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Saving Marriage ZZ

Criticism

‘We are traveling together to guard against any criticism for the way we are handling this generous gift. ‘ 2 Corinthians 8:20(NLT)

‘“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? ‘ Matthew 7:3(NLT)

Instead of attacking someone’s self-worth with shame, we can attack their character with criticism as we disappointedly judge their merits and faults. Criticism creates a strong disconnection since most people do not like the feeling of being wrong. The telltale signs of criticism come packaged as “They should’ve,” “They always,” and “They never.” They should’ve rinsed the plates before loading them in the dishwasher. They always load the dishes wrong. They never get the dishes as clean as they could be. 

If our ego gets threatened by someone who does something differently than we do, then criticism is there to level the playing field. Criticism could also come from a need to be the one to express an expert opinion, feelings of insecurity, a counterattack to being criticized, or simply from a lack of skill to deliver well-meant feedback. Whatever the case, it has more to do with the person giving the criticism and not the receiver. 

Criticism is simply a judgment call. The problem is that it is almost always founded on a lack of understanding, false assumptions, and poor results-versus-intent logic. So remember Theodore Roosevelt’s line: “It’s not the critic who counts.” The person who actually does something deserves the credit. 

We can overcome criticism by expressing straightforward comments about concerns in a positive fashion. And it’s a good idea to start the conversation with a positive “I” statement about what is working well. For example, “I appreciate how you keep our dishes from piling up in the sink by frequently loading the dishwasher for us.” Focus on the positives and then express a need without blame. Finally, if you can find humor in the situation without making fun of the other person, then that could prevent an ego duel. For example, “It’s official—we are the classic old married couple battling over clean dishes.” 

God makes it clear that we, mankind, are all sinners on a level playing field and that we are not to judge one another. And if we do choose to judge others, then the same measure we used will also be used to judge us. The good news is the Bible also tells us that when we turn to Jesus, we no longer need to fear judgment because Christ endured it for us. So the next time you catch yourself tempted to judge someone with criticism, try to share some of the grace and mercy you have been given. 

Pray:

God, help us focus on our positive outcomes, accomplishments, and grace so that we do not unfairly judge one another’s actions, intentions, or thoughts.

from Connection Killers

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Shame

‘The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.’ John 1:5(NLT)

The difference between shame and blame is “You did” becomes “You are” as the disconnection becomes internalized. You dropped the ball (blame) because you are clumsy (shame). Shame is a dangerous disconnection agent that can create addictions, depression, anxiety, or worse as we try to cope with the feelings of something being wrong with us. Shame can also manifest as overachieving, dominance, and pride as we attempt to prove to the world that everything is right with us. So beware of shaming others with negative “You are” statements or implications. 

Several things, usually from our childhood, can create this shame monster that triggers our actions throughout life. Criticism, stereotypes, prejudice, judgment, abuse, and comparison can all lead to a negative self-image. Comparison is the emerging shame leader thanks to social media. We often enviously compare our real-life bloopers to others’ filtered highlights that we see on our Instagram feeds. What used to be just some unrealistic magazine and Hollywood images are now constant bombardments of social media posts telling us that we don’t measure up. 

Shame can be overcome with empathy, understanding, and acceptance, especially in the face of vulnerability. If someone is brave enough to open up to you, you can connect with empathy or disconnect with shame. And we can open up to ourselves. Think about what your shame triggers are and challenge your inner critic. You can defeat your own shame with positive self-talk. 

Remember, God has plans for you and created you for a purpose. There are no cosmic mistakes and definitely no wasted souls. The enemy wants to put you on the sidelines with feelings of self-doubt and not measuring up. But you have a spiritual gift and can make a real difference in a relationship, a community, or the world. Practice forgiveness, self-compassion, acceptance, love, kindness, and openness to shamelessly fulfill your potential.

Pray: 

God, help us have the courage to bring our shame issues into light with the right people to listen so that we can defeat shame as we build one another up by nurturing self-worth. 

from Connection Killers

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Blame

‘The man replied, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.”’ Genesis 3:12(NLT)

‘Then the Lord God asked the woman, “What have you done?” “The serpent deceived me,” she replied. “That’s why I ate it.”’ Genesis 3:13(NLT)

Hello, my name is Doug, and I’m a blame-o-holic. But it is not my fault. My childhood is to blame. 🙂 I have a bad habit of walking into a situation with a problem and immediately assigning blame. If our children are playing and I hear something break, I want to storm in and assign the blame. If—no, when—we get lost on a road trip, I want to blame my wife and Siri for not telling me where to turn. And when I fall short on some metric at work, I like to blame our company for not providing me with enough resources. 

The problem with blame is that it does nothing to rectify the situation and only hurts the relationships involved. This disconnection agent has ruined a lot of what could have been fun times and great memories. Life happens, and when the mishaps come, I’ve got to get better at taking responsibility instead of losing the blame game. 

It’s easy and natural to assign blame instead of taking personal responsibility and accepting the personal consequences. Blame offers to defend and preserve our self-esteem since we are “obviously perfect” and any flawed actions or thoughts on our part are the results of an inferior and misguided influence. And when we misjudge the outcome versus the intent, like in the previous sentence, blame offers the solution. But sometimes blame is just a destructive conflict-resolution tool designed to inflict hurt.

Blame usually comes packaged with the classic finger point and “You did” statement. But remember, every time you literally point your finger at someone, there are three fingers on that same hand pointing back at you! So the next time you offer an excuse, which is blame, try to come up with three things you could have done that would have made a positive impact instead. 

Blame is defeated by taking responsibility with an “I” statement: “I could have done [fill in the blank] instead.” “I understand” and “I am sorry” statements also go a long way toward connecting versus disconnecting with blame. A helping hand is always better than a pointed finger in any direction. 

The blame game started with the first two people on Earth in the garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent. The serpent set it all up and continues, to this day, to try to break our relationships with blame. 

Pray:

God, help us take responsibility for our thoughts and actions so that we do not fall victim to blame. 

from Connection Killers

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Stonewalling

‘And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. ‘ 1 John 5:14(NLT)

‘“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. ‘ Matthew 7:7(NLT)

Where apathy is a passive shutdown of feelings that we need to uncover the cause of, stonewalling is a feeling to actively shut down and block all communication. This disconnection creates an impenetrable barrier that tells people, “I’m sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach is unavailable and has not set up their mailbox.” 

Stonewalling can be as obvious as a hand up with palm out, indicating “I’m done,” or as subtle as turning or walking away. Some people will suddenly become preoccupied or frigid, while others may just become busy doing something else. Whatever the evasive maneuver is, if you feel like you can’t get any open communication, then there is a good chance you’re getting stonewalled. 

Why do we shut down and disconnect from others? Here are just a few reasons: 

1. When we become overwhelmed physically or mentally, it’s easy to want to shut things off to prevent any more of a load to carry. 

2. Our emotions can become so intense that they override our ability to think and communicate. 

3. We are simply uncomfortable or unskilled with the topic and choose not to engage. 

4. We fear that opening the lines of communication will lead to a road we are not prepared or willing to travel. 

5. An underlying issue causes us to want to dismiss or minimize others. 

If any of the above five reasons hit home or you experience them when dealing with a particular person, then here are some tips to help get through that wall. The first tip: you can’t break through the wall! The wall is an active attempt to block communication, so it takes an active commitment from the same person blocking to also take it down. You can’t take it down for them. The best course of action is to agree to take a break for at least thirty minutes and try for a commitment for a time to revisit. 

If you are the stonewaller, then during the break, take a walk, do some yoga, or meditate to clear your mind from the feelings that caused you to shut down. Take some deep breaths and reframe the situation. For example, if you feel someone is attacking your character by pointing out your weaknesses, try to see that the other person is an ally who cares enough about your relationship to voice their concern and then look for a solution that leads to growth and a positive outcome. Finally, incorporate an “I’m getting overwhelmed” word or signal to try to prevent any reoccurrences. 

One person who will never stonewall you is God. He always has the communication lines open and welcomes your prayers. You don’t need a formal request or to wait in a queue. Anytime you want to talk, he is there to listen and welcomes it. When we open our hearts and let others in, we strengthen our connections and defeat stonewalling. 

Pray:

God, help me put down the walls in my relationships so that our hearts can come through and guide our actions to connect to one another.

from Connection Killers

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Apathy

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘ Jeremiah 29:11(NLT)

‘Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!”’ John 5:8(NLT)

The research is clear. You must have feelings about something before you can take any meaningful action on it. Apathy literally means “without feeling.” So when we stop feeling emotions about our coworkers, friends, family, or job, it’s just a matter of time before they are disconnected from us. Either way, you’re going to feel. You will either feel for the people in your life or feel the pain of separation and loneliness after pushing them away.

I started this plan with apathy because (1) it’s probably the strongest predictor of a relationship ending in one form or another and (2) if I can’t get you to feel the importance of disconnections, then you are likely to apathetically stop reading the rest of this plan. 

If you think or say the phrases “I don’t even care” or “It doesn’t matter,” then you are most likely opening the door to apathy. A heavy relational blow, a lack of appreciation, redundant and boring routines (hopefully not this plan), and fear of failure can all cause us to not care. If you have experienced any of these recently, then you know how easy it can be to think, “Why should I even care?” But we need to care to stay connected. 

People can tell when you’ve lost interest in them, an activity, or even yourself. But sometimes it’s not as clear for ourselves to realize our priorities have changed. We think we still care about someone or something until it’s too late and that someone or something is gone from a lack of attention. Just like a lack of self-care will have us look in the mirror one morning thinking, “What in the world has happened to me?” A lack of caring for others or our work will eventually come with a similarly shocking wake-up call.

You overcome apathy by first realizing it’s an “inside job.” You have to be the one who owns the decision to keep caring. You can’t rely on external circumstances to make you want to care, and this is actually a good thing because there is nothing you can do to make God stop caring for you! God doesn’t rely on what you are doing or have done to decide if you deserve his care and attention. No matter where you are in your journey, God always has big plans for you.

So add something new to your routines, challenge apathy, unpack and analyze the root causes of any decreased caring, prioritize the important people around you, set goals and then tackle an easy one, and make the decision to show everyone how much you care. You’ll deepen your connections and keep your relationships thriving.

Pray:

God, help us recognize and respond when the Holy Spirit prompts us to care so that we can avoid and overcome apathy in all areas of our lives.

from Connection Killers

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1st Marriage ZZ

A Blessed Marriage – Day 3

‘Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ‘ Philippians 4:6(NLT)

Asking God for His blessings in your marriage includes thanking Him for what He has already given to you. Gratitude is the foundation of growth and requests (Philippians 4:6).. Use these guided prayers to seek greater blessings in your marriage on a regular basis. 

Thanking God

“Heavenly Father, Thank You for Your heart – a heart that takes joy in our own joy. Thank You for creating marriage so that we can experience the depth of true love and intimacy. Thank You that You embody romance in such a way that You provide ways for us to enjoy it with each other. Yours is a gracious heart, for which we are grateful.”

Talk to God Personally

Use this time to name areas in your life, circumstances or in your marriage where you hope to have a greater portion of God’s blessings. Get as specific as possible. If there are any situations that are currently causing you concern, be sure to name those as well. God’s blessings have a way of wiping out worry and providing the atmosphere for gratitude to flow more freely. 

Be sure to thank God ahead of time for what you are asking Him to do. Thank Him with a spirit of expectation and hope, coupled with confidence in His ability and desire to answer. Make a note when you witness Him answering any of these specific prayers. 

Prayer for Blessing

“Gracious Lord, bless us indeed. Bless our home, bless our marriage and bless our love for each other. Place Your hand upon us and let Your hand be the funnel through which Your blessings flow. Lord, please expand the borders of our influence. Expand the areas in which we impact others for good. Expand our careers and our ability to move upward in them. Expand our hearts so that we better reflect Your own. 

Show us ways in which we can serve You and extend the blessings You have given to us. Keep us from evil that we might not experience pain. Keep us from being the cause of anyone else’s pain, especially our spouse. Let us be a blessing in direct proportion to how You have blessed us, and let Your love shine through us causing us to bless others through our smiles, a kind word and as they witness the love which we have for each other in our marriage. In Christ’s name, amen.”

from A Blessed Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

A Blessed Marriage – Day 2

‘Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. ‘ James 1:17(NLT)

‘All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. ‘ Ephesians 1:3(NLT)

Let God surprise you in your marriage with His blessings. Ask Him to delight you in your relationship. When you do, you will discover that God is far more romantic than you may have ever imagined. He loves to show up and show out, providing you with special reminders of His presence and His care. Look for them, they are there if you will take the time to ask and then believe. 

Bear in mind that blessings don’t always mean something like a new car or a new house. Blessings in your marriage may be an increased ability to appreciate and enjoy your spouse. Or it could be a heightened attraction toward each other. 

It might include an expansion of the impact you are making on those around you, for good. And the awareness that as a couple you are able to do more for God when you work together as a team. 

Never be too shy to ask God to bless you. Pray it daily. Then watch what God does both in you and through you as a married couple. Blessings abound when your hearts seek the Giver of all good things, and you humble yourselves before Him in adoration, gratitude and praise. 

Closing Prayer

“Heavenly Father, You are seated in the heavenlies – high and lifted up, above all of Your creation. Your Word tells us that every good and perfect gift comes from You for You are the giver of all good things (James 1:17). And that You have already given us every spiritual blessing we are to have (Ephesians 1:3). It has already been determined by You to bless us. We only need to access this blessing through hearts set on You and aligning ourselves under You, asking You to pour out Your blessing onto us. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

from A Blessed Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

A Blessed Marriage – Day 1

‘He was the one who prayed to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and expand my territory! Please be with me in all that I do, and keep me from all trouble and pain!” And God granted him his request.’ 1 Chronicles 4:10(NLT)

“Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, ‘Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.’ 

And God granted his request.” 1 Chronicles 4:10

Ask For Your Blessing

A young boy went to the local shop on Main Street with his mom one day while doing errands. They knew the shop owner by name and he greeted both of them when they entered. His mom picked up the few items she needed and was ready to check out when the shop owner looked down at the young boy and then held out a jar of individually wrapped starbursts. “Grab you a handful,” the shop owner offered. The young boy looked at the jar of candy and then put his hands in his pockets.

Assuming he had a sudden bout of shyness, the shop owner reached in the jar himself and pulled out a handful, placing the candies into the mom’s bag. When they eventually got outside, the mom asked her son why he didn’t get the candies himself. The young boy smiled and promptly replied, “His hand is bigger than mine.”

God’s blessings come bigger than anything we could ever piece together ourselves. He knows the desires of our hearts and what will truly cause us to be happy. Trusting Him to bless us in our marriage means letting go of our own attempts at fixing, creating or manufacturing what we hope will become happiness. Rather, it requires us to rest in the knowledge like the young boy that God’s hands, and His heart, are bigger than our own. 

from A Blessed Marriage

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Dating ZZ

Pray About It

‘Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 4:6-7(NLT)

‘Then Naomi said to her, “Just be patient, my daughter, until we hear what happens. The man won’t rest until he has settled things today.”’ Ruth 3:18(NLT)

In concluding this 7-day devotional plan, I want to say that you will not attract to you what you are not. I hope you say, “I want to marry a person one day who loves the Lord loyally, who will love me faithfully, who will be pure in this relationship with me, and will guard the sanctity of our marriage.” If you desire that kind of spouse, then you need to be that kind of person. Like attracts like. You reap what you sow. If you put certain seeds on the ground, that’s the crop you get. You and I can’t go out tomorrow, plant tomatoes and get apple trees. If you plant tomatoes, what are you going to get? Tomatoes! If you sow a life of disregarding the Word of God and disregarding His plans for relationship and marriage, don’t be surprised when you reap the whirlwind in your own relationship. 

Pray for your future husband or wife. We’re certainly not a model, but it is a joy for my wife to be able to tell our children that she prayed for God to give her a husband who would love Him and as a result love her. She had not been in church very long (she first set foot in a church at the age of 16 and married at age 18), but she practiced that very early on when she was taught that at her youth group. Pray that you can gain discernment to know between right and wrong when it comes to deciding who you want your spouse to be. Pray for God to give you wisdom and discernment and to send that person your way, in His timing. 

In the book of Ruth, we see how she is submissive and obedient to her mother-in-law’s orders and plan for her when she requested marriage. Yet even when she did everything her mother-in-law, Naomi, asked her to do, Boaz still sent Ruth back home. Naomi’s response to Ruth after she came home to tell her everything was, “Sit back and relax, my dear daughter, until we find out how things turn out.” As difficult as it can be, sometimes we need to do the same: sit and relax. Wait on the will of God to be done. He knows the desires of our hearts. He hears our prayers. Let’s wait for the Lord’s way to be revealed. 

from Christian Courtship And Dating

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Dating ZZ

Ruth & Boaz

‘One day Naomi said to Ruth, “My daughter, it’s time that I found a permanent home for you, so that you will be provided for. Boaz is a close relative of ours, and he’s been very kind by letting you gather grain with his young women. Tonight he will be winnowing barley at the threshing floor. Now do as I tell you—take a bath and put on perfume and dress in your nicest clothes. Then go to the threshing floor, but don’t let Boaz see you until he has finished eating and drinking. Be sure to notice where he lies down; then go and uncover his feet and lie down there. He will tell you what to do.” “I will do everything you say,” Ruth replied. So she went down to the threshing floor that night and followed the instructions of her mother-in-law. After Boaz had finished eating and drinking and was in good spirits, he lay down at the far end of the pile of grain and went to sleep. Then Ruth came quietly, uncovered his feet, and lay down. Around midnight Boaz suddenly woke up and turned over. He was surprised to find a woman lying at his feet! “Who are you?” he asked. “I am your servant Ruth,” she replied. “Spread the corner of your covering over me, for you are my family redeemer.” “The Lord bless you, my daughter!” Boaz exclaimed. “You are showing even more family loyalty now than you did before, for you have not gone after a younger man, whether rich or poor. Now don’t worry about a thing, my daughter. I will do what is necessary, for everyone in town knows you are a virtuous woman. But while it’s true that I am one of your family redeemers, there is another man who is more closely related to you than I am. Stay here tonight, and in the morning I will talk to him. If he is willing to redeem you, very well. Let him marry you. But if he is not willing, then as surely as the Lord lives, I will redeem you myself! Now lie down here until morning.” So Ruth lay at Boaz’s feet until the morning, but she got up before it was light enough for people to recognize each other. For Boaz had said, “No one must know that a woman was here at the threshing floor.” Then Boaz said to her, “Bring your cloak and spread it out.” He measured six scoops of barley into the cloak and placed it on her back. Then he returned to the town. When Ruth went back to her mother-in-law, Naomi asked, “What happened, my daughter?” Ruth told Naomi everything Boaz had done for her, and she added, “He gave me these six scoops of barley and said, ‘Don’t go back to your mother-in-law empty-handed.’” Then Naomi said to her, “Just be patient, my daughter, until we hear what happens. The man won’t rest until he has settled things today.”’ Ruth 3:1-18(NLT)

‘Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchant’s ship, bringing her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns. Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.’ Proverbs 31:10-31(NLT)

In the book of Ruth, we learn about a godly woman who desires marriage. We also see Boaz, a godly man of integrity who desires the will of God.  We see God put a marriage together through the life of Ruth and Boaz. I encourage you to read it, especially chapter 3, which gives us the opportunity to think about decisions that are made regarding marriage.

Let’s go through characteristics and qualities that we see in both Ruth and Boaz that we can apply to our lives.  Ruth and Boaz were individuals who were known in the city as people of virtue and integrity

In the MacArthur Study Bible, there is a comparison of Ruth and the Proverbs 31 virtuous woman. Each was…

· Devoted to her family

· Delighting in her work

· Diligent in her labor

· Dedicated to godly speech

· Dependent on God

· Dressed with care

· Discreet with men

· Delivering blessings.

Ruth was loyal, virtuous, and pure.  

Boaz had the Lord firmly before his mind and expressed the love and kindness of God in his affection for Ruth. He was a protector who protected Ruth’s reputation. No one really loves you if they’re willing to do something that would harm your reputation in the Lord or if they are leading you into sin. When someone loves you, they want to protect your testimony. 

Boaz was also a provider who took care of Ruth. This is something that is lost in our culture, but I’m absolutely confident and stand on firm Biblical ground that it is the husband’s God-given responsibility to supply the material needs of his family.

Although Boaz wanted to be married, he would not violate the Word of God. There’s a higher priority than love for a person, and that’s love for the Lord. That is the foundation for a great marriage. It’s not love for each other first, but loving God supremely. If you don’t love the Lord more than you love the person you’re marrying, you’re off on the wrong foot right away. If you would violate the Word of God to marry that person, then you don’t love the Lord more than you love them. 

from Christian Courtship And Dating