Month: September 2020

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:21-33(NLT)

STEP 1- Pursue Your Spouse Constantly

The person you are married to is a worthy pursuit. Think back to the moment when you decided to pursue your spouse. In that moment we made a choice influenced by a feeling. For some, they knew God personally and the decisions were influenced by His Spirit and His leading. For others, these decisions were dictated by circumstances and hard decisions led to covenant vows. No matter how you ended up here, there was a series of events that influenced your pursuit. Your actions reinforced your thoughts and feelings and you won their heart and exchanged “I do’s.”

Something crazy happens a few years down the marriage road and you forget about the pursuit. You conquered that pursuit, they said yes to forever not even knowing what that meant and here you are going through the motions. What if I told you it’s not supposed to be that way?

That special date you planned to win her heart and show her your sweet and tender side is still an important part of your marriage today. The way you got all dolled up for dates and felt butterflies in your stomach as he approached the door to take you out can still be a part of your dating life today. It’s all in the pursuit. 

Often couples wait until they’re in a rocky place or at the end of their rope before they reintroduce the tactics used to win their spouse’s love in the first place. Now hear me out, we don’t try to win their love by performing perfectly but we do live like the little things matter and they are worth the pursuit. 

If you’ve never experienced that… now is a great time to start. God can begin a new work and put that love inside you. The defining moment will be your willingness. 

Everyone loves to be pursued. 

STEP 2- Make Time to Date Your Spouse Regularly

One of the things we see in most marriages that are struggling is that they haven’t made time for each other. I get it, life is busy, schedules are full, there are demands at work, at home, with the kids and every other commitment we’ve made. But the most important commitment we made in the very beginning went something like this “to have and to hold from this day forward forsaking all others”. This covenant requires a commitment to the most important things first. When God is the center of our marriage, we know that the one we said those vows to is one of God’s greatest gifts, handcrafted for us.

The pursuit of each other’s heart is a choice and a daily action. We can’t stop doing the things that got us here in the first place. Quit making excuses. Make a phone call. Ask them out. Plan a date. Get dressed up. Put on your favorite jeans and your best shirt. Look at each other. Talk about things other than work, the kids and what’s not right. Choose to remember why you were drawn to them in the first place and for goodness sake stop focusing on the problems and start choosing to pursue their heart. Make out a little (or a lot) and the greatest part is, you get to go home with them, tonight and every night. 

Date nights don’t have to be extravagant. Some of the best dates are connecting on the couch with popcorn and coke after the kids go to bed. It is about intentional time spent together where both parties feel like the priority, so you can fully connect.

STEP 3- Use your Words Generously

What comes to mind when you think about your spouse, your marriage or the life you’ve built together? If you think it, write it down and share it with them. Our spouse needs our written words to look back on when they start to forget the truth about themselves, your marriage or life in general. Your written encouragement can shift their thinking and help them feel loved, known and valued.

There’s a specific carwash my husband likes to frequent. This car wash has a section full of cards for every occasion. More times than not when my husband goes to the car wash, he grabs a cute or funny card. The best part is he usually takes the time to write in it something specific to the season we are walking in. These cards are gestures and reminders that he’s thinking about me, he cares about what I care about and I’m a big part of his everyday life. When your man can go to the car wash and think about you, you know you’re number one in his book. 

You have the opportunity to leave a note, card, or even a sticky note with a scripture or an encouraging word to your spouse often. Words matter and you taking the time to speak something positive changes the atmosphere. Writing it down allows it to be a continuous reminder.

Ephesians 5 lays out how husbands are to love their wives and wives honor their husbands. We hope that this simple plan has given you practical ideas you can implement to live this out in your everyday life. As you practice each of these you will be able to love and live fully connected to God and each other!

Think it Over:

What does my spouse like/love that I can pick up or do to brighten their day?

from Fully Connected Marriage

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.’ Romans 7:15-20(NLT)

‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11(NLT)

Marriage Builder #1-Intimacy

When we talk about intimacy it’s not just sex. Yes, physical intimacy is vital to a healthy marriage but it’s also about conversations that connect, moments that solidify you’re the only one and non-sexual physical touch reserved for them alone. Intimacy can be severely lacking and one of the hardest hurdles to jump without God. Genesis states clearly that “a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two shall become one.” (Genesis 2:24) 

Connect often. The heart of Fully Connected is to fuel the feelings of connection to God and each other. A fully connected Marriage experiences sexual intimacy regularly and works for emotional intimacy on a daily basis. 

Talk about it… all of it! Not every conversation is intimate but how we connect, when we connect and what we connect about fueling our connections. If every conversation revolves around work, schedules, kids and responsibilities it’s harder to feel seen or known. But when you’re willing to say, “I’m having a hard day”, “will you pray for me?” or share the big and little wins from your workday, you’re able to connect. 

There are two important  elements of communication, talking and listening. God gave us two ears and one mouth. Intimacy requires that we listen. We get to practice using our ears more than our mouth. Being a great listener means we hear what they say and take it to heart. 

Keep it physical. Hold hands, kiss, hug or whatever else speaks love to your spouse outside of sex. Not all physical touch needs to lead to sex but all physical touch is for the purpose of connection. There’s something reassuring about the connection of a kiss or being held that is reserved for just your spouse. In our marriage, emotional breakdowns can be diffused with a simple hug or if my spouse pulls me in close. Holding hands in the car or at the movies or walking to the stands at a football, volleyball or soccer game physically represents the desire to be connected.

Marriage Builder #2-Intentionality

In an intentional marriage, we purpose to do the things that speak love to them even when we don’t really want to. Being intentional is simple and happens in the little things.

Know what is important to them. Often we know what to do but don’t want to do it. This happens in our lives and it happens in our relationships. We must purpose to do the good we want to do and trust God to give us the heart and desire to do it. Romans talks about the dilemma between what we should do and what we actually do. Do the things that are important to them and you both win! Be intentional and love on purpose every chance you get. 

Go the extra mile. This one is easily overlooked. If you’ve been married for a while you know it’s easy to stop caring about important things. Laundry can sit for days unfolded and unattended. That bill that needs to be paid can be pushed aside because it’s just not that important to you. Getting showered and fixing your hair is the last thing you want to do with a new baby. Working out doesn’t seem to fit with your hectic work-family life schedule. Going to church regularly can feel like a luxury that time doesn’t allow for. When you get home from work the last thing you want to do is explain your day or listen to your spouse’s day.  The bottom line, it’s about looking at each other,  intimately connecting through conversation and taking a minute to love and serve our spouse intentionally so we can fully connect.

Marriage Builder #3-Initiation

We must quit waiting for them to ______________(fill in the blank). Marriage is a two-way street and requires equal effort from both parties. I must be willing to do my part even when they aren’t doing theirs. I will love them, serve them, care about their needs regardless of what I’m getting in return. It’s not a give to get but a give to give relationship and a fully connected marriage initiates intimacy, conversations, serves the other and celebrates. You can start with one simple action that could be non-existent in your marriage right now. 

Flirt a little (or a lot). Those silly love notes you wrote forever ago are just as powerful now. That look, smile or wink they used to give you from across the room serves as a sweet reminder that you are still worth noticing or acknowledging in a crowded world. When they swat your rear as they pass you in the kitchen you realize they’re grateful for more than just your cooking. It’s a love pat, a public display of affection and a sweet sentiment that can speak to the heart. Maybe it’s time for you to affectionally swat them on the rear and follow it up with a compliment!

Publicly honor your spouse. Whether you’re at the dinner table with your kids, out to lunch with friends, in a small group at church or at the coffee station at work, how we talk about our spouse is just as important as how we talk to them. Brag on your spouse.(1 Thessalonians 5:11) The more you do, the more you can focus on those good things instead of constantly running to the negative habits or things that drive you nuts.

No matter how little or how big you think it is, being intentional in your marriage takes practice. Practice might not make us perfect, but it will always make us better. Keep going, keep pursuing and keep trying because, in the end, it is always worth it. 

Think It Over:

What was the last thing you said about your spouse when they weren’t around? How would that make them feel? When was the last time you flirted with your spouse?

Make a Move:

Make it a point to brag about your spouse publicly. You can do it at dinner, on social media or in the middle of the busyness of their day and tell them how much you love and why you appreciate them. Be specific and intentional. 

from Fully Connected Marriage

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

‘Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. ‘ 1 John 4:18(NLT)

‘We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ‘ Hebrews 12:2(NLT)

Marriage is worth the work and there is a vast amount of attacks on marriage. Whether it’s the temptation of a coworker who is really fun to talk to, the reality of your current financial struggle that seems impossible to walk through or the ridicule of those around you, marriage is constantly being attacked. But in the end, God wins. We just have to surrender to His will and His ways. We know this because that is the truth of the gospel. We just have to live like we believe it. 

At elevateHim, the team has seen countless schemes of the enemy to steal, kill and destroy marriages and families but we’ve narrowed down a few key marriage killers. When we know the potholes to avoid, our marriages are preserved, strengthened and empowered to be all God created them to be.

Marriage Killer #1 – Isolation 

Isolation happens when we choose to withdrawal from our friends, church and each other. Animals become prey and are the most vulnerable when separated from the pack. Most men or women are tempted and fall into selfish sin patterns when they are alone. We were never meant to do life alone. That’s why God said, “it’s not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18)

Relationships matter. Living in community and doing life with other believers is vital to a healthy marriage. 

Being fully connected to God and each other is important but so is surrounding yourself with other believers who can love you in the middle of the hard stuff and celebrate with you in the good stuff. Isolation removes the healthy influences in our lives and creates space for us to make choices that might not reflect the nature and character of God, His will for our life or honor the one we promised to forever.  

Marriage Killer #2 – Indifference

Indifference comes into play when we quit caring. Somewhere along the way we stopped looking at our spouse, stopped trying to make things better, quit growing together and put our marriage on the back burner. Indifference is a slippery slope and causes us to drift further and further apart. Without real relationship with God, connecting conversations with our spouse, intimate encounters that are special and reserved just for us, we begin going through the motions and believe that we can fall out of love. Love is a choice, on display every day through our words and actions. Living fully connected means I will look at you, look for you and look out for you. I’m “all in” and “in it to win it”.

Marriage Killer #3 – Insecurity

Insecurity is always about me and is always fueled by fear, pride, unbelief, trauma or rejection. It could be a combination of a few of them or all of them wrapped into one nasty little package. Perfect Love Casts out fear. (1 John 4:18) The only perfect love is the love of God. If I expect my spouse to take God’s place and give me perfect love, then I am left empty and unhappy. The problem is that my feelings and my needs become my primary focus. I am most worried about myself instead of acknowledging my spouse or the God who is at work in them. Insecurity allows my feelings to drive the ship instead of God’s truth guiding our beliefs. In a fully connected marriage, insecurity becomes a chance to be authentic and allow your spouse to love you through it instead of a crippling weight robbing you of intimacy and fun. 

Now we know this is not an extensive list and there are traumatic, life-altering events that can affect us. Childhood abuse, infidelity, addiction, extreme narcissism and abuse are all factors and real marriage killers. If you are in the middle of any of these situations, please know that we are praying for you.

Think It Over:

Which marriage killer tries to attack our marriage? What is one thing I can do when the enemy tries to use that tactic against us?

Make a Move:

Pick a scripture and write it on a post-it note or scratch piece of paper and place it somewhere that you can see it to serve as a daily reminder of truth. Snap a picture of it and post it on social media and use the hashtag #fullyconnectedmarriage to see how couples across the country are being intentional.

from Fully Connected Marriage

‘When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future. ‘ John 16:13(NLT)

‘And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 4:19(NLT)

‘Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ‘ Ephesians 3:20(NLT)

‘Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”’ Hebrews 13:5(NLT)

Have you ever had a hard day, week, month, or season in your marriage? You’re not alone. 

I like to refer to our hard stuff in marriage as a “hard minute”. The conversation in my head usually goes something like this, “we are having a hard minute Lord, I need you. Help me to see clearly, keep my heart in alignment with your truth, my emotions in check and let my words be few.”  

Every single one of these pleas can be found in the Word of God and are there for my provision, protection and direction. They guide me, realign me and call me to more.  

Your “hard minute” and my “hard minute” probably look completely different but that doesn’t make them any less awkward or painful at the moment. We are fed the lie that marriage is bliss and everyone else’s marriage is perfect. They never fight, disagree, argue or struggle. Well… let me be the first to tell you “they” very much struggle, argue, disagree and fight. Can I stand-in for the people you think have the perfect marriage?

Last week my husband and I were frustrated with each other. I needed more communication and he needed more sex. Can I say that here? I just did! We weren’t seeing eye to eye and definitely weren’t connecting the way that each of us needed. In fact, we have a tendency to engage in a “sex standoff” when one of us feels like our needs aren’t being met. We withhold and use intimacy as a bargaining chip. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve done it, you’ve done it and “they’ve” done it. 

While sex and communication aren’t the real roots here, they are the fruit that brings to light the true heart and real issue. Underneath the frustration and disappointment is a hurting heart, and true longing to be known, seen, validated and fully connected. 

It starts with my connection with God. Have we taken a minute to evaluate where we are in proximity to God? He doesn’t move, He is unchanging, but life’s circumstances can cause us to fall away before we even realize how far off course we might be. 

My prayers are simple and intentional.

Provision

Lord, you are everything I need. You will supply all of my needs according to your riches in glory (Philippians 4:19). Thank you that you go before me, you are here with me and you will give me everything I need to walk through this season, situation or circumstance. I trust you, God, to provide and I thank you that as I walk out my trust in you, your provision is more than I could ask for or imagine. (Ephesians S 3:20)

Protection

Lord you know me, you see me, you are with me and you never leave me. (Hebrews 13:5) God, you care about my heart, my needs, my desires and my dreams. Protect me from rejection, disappointment, frustration and fear. Keep my heart lined up with the truth from your Word and your intimate love for me. When my spouse tries to wound me with their words, protect my heart. When the world tries to wear me down, give me strength. When the enemy tries to steal, kill and destroy, show me how to walk in the full life you promised me. 

Direction

God, I need you. You are the way the truth and the life. Every day I’m faced with choices and decisions that require more of me than I am confident to give. Show me your way. Teach me your ways. Guide me in all truth as only you can do. 

Think It Over:

What areas of our marriage do we need God’s provision, protection, and direction?

Make a Move:

God’s Word addresses almost every problem we face. Grab a truth from the Word of God about your current struggle or situation and use that scripture as your prayer to God. Simply insert your name or need into the scripture and read it out loud whenever you need the reminder. 

from Fully Connected Marriage

‘You are good and do only good; teach me your decrees.’ Psalms 119:68(NLT)

‘Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good! And evening passed and morning came, marking the sixth day.’ Genesis 1:31(NLT)

‘For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.’ Ephesians 2:10(NLT)

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

Many people see God through lenses that distort His true nature and character. According to 1 Corinthians 13, true love keeps no record of wrong. God is not the God of wrath and judgment but rather the God of love. It is His love that draws us to true repentance (thinking His way). There are three elements that come into play: how you see God, what you believe about how He sees you? Your willingness to see others the way He sees them is a key that can unlock the door for you to live and love fully connected to God and each other.

Truth #1: God is good. 

If we can grab ahold of this fundamental truth and keep it at the forefront of our minds our relationship with God will be solid and our relationship with our spouse will be on the right track. 

Many times, the world around us or the world in general, will shape our view of God and each other. It’s two-fold. I will venture to say if you do not believe God is good you will not see your spouse as good and if you cannot honestly say your spouse is good you might have a misguided view of God.

Now before you throw out the baby with the bathwater let me establish a few things. 

God is good. Meditate on God’s Word in Psalm 34:8, Psalm 107:1 and Psalm 119:68.

God created the world and everything in it, including us, and said that it is good. (Genesis 1:31)

Marriage was designed by God and marriage is good. (Genesis 2:18)

Truth # 2: In Christ, your spouse is good. 

No matter what they may have said or done they are God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works that God prepared in advance for them to do…just like you. (Ephesians 2:10) The same scriptures that apply to your life and speak to your true identity in Christ define the identity and life of your spouse as well. At times we can allow the pride of “greater than” to rise up and call something bad that God declares good. 

Our spouse needs us to believe that they are good (uniquely designed, favored, and loved). In a world where situations, circumstances, people and the enemy are trying to tell them who they are (or aren’t) your greatest privilege is to tell them who they are. And if they aren’t acting like who they were created to be, call them up. Tell them they are a great man of God or an incredible wife and pretty soon they’ll believe it. As they begin to believe it their actions will start to line up with their belief. Right believing causes our behavior to change!

As a young wife and mom, I didn’t have a lot of training in the kitchen. Actually, I had no training in the kitchen. The only thing I had made myself before leaving home was probably a sandwich and a frozen pizza. My husband was cheated in the home chef department. Even when I tried to cook things, they weren’t good. I knew it and he knew it. We would laugh it off but every “babe, you’re not a very good cook” began to shape my belief. My belief then shaped my actions. I believed I couldn’t cook so I didn’t cook. We ate a lot of fast food, went out to eat way more than we should have as a young couple on a budget and ate tacos or spaghetti the rest of the nights (because how can you mess up browned meat, a tortilla or noodles and salsa or pasta sauce?) This went on for years until the moment I chose to believe there was more, my spouse believed in me, and I put in the practice until one day, I was a good cook. 

This applies to our marriage because no matter what you identify with, there are areas you are weak and areas you are strong. Neither your strength nor weaknesses get to be the sole definer of who we are as a person, as a spouse or as a parent. In Christ, God says we are good and it’s our job to believe it. God says our spouse is good and it’s our job to help them believe it. 

Truth #3: Your marriage is good.

A vital part of this equation is a solid belief that God designed marriage and destined for us to have a good marriage. The day in and day out life may look and feel messy, but the truth remains; we said, “I Do” to the man or woman you are married to “until death do you part”. In the same way, what we believe about our spouse shapes how we act; what we believe about our marriage shapes how we act.  

Marriage was designed from the beginning of time to create a helper suitable for Adam so they could cultivate and work the garden together. God declared that it wasn’t good for man to be alone and his solution to the problem was Eve. She was not the problem; she was God’s creative solution and provision for man. While they both got themselves into trouble and made us all miss out on the perfection in the Garden, they also got to experience the joy of life and the pain of loss together. Because of their decisions, Jesus became the ultimate solution to all of our problems. 

If you can choose to say, “your marriage is good”, “you’re in it to win it” and “you’re better together” then you will have a fighting chance against any and everything that comes against you. 

“Your marriage has a 100% chance of success if you do it God’s way.” (Jimmy Evans)

If you’ve read any of Jimmy Evans books or heard him speak, I guarantee you’ve heard this statement and I believe it 100% as well. I believe it for my own marriage, and I believe it for yours. Every marriage has the opportunity for greatness and to greatly reflect the goodness of God. Our level of surrender and trust determines His ability to work and move in us and through us. 

Think It Over:

Do you believe God is good, you are good, and your marriage is good? If not, what makes you believe that?

Make a Move:

In your own words, tell God He is good, why He is good and thank Him. Give yourself a little pep talk and remind yourself that God says you are good, He created you and He will finish the good work He started in you. Declare that your marriage is good when God is at the center and you are both working to live and love fully connected

from Fully Connected Marriage