Month: September 2020

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1st Marriage ZZ

Reducing Transitional Stress In Marriage – Day 3

‘For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. ‘ Philippians 4:13(NLT)

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘ Jeremiah 29:11(NLT)

‘And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ‘ Romans 8:28(NLT)

The final techniques we want you to apply as you go through transitional stress is, firstly, to remember to always encourage each other in the Lord. Philippians 4:13 tells us, “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” Remind yourself of this. Remind your spouse of this. Rehearse it in your thoughts and words, if need be, knowing that the result on the other side of the change you currently face is intended by God to bring you both good in your relationship, and not harm (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28). 

When you decide to embrace the transitional stress rather than fight it, being open to change – letting go of what is in the past and anticipating the new – you will, like an athlete committed to strength-training, enjoy the results the right response to stress can produce.

The last technique (but not the least) is to pray. Always pray. We’ve written a few guided prayers to get you going but commit yourself to praying throughout the entire transition for your marriage. 

Praise God First

“Heavenly Father, You are a God who changes not. Despite the transitions around me, You are the One who remains constant. You are ever-present and always reliable. Thank You for Your consistency in a life that fluctuates, often like the wind. 

I praise You for the ability You have given to me and to us in our marriage to rely on You. Your character is solid. Your Word true. Your presence steadfast and never lost. Thank You that You offer this to us like a lighthouse in a storm of stress, a beacon in the battling gusts of life’s many unknowns. In Christ’s name, amen.”

Present Your Situation to God

Use this time of prayer to acknowledge any transitional stress which may have become a part of your marriage or home. It could be work-change, a change in your financial situation, a move or a change in family dynamics such as a new baby or graduation of a child. Whatever the change or changes may be, your awareness of them and how they impact your emotional, spiritual and physical capacity and make-up will help to reduce any negative impact they bring into your marriage. Write out any specific transitions or failures to respond positively to transitions that you would like to see the Lord intervene in and work out for good.

Pray for God’s Intervention

“Gracious Lord, help our marriage relationship to grow more deeper and stronger as a result of any transitional stress we experience. Give us a greater respect for each other through the process of going through changes together. Show us how to accommodate each other’s lower energy levels, rather than to feel neglected or rejected by them. 

Teach us how to truly encourage one another whether it’s through words, patience, a gentle touch, gifts or whatever it may be. Open our hearts and our eyes toward each other’s needs during this season so that we can be more mindful to seek to meet them. 

And help us also to show ourselves grace by allowing rest when we need it too. Let us not lose any humor, joy or mutual attraction but rather increase it as we pursue the positive results of transitional stress together through knowing that Your intended outcome is for our good. In Christ’s name, amen.”

from Reducing Transitional Stress In Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Reducing Transitional Stress In Marriage – Day 2

‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

Other techniques for strengthening your marriage through the inevitability of transition include intentionally lightening the mood or atmosphere, whether through fun music, humor, witty banter or simply letting each other’s more tired emotions roll off your back. Don’t take every response personal. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Show grace. 

Understand that they are experiencing change and their non-verbal or even their tone may simply reflect their momentary stress, and not be directed or caused by you. In short, just as you would recognize a weight-lifter’s inability to carry on an in-depth conversation with you due to the current needs of the workout, be aware that transitional stress depletes emotional and physical energy as well. 

Adjust your expectations and demands of each other to that reality.

Another technique includes verbalizing or even internalizing the positives. Rather than focusing on the loss, change or adjustments – look for ways to emphasize your highest values – whether they be each other, family, the things that have gone well or the hope of the future. 

Continuing to speak about negative emotions or events will only reinforce them. What you speak transforms what you think. More so, what you say to each other – and how you say it – will affect how the transitional stress either grows or damages your relationship. Remember the wisdom of God’s Word: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger,” (Proverbs 15:1).

from Reducing Transitional Stress In Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Reducing Transitional Stress In Marriage – Day 1

‘For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.’ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8(NLT)

Life comes with transition. Whether it’s a new job, new house, new child or grandchild and even something as small as a new hairstyle, we face change throughout our lives. Some of us are more adept at change. Others of us resist it. Some of us can adapt quickly. Others resist it. Some change brings positivity. Other change causes loss. If we were honest, even age changes us. There’s nothing we can do to avoid this inevitable aspect of life. 

One thing that will never change about life and marriage is that there will always be change.

Understanding how to approach change emotionally, spiritually and mentally can allow transition to transform our marriage into something stronger and more viable than ever before. Contrary to popular belief, stress doesn’t have to be a negative thing. How you and your spouse view stress, as well as how you choose to respond to it, has everything to do with whether it leaves a positive or undesirable imprint on your home. God has gifted us with the ability to decide how we react to life’s transition.

Did you know that the muscles in your body become stronger during rest not during the workout, or the stress? What the stress on your muscles does is break down the muscle protein that exists in your body structure. But the actual development of stronger muscles takes place as your body rests. When your body has the opportunity to repair and replace the damaged muscle fibers by fusing muscle fibers together to create new myofibrils, it builds tougher, more resilient, muscles. A body builder who doesn’t take the time to respond to his or her workout through adequate rest will actually slow down the process of developing strength and endurance through greater muscle mass. 

Likewise, how we respond to transitions and, even more importantly, how we allow our spouses to respond to transition will determine whether the stress of the transitions will strengthen us or, rather, weaken us over time. We must be willing to view the stress of transition as a developmental process and necessary part of life. We also must be willing to provide the space necessary for what stress may produce in ourselves, and each other – times of lessened energy, distracted focus or lowered emotions. Placing unrealistic expectations or demands on ourselves or each other to keep our affection or even our mood consistently heightened during transition may only lead to disappointment. Give time for the transition while seeking to solidify and focus on core values such as mutual respect, kindness, fortuity and service. 

from Reducing Transitional Stress In Marriage

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Follow Your Leader

‘I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.’ Romans 15:13(NLT)

‘How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony! For harmony is as precious as the anointing oil that was poured over Aaron’s head, that ran down his beard and onto the border of his robe. Harmony is as refreshing as the dew from Mount Hermon that falls on the mountains of Zion. And there the Lord has pronounced his blessing, even life everlasting.’ Psalms 133:1-3(NLT)

‘Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. ‘ Galatians 6:2(NLT)

‘But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. ‘ Romans 5:8-9(NLT)

‘Give thanks to the God of gods. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to the Lord of lords. His faithful love endures forever.’ Psalms 136:2-3(NLT)

Devotional Content:

What would Jesus do? If Jesus sat with you on your couch and you told Him about your unbelieving spouse, what advice do you think He would give? What would Jesus ask you to do?

First, I think Jesus would tell you that He loves your spouse more than you do and that His deepest desire is for your spouse to come to Him. Take confidence in that. You are not alone in this fight. Be patient. You have the Creator of the universe leading your team!

Second, I think Jesus would move close to you and hold you in His arms. He would tell you that He knows your road is not easy. Living with an unbelieving spouse is demanding and difficult every day. He gets it!

Third, I think Jesus would encourage you to find one or two friends to walk this road with you. You need people to pray for and with you. You need someone to call when the day is rough. You need the perspective of someone you trust when your perspective is clouded. You need someone who loves you deeply with the love of Jesus.

Fourth, I think Jesus would say that when you get discouraged and wonder if you can do this another day, He is there. Lean into Him, and let Him strengthen and refresh you. He understands the battle because He has been in it too. Let Him remind you who wins the war! Then with the strength only He can give you, follow His lead day after day after day.

We serve an amazing God. He is the Miracle Worker. Never give up. Because of Him, there will always be hope!

Today’s Challenge:

Start the habit of beginning your day with prayer for God to give you His wisdom and His strength.

Going Deeper:

Pray for God to bring someone in your life to walk this road with you—someone with a strong faith who you can trust completely; someone to pray for you and with you; someone who will consider it an honor to come alongside you in this journey.

from Unequally Yoked by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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Don’t Get in God’s Way

‘Wait patiently for the Lord . Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord .’ Psalms 27:14(NLT)

‘The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”’ Exodus 14:14(NLT)

‘And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. ‘ 1 John 5:14(NLT)

‘The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help.’ Psalms 34:15(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Know without a doubt that God is daily seeking your spouse. He has a plan. Most likely you are a part of that plan, but don’t get in His way.

Neither Kristi nor Matt were Christians when they married at twenty-five. It wasn’t like they were against church. They just never saw a need for it. Their life was pretty carefree. They both had good jobs and agreed to wait a few years before having kids.

Matt was out of town when Kristi’s college roommate came to visit for a weekend. Allison and Kristi kept in touch, but their friendship had grown more distant over the past couple of years. Kristi was looking forward to catching up. From the first evening Allison arrived, Kristi noticed something different. Allison had changed. She even brought a Bible with her! Kristi was curious, and Allison was willing to share. By Sunday morning they were looking for a church to attend, and by Sunday afternoon Kristi’s life was changed forever.

Kristi excitedly shared her experience with Matt, but he was pretty cold toward all of it. She so badly wanted him to know Jesus. She talked about Jesus all the time. She dragged Matt to church. One weekend she literally “preached” to him around the clock. She couldn’t figure out what was wrong with Matt. He was moving farther and farther away from God.

Kristi talked with Allison and learned that she was getting in God’s way. God had a plan for Matt and was drawing Matt to Himself. Certainly her conversion would be a plus in their marriage, but Matt was not coming to Jesus the same way she did. Finally following Allison’s advice, Kristi backed off. It was clear that her role was to pray and get out of God’s way.

Today’s Challenge:

Are you getting in God’s way? If so, where do you need to back off and trust Him?

Going Deeper:

When someone accepts Jesus as their Savior, there is rejoicing in heaven. In our church, we clap loudly. The excitement is contagious, and we want everyone we love to have that experience. Think about what worked when you came to Jesus. What would have put you off? As you seek to share your faith, prayerfully seek God’s wisdom. Stay a step behind God when your tendency will be to take a step ahead. Trust Him in the process.

from Unequally Yoked by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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Look Past the Resistance

‘Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ‘ Romans 12:12(NLT)

‘May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. ‘ Romans 15:5(NLT)

‘Be still in the presence of the Lord , and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.’ Psalms 37:7(NLT)

Devotional Content:

If your spouse is resisting the Lord, take time to look past their resistance. Is there something from their past that affects the way they look at God? Was there trauma or life experiences that they blame God for? What you see on the outside may be the shell that is protecting deep hurts on the inside.

Tom was six when his mother died. She suffered a long illness, and Tom prayed every night for her to get well. The night before his mom died, Tom was busy playing and fell asleep on the floor without praying. The next morning, he was told by his dad that his mom was gone. Tom never said a word, but inside he blamed her death on himself for not praying that night and on God for being so mean. Tom vowed to never give God another chance.

I met Tom twenty-eight years later as he reluctantly came to counseling. His marriage was falling apart, and his wife asked him to talk with me at least one time. She was a Christian. He never purported to be one, but she married him anyway. She loved him deeply. His hatred for God had become a huge issue in their marriage. Tom repeatedly and adamantly told her that he wanted nothing to do with God. As Tom and I met alone, I asked him why he hated God so much. His eyes filled with tears and he said no one had ever asked him that question before. That really shocked me. For the first time ever, Tom told the story of his mom’s death. The shell began to crack, and over the next few months Tom slowly opened up his life to God.

With Tom, I saw three things in his marriage: First, his wife fervently prayed for him for two years. Second, she was obedient to what the Lord called her to do. Third, the timing was right and a patient God was there as Tom opened his heart. God used this woman who was able to “look past the resistance” to bring this man to Jesus.

Today’s Challenge:

Ask God to help you look past the resistance to the heart of your spouse and to help you see your spouse through His eyes.

Going Deeper:

It is so normal for us to react to the outside and never look at the inside. As you pray, see your spouse as a lost child of God. Know without a doubt that God wants your spouse in His kingdom. Pray for patience and wisdom as you look past the resistance.

from Unequally Yoked by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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What’s Your Role?

‘Anyone who wants to serve me must follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves me.’ John 12:26(NLT)

‘I have done the Lord’s work humbly and with many tears. I have endured the trials that came to me from the plots of the Jews. ‘ Acts of the Apostles 20:19(NLT)

‘This is what I told them: ‘Obey me, and I will be your God, and you will be my people. Do everything as I say, and all will be well!’’ Jeremiah 7:23(NLT)

‘Now if you will obey me and keep my covenant, you will be my own special treasure from among all the peoples on earth; for all the earth belongs to me. ‘ Exodus 19:5(NLT)

‘Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a fellow believer has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. And if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:12-13(NLT)

‘Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:17(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Being married to someone who is not a Christian is not easy, but … Being married to someone who is hostile to Christianity is really difficult, but … The but is simply this: At some point in your life you stood with your spouse before God and committed to a lifetime of marriage together. The escape clauses for your marriage are few and narrow. So are you doomed to a lifetime where the two of you are out of balance spiritually? Let’s back up before we answer that question.

Most couples who are unequally yoked fall into one of these categories:

1. Neither were believers before they married, but now one is and one is not.

2. One married an unbeliever hoping they would change.

3. One married the other thinking that person was a believer but discovered sometime into the marriage that their spouse was not a Christian and not open to Christianity.

Let’s look at your role as a Christian in each of these categories:

1. It is not unusual that God would bring one of you to belief before the other. You may be the reason your spouse is open to a relationship with Jesus. Your role is to wait on God and pray for your spouse.

2. This is a difficult situation but one you were aware of as you entered into marriage. It is easy to impatiently pressure your spouse, but based on my experience, pressure does not work. Instead, be a living example of Jesus. I know you are not perfect, but live daily following Him. Give God time to work on your spouse. It may take years, but your role is to be a living witness and to fervently pray.

3. This can be complicated, especially if you feel you were deceived. On top of being unequally yoked, you now have a trust issue. Your role first is to forgive even if your spouse is not changing. Forgiveness opens your heart to the Lord’s leading. Then be an example as you live out each day, and fervently pray for your spouse.

Now back to our question: Are you doomed to a lifetime where the two of you are out of balance spiritually? The answer might be yes, but how you allow God to work in you and your response to God will change a life of doom into one of service to the Lord. It is God’s job to change the heart of your spouse. It’s your job to love them, to be the spouse God created you to be, and to live in obedience to Him and to His Word.

Today’s Challenge:

Begin to pray every day for the heart of your spouse to soften to the message of Christ.

Going Deeper:

What would living a life of obedience to the Lord look like for you? This means that each day you do what He wants you to do no matter what your spouse does. Spend time in prayer as you consider this step.

Resource: 

Use mundane moments for Godly purpose in your marriage with our House Prayer Cards.

Prayer is the single BEST thing you can for your marriage. God is the one who can ultimately change your hearts and your marriage for the better, so inviting him in to do those things is the single best thing you can do for your marriage.

from Unequally Yoked by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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Forgiveness through starting your marriage over

‘They are always thinking about how much it costs. “Eat and drink,” they say, but they don’t mean it.’ Proverbs 23:7(NLT)

‘“Besides, who would patch old clothing with new cloth? For the new patch would shrink and rip away from the old cloth, leaving an even bigger tear than before. “And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the wine would burst the wineskins, and the wine and the skins would both be lost. New wine calls for new wineskins.”’ Mark 2:21-22(NLT)

‘Take delight in the Lord , and he will give you your heart’s desires.’ Psalms 37:4(NLT)

‘Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see. ‘ Hebrews 11:1(NLT)

‘This is a trustworthy saying: “If someone aspires to be a church leader, he desires an honorable position.” So a church leader must be a man whose life is above reproach. He must be faithful to his wife. He must exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation. He must enjoy having guests in his home, and he must be able to teach. He must not be a heavy drinker or be violent. He must be gentle, not quarrelsome, and not love money. He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. ‘ 1 Timothy 3:1-4(NLT)

To move from a chaotic marriage to a successful one, you first must forgive your spouse. I know moving from a state of unforgiveness to forgiveness can be difficult because of the years of unmet expectations. The only way to make this transition is to start your marriage over in your mind. 

Proverbs 23:7 teaches us that we do what we think, so you need to think as if you are just married and forget all the years of hurt feelings. If you cannot do this, then there is no hope for your marriage. 

Mark 2:21-22 gives a great illustration of this concept of starting over. It points out that new things require new containers. For your marriage, the new thing is forgiveness, and the new container is a new marriage (in your thought process). 

If you try to forgive without forgetting the past and starting over, the marriage will not work. After you restart your marriage by forgiving and forgetting, the next step is to not place any expectations on your spouse.

What the Bible and I want you to do is just serve the needs and desires of your spouse, and cast your needs and desires onto God, because the Bible never told us that our spouses would give us the desires of our hearts. The Bible says that God will give us the desires of our hearts – Psalm 37:4. Furthermore, Hebrews 11:1 says that faith is the substance of our desires, not our spouses.

Can you now see that we have been expecting our spouses to do something that only God can do? You cannot unconditionally love your spouse until you get your expectations off of them, and the only way to do that is to conclude that your spouse owes you nothing. 

When you truly believe in your heart that your spouse owes you nothing, you will find a freedom to love your spouse. From this freedom, a successful marriage will be birthed, and then you will qualify to be one of God’s leaders according to 1 Timothy 3:1-4.

from Revive Your Marriage For Business Success

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Unnecessary expectations create unforgiveness in marriage

‘Then the Lord God planted a garden in Eden in the east, and there he placed the man he had made. ‘ Genesis 2:8(NLT)

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.’ Proverbs 13:12(NLT)

‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:33(NLT)

‘Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.’ Colossians 3:18-19(NLT)

We have so many bad examples of marriage that we must go back to the book of Genesis to see what marriage should be like. In Genesis 2:8, God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him,” and in Genesis 2:24, God said, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” 

From these two statements, we get the original definition of marriage straight from God. A wife is a help meet (companion) to her husband, a husband is to cleave (hold on) to his wife, and both should operate together on the same page.

Within God’s definition of marriage, there is nothing stating that the wife should cook or the husband should take out the trash. Man added all these extra definitions and many more to marriage; however, to have a successful marriage we must follow God’s original definition.

By following man’s definition, we add many unnecessary expectations to marriage, and expectations that go unmet will cause your heart to get sick – see Proverbs 13:12. Once your heart becomes sick, you will live in a state of unforgiveness with your spouse.

How can we expect to qualify as one of God’s business leaders if we are living with unforgiveness? Mark 11:23-26 shows us that unforgiveness stops our prayers from being answered. Without our prayers answered, we cannot receive direction for our businesses from God. 

Therefore, it is critical that we remove all expectations from our spouses except what the Bible expects. The Bible simply instructs husbands to love their wives and wives to reverence their husbands – Ephesians 5:33, Colossians 3:18-19. To love someone is to serve them; to reverence someone is to submit to their leadership. In both cases, the husband and wife are in the position of serving the other person. 

If you follow this principle of serving the other spouse, then you’ll have a successful marriage without unnecessary expectations.

from Revive Your Marriage For Business Success

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Marriage is a challenge, but you are graced to handle it

‘But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.’ 1 Corinthians 7:28(NLT)

‘And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.” Jesus’ disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!” “Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said. “Only those whom God helps. ‘ Matthew 19:9-11(NLT)

One of the major reasons marriage is important is because it is a training ground for our businesses. However, having a successful marriage is not easy. In fact, it will be one of your biggest challenges on earth. 

The apostle Paul warned us of the difficulties of marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:28: “if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.” 

Paul is basically telling us that it would be better to stay single than to get married, because you will have trouble in your marriage. Why? Because marriage is not a natural state of existence for two individuals. 

For example, take a manicured golf course and do not tend to it for a year. Return to that site after a year has passed, and you will find that the once manicured golf course looks like a wilderness. The natural state of the golf course is not an ordered manicured lawn but a chaotic wilderness. 

In the same manner, if a marriage is left alone, then it will return to its natural state of divorce (two individuals returning to being single). So you see, like keeping a golf course manicured, keeping two people married requires a lot of work for it not to revert to its natural state.

Even Jesus’ disciples recognized the difficulties of staying married. In Matthew 19:9-11, Jesus taught that married people should never get a divorce (except for reason of adultery), and his disciples responded by saying, “If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.” Jesus responds to their observations of the difficulties of staying married by saying, “All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.” 

Jesus basically said it is difficult, but God has ordained some to get married and stay married. So if you are married, and desire to qualify as one of God’s business leaders, then you are ordained to stay married and to have a successful marriage. It will take some work on your part, but you are graced to do it.

from Revive Your Marriage For Business Success