Month: September 2020

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1st Marriage ZZ

Strengths Based Marriage – Day 2

‘Don’t trap yourself by making a rash promise to God and only later counting the cost.’ Proverbs 20:25(NLT)

Inner vows can be very dangerous and cause untold pain in our lives and the lives around us. And almost every person has made them. We make inner vows to comfort ourselves. We don’t do it because we are evil or want to cause pain.

In response to relational problems, abuse, rejection, poverty, failure, loss, or some other painful issue, we say things like this to ourselves like:

I’ll never be poor again.

No man or woman will ever treat me like that.

I’ll never make my children work like this.

I’ll never make my kids go to church every time the doors are opened.

I’ll never let anyone hurt me again.

I’ll never work all the time like my parents.

I’ll never be vulnerable again.. . .

I know you’ve been through hard times before and experienced pain in your past. All of us have. Did you make inner vows? Are there areas of your life where you are unteachable and irrational because of the promises you made yourself?

Is there something your spouse and others try to talk to you about, but you are defensive and won’t receive input? Inner vows are promises of pain for your future. They can even transmit pain for generations. The solution is to acknowledge them, renounce them, and become accountable to change.

It is healing for your marriage when you humbly acknowledge to your spouse that you have been influenced by an inner vow and are breaking it. And because you know you have been unteachable, irrational, and unapproachable in that area, you are asking for accountability and input. Whereas in the past you have snarled at those who tried to approach you, you now can welcome them and not punish them for being honest.

You will find that your life and marriage are much better without inner vows. Renouncing them puts the past in the past where it belongs, and it allows you to walk into the future without carrying pain with you.

from Strengths Based Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Strengths Based Marriage – Day 1

‘There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us.’ 1 Corinthians 12:4-6(NLT)

Taking a strengths approach to your life and your spouse’s not only calls out the best in your spouse, but also it provides access to the natural endorphins that reward you when you use your strengths. This is important because though your spouse may not reward you initially for an action of kindness or generosity, your endorphins will. And let’s face it: we all need a little encouragement to keep going if results are slow in the beginning.

How do you take personal responsibility for your part in the marriage using your strengths? The answer has three parts:

1. Understand yourself.

2. Understand your spouse.

3. Change your thinking.

It starts with your getting to know who you are from a strengths perspective. First, read your Clifton StrengthsFinder® results and get to know what those top-five strengths really mean for you. [www.gallupstrengthscenter.com] . . .Take your strengths results to your spouse or your friends and show them your paragraph descriptions. Ask them to tell you what they see in you, using the description as a starting point. The more you hear from others about how you use that strength, the more your confidence will build. The revelation that you truly have remarkable ability, and that others see it in you, will become a powerful part of your reality.

Next, take some time to get familiar with your spouse’s strengths. It’s common knowledge that our favorite subject is ourselves, so take your spouse’s results and go through the descriptions together. This activity will provide content for a date-night discussion, and it will deepen your understanding of each other.

When appropriate, have your friends tell you about how they see your spouse’s strengths in action. It will deepen your insight about your spouse. Also, in your conversation with friends, be sure to ask about where they see the joy in an action or behavior that displays the strength in your spouse. Recognizing the joy in your spouse’s strengths will give you meaningful insight into what actions provide rewards for your spouse.

Finally, change your thinking. Look at the regular behavior of your spouse through a strengths lens… If you can see your spouse’s actions through a strengths lens, then you can better understand your spouse’s motivations and recognize the corresponding rewards of his or her actions.

from Strengths Based Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Remember, Your Outcome Begins in Your Mind-set

‘They are always thinking about how much it costs. “Eat and drink,” they say, but they don’t mean it.’ Proverbs 23:7(NLT)

Ever glance off at a pretty sunset only to feel your car tires jarring along the roadside? Truth is, if we focus exclusively on driving between the yellow lines, we avoid veering. We can apply this principle to our life and marriage as well. 

Napoleon Hill once wrote, “Every man is what he is, because of the dominating thoughts which he permits to occupy his mind.” He’s not alone in his thinking. Thought leaders through­out time agree that our outcome begins in our mind-set. We find what we look for. We become what we think about. Their wisdom suggests that when we focus on fixing our issues, we unwittingly perpetuate our problems. However, when we focus on our desired outcome, aligning our thoughts with God’s pur­pose, we reap the benefits of living His design for our marriage. 

As a couple, what do you tend to talk about? Where do your thoughts most naturally gravitate? 

If you want to live a higher way of living—God’s way of liv­ing—in your marriage, create new habits of thinking. Instead of thinking and talking about your obstacles, consider God’s pur­pose. Instead of focusing on the problems in your relationship, consider what you both agree on and desire as an end result. Instead of pondering what you want to change about your spouse, consider how your differences make you stronger. Envision your desired outcome and welcome God’s perfect plan for your mar­riage, knowing your outcome begins in your mind-set.

  • Answer the following questions together: What is our desired outcome in our marriage? How is God calling us to shift our mind-set? What is His vision for us as a couple? How will we align our thinking with God’s to better celebrate each other and welcome His design for our marriage? 
  • Each day, make a conscious effort to focus your thoughts, energy, and prayers specifically on your desired outcome—especially when you’re tempted to think otherwise.
  • Pray together daily, asking God to help you look past the obstacles and instead see His vision for your marriage.

Father, empower us to see Your vision instead of our obstacles. We want to celebrate Your unique purpose for our marriage and see the beauty in our individual design.

from Married For A Purpose—Devotions For Couples

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1st Marriage ZZ

Demonstrate God’s Unconditional Love

‘But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. ‘ Romans 5:8(NLT)

Neither of us lived a squeaky-clean life. Even after our con­version, we made huge blunders. One time, in the midst of a really dark season, God showed up in a bar and lovingly impressed on me this single thought: There’s nowhere you can run that my grace won’t find you. Wow. Talk about uncondi­tional love. God didn’t condemn or pay back what I deserved. He demonstrated forgiveness and stirred repentance through His unending grace and unconditional love. 

When you think of unconditional love, what comes to mind? Do you immediately envision someone who loved and served you selflessly? Better yet, how has God revealed His absolute, unrestricted, and unmerited love toward you? 

For years, we’ve centered on this central truth: God’s love is more tender than a mother’s, more faithful than a brother’s, and more intimate than a lover’s. Jesus overlooked all of our indifference and pride, and willingly offered up His life. He nailed the weight of our sin to its final death on the cross. 

Yet understanding and receiving God’s love commissions us to reciprocate and extend His love. Jesus told the disciples, “A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another” (John 13:34). So how did Jesus demonstrate God’s love, leaving a model for us to follow? And how can we best model and demonstrate His love to each other in our marriage relationship?

  • Talk about Romans 5:8. Share how God has lavished you with His love, even when undeserved, and discuss any other thoughts or people that come to mind when you think about unconditional love. 
  • Take time individually to write down the ways you’ll demonstrate unconditional love to each other (and to the other members of your household). How will you live as an example of His unconditional love to each other? 
  • When you see your spouse demonstrating God’s unconditional love, say something to let them know how much their love means to you.

Father, at times it’s hard to give love unconditionally because of our own needs and desires. Remind us to remain silent when we want to retaliate, to serve instead of always expecting to be served, and to love—even when it isn’t convenient or doesn’t feel warranted. Empower us to love each other as You love us.

from Married For A Purpose—Devotions For Couples

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1st Marriage ZZ

Bring God Pleasure

‘For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.’ Romans 11:36(NLT)

Several years ago, our middle child struggled between two decisions. She vacillated and wondered in which activities she should participate. Heavy-hearted and shoulders slumped, she asked, “Which do you want me to do, cheerleading or dance?” Without hesitation, we responded, “Which would you enjoy the most?” 

As you take steps toward living God’s purpose for your marriage, we encourage you to ask yourself the same question. Don’t overcomplicate your marriage purpose. When we align our passions with our service to God, it brings Him pleasure. Just as we desire our children to fully enjoy life, God desires for us to enjoy life to its fullest. Our joint passions combined with our spouse’s reveals His design and purpose for us as a couple. We bring Him pleasure when we use our gifts, talents, and passions to honor Him. 

Eric Liddell, a famous Scottish athlete, understood this truth. In the movie Chariots of Fire, he was quoted as saying, “I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast! And when I run I feel His pleasure.” 

Simplify your thoughts and center them on this central truth: God created you and your spouse to bring Him pleasure together. When you submit your gifts, talents, and passions back to Him for His use, you bring Him pleasure.

  • Make a list of the things you love to do (each spouse should make his or her own list). Compare lists. What activities, interests, or passions do you have in common? What do you enjoy doing together? 
  • Make a list of the gifts and talents you recognize in your spouse. Share what you wrote with the other. Use statements like “I love how you _____ because that’s a weakness of mine” or “You are so amazing at _____ .” 
  • Consider how you can combine your gifts to bring God pleasure in and through your marriage, and then pray together, asking God how you can use your gifts to bring Him pleasure.

Father, we want our marriage to bring You pleasure. Cause us to live our life for You by simply being who You already created us to be. Inspire us to recognize each other’s gifts and talents and to encourage each other in them. We desire to honor each other and bring You pleasure in the process.

from Married For A Purpose—Devotions For Couples

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1st Marriage ZZ

Make God Known

‘“You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.’ Matthew 5:14-16(NLT)

As a couple, the highest compliment we experience occurs when our children say “We see Jesus in you” or “I feel His love when I’m with you.” Wow. What a feeling. 

As a spouse (or parent), one of the best ways to cultivate new habits of thinking so we experience a higher way of liv­ing is by daily asking “How can we make God known (most naturally) in our home?” After all, the greatest opportunity to make God known begins within our family relationships. 

True, God calls us to make Him known through our random acts of kindness, by extending encouragement or benevolence to outsiders, or even by offering gentle responses to people we encounter day to day. But those same habits of extending God’s love should first be extended to each other. We welcome a higher way of living for our marriage when we daily purpose to make God known in our words and actions to each other in the privacy of our own homes. 

Can you imagine how much our relationships would thrive if we as a couple determined one way each day to concentrate on making Him known within the four walls of our home? Can you imagine how much we could impact our culture and future generations if every morning before our feet hit the floor we invited God to reveal one way we could make Him known to our spouse and to our children?

  • Discuss how Matthew 5:14–16 applies to you as a couple.
  • Discuss a few ways you can add value to each other and to your children this week. Then do it!
  • When you wake up each morning this week, say a short prayer, asking the Lord how He wants you to make God known through your words and actions to each other and your children.

Father, remind us to make You known in the way we respond, in the actions we take, and in the way we treat each other. We want to live full-on into Your purpose, in a way that pleases You both practically and spiritually.

from Married For A Purpose—Devotions For Couples

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1st Marriage ZZ

Concentrate Your Attention on God’s Intention

‘For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.’ Ephesians 2:10(NLT)

Ever get tired of to-do lists? If so, you’ll love this simple truth: God’s purpose for your marriage isn’t another thing you need to do; it’s a celebration of who you are. God created every one of us on purpose and for a purpose, and the same holds true for our marriages. But in order for us to live God’s purpose, we need to create godly habits that foster life and welcome His purpose into our everyday living. 

Part of welcoming God’s purpose means that we stop focusing on our problems and concentrate our attention on God’s intention. We experience a higher way of living when we choose to look past our hardships and instead look for­ward and upward to live God’s design, a practice George Washington Carver embraced. 

George Washington Carver, a man born into slavery, certainly faced a lot of hardships. But he didn’t allow those hardships to stop him from using his gifts as a botanist and inventor. Instead, Carver went into his private time of study and lifting a peanut toward heaven, prayed, “Lord, we have so many of these. Help me discover the purpose for this peanut.” 

And guess what? God did. 

God revealed three hundred purposes for the peanut. Wow. Think about it. If God can reveal three hundred purposes for something as seemingly insignificant as a peanut, surely He holds a purpose for your marriage.

  • Read Ephesians 2:10 together. 
  • Discuss how it applies to you as a couple. Ask each other “What do we care about? Who do we care about? How can we use our gifts and talents together for God’s purpose?”
  • Pray and ask God to reveal His purpose for your marriage. 

Father, reveal Your purpose for our marriage. Show us how we can serve You and each other, right where we are, every day.

from Married For A Purpose—Devotions For Couples

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Jesus, Our Ally

‘Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested.’ Hebrews 2:18(NLT)

‘So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.’ Hebrews 4:14-16(NLT)

‘Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence. ‘ Ephesians 3:12(NLT)

We find access to God’s power through the One who understands our thorns. The high priest we have is Jesus Christ, relocated from heaven to become the sacrifice and mediator for His people. 

As our high priest, Jesus is not rigidly religious, gigantically judgmental, or dangerously disconnected from real life. Jesus is no Pharisee, rolling His eyes when we fail, outwardly tolerating us but inwardly reviling our weaknesses. No, Jesus actually sympathizes with us where we are weak. Jesus knows you are weak, and He gets you. He doesn’t merely listen well. He sympathizes. He understands the real frustrations you encounter. As a loving high priest, He empathizes with the areas in which you suffer. And He doesn’t sympathize as an outsider. He’s not the guy who read a book on weakness or quickly Googled it to become conversant. No, the Savior knows you on an experiential level. As our perfect high priest, Jesus is “One who in every respect has been tempted as we are.”

What defining moments of weakness are you facing right now? Bad week battling lust? Jesus understands. He knows the temptation. Struggling with resentful thoughts over some way you feel mistreated? Jesus gets it. He was royally shafted by people and wrestled through the temptation to feel resentful. Fretting over work? Sweating the finances? Feeling forgotten? Jesus knows all this. 

Jesus knows how a fallen world affects you, how temptations compete for supremacy within your soul. Jesus gets the shame—the demoralizing feeling that accompanies the skirmish between what you feel and who you are called to be. Jesus understands, and He sympathizes with us. He’s written our story. And from that place of perfect knowledge, dipping all the way down to our DNA, He issues this life-transforming invitation:

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).

Are you weak? Is your marriage seriously suffering? Are you tempted to throw in the towel, to give up on your role as husband or wife? Tempted to say you aren’t cut out for marriage? Are you in need of power when you’re experiencing thorns? Draw near, Jesus says, and in the cleft of weakness, you’ll find His power to make you strong and your marriage last long.

Name a struggle or weakness you are experiencing today, then confidently ask Jesus for His help in passing through it.

from I Still Do by Dave Harvey

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Sweet Satisfaction

‘Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. ‘ 1 Corinthians 1:27(NLT)

‘Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. ‘ Philippians 4:11(NLT)

‘Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. ‘ 1 Timothy 6:6(NLT)

The first ten years of Kenny and Erin’s marriage seemed pretty easy. Kenny’s business grew and Erin worked part-time only when she wanted to. Then an economic downturn pushed them into bankruptcy. 

Like scalpels, thorns slice deep. There’s the incision, the blood, and the throbbing pain. Extraction causes tender wounds. Then comes the healing, and it takes time. For Kenny and Erin, this included coming to terms with their loss, picking up the broken pieces, and finding faith to slowly rebuild. They learned to bear the regret, reject the shame, and adjust to new financial realities. As they were faithful to talk, confess, pray together, and ask for help, they noticed a change in how they viewed what God had already provided them. 

When life was about strength and success, Kenny and Erin were rarely content with what they had. They felt entitled to a certain quality of life, and they saw hardships and weaknesses as unnecessary intrusions, things to endure and find relief from as quickly as possible. Their marriage existed in part to help each other survive the bad times so they could enjoy the good times.

Trouble was, their search for satisfaction never seemed to end. In fact, the older they got, the higher their standards for satisfaction became. Then came their thorn, and what satisfied would never be the same. 

Kenny and Erin had never known sharp division in their marriage, but they also hadn’t experienced the sweet unity that came after their loss. Kenny and Erin’s newfound position of weakness also helped them to see God’s many gifts with clearer eyes, and, they felt less fearful of future calamities. A deeper faith ignited in them a fuller appreciation of their experience of salvation.

They learned to live satisfied today—not because they have all they desire, but because in Christ they have received more than they deserve. Kenny and Erin began to see that their circumstances don’t need to change in order for them to be satisfied in life. Because of the amazing riches of Christ, they can be “content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities,” for when they are weak, then they are strong (2 Corinthians 12:10).

Like strength in weakness and satisfaction in loss, name a circumstance when God showed you His power unexpectedly.

from I Still Do by Dave Harvey

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

Thorns Change Our Boast

‘You rescue the humble, but you humiliate the proud.’ Psalms 18:27(NLT)

‘Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.’ Proverbs 11:2(NLT)

‘The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy One, says this: “I live in the high and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble. I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.’ Isaiah 57:15(NLT)

I have a confession. In my first few years of marriage, I saw myself as God’s gift to the institution. I imagined the ways God might use our marriage to exalt the wisdom of biblical gender roles, establish a potent specimen of marital godliness, or spotlight my leadership savvy. It would be my starring role!

But getting married didn’t make me sparkle. It exposed my weakness. In regretful ways, I trusted in my own strength and what that strength could produce. So God gave me a thorn that brought my self-assessment back to earth. The thorn was a job for which I was equal parts underqualified and overconfident. It revealed the shabby foundations in my life, which came into full view the day my wife said, “You missed our anniversary.”

My eyes filled with tears. I had been working so hard that I completely missed the arrival and departure of that momentous day. Never, never in a million years did I see myself as an anniversary-skipping kind of husband. Not when I tried so hard to cover all of my bases. Not when I was throwing my best leadership at life. But it happened. In my ambition to excel, I failed to prioritize our marriage. I failed to honor my wife. 

“I’m so ashamed,” I whispered. “Please forgive me.”

“Of course I forgive you,” she responded. “You’ve been working like a lunatic. Let’s celebrate it tonight!” 

My wife’s gracious forgiveness flipped a switch in my mind. My illusion of myself as a consistently strong and attentive husband had to be downgraded. I’m not omnicompetent. I’m really a weak man who needs a strong Savior, so “I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Humility is essential to a marriage that endures. A humble acceptance of our own responsibility and an ongoing awareness of our culpability as sinners helps us to daily depend on God’s amazing grace and sufficiency instead of our own. It reminds us that we are not the Creator but creatures. We have not arrived; we’re just pilgrims journeying toward our eternal home.

How have you experienced God’s help through mistakes you’ve made in your marriage?

from I Still Do by Dave Harvey