Month: September 2020

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Devotion for Men Devotion for Women ZZ

Pride And Rebellion – Day 2

‘God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy. But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.’ Psalms 68:6(NLT)

‘Not at all! And you will perish, too, unless you repent of your sins and turn to God. And what about the eighteen people who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them? Were they the worst sinners in Jerusalem? No, and I tell you again that unless you repent, you will perish, too.”’ Luke 13:3-5(NLT)

‘If you will only obey me, you will have plenty to eat.’ Isaiah 1:19(NLT)

Have you ever been in a dry season? A season where absolutely nothing worked. You’re fighting with your spouse, you’re not booking any new clients, making any leeway at work, or your kids are not engaged in anything you’re trying to do with them. Is this all happenstance, or are you in a parched land?

Everything is not going to go perfectly at all times, but there are times in my life where nothing is working and I know it’s because of an action or inaction on my part. I was willingly disobedient in an area, putting my thoughts higher than the His thoughts and as a result, nothing was working. 

I have a cure for you: repentance. I’m not talking about Sunday repentance at the altar. I’m talking a simple, ‘I’m sorry Lord. I submit. I change my mind’. The reaction and results of your repentance may not be immediate, but it’s the first step in the right direction. Keep saying yes, not matter how hard it may be. Your life will change.

from Pride And Rebellion by Dionne Dean

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Devotion for Men Devotion for Women ZZ

Pride And Rebellion – Day 1

‘Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols. So because you have rejected the command of the Lord , he has rejected you as king.”
Saul Pleads for Forgiveness
Then Saul admitted to Samuel, “Yes, I have sinned. I have disobeyed your instructions and the Lord ’s command, for I was afraid of the people and did what they demanded. ‘ 1 Samuel 15:23-24(NLT)

‘Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.’ Proverbs 16:18(NLT)

I don’t willingly not listen to the Holy Spirit…I mean, I do, but not in a bad way. I don’t raise my fist, stomp my feet and yell like a grounded pre-adolescent teen arguing to go out with her friends. What I do, however, is put on my ‘know-it-all’ headphones and ignore the direction in which the Spirit of God is leading me, especially if it’s a place that I don’t want to go.

I do this in my marriage, my business and other areas that I’m not ready to submit to the Word and will of God. Who wants to ‘submit to one another’ when your husband wants to take a job across the country away from family and friends. Or submit to a plan of healthy eating and exercise, especially during the holidays. But scripture says that this constant rebellious attitude is like witchcraft—yes, witchcraft and sorcery and our stubbornness is as bad as idolatry. We have set up ourselves, our wills, and our emotions against God. 

I don’t want to be God’s enemy. I want to be his daughter. I want my life to sing and my obedience to be worship. I’m going to submit…will you? 

from Pride And Rebellion by Dionne Dean

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Servant Communication

‘For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”’ Mark 10:45(NLT)

Introduction

Believe it or not, this is the last session of this study. But there’s one more thing that’s vital to know if you want to take communication in your marriage to the next level.

Once we know our spouse’s communication dynamic and train ourselves to really listen, we can discovery a life-altering truth: communication is not about us.

Tension

Remember our definition of effective communication from earlier in the study: when the receiver responds as intended.

Why is that definition so easy to understand but hard to achieve? How do you make sure effective communication happens? 

Truth

Focus on your spouse, not on yourself. That’s the definition of servant communication.

God has placed you in a union where you can learn what it’s like to have a servant’s heart every day. Through your marriage, you can see how God is working in you, growing you.

Application

Marriage isn’t difficult. 

That probably sounds incorrect considering how difficult we often make marriage. But if we stop making marriage about ourselves, it becomes as simple as performing small acts of service every day.

Over time, those small acts create connection. They draw us closer to our spouse.

Remember:

  • You cannot NOT communicate.
  • Everyone communicates differently.
  • Everyone has their own way of communicating. It is not right or wrong; it’s just them.

Bottom Line

Servant communication is not about you.

from Closer Connection

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Are You Truly Listening?

‘Unfriendly people care only about themselves; they lash out at common sense. Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.’ Proverbs 18:1-2(NLT)

Introduction

Perhaps the biggest obstacle to effective communication is our inability to listen.

This session, we’ll learn a technique that can help anyone to learn how to listen . . . really listen.

Tension

Were you ever taught how to listen? Most of us weren’t. It’s said that most people listen not to understand, but to answer.

Truth

A well-stated problem is 90 percent solved. If we listen more and understand truly what’s wrong, the problem is almost solved.

We want to solve things quickly, so we rush toward an answer as soon as someone begins to give us information. But sometimes the answer is to listen . . . and understand.

Application

Remember LURE:

Listen

  • Stay focused on your spouse.
  • Remove distractions (television, phone, etc.)
  • Don’t develop solutions.
  • Focus on emotions, importance, assumptions, and unclear thoughts.
  • Ask questions for clarity, to show interest, and to demonstrate concern.

Understand

  • Paraphrase your spouse’s comments.
  • Frequently check for understanding.
  • Ask short clarifying questions; clear up assumptions.
  • Allow your spouse to continue without interruption.

Repeat

  • If your spouse doesn’t agree that you paraphrased their comments correctly, return to the Listen step.
  • If your spouse agrees with your paraphrase, move to the next step.

Experience

  • Experience a stress-free conversation.
  • You may now begin to resolve the issue, if necessary.

This is difficult to do every day, all of the time. But you don’t need to do that. LURE is best used when conversations are intense.

When stress is escalating, LURE:

  1. Slows things down.
  2. Allows your spouse to process through their filters and then verify they understand what you’re communicating.

Bottom Line

Most people do not listen to understand, but rather to answer.

from Closer Connection

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Taking the Stress Out of Communication

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

Introduction

Understanding the differences in our communication dynamics is the first step in easing communication tensions in marriage.

Now that we understand ourselves and how we like to communicate, it’s time to look at where we aren’t communicating well with our spouse.

Tension

If our relationship with our spouse is the most intimate of our lives, why is it sometimes so difficult to understand and be understood?

Truth

If we heed James’s warning and slow down, we can pay attention to where our spouse is coming from. We can help them to help us communicate more effectively.

Opposition creates stress. If we only focus on our own communication dynamic, we create stress for our spouse and ourselves. 

If your spouse’s communication dynamic is different than your own, he or she probably won’t react to your attempts to communicate in ways that you’d predict or maybe even desire. 

Is that wrong? No. It’s just different than you.

Application

How do you deal with your differences?

  1. Know your spouse’s communication dynamic.
  2. Learn to speak their dynamic.

Bottom Line

You can speak your spouse’s language . . . once you know it.

from Closer Connection

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Conversationally Unique

‘Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.’ Psalms 139:14(NLT)

Introduction

God created each of us to be unique—and that includes the dynamic of how we communicate.

How different are you and your spouse? For many couples, opposites really do attract. For others, you’re a lot alike. But no matter your specific situation, you’re different from your spouse in key ways.

Tension

Last session, we said that you and your spouse were created differently by God for His purposes. But if God created us uniquely, how do we discover our uniqueness?

Truth

Why do we get upset when our spouses don’t give us back what we want from a conversation? We’re all tempted to try to make our spouse more like ourselves. But that’s not God’s plan for marriage.

Application

Communication isn’t one size fits all.

We each have preferred ways of giving and receiving information. Knowing what you and your spouse’s preferences are could be a game changer. 

We each have all four communication dynamics. But all of the things that influence our communication—people, events, how we grew up—determine which dynamics are strong and weak for each of us.

Bottom Line

Everyone has a preferred way to communicate. It’s not right or wrong. It’s just who they are.

from Closer Connection

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Of Course I’m Listening

‘But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part! Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. ‘ 1 Corinthians 12:18-20(NLT)

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘ Jeremiah 29:11(NLT)

Introduction

Listening is vital to effective communication, but being a good listener may be trickier than you think.

We tend to think of communication as talking, but it’s not that simple. We connect with each other in many ways. Communication happens whenever contact is made—verbal or non-verbal.

Tension

The problem is that the complexities of communication—especially non-verbal communication—can lead to misunderstandings. This is compounded by the fact partners in a marriage are unique individuals who often see and interpret things differently. 

Truth

We are created differently by God.

As a couple, your differences fit together for God’s purposes. But you have to resist the temptation to try to make your spouse like you. Instead, try to understand how God made them.

Words, tone of voice, and body language affect a listener’s understanding— whether you’re communicating in person, on the phone, or by text or email. 

Application

Filters also affect how effectively we communicate. We each have filters that affect how we understand a message. 

  • The WIIFM (What’s In It For Me?) filter
  • The MMFI (Make Me Feel Important) filter

Chances are, your spouse wants to know he or she is more important to you than whatever it is you’re talking or disagreeing about.

False Filters

People and experiences in our past also create personal filters—and many of those personal filters are untrue. 

For example, if you grew up feeling like you were never good enough, you’re more likely to read others’ words, tone of voice, and body language as belittling or distrusting. That may not be what the other person is trying to communicate at all, but you are conditioned to interpret it that way—especially during conflict.

It’s important to take the time to do the work necessary to replace your false filters with God’s truth.

Bottom Line

Everyone communicates differently.

from Closer Connection

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage

Servant Communication

‘But Moses pleaded with the Lord , “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.” Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord ? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.”’ Exodus 4:10-12(NLT)

Introduction

Believe it or not, this is the last session of this study. But there’s one more thing that’s vital to know if you want to take communication in your marriage to the next level.

Once we know our spouse’s communication dynamic and train ourselves to really listen, we can discovery a life-altering truth: communication is not about us.

Tension

Remember our definition of effective communication from earlier in the study: when the receiver responds as intended.

Why is that definition so easy to understand but hard to achieve? How do you make sure effective communication happens? 

Truth

Focus on your spouse, not on yourself. That’s the definition of servant communication.

God has placed you in a union where you can learn what it’s like to have a servant’s heart every day. Through your marriage, you can see how God is working in you, growing you.

Application

Marriage isn’t difficult. 

That probably sounds incorrect considering how difficult we often make marriage. But if we stop making marriage about ourselves, it becomes as simple as performing small acts of service every day.

Over time, those small acts create connection. They draw us closer to our spouse.

Remember:

  • You cannot NOT communicate.
  • Everyone communicates differently.
  • Everyone has their own way of communicating. It is not right or wrong; it’s just them.

Bottom Line

Servant communication is not about you.

from Closer Connection

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

Love Restored – Day 7

‘The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses. When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.’ Galatians 5:17-26(NLT)

What Henry Fairlie says of sexual lust is true of all the lesser lusts that captivate us. “Our obsession with our sexuality has led us to develop a wholly false, rather silly, and in the end, objectionable view of our natures,” he notes. “Our sexual life is taken to be the measure of our entire life.” It is not. Neither are the myriad of other desires for which we long. We can live without them. We can live without many of the things we desire most. Indeed, in many cases, we must go without them if we are to live.

The ultimate answer to the false virtue of lust is not better intentions or even willpower. The ultimate remedy is the cross of Jesus Christ. It is only by the cross that we can say no to our sinful desires. This ability is a gift of grace as much as forgiveness. It is the grace of God that “teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age” (Titus 2:12). The denial is ours, but the power is God’s. This capacity to say no to ungodliness is natural only in the sense that it comes from our new nature in Christ: “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires” (Galatians 5:24). The Christian does not lose the capacity to lust. Instead, believers gain the ability to deny their sinful desires. These two dimensions exist together and are often a source of great struggle. The old nature (or flesh) “desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want” (Galatians 5:17).

What does this mean for our struggle with desire? First, it means that we should not be surprised to find that it is a struggle. The stirring of sinful desire does not mean that the gospel has failed. Neither does it mean that we have no choice but to entertain such desires and act upon them. John Stott notes that the remedy of the cross indicates that we must be pitiless in our denial of the old nature. The cross was reserved for the worst criminals: “If, therefore, we are to crucify’ our flesh, it is plain that the flesh is not something respectable to be treated with courtesy and deference, but something so evil that it deserves no better fate than to be crucified.” In our desire to emphasize God’s gracious acceptance of sinners, we may sometimes give the impression that He also tolerates sin. Our desire not to single out any particular type of sin has rehabilitated many that were once regarded as shameful and are now either ignored by the church or treated as acceptable. Second, the general tone of the New Testament when it speaks of sinful desire is one of hope rather than despair. Although the struggle against lust is lifelong, the Bible not only promises ultimate victory in the life to come but the possibility of overcoming in the present. The stirring of sinful desires is not necessarily the evidence of a spiritual defeat but may be just the opposite. We should treat these stirrings as the death throes of the old nature as it rails against the Spirit. Those who put to death the desires of the sinful nature are simply acting on the assumption that what the Bible says of them is actually true. They recognize that their obligation lies with the Holy Spirit who empowers them to say “no” to the flesh (Romans 8:13; Colossians 3:5).

Finally, we should not be so afraid to see our desires go unfulfilled. Countless hours of exposure to marketing has trained us to think that we should have everything we desire. Contemporary teaching about sex implies that we cannot be humans without fulfilling our sexual desires. The truth lies in the opposite direction. Our worst fate may not be that our desires will go unfulfilled but that they will be met. “We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea,” C. S. Lewis explains. “We are far too easily pleased.” This is the problem with human desire. Not that we desire too much, but that we desire too little.

from Love Restored by Dr. John Koessler

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

Love Restored – Day 6

‘This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us. And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. All who declare that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first. If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their fellow believers.’ 1 John 4:10-21(NLT)

We love God because God first loved us.

This may sound too mystical to be practical. Do we merely wait until some divine energy strikes us from the outside and makes us care about those for whom we previously gave no thought? We hear this sort of talk all the time, usually from those who have spent a week or two on some short-term mission trip. “God gave me such a love for the people!” they gush. Perhaps it is true. But it is more likely that they have simply mistaken the excitement of being in strange surroundings or the shock of seeing human need up close for something else. Certainly, they are affected, perhaps even strongly affected. They may feel a sense of pity. But what they are experiencing is the missional equivalent to puppy love. Whether their interest is genuine love can be demonstrated only in the long term after the glow of missional tourism has worn off. Love will prove itself when they learn to cope with all the tedious necessities of living life as strangers in a strange land after they have had full exposure to what seems to be rudeness or arrogance or condescension or outright disinterest.

Fortunately, the analogy of human experience to which Jesus points can help us learn the art of this divine love. God is indeed the source of this love, but it does not operate in some hidden mystical zone. The opportunities to show it and the forms that this love takes are ordinary. The observations of C. S. Lewis are helpful here. “In such a case the Divine Love does not substitute itself for the natural—as if we had to throw away our silver to make room for the gold,” he explains. “The natural loves are summoned to become modes of Charity while also remaining the natural loves they were.” We do not replace our ordinary love with something new that we have never experienced before. Instead, by the grace of God and through the empowerment of His Spirit, we place all our ordinary loves at God’s disposal. In this way, His love becomes the love that orders all our other loves. His love is the only love powerful enough to wean us away from our infatuation with ourselves.

With this in mind, the basic rule that Jesus lays when it comes to practicing love is simple to understand: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12). We do not dismiss our desires but allow them to be our guide by providing a mirror image. What would we want for ourselves, if the circumstances were reversed? Nothing could be simpler. It is the execution that poses the problem for us. We can see it easily enough but we often do not want to live by this rule. The corruption of our sinful nature further complicates matters. Often what we desire from others reflects our sinful self-centeredness, making it an untrustworthy guide for our own behavior. An honest evaluation of Jesus’ rule soon reveals that to follow it, we must say no to our desires. We do not need to deny that these desires exist. They are what they are, and Christ already knows that they exist. But we must often deny ourselves. Our mistake has been to believe the lie that we cannot live without the things we desire. This was the original lie that was sold to Eve by Satan. It is the lie that comes with every sinful lust that arises in our hearts.

from Love Restored by Dr. John Koessler