Month: September 2020

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Devotion for Men ZZ

God’s Advice For Husbands – Day 1

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

In Genesis 2:18, God said it’s not good for man to be alone. Therefore, he created Eve for Adam. She was called his “helper.” The word in the original Hebrew text is ezer. I don’t think “helper” gives the full understanding of what this word means.

In other places in the Bible, the word ezer describes God himself as a helper, rock, or our strength. For example, God is the ezer of the fatherless (Psalm 10:14). He was King David’s ezer and deliverer (Psalm 70:5). In Deuteronomy 33:29, God was described in military terms as one’s shield and ezer and a glorious sword. In fact, on three different occasions in the Bible, the word ezer is used to describe God in a military context.

In my opinion, thinking of Eve as a rock, or strength, or a military fighter, or a protector gives all wives an added importance in the marriage relationship. Wives are not mere companions. They are not simply passive bystanders. Their responsibility isn’t limited to just supporting their husbands in life’s endeavors.

To the contrary! A wife is a rock a husband can lean on when he is experiencing life’s difficult trials. She is a source of strength when a husband feels too listless to fight. She will fight for him, giving help, strength, and courage.

In Genesis 2:18, the word ezer is combined with the Hebrew word kenegdo to give even more specificity as to why Eve was created. Kenegdo implies being equal to and one with. It implies that she came from the man’s side only to become one with him again in marriage.

Therefore, when you place these two words together—ezer-kenegdo—it’s easy to see how inadequate the term “helpmate” is to describe the woman. Literally, ezer-kenegdo implies a rock and strength of the same nature. It implies equality, mutuality, and harmony with the husband.

Husband, you show love to your wife by sharing your heart. Ephesians 5:33 states that a husband is to love his wife. It’s apparently her greatest need in the relationship. When a husband really loves his wife, he shares his heart with her. He knows she is a source of strength. He knows she wants to fight for him and what he’s going through. He knows she feels honored to do so. When all this happens, you two will move closer to one another. 

You will become one as she operates as ezer-kenegdo. 

  •  In what ways is your wife’s sensitivity her strength?  
  • In what ways have you seen your wife as a rock, source of strength, and fighter for you? 
  • How does oneness occur when you recognize your wife’s equal and unique contribution to your marriage?
  •  How does your wife fulfill the role of ezer, or helper, in your marriage? 

from God’s Advice For Husbands

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

The Blessing of Confession

‘Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. ‘ James 5:16 https://my.bible.com/bible/116/JAS.5.16

‘Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord .” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone. Interlude’ Psalms 32:5 https://my.bible.com/bible/116/PSA.32.5

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

Why would any of us willingly admit our sins, especially the ones we can hide? We confess because denial thwarts transformation. If we value the appearance of health and wholeness over the real deal, image becomes everything. But if we’re serious about wanting to have a dynamic marriage, we have to move through that resistance and become transparent truth tellers.

The Old and New Testaments communicate that God hates lying (Exod. 20:16; Prov. 11:1; Eph. 4:25; Col. 3:9). I wasn’t taught this value when I was growing up. Instead, adults routinely demonstrated that lying was acceptable in certain situations. Lies were spoken as a means of protecting my father as he battled his addiction or as a way to avoid conflict.

This is why early on in our marriage, I felt no conflict by denying that I was angry when Christopher asked. Regardless of why we choose to dodge the truth, lies are lies. They deaden our consciences, prevent our spouses from knowing us, and provide no impetus to stop sinning.

Confession takes truth-telling up a notch. Rather than waiting for our spouses to ask if we finished the bottle of wine, spent several hundred dollars on new clothes, or flirted online, we forthrightly admit it—humbly and nondefensively. It’s really quite simple. As the apostle James advises, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

By design, confessions mortify us. We hate having others see our less-than-perfect selves. When we willingly confess our broken thoughts and actions, we allow God to create a crack in the false images that we’ve worked so hard to perfect. This crack ruins the veneer but also allows forgiveness and grace to seep in.

from Making Marriage Beautiful

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1st Marriage ZZ

Reality-Based Expectations

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 https://my.bible.com/bible/116/1CO.13.4-7

‘It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.’ Proverbs 21:9 https://my.bible.com/bible/116/PRO.21.9

‘For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:22-33(NLT)

When we experience disappointment in marriage and it’s no one’s fault (such as a miscarriage or loss of employment due to corporate downsizing), we generally grieve and figure out how to move on. It’s the disappointments that point back to our unrealistic expectations for each other that tend to be stickier. These hard-to-shake disappointments can sometimes be described as disordered attachments—misplaced desires that compete with God for our heart. By following the thread that runs through our disappointments and our persistent anger, we can uncover their origin.

Christopher and I have had our share of sticky disappointments; that’s part of what our year-ten crisis was all about. When I married him, naïve optimism overshadowed the reality that he is mercurial, does not like public displays of affection, hates flying on airplanes, and has time-deficiency disorder. (Don’t bother looking that up; I diagnosed him.) That same optimism obscured the reality that I struggle to need him, am too quick to judge, and prefer doing the talking.

These relational speed bumps were definitely not marked with fluorescent orange paint or signage of any sort. After we scraped our undercarriage and experienced whiplash more times than I care to admit, it began to dawn on us that perhaps we needed to find a more productive, less destructive path through our disappointments.

We took a similar approach to how we unpacked our gender expectations by asking probing questions such as, What if rather than blaming each other for our disappointments, we confessed our failures and owned our areas of weakness? What if we looked under the disappointments to discern if they revealed any egocentric expectations, disordered attachments, or misplaced hopes? Once we stopped avoiding these seemingly problematic feelings and started investigating them, something shifted.

Rather than continuing to blame Christopher for my disappointment, I started asking the Lord to help me do three things: repent of any unfair expectations, appreciate Christopher’s strengths, and develop reality-based expectations. Of these three objectives, developing reality-based expectations has been the most difficult. My unrealistic expectation of being romanced died an ugly, slow death because I stubbornly clung to it. Clinging is a form of denial that masquerades as hope. We persist in clinging because it gives us something to hold on to and allows us to sidestep the hard work of changing what we have control over: ourselves.

My prayers are finally paying off. I’m learning to let go of my unrealistic expectations by choosing an internal posture of holy resignation. Practically speaking, holy resignation means accepting and loving your spouse without demanding that he or she change, resisting the vortex of despair and blame, and standing in faith that God will complete a good work in the marriage—regardless of current circumstances.

from Making Marriage Beautiful

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

Disappointment and Anger

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ‘ Ephesians 4:26(NLT)

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.’ Proverbs 19:11(NLT)

Ten years into marriage, we had one of the biggest fights of our marriage. Though we were not conflict rookies, the intensity and stickiness of our anger unnerved us. It was as if this single event somehow epitomized every deficit in our marriage. Month after month, we hunkered down in our foxholes and lobbed verbal grenades at each other.

After almost a year of this unproductive behavior, we reached out to wise friends for help. Without being aware of it, we had been minimizing and avoiding our disappointment and anger. As a result, we never learned what these feelings were trying to teach us and endlessly looped around the same half-dozen fights. Sound familiar?

In the context of marriage, if we find ourselves disappointed and angry, we have four options: divest and/or quit, pretend that everything is fine (which is dishonest), try to change our spouses (which never works), or ask God to use the anger and disappointment to transform us so we can love our spouses independent of their behavior. If we want our marriages to thrive, we really only have one choice.

How do we arrive at that final option? First, we need to make a paradigm shift. We often assume that disappointment and anger indicate there’s something wrong with us, our spouses, or our marriages. Such conclusions may cause us to feel shame and, as Mike Mason points out, “to pull back from the full intensity of the relationship, to get along on only the basic requirements.”

In order to give more of ourselves rather than pull back, we need to reframe anger and disappointment as holy invitations rather than dire pronouncements. Then, as we press into these disquieting feelings, we can accomplish three important objectives: discern what drives them, decipher the message they intend to communicate, and develop reality-based expectations.

from Making Marriage Beautiful

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

Expectations

‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:31-32(NLT)

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.’ Philippians 4:8-9(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ‘ Ephesians 4:2(NLT)

Our wounds, personal preferences, and internalized cultural values not only inform our beliefs and actions, but they also become the foundation for many of our expectations. As we enter into marriage, we have dozens of unspoken expectations for the small, seemingly incidental details of life together (e.g., who cleans the bathroom?) as well as the major, significant components of life (e.g., who sacrifices their career to care for a sick child or aging parent?).

Sometimes we’re not even cognizant of our expectations until others fail to meet them. Sometimes an expectation emanates out of our wounds, which makes it more difficult for us to identify the expectation, let alone discern what drives it.

For example, not long after we were married, Christopher and I started having conflicts about what it meant to be home in time for dinner. After we negotiated what seemed like a reasonable compromise and then he showed up an hour (or more) late, I felt angry. He would apologize, but then we’d have a déjà vu moment the following week.

Though I had legitimate reasons to be frustrated, his offense was a level three (out of ten—not that big a deal) and my response was a level eight (in other words, out of proportion). This disparity clued me in to the possibility that maybe this dynamic was uncovering a historic wound.

When we have the same conflicts over and over again, it’s likely that there’s something deeper going on that will provide an opportunity for healing if we can stop reacting and start exploring what’s driving our broken patterns. That was certainly true regarding our ongoing discord about mealtime. When I was twelve, my grandfather died and our extended family fractured due to some poor choices and miscommunication. After two of my father’s beloved siblings moved out of state, he turned to liquor to numb his pain. This eventually led to a full-blown alcohol addiction lasting more than a decade.

During my middle and high school years, dinner could be a tense affair. Would Dad be on time? Would he be sober? If he wasn’t, how would Mom respond?

There was an obvious connection between my childhood wounds and our marital strife. Christopher’s struggle with time management uncovered my unresolved pain and amplified my unprocessed anger. My response replicated my family of origin’s patterns and certainly did not help Christopher feel loved or grow in his time management skills.

from Making Marriage Beautiful

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Devotion for Men ZZ

The Legacy You Leave

‘But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.”’ 1 Peter 1:15-16(NLT)

1 Peter 1: 15-16 but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.”

I used to think that married couples who could claim many years of marriage had it figured out. After all, if you’ve been married for 30+ years, you must be doing something right. Not necessarily. I know couples who have been married for over 40 years and have had some of the worst marriages. Strangers living in the same house out of habit and convenience instead of love and honor. They may tell you they are still in love, but their actions say something completely different. 

As Abe Lincoln said, “You can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.”

You may say all the right things at church or in front of people, but there may be something different going on at home. 

I focus on this because your family sees your marriage a little differently than you. When you were young, your son or daughter looked to you as someone to mimic. They may look at your marriage as something they want to recreate in their own marriage, or they may look at your marriage and want to do the exact opposite because of how dysfunctional it is.

Focus your marriage on God, pray for it daily and invest quality time in building it up. Speak love and truth to your wife and ask her to do the same for you. Spend time in the Word of God together, do marriage studies and encourage each other. Since you are going to leave a legacy for someone, it might as well honor God and be a great one.

Uncommen Questions:

Do you do something that you’d like your kids to mimic in their own marriages?

Do you do something that you’d like your kids to not mimic in their own marriages?

Uncommen Challenge:

Don’t stumble or coast into the last years of your marriage as an example of what not to be to someone. Instead, use this opportunity to really press into your marriage to honor God with a holy union that He has brought together. Be Holy as He is Holy.

Scripture Reference:
1 Peter 1:15-16

from UNCOMMEN: Husbands Part 2

Categories
Devotion for Men ZZ

The Redo

‘“But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ Isaiah 43:18-19(NLT)

Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

I was recently watching a movie called “About Time,” and the premise was all the men in this family could travel backward in time. They didn’t really address the time-space continuum as it was more of a Rom-Com. Instead of traveling back in time to kill Hitler or get the Lotto numbers, he would only go tweak moments in his past.

He would identify a moment in his past that he felt put him on a path that he didn’t really want to be on and go back to fix it. When he came back, things had worked out better or at least different. Just because you change one thing doesn’t mean you can fix everything. I won’t ruin the movie for you, as it’s got some good lessons if you want to watch it with your wife.

This got me thinking of husbands and wives who may look at their current situation and wonder, “If I could just go back in time to change this or that.” Maybe it’s as big as marrying someone completely different, not getting married at all or saying yes instead of no.

Our passage tells us to “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” In context, God is talking about Israel’s unfaithfulness, but in our case, it’s a great reminder that we can’t change the former things. Since we can’t, don’t dwell on them. 

Instead, pray for God to give you wisdom and become the husband your wife needs you to be. Ideally, if I were given the chance to go back and change something, I’d like to think I would say, “No thanks, I love where God has me.” 

While no one gets everything right, the best place we can be is in God’s will when it comes to our marriage and the choices that got us there.

Uncommen Questions:

Is there anything in your past that would make you want a redo moment when it comes to your marriage?

Does the fact that you can’t change things impact the type of marriage you have?

Uncommen Challenge:

Instead of having a marriage that would make you entertain the thought of a redo moment, develop a marriage that would make you content where you are. 

Scripture Reference:
Isaiah 43:18-19

from UNCOMMEN: Husbands Part 2

Categories
Devotion for Men ZZ

Run Husband…Run!

‘Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. ‘ 1 Corinthians 9:24-26(NLT)

1 Corinthians 9: 24-26a Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly;

We’ve all sat in the doctor’s waiting room and looked around at the people in the room wondering what they have going on. This one seems like he’s on death’s doorstep or that one is coughing up a lung. You probably try to hold your breath and say something like, “Thank God I’m not as bad off as those poor people.” 

Let’s change the situation a bit for our needs. We’re not looking around the room at sick people, but instead married couples. One couple is too busy looking at the phone to notice each other. One pair is just going through the motions and is no longer a soulmate, but rather a roommate. Then you may have a couple who really doesn’t want to be together anymore, and it looks to be on the verge of a divorce. 

You and your wife may sigh in relief and say something like, “Thank God our marriage is not like those people.” 

Our verse tells us that all the runners run. When applied to our topic, there are a lot of marriages out there, but not all of them are great. In fact, I would wager that not all of them are even good. 

I wonder what people are saying about your marriage in that fateful room?

Uncommen Questions:

On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your marriage? (1 = verge of divorce / 10 = a Godly union)

If you said anything under a 10, you have work to do. Don’t worry, we all do. 

If you had to change one thing to help your marriage, what would it be? Have you and your wife spoken about that one thing?

Uncommen Challenge:

Don’t let your marriage fall by the wayside; run the race in which to win the prize. The prize is a great marriage that is centered on God. Love and respect each other and pray for each other daily. I included the one line from verse 26…”So I do not run aimlessly.” Don’t run aimlessly. Focus your marriage on Jesus, and run toward Him. If one falls, pick the other up. But the goal is to cross that line together. 

Scripture Reference:
1 Corinthians 9: 24-26

from UNCOMMEN: Husbands Part 2

Categories
Devotion for Men ZZ

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:33(NLT)

Ephesians 5:33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

So you want respect, do you? Do you put in the work to earn respect? In today’s culture, we see entitlement in many forms and if we can be honest here—it never looks good. To say, “I deserve something that I’ve not earned” just doesn’t make sense to anyone.

So if you have married someone and think you are going to sit on the front porch or couch, bark out orders, speak to her like you would an object, be lazy and think you’re going to get her respect, you are mistaken. 

When God made Eve, He created Adam a help meet. Do you know what Adam was to Eve? Her help meet. They complemented each other as to where when one is weak the other is strong. After all, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” 

I can only speak from what I have seen from my Dad’s generation when it came to being a husband and how he, my uncles, and friends treated their wives. Let’s just say, there were issues. You know what has changed since then? Unfortunately, it seems like not that much when you look around. We still leave way too much of our role as a husband to our wives to handle. 

Genesis 2:15 The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. 

As you can see, we have been called to more than what most of us are currently doing. You don’t need to be perfect tomorrow, but what matters far more than production is an effort. In no time you’ll be loving her, and she’ll be respecting you. 

After all, respect works both ways.

Uncommen Questions:

Does your wife show you respect? 

Do you feel you’ve earned the honor to be shown respect?

Uncommen Challenge:

If you notice in the Bible verse, it has two parts. One doesn’t work without the other. Husbands, love your wife as yourself. How is your wife supposed to show you respect if you don’t show her love? How are you to show her love if she doesn’t respect you? You both do what God has instructed you to do, and that fulfills the scripture verse.

Scripture Reference:
Ephesians 5:33

from UNCOMMEN: Husbands Part 2

Categories
Devotion for Men ZZ

To the I Do and Beyond!

‘Boaz went to the town gate and took a seat there. Just then the family redeemer he had mentioned came by, so Boaz called out to him, “Come over here and sit down, friend. I want to talk to you.” So they sat down together. Then Boaz called ten leaders from the town and asked them to sit as witnesses. And Boaz said to the family redeemer, “You know Naomi, who came back from Moab. She is selling the land that belonged to our relative Elimelech. I thought I should speak to you about it so that you can redeem it if you wish. If you want the land, then buy it here in the presence of these witnesses. But if you don’t want it, let me know right away, because I am next in line to redeem it after you.” The man replied, “All right, I’ll redeem it.” Then Boaz told him, “Of course, your purchase of the land from Naomi also requires that you marry Ruth, the Moabite widow. That way she can have children who will carry on her husband’s name and keep the land in the family.” “Then I can’t redeem it,” the family redeemer replied, “because this might endanger my own estate. You redeem the land; I cannot do it.” Now in those days it was the custom in Israel for anyone transferring a right of purchase to remove his sandal and hand it to the other party. This publicly validated the transaction. So the other family redeemer drew off his sandal as he said to Boaz, “You buy the land.” Then Boaz said to the elders and to the crowd standing around, “You are witnesses that today I have bought from Naomi all the property of Elimelech, Kilion, and Mahlon. And with the land I have acquired Ruth, the Moabite widow of Mahlon, to be my wife. This way she can have a son to carry on the family name of her dead husband and to inherit the family property here in his hometown. You are all witnesses today.” Then the elders and all the people standing in the gate replied, “We are witnesses! May the Lord make this woman who is coming into your home like Rachel and Leah, from whom all the nation of Israel descended! May you prosper in Ephrathah and be famous in Bethlehem. And may the Lord give you descendants by this young woman who will be like those of our ancestor Perez, the son of Tamar and Judah.”’ Ruth 4:1-12(NLT)

As you will read in Book of Ruth, Boaz was drawn to Ruth so much, that buying a field to redeem Ruth wasn’t even a concern. Boaz wanted Ruth to be his wife, and if that is what it took, he was ready, willing and able to do it.

Now what?

My youngest son just got married some four days ago, and while we all spent over a year planning all the details that go into a wedding, after the “I Do”…now what? There was a sudden end to all the preparations for us, but it was just the beginning for them. Thirteen months of details that will lead to many years of marriage hardly seems like enough time to get ready for it.

My wife and I have been together for 35 years. We are in the thick of the “now what” of it all. We men have a tendency to be drawn to the bright and shiny and flashy stuff. They put chrome on Harley Davidsons and trucks for a reason. It gets our attention. They don’t care about keeping our attention; they just want it long enough for us to buy it. We are so predictable that there are phrases for us.

The 7-year Itch

Mid-life Crises

Middle Age Crazy

Change of Life

The Back Nine

But God wants us to stay connected to our wives from the “I Do” and beyond. What are you doing to ensure that you and your wife are ready for the day/month/year after the I Do?

We were having dinner with an older couple, and I happened to lean over to my wife and whispered, “I love you, angel.” The other woman must have heard me and turned to her husband and said, “Why don’t you tell me you love me?” You’d think this would be an easy win for the guy to say, “Sweetheart, I love you so much.” Think again! He said, “I told you I loved you when I married you. If something changes, I’ll let you know.” That, my friends, is not winning at your marriage. 

That woman may have started off with her soulmate, but ended up with a roommate.

Uncommen Questions:

When was the last time you felt you were winning at your marriage?

If you and your wife were asked if you had a good marriage, do you think she would give the same answer as you?

Uncommen Challenge:

Men, we can do better than having our wives beg for attention and love. You and I were called to be more than that. Speak love into your marriage, invest time studying and growing your marriage and most importantly, pray for your marriage. 

Scripture Reference:
Ruth 4 :1-12

from UNCOMMEN: Husbands Part 2