Month: September 2020

‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)

There’s a type of frost that happens in relationships, a cooling that comes in quietly; unannounced—like a thief in the night. It has the power to kill as it slowly sweeps in, sending invisible shock waves into our hearts and into our relationships. It is the frost of apathy, and it is one of the quietest and most dangerous intruders. 

Every relationship goes through a season when the heightened emotions of spring and the passion of summer begin to cool off in the reality of everyday life. Despite what they try to get you to believe in Hollywood, the majority of life isn’t actually romantic at all. Most of the interactions you will have in your relationship have very little to do with romance and sexual chemistry, and very much to do with the day-in, day-out process of real life. 

Romance in a relationship isn’t just about making out, planning special dates, writing elaborate notes, and buying chocolates and roses—it’s also about making the bed, planning the weekly dinner menu, writing out the list of things that need to be done this week, and buying new lightbulbs at Home Depot.

Passion in a relationship isn’t just displayed with grand gestures of affection—it is also displayed in loading the dishwasher, running a load of laundry, getting the oil changed in the car and remembering to pay the bills. 

Chemistry might be about emotions, but commitment—long term commitment—is about actions. True love is fully displayed in the day-in, day-out actions of everyday life. There is a deep intimacy that comes within the framework of the normalcy of life and doing life together. But, if we are not careful, the deep comforts of doing life together can quietly morph into apathy. 

As with all the other seasons of a relationship, there’s no exact time frame for when a couple will reach the frost of winter. But for the majority of couples, it happens when they’ve been together for a few years. The higher the level of comfort, the more likely that the frost of winter will find its way in to the relationship. 

Many married couples experience this at some point in their relationship. There’s nothing majorly disturbing in their relationship, but then again, there’s nothing majorly exciting either. Their relationship has gone from fiery to functional, and their daily interactions have less to do with love and more to do with living. They feel caught in apathy, going through the motions of a relationship without actually engaging in the relationship. 

For some couples, the sting of apathy goes unnoticed for quite some time. They can go on for months or years without ever realizing that they are experiencing a lack of connection, affection, and enthusiasm in their relationship. They do not even realize that their relationship has taken a backseat. They may spend the evenings sitting in the same room but hardly interacting. For others, the frostbite of apathy stings harder, and they find themselves completely aware that they are going through the motions of a relationship with feelings of discouragement, loneliness, and despair. They feel indifferent and detached. They find themselves disconnected from their partner and they are not sure how to solve the problem, because they don’t know exactly what the problem is.

 So how does a couple deal with the frost of winter? And if it is something that every couple will likely experience at some point, how can a couple be sure to get through the frost together rather than allowing it to become the norm?  

First, we need to know that a healthy relationship is not something we find, it’s something we have to make. 1 Corinthians 13 gives us a list of action steps for love, because love comes down to what we do – not how we feel. One action at a time that leads the warming of emotions, and makes way for spring to come again. 

Here are some suggestions: 

1. Identify the root cause of the issue. 

2. Discuss the Problem.

3. Come up with a plan of action.

If you feel stuck in the season of winter, please remember that spring can come again. Taking action in Winter is what makes a way for Spring. It’s important to use the time of Winter in a relationship to identify the things you need to change and take steps toward to bringing warmth to your relationship again. 

What can you do to begin the process today?  

from Love in Every Season by Debra Fileta

‘Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser. Let those with understanding receive guidance’ Proverbs 1:5(NLT)

‘Intelligent people are always ready to learn. Their ears are open for knowledge.’ Proverbs 18:15(NLT)

When you’re putting a puzzle together, you have to remember that the pieces won’t be identical, but they’ll  fit together. Their shapes will be compatible, and their colors will be similar. 

Healthy relationships work much the same way, and fall is the season where our true colors begin to shine through. It’s the season that tests our compatibility. 

While some might define compatibility to mean similarities in a relationship, I like to see compatibility as the ability to come together. Compatibility is the ability to work together and to see life from the other person’s perspective. It is the ability to find value and worth in what the other person brings to the relationship. It is the opportunity to learn from one another. All over scripture we’re taught the importance of being people who are constantly learning and growing. 

God uses our closest relationship to teach us, change us, and transform us. 

On one hand, similarities in a relationship do make compatibility easier. The more similar you are in your perspective, the easier it is to see life through the other person’s eyes. 

On the other hand, differences can add depth and excitement to a couple’s relationship. Differences can be the catalyst toward growth, maturity, and well-roundedness. 

Yet, at the end of the day, it is not simply the sum of a couple’s differences or similarities that makes or breaks them—it’s their compatibility: their ability to handle those differences. Compatibility is a couple’s ability to come together, respect, learn from, and appreciate each other in their differences. Naturally, the more differences, the more effort, energy, and investment it takes to “come together.” The more compatible a couple is—the more they can “come together” in the many aspects of their life—the less stress they’ll face in their relationship. 

Healthy relationships also require us to understand the art of a good match and the importance of compatibility. They require us to learn, to grow, and to change. 

If you are single and reading this today: beware of acting of desperation, grabbing a piece from the pile of relationships and frantically jamming it in, trying to make it fit. You may feel tired, lonely, and like time is running out. If I can’t find something that fits, I’m just going to make it fit, you may be telling yourself. You might try and try to make that relationship work, even though you and your significant other are not a good match. If you go that route, you end up with a broken heart—bent and bruised from a lack of discernment and understanding. But this doesn’t have to be the process, because the more you know yourself, the better you’ll recognize the type of person who matches your life.

For those who are married, it is important to acknowledge that differences don’t have to destroy you, if you come at them in a healthy way. Compatibility is something you have to work toward. The first step to moving toward compatibility is really seeing and appreciating your differences rather than simply looking through them. Sometimes, we get so accustomed to how things are that we react instead of stepping back to ask the important questions. Why do we come to the table with different perspectives? What has shaped our temperaments and communication styles? Where is there room for growth and change and healing? How are we going to choose to come together? 

Piece by piece, little by little, question by question, we can start seeing the big picture of our relationship, working together to create something beautiful, filled with all kinds of magnificent colors.

How can I learn and grow from the relationships God has given me? 

from Love in Every Season by Debra Fileta

‘Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? ‘ 2 Corinthians 6:14(NLT)

‘Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame.’ Song of Songs 8:6(NLT)

If you’ve grown up in the church, you’ve likely heard the term “equally yoked.” This phrase is taken from 2 Corinthians 6:14, which says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 

Usually, this passage is shared in the context of explaining that when it comes to romantic relationships, we need to make sure we are in a relationship with someone who identifies as a Christian. I think there’s so much value in that interpretation of Scripture, but I’d like to take that analogy just a little bit deeper, because we sell ourselves short of healthy relationships by not looking at the big picture of the context of this passage.

When talking about being “yoked together” in 2 Corinthians, Paul is using a farming metaphor. In order to grasp this analogy to its fullest, you have to understand some of the intricacies of farming culture. Living in the Amish town of Lancaster, PA, and interacting with farmers on a regular basis, I’ve learned a lot more about farming and agriculture than I ever could have imagined.

In the farming world, “yoking” is essentially pairing two animals together in order to prepare them for the work of plowing. The yoke was the solid wooden structure that would hold the pair of animals together. Now, when it comes to yoking two animals, it’s a no-brainer that you are going to pair two of the same type of animal. Two mules, two horses, etc. Two different animals would never work together in a setting like this. But not only that, the farmer’s job was to try and yoke together the two animals that were also the best fit. He had to find a good team. 

A good team has to be compatible in their strength, their disposition, and their personality. They had to be matched based on their ability to pull—together. If one animal is weaker than the other, the weak one will hold the strong one back. Because of the lack of balance, they’ll have to work much harder, but without the reward.

But, on the other hand, a team that is equally yoked is worth its weight in gold. They work together, pull together, and never give up. A good team is always going to be found side-by-side. 

This is why I believe God’s word is adamant that believers need to be equally yoked in relationships.  We’re not just asked to be in relationship with someone who calls themselves a Christian like us, we need to find someone who matches us spiritually in their strength, their disposition, and their personality.  Someone who will make a good team. 

We need someone who loves God the way we love God, who prioritizes their relationship with Jesus the way we prioritize ours. The person who exudes the fruit of the Holy Spirit at work in their life the way we exude it in ours is the one we want. 

We want someone who is similarly committed to God and is ready and willing to do the good, hard, work of the kingdom of God. This is not just about marrying a Christian, this is about being matched together with someone who is wholly committed to plowing through life with you—the good, the bad, and the ugly of life—by your side, hand in hand, moving in God’s direction, even when there’s nothing but their vows keeping them there. Not only is it important to look for someone like that, it’s crucial that we become someone like that, because our team will only be as strong as the weakest link.

One of the most important aspects of the season of summer is to take inventory of the level of spiritual fire exuding from your relationship. The fire of God at work in your life is what fuels your love and, in turn, fuels your relationship. 

When our relationships are rooted in that kind of love, nothing can stop us. “For love is as strong as death . . . it burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame” (Song of Solomon 8:6). 

What are some ways you can fuel the fire of God in your life, starting today?

from Love in Every Season by Debra Fileta

‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11(NLT)

‘Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.’ Proverbs 4:23(NLT)

The season of spring is full of growth. 

Like plants, relationships require a pattern of give-and-take in order for them to grow. If you are in a relationship in which you are constantly giving and never taking anything in return, your relationship will eventually stop growing. On the converse, if you are in a relationship in which you are doing all the taking and giving nothing in return, your relationship will soon die. 

This type of pattern cannot be maintained in nature or in relationships. Healthy relationships have to be made up of just the right amount of giving and taking. Spring is an important season, because it is the time to assess the pattern of give-and-take in your closest relationships.

1 Thessalonians 5:11, reminds us that relationships require mutual encouragement, edification, and building one another up. It’s a two-way street. Give-and-take. 

But unfortunately, many of us are in relationships that are one-way. One-way relationships consist of two people, but only one person is doing most of the work.

The interesting thing about one-way relationships, is that no matter who is doing the giving or taking, it always takes two people to keep them going. Behind every one-way relationship there is a person who is giving too much and expecting too little.A person who continues to make excuses. A person who continues to see the relationship for what it could be, rather than what it actually is. A person who is failing to set proper expectations and healthy boundaries.

Some of you are reading this and nodding your head in agreement. But I know there are others of you that are not so sure. “Can you really ‘give too much’ as a Christian? Aren’t we called to love like Jesus? Shouldn’t we give, and give, and give—expecting nothing in return?” 

For some of you, the idea of setting limits and boundaries in your life is a hard one to grasp. You see love as an unconditional aspect of relationships, and rightly so. But loving someone does not mean allowing them to have a free pass to do what they want, when they want, how they want it, with little to no consequences. Love does not mean that we enable an unhealthy relationship, allowing someone to take advantage of us, hurt us repeatedly, or use and abuse us in the name of “selflessness.”

But selflessness does not mean ignoring your needs or keeping them to yourself. It doesn’t mean staying silent and expecting others to know what you want or need. And it doesn’t mean holding back, particularly when speaking up could be beneficial to your personal health and the health of your relationship.

Not only is a giving-too-much mentality unhealthy for the giver, it is also unhealthy for the taker. It fuels a pattern of dysfunction in a relationship, rather than calling the relationship, and the people involved in that relationship, to a better place. It enables the taker to continue behaving in a harmful way, without challenging them to get healthy. 

Healthy relationships are defined by give-and-take, and being a person who only gives and never takes is living a passive life, not a selfless one. It’s up to you to identify your needs and then express them in a respectful, assertive, and loving way. 

Take inventory of your relationships today and ask yourself if there’s an area where you’re “giving too much”. God calls us to guard our hearts, because our hearts are valuable and worth protecting. And having a healthy heart, leads us to healthy relationships.  

Ask God to help you set boundaries and limits around your heart, and make this the year of healthy giving-and-receiving.

from Love in Every Season by Debra Fileta

‘For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.’ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8(NLT)

Solomon, one of the wisest people to walk the earth, understood that for everything in life there are seasons. In Ecclesiastes 3:1, he reminds us that, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” (NIV). 

God instilled creation with a beautiful order and our relationships are yet another avenue in which we get to see His creativity, wisdom, and majesty unfold. 

As a professional counselor and relationship specialist, one thing I have witnessed is that all relationships pass through a predictable pattern of interactions that I like to call the “seasons” of a relationship: spring, summer, fall, and winter. 

These four seasons of a relationship mimic the seasons we pass through in nature. Just as nature passes through the four seasons, so do relationships. The seasons don’t always happen in order. They can take months to unfold in a relationship or even years. And often, a relationship will cycle through these seasons again and again. But their presence is always sure and their purpose clear. 

Spring is a time of new beginnings. In spring, emotions are in full bloom. Everything about the relationship seems bright and beautiful. Attraction is growing at a very rapid pace. Spring is a time of planting good seeds in a relationship and a time of uprooting any harmful weeds, and we have to know exactly what we’re looking for in order for our relationship to succeed. 

The season of Summer in a relationship is when things start to get hot. The heat of summer causes us to begin shedding our layers, getting to know one another in a deeper and more deliberate way. We start experiencing the warmth of emotional intimacy, the heat of physical intimacy, and the fire of spiritual intimacy, and we’ve got to learn how to navigate each of those areas in a healthy and meaningful way so that we don’t get burned. 

Fall is when our true colors begin to shine in the relationship. We’re no longer blinded by the brightness and beauty of spring, because in fall we begin to see things as they really are. The cover we once had begins to fall and we realize we’ve got nowhere to hide from our flaws and weaknesses. It’s a season of deep connection and communication and we either learn to embrace the vulnerability and authenticity of this season, or our relationship gets stuck. 

Then there’s the season of Winter: the time when things begin to cool as the normalcy of day to day life sets in. Winter offers us an opportunity to lean in to the comfort and stability of familiarity, but it also sets us up for the dangerous frost of apathy and the freezing of intentionality. We can start getting so accustomed to love, that we begin to take it for granted. If we approach winter with understanding, we can allow our relationship to be strengthen by the struggle; otherwise we allow the struggle to sever our relationship. 

Each season of a relationship is unique and necessary, revealing both the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship. Some seasons come with difficulty. Others are filled with joy. But each season plays a specific role in determining the health and well-being of your relationship. It’s crucial to recognize the seasons, so that you can begin to learn from them. 

No matter what your age or stage of relationship—single, dating, or married—the quality of your relationships impacts the quality of your life. For those who are willing and ready, there is an opportunity to find love in every season.

from Love in Every Season by Debra Fileta