory and dirty laundry more the reality, loving each other in a marriage relationship begins to feel more dissonant than first experienced. The days grow long with extensive responsibilities. In fact, I know few Christian women who spend their time doing whatever they want. Every day there are essentials left undone. 

In all things that make up your life together, your wife would like your help. Actually, she wants your participation, but she can’t ask you without sounding like your mother. What your bride does NOT desire is for you to check out emotionally and physically, aggravated and bothered. 

Loving each other the way God intends requires doing the nitty gritty together. This element of relationship may take several starts and restarts, but a good way to begin is with a discussion. Talk about what you are observing that needs to be done along with the dual responsibilities shared. Ask her the best way to participate to get everything accomplished. This approach enables you to lead with open opportunities for coming to a workable plan. 

Allow me to offer a word of caution. Please be patient. To be frank, for the first several starts and restarts, your help might not be helpful. Your approach may upset the oiled machine. Her response may be hurtful or vice versa. She also might not have confidence in your motives. A truckload of emotional baggage could burst open across the room, especially if she works outside the home, or has picked up the same bucket of toys 40 times previously that day.

Tim Hawkins, the Christian comedian, captures this Big One precisely when he performs his original song, “I’ll Cleanup for You.” He sings about romancing his wife of twenty years, not with traditional candles, flowers, or cuddling on the couch, but by knowing what she really wants. Grasping a vacuum, that man gets to work without being asked or given a task in order to enchant his bride. Hawkins has learned a thing or two about loving his wife to the bottom of the stacks of dirty laundry. 

Your wife wants your participation. 

Ask the Lord how to lead out on this in your home. Then see how He will have you demonstrate your love for her through the daily grind of life. 

You may be surprised what good comes from your unsolicited participation.

from What Your Wife Really Wants but Can’t Tell You

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Devotion for Men ZZ

Delight in Her

‘Don’t lust for her beauty. Don’t let her coy glances seduce you.’ Proverbs 6:25(NLT)

‘“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ‘ Matthew 5:27-28(NLT)

‘The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.’ 1 Corinthians 10:13(NLT)

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

Everything is connected in the heart and mind of a woman. Or haven’t you noticed? In marriage, what you say, hear, and view with your eyes are intertwined with your personality, integrity, and love for your wife.

What your wife really wants is for you to delight in her– and her ALONE. Not the cute waitress. (Don’t comment or follow with your eyes.) Not the old girlfriend on Facebook. (Unfriend all past relationships or possibilities.) Not the gorgeous colleague at work. (No lunches. Don’t hang out with her. Set boundaries.) Not the scantily clad movie star. (Abstain.) Not the porn. Absolutely NOT.

Your bride walked the aisle for the fairytale. Great news! You are her fairytale. She anticipates being yours. YOUR eyes exclusively electrified by her. YOUR affection reserved for her. You, Mr. Bigshot, have attained Prince Charming status. Your wife is simply wondering how to be THE Princess in your eyes. 

But she can’t tell you. 

Everything around her screams society’s demand to accept a man’s weakness to look and long. “Looking is every man’s struggle. We’re going to look. It’s how God made us,” so we’re told…But is that really true? 

Proverbs 6:25 commands Christ-followers to “not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes.” Then Jesus unravels anything confusing about the matter in Matthew five where he calls even lustful mental activity adultery. This declaration illuminates the Truth. No. God did not design guys to gaze at enticing women to whom they are not married. That behavior is sin, plain and simple. Its power over man was beaten by the cross, just like every other offense. 

In this matter, God was kind in meeting your desires with the woman of your choosing. Gaze away at your stunning bride. She is your standard of beauty and the only place of freedom for your eyes, body, and your mind. Your wife wants you to delight in her alone. What a gift. 

Countless times have I heard my man tell me he delights in me, and me alone, across twenty plus years of marriage. Hearing I am enough never gets old. 

Take some time to consider your affections and the Truth of Scripture. What steps might you need to take to delight in your wife alone? How can you begin communicating your affection and let her know she is enough?

from What Your Wife Really Wants but Can’t Tell You

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Devotion for Men ZZ

Keep Your Promises

‘“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?’ Jeremiah 17:9(NLT)

‘Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.’ Proverbs 4:23(NLT)

‘Can a man scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch on fire?’ Proverbs 6:27(NLT)

‘But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys himself. He will be wounded and disgraced. His shame will never be erased.’ Proverbs 6:32-33(NLT)

Loving your wife second anticipates your ABSOLUTE fidelity. UNLESS you want to destroy her trust, making a knock-down gorgeous bride question her worth… DON’T CHEAT ON HER.

Not in person. Not on a device or even in your head. Do not cheat today, tomorrow, next year or in seven years. Never. This is a non-negotiable our society has offered as normal and expected marriage baggage.

NONSENSE. That’s absurd. 

She doesn’t hear that “It didn’t mean anything to you,” or “It was the alcohol.” She hears, “I don’t love you enough to be faithful.” “I cannot be trusted because I lie, cheat, and have poor judgment.” “You are not enough.”

Our society doesn’t even call this infidelity a moral wrong. Instead, they admit, “I made a mistake.” The Bible declares the act to be breaking the covenant relationship made before God and man. 

This one made the shortlist because your wife can’t ask you to be faithful. She shouldn’t have to, should she? That’s what I thought, too, until I realized God placed it at the top of His shortlist in relating with us. How quickly are we unfaithful to Him in a thousand ways because our hearts are deceitful? The Word calls us then to GUARD our hearts because the heart determines the course of our lives. This is especially true in our marriage relationships. 

Proverbs compares adulterous behaviors to picking up fire and holding it next to your chest. That’s just stupid! A person is going to get burned. But somehow the mind persuades that you’re the exception. You begin believing you will be able to hold that fire without getting burned or even the smell of smoke leaving a trace.

Biblical wisdom sees through that hogwash. For heaven’s sake, so does the Huffington Post. You will get burned. Let well enough alone and miss the loss of relationship, the extensive personal destruction, and disgrace. This one doesn’t just go away. God found it critical enough to be a Biblical deal-breaker. “I’m sorry,” doesn’t fix it. 

Your bride wants you to forsake all others for her and her alone, just like you promised. 

Ask the Lord to show you how to better guard your heart. Are there habits you need to break? New ones you need to begin?

Ask God to begin giving you wisdom in how to demonstrate your faithfulness in keeping your promises to your wife. 

from What Your Wife Really Wants but Can’t Tell You

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Devotion for Men ZZ

Second

‘For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:22-33(NLT)

Let me begin with a little-known secret that may have escaped your notice in Perfect Husband class. Your Christian wife wants to be second. She’s not looking to take a backseat to your affection. She simply understands the significance of your love for God. A personal surrender to Jesus Christ is where an individual learns to live selflessly; and where a husband transforms into a principled leader who loves her as Christ loves the Church.

Paul offers efficacious wisdom to marriage partners in Ephesians that many find offensive. We often get bent out of shape about the submission portion, when the most imposing wording is directed toward the males. Jesus charges husbands to love their wives in such a way that it mirrors how Christ is to present the Church before God: 

“in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.”

Forget what your wife wants. The kind of love God requires from a husband toward his wife cannot be felt or demonstrated without Divine intervention. 

The Bible communicates the serious business of loving your wife. While not natural, God asserts it can be done in concert with Him. There is a settling and security that occurs in your marriage when you begin to relinquish your ambitions and desires to Christ. As this yielding becomes a part of your fiber, priorities change. A husband committed primarily in word and deed to Christ becomes a more gracious and compassionate version of himself. 

In other words, when a man embarks upon loving Jesus as his highest priority, loving his wife in this supernatural way, albeit imperfectly, will likely follow suit. 

But your wife can’t tell you she wants you to love her second. 

Instead, she will pray, encourage you to join a men’s group, or suggest attending church this weekend. She’s not trying to be bossy or steal your “me time.” Your wife senses security and love by your complete surrender to the Savior. 

Today would be a great day to begin asking God to help you love her second–more than you love yourself, by making Him your top priority. 

from What Your Wife Really Wants but Can’t Tell You

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Devotion for Men ZZ

The Bible Speaks

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord .’ Proverbs 18:22(NLT)

‘Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. ‘ 1 Peter 4:8(NLT)

Your wedding might be captured under blue skies on the seashore with sandcastle beaches for posterity, but it doesn’t take long for the waves to wash over those temporary mansions and the clouds to gather. The days and years that follow can be tumultuous. 

Chad and I started out in an unpretentious blue house working five part-time jobs between us, suffocating through the Texas heat with little relief, other than a ceiling fan. We chose the ground for comfort, over our secondhand couch, to eat countless bowls of cookie dough underneath that fan. About most things marriage and life, we didn’t know diddly.

There were zero aspirations for bigger houses or corporate successes. The path was not set toward all the degrees or even establishing a family. No. Our ambitions were more fundamental. We simply wanted our marriage to make itwhen so much was failing around us. 

Marriage is covenant commitment. We wanted the service in a sanctuary (Logsdon Chapel) officiated by the godliest man thinkable, Dr. James Shields, wearing the most solemn attire he possessed (his scholarly robe). More than anything, we were aiming for a marriage that honored God and endured until death do us part. We just didn’t have a clue what to do when we marched out of there, husband and wife.

Let’s face it. Most of us are completely CLUELESS about how to love our spouses when we enter marriage. We don’t have any idea how to love one another earnestly. In fact, a good number of us remain dumbfounded far too long.  

Granted, marriage still holds its conundrums, but after more than a quarter of a century under my belt and countless conversations with brides of all ages, commonalities surface when it comes to what a wife really wants from her husband, but can’t say.

But where your wife can’t speak, the Bible does. So, to any man confused about what his wife really wants, what follows are five BIG ONES she can’t tell you. 

Before we move any further, take a moment today to pray and ask the Lord to reveal the following:

  • His Truth for your relationship,
  • Your heart in relating with your wife,
  • The strengths of your marriage,
  • Any weak places that need to be strengthened,
  • Any sin that needs to be forgiven, and
  • Any celebrations that can take place for progress in the hard places.

from What Your Wife Really Wants but Can’t Tell You

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Saving Marriage ZZ

I Am Who I Am

‘An open rebuke is better than hidden love!’ Proverbs 27:5(NLT)

‘Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 4:15(NLT)

‘“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. ‘ Matthew 18:15(NLT)

Lie #6: You need to accept me as I am, and never, under any circumstance, ask me to change.

The painful part of marriage for many of us is how often we feel that our spouse’s feedback about our flaws lacks both grace and truth. Sadly, many husbands and wives have so much anger and resentment toward each other that when they finally say something about their partners’ flaws, it is unkind (mean, hateful, shaming) and inaccurate (distorted, disproportional, and untrue). As Aristotle so eloquently put it, “Anyone can become angry—that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way—that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.” When it comes to marriage, we sometimes feel our spouses go after our faults at the wrong time, for the wrong purpose, and in the wrong way.

It is important to understand that marriage is about the tender and tough sides of love. It is about being gracious, but it is also about being truthful. Whether we like it or not, God wants to use our spouses as mouthpieces to address our rough edges, those seemingly small things about us that are bothersome and even wounding to our spouses. God can’t do that if all we want from our spouses is for them to “get off our backs” and bathe us in unconditional positive regard.

So, please, listen to what your spouse says you need to change about yourself. It may well be from God Himself. And even if your spouse says things about you at the wrong time, in the wrong way, and with the wrong motive, try to be man or woman enough to listen for the part that is true and to allow God to polish that particular rough edge. Seek your spouse’s input on your flaws and defects. If both of you would be willing to do that, over time not only will you become a better “I am what I am,” but your marriage will also become a better “We are what we are.”

God, I have been defensive about my flaws and have reacted badly when my spouse points them out. Help me graciously receive my spouse’s feedback about my flaws—rather than get defensive or angry—and prayerfully bring that feedback to you.

from The Lies Couples Believe

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Saving Marriage ZZ

It Takes Two to Tango

‘“Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?” The man replied, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.” Then the Lord God asked the woman, “What have you done?” “The serpent deceived me,” she replied. “That’s why I ate it.”’ Genesis 3:11-13(NLT)

‘Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.’ Hebrews 4:13(NLT)

‘Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God. ‘ Romans 14:12(NLT)

Lie #5: Our marital problems are all my spouse’s fault.

The truth of the matter is that both of you are responsible for the state of your marriage, regardless of who committed the offense of the moment or any offenses in the past. Let me explain.

Marriage is an “it takes two to tango” relationship in which both of you contribute, for better or for worse, to the overall health or sickness of the relationship. Think of yourselves as a mixed-doubles team in tennis. If you were to get beaten by an opponent, you wouldn’t blame your partner for this loss, would you? In order for your partner to have been the sole reason for the loss, every ball in the match would have to have been hit only to your spouse, who then didn’t make any returns. This would mean you couldn’t—or didn’t—even participate.

If you want to have a healthy, loving marriage, you have to stop blaming your spouse for how you feel and how you act and you must stop allowing your spouse to blame you for how he or she feels and acts. Two important steps come into play when taking appropriate responsibility in marriage.

First, you have to switch from “you” language to “I” language. Try to discipline yourself to stop saying, “You made me mad.” Say instead, “I feel angry about what you did…” It may sound like semantics, but you are not going to stop blaming your spouse for your feelings and actions until you start using the word “I” rather than “you” in marriage.

Second, when you blame your feelings or actions on your spouse, make sure you apologize and ask for his or her forgiveness.

If you are going to let the truth set you free in your marriage, you can no longer blame your spouse for how the marriage is going or for how you feel or act. And you can no longer accept blame for how the marriage is going and for how your spouse feels or acts. Both of you need to take joint responsibility for how the marriage is doing and sole responsibility for how you feel and act toward each other.

God, too much of my marital life has been spent blaming my spouse for how I feel and how I act. I am truly sorry. Help me to stop blaming my spouse and to start taking responsibility for my contribution to the problems we have in our marriage and for the way I treat my spouse.

from The Lies Couples Believe

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Saving Marriage ZZ

I’m the King (or Queen) of the World

‘The Lord mocks the mockers but is gracious to the humble.’ Proverbs 3:34(NLT)

‘Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ‘ Matthew 11:29(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ‘ Ephesians 4:2(NLT)

Lie #4: I’m entitled to what I want from my spouse.

Having the attitude of Christ in marriage means you understand this: you are not now, nor will you ever be, entitled to anything from your spouse. This means do not think you are entitled to your spouse being loving, kind, thoughtful, supportive, fair, sexual, responsible, hardworking, giving, loyal, attentive, or anything else.

Letting go of feeling you are entitled doesn’t mean you let go of wanting or desiring things from your spouse. It is perfectly appropriate to want or desire that your spouse meet your spiritual, emotional, sexual, and financial needs in marriage and to feel disappointed, sad, hurt, and frustrated when he or she doesn’t. Let’s go back to the life of Christ to understand this.

While Christ never felt entitled to anything from others, at times He put His needs in play and hoped they would be met. For example, when His soul was “overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” about the cross that awaited Him, Christ told His disciples to “stay… and keep watch” while He went off to pray (Mark 14:34). After He finished praying, Christ came back “and found them sleeping” (Mark 14:37). Nevertheless, because Christ didn’t feel entitled to their support, He wasn’t bitter or resentful toward His disciples after they fell asleep when He needed them most.

If you want your marriage to thrive, you must learn to express your needs without feeling entitled to your spouse meeting them. In the days and weeks to come, instead of saying to your spouse, “I expect more time and attention from you than I’ve been getting,” say, “Would you be willing to spend more time with me?” Remember, there is a right way to express your needs to your spouse and to express the hurt and anger you feel when your spouse does not meet them.

I want to challenge you to make a decision right now to drop your attitude of entitlement in your marriage and to adopt an attitude of humility. Instead of demanding, humbly ask your spouse to meet your needs.

God, how incredible it is that You give so much to us but don’t feel owed anything in return. Please help me be more like you, completely humble in spirit. Help me realize that even though I desire love from my spouse, I am to expect nothing from my spouse, that my spouse owes me nothing, and that I am entitled to nothing.

from The Lies Couples Believe

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Saving Marriage ZZ

The Plank in Your Eye

‘Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. ‘ Romans 12:3(NLT)

‘And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. ‘ Romans 7:18-19(NLT)

‘In the same way, you who are younger must accept the authority of the elders. And all of you, dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”’ 1 Peter 5:5(NLT)

Lie #3: I’m a much better person than you.

You must believe two things in order to fight this lie. First, there is nothing about your fallen self that is “good.” The Bible clearly says that all of us come into the world with an inclination toward badness, which is referred to as the “flesh,” or “sin nature.” Paul especially knew his sin nature tainted everything about him, not just certain areas of his life.

What I’m trying to emphasize is that you need to stop denying your flaws across every dimension of who you are. There is nothing about you that your bent toward badness hasn’t stained. Let me put it a different way: You need to get off your high horse and stop believing that there is anything about you that is perfectly good. There isn’t.

Secondly, you have to believe that you are not a better person than your spouse. Each of us comes into the world with a bent to do sinful things, so if you think you are a better person than your spouse, you’re basically saying, “My badness isn’t nearly as bad as my spouse’s badness.” Do you really want to argue that?

You may not like this, but I need to say it: Even if you would never do the same grossly sinful thing your spouse has done, in your natural bent toward sin, you are capable of doing the same thing or have already done the equivalent. God wants you to compare yourself with the only truly good person who ever lived, Christ.

If you want a healthy and thriving marriage, you need to do three things: (1) turn away from the crazy notion that you are basically good and turn toward the biblical view that your natural bent is to sin, (2) accept that you are no better or worse than your spouse compared with Christ, and (3) ask God to help you be humble (have an accurate sense of who you really are) when you interact with your mate.

God, when you look at my many flaws and imperfections, it is not in a condemning or shaming manner. Help me stop being so full of myself that I think I am better than my spouse. Forgive me for believing I am more like You than I am like my spouse.

from The Lies Couples Believe