Month: September 2020

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. ‘ Galatians 5:13(NLT)

‘Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 4:15(NLT)

‘If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. ‘ James 1:5(NLT)

‘For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.’ Proverbs 2:6(NLT)

‘Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ‘ 2 Corinthians 12:9(NLT)

When Gary and Brenda first met, their dates mostly happened like this: If Gary wanted to see Brenda on the weekend, he called her sometime on Thursday to make plans for Saturday night; otherwise she ­didn’t hear from him. After weeks of this, Brenda balked. “It felt too unbalanced. I had no control. If I wanted to see him, I had to wait, not make other plans.” And so the 

Thursday eventually came when Brenda sweetly declared herself busy on Saturday. She turned down dates with Gary until eventually he got the message and changed his pattern.

It’s a little thing, but it illustrates a big point: Smart love has standards of behavior in a relationship. Smart love has a bottom line that says, this is what I can and cannot live with. Whether it be about common courtesy, seeing other ­ people, or having limits on sex, smart love preserves your dignity, integrity, and well-being.

In so many ways it comes down to honoring God – not to mention your partner and yourself – through your decision-making. And wise decision ultimately means leaning into God’s guidance for your life. As it says in Proverbs, “For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth comes knowledge and understanding” (Proverbs 2:6)

Everyone’s bottom line is different. We ­can’t tell you where to draw the line on every issue. That’s your decision. You call the shots about what you can and cannot live with. The point is to know what you want from a dating partner and where you are willing to bend—and where you are not.

Beware: If you are to hold to your bottom line, you must ultimately accept the possibility of being alone. You must be willing to walk if the relationship ­isn’t allowing your best self to flourish. 

Here’s the bottom line of smart love: A lousy relationship is never better than no relationship at all. 

Being alone – and leaning on God’s presence when you’re alone – is better than compromising your standard. 

(added emphasis)

Do you believe that God’s presence is better than a lousy relationship? 

Do you trust that His love – and His wisdom – will be sufficient for you regardless of your relationship status? 

If you don’t, making wise and God-honoring decisions will be compromised. 

You have to see yourself and others through the lens of God’s faithful and unending love. It will keep you steady, guide you with confidence and help you make decisions. 

Not only will God’s love motivate you to keep your standards high, but it will also prepare you to be a healthy contributor to a God-honoring and sustaining relationship. 

from Improving Your Love IQ by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

‘Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.’ Psalms 34:10(NLT)

‘Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 4:7(NLT)

Don’t return all his calls, and never stay on the phone with him longer than ten minutes. Always be the one who ends a date or a phone call. Never accept a Saturday date if he asks later than Wednesday. This is just a sampling of silly rules we’ve heard over the years about dating. 

Rules are for games, not relationships. And smart love knows the difference. Games are meant to lure, even manipulate another person into seeing you as someone you’re not. We’re not picking on this little book of codified dating advice. The games ­people play in dating relationships are nothing new. They’re as old as time. As is the damage they cause. 

Anytime you project an image that is not real, you are hiding your true self and playing a game you’ll eventually lose. You may win attention, sympathy, or admiration for the moment, but it ­ won’t last—it’s only a game.

Far more important that playing games in our dating life is to call on God to help us discern what’s best along the way. In other words,  seek God’s  wisdom, guidance and discernment along the way.  As the Psalmnist puts it: “The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing” (Psalm 34:10). The more we do this just the more honor we bring to our dating relationships (see Romans 12:2).

So if you’re looking for love that goes the distance, ­you’ve got to avoid game playing as much as possible and be real. Consider the childhood game of hide and seek. “Oh, the delicious thrill of hiding while the others come looking for you,” writes French author Jean Baudrillard, “the delicious terror of being discovered, but what panic when, after a long search, the others abandon you!” 

Dating games, played too much and too long, result in the same aloneness. So play a few games if you must, but ­ don’t hide too well. Our advice? ­ We’ll say it again, be who you are and the dates will follow. 

Today, you might have to ask God to forgive you for playing the dating game and hiding your true self with those you’ve dated. 

Ask Him to transform you to be at peace enough with who He says you are in Him that you can have discernment to guard your heart (Philippians 4:7) and while also being your truest self to others. 

from Improving Your Love IQ by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”’ 1 Samuel 16:7(NLT)

‘Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?’ Amos 3:3(NLT)

‘As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.’ Proverbs 27:17(NLT)

We’ve all heard it: Opposites attract. But is it true? Hardly. In reality, opposites seldom attract, and if they do they often ­don’t stay attracted. 

The old “birds of a feather” thing may sound trite, but it’s the truth. Close relationships are more likely to form and endure with someone who shares your ideas, values, and desires, a person who likes the same music, the same activities, even the same foods. For good reason the prophet Amos wondered, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”

How do you know if you have a lot in common? It takes time. And it ­doesn’t hurt to withhold premature judgments. We have a friend who says she dates “like Margaret Mead.” On a promising date she brings along her anthropological, oh-­isn’t-that-interesting self, observing and recording differences “as if the guy were an alien species.” 

By considering the first few dates as an expedition, she’s learned to listen more and react less. And it pays off. She ­doesn’t jump to critical conclusions because he ­isn’t willing to try Thai food or has a different political view from hers. Over time, she patiently sifts through the dating data to discover whether she and her date is a good match on the things that matter most.

The prophet, Samuel, was reminded of the power that comes from considering more than simple attractiveness to select the right person. 

King Saul had all the obvious preferences of the people – he was tall, strong, attractive, with plenty of charisma. But he wasn’t obedient to God, and God sent Samuel to find a new king that would lead with God’s vision for His people. 

This is what God said to Samuel about who He was looking for: 

…For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

While attractiveness draws us to something we might think is God’s best, we have to consider other factors about a person to know if it truly is. 

Differences emerge in any close relationship, of course. But smart love knows that for a fighting chance the relationship must be built on common ground. In one famous study of more than three hundred dating ­couples in Boston, those who eventually broke up were less well-matched in age, educational ambitions, intelligence, and physical attractiveness than those who stayed together. 

Study after study has found little support for the “opposites attract” idea. Instead, the happiest ­couples are those with lots of similarities. To paraphrase Henry Ward Beecher, “A well-matched couple is winged, an ill-matched ­couple is shackled.”   

Today, ask God to help identify the things you value that will help you know if someone you date aligns who you are based on how He’s created and designed you. 

from Improving Your Love IQ by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? ‘ 2 Corinthians 6:14(NLT)

‘Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.” ‘ 1 Corinthians 15:33(NLT)

‘Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.”’ John 7:24(NLT)

‘Blind guides! You strain your water so you won’t accidentally swallow a gnat, but you swallow a camel! “What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy—full of greed and self-indulgence! ‘ Matthew 23:24-25(NLT)

Most ­people put more time and energy into planning a dinner party or shopping for a car than they do seeking a mate who is right for them. Unfortunately, there are serious consequences when romance is left entirely to chance. Oh, we know, it sounds so businesslike to talk “strategy” when it comes to dating. “You should just let it happen,” we often hear. But that’s a cop-out. If you’re going to date smart you have to think smart.

Have you considered the kinds of things you want in a dating relationship? What qualities are you looking for in another person? What traits, skills, abilities would fit the bill for you? Whether you’ve made your “shopping list” or not, ­ we’ve got to tell you that it may be deceiving. Unless you are practicing smart love, what you think you’re looking for may be off the mark.

When asked to indicate the most important quality in a dating partner, today’s college students ­don’t hesitate. “Looks” is the first word they utter. 

So let’s all be honest, the secret’s out: whether we admit it or not, physical attractiveness tops the list of desirable dating qualities. Is this wrong? Absolutely not. Sex appeal is part of God’s design. But here’s the clincher: there’s far more to a dating relationship than looks. The truth is physical attractiveness is a good spring, but a poor regulator. It gets love going but it ­doesn’t keep love going.

Smart love understands this and looks beneath the surface. Smart love looks beyond beauty to find sustaining principles for lasting love, a love that may uphold lifelong marriage. 

That’s why God’s Word reminds us to connect with people who are in line with our spiritual life (2 Corinthians 6:14, 1 Corinthians 15:33). By the way, Scripture doesn’t say anything about making sure the people you date are physically attractive. It directs us to focus on their spirit and character. The truth about relationships is that the healthier both individuals are emotionally and spiritually, the healthier the relationship will be.

After all, the divorce rate is so high, according to Yale researcher Robert Sternberg, not because people make foolish choices, but because they are drawn together for reasons that matter less as time goes on. In other words, the force that brings a ­couple together—physical attractiveness—has little to do with what keeps them together. 

For too long, ­couples have based the start of their relationship on superficialities and then hoped for the best. But there’s a better way. You no longer need to leave the future of your relationship to chance. 

Have you ever thought about what draws you to someone you’re interested in? 

Does your physical attraction matter more than someone’s spiritual depth or character? 

Today, ask God to help you view people the way He does. He is faithful to convict and transform our thinking and will help us to connect with others in a deeper way that honors Him. 

from Improving Your Love by IQ Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. ‘ Romans 8:6(NLT)

‘For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.’ Proverbs 2:6(NLT)

‘So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. ‘ Ephesians 5:15(NLT)

Imagine walking into a crowded room, briefly milling around, and then with the help of a little computer technology, knowing, without ever saying a word, whether anyone there might be a good match for you as a dating partner. Sound like sci-fi? Not to researchers at M.I.T.’s Media Lab who designed Thinking Tags. These little wearable computers seek out other “smart” tags in a room and swap data. The microchip-driven, infrared-transmitting cards are programmable by the wearer, who is asked to input responses to five questions designed to help you click with another. At a Thinking Tag get-together, ­ people wander about and let their badges do the work. When they approach within five feet of each other, pairs of tags display their results in a neat row of five red and green lights. According to the inventors, you dispense with all the tired chit-chat and immediately know whether it’s worth the brain cycles to at­tempt social intercourse.

If this artificial-intelligence approach to interaction seems a bit, well, artificial, we understand. Thinking Tags, as far as we know, are far from catching on. When it comes to getting to know one another, most ­ people still opt for old-fashioned communication (even if it’s on the Internet). But you ­ don’t have to sacrifice relational intelligence if you’re not wearing a smart tag. Not if you have what we call a high Love I.Q.

Scripture calls it wisdom. And the Apostle Paul says is straight: “Be very careful then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise (Ephesians 5:15). That’s what we mean in this reading plan by improving your “Love IQ.” We want to help you be wise in your love life.  

Have you ever thought about your intelligence when it comes to love? Not your understanding of its history or origins. But your capacity to keep your wits about you when you’re engulfed by its mysterious emotions. That’s what smart love is all about. It ­doesn’t take the fun out of feeling. It simply infuses it with wisdom.

Smart love is still love, thrills and all, only wiser.

More focused. More observant. And invites scripture to help us guide us in our decision-making. Smart love ­doesn’t allow you to delude yourself into believing something that ­ isn’t true. It may, for example, point out that the person you’re with is the person you’re better off without. 

On the other hand, it may help you see clearly that the person you’re with makes you a better person. It may give you confidence to know that your relationship is headed in the right direction.

While your heart is sweetly distracted by all the possibilities, smart love keeps you aware of what is taking place. You still swoon and sigh, but you also consider facts and make intelligent choices. Smart love is all about falling in love without losing your mind – and this reading plan will show you how to do just that.

Today, ask God for wisdom and understanding. He wants for your decision-making to be spirit-led, grounded in His wisdom, and filled with His peace. 

from Improving Your Love IQ by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott