Month: September 2020

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Infidelity: ZZ

Remaining Faithful

‘Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. ‘ Hebrews 10:23(NLT)

‘Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ ‘ Matthew 22:37(NLT)

‘“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. ‘ John 15:5(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

One of the last times that I met with Emily and Aiden, I wanted to challenge them. I knew they had to keep doing the things in their marriage that they began over these past two years. I also knew what could happen if they did not. Just because a couple goes through and comes out of infidelity does not erase their vulnerability for the rest of their lives. The key to keeping and continuing to build an Awesome Marriage is consistency. It’s doing the things that work day after day after day. I asked them to get another couple they trusted to be their accountability partners. This would be a couple that would regularly check on them to make sure they were on the right path. They both agreed on Aiden’s friend that was there from the beginning and his wife. This was a great choice.

There were a lot of dark days in their past and now it was time to work on a string of sunny or a least partly sunny days. We talked about things they liked to do together for fun and some new things to try. They needed to begin to really reap the rewards of all the hard work. Enjoying each other and having fun together are so important to an Awesome Marriage.  

Honestly, I believe without a doubt that prayer was what God used to heal this marriage. It was a combination of Aiden’s prayers, Emily’s prayers, and their prayers together. God knit them together with Him in a close, intimate way. Being purposeful in prayer for the rest of their marriage was a non-negotiable.  

Emily and Aiden made it. Wherever you are in your marriage today, you can make it just like they did. Here is the difference I saw in Emily and Aiden and the way they fought through infidelity. They did not just want to just survive. They wanted their marriage to thrive. They wanted it better than ever. They wanted every bit of what God had for them in marriage and God showed up like He does with more blessings than they could ever imagine.  

Today’s Challenge: Dr. Kim shares that putting God first and your spouse next can help you remain faithful. What do you need to do this week to make sure you are putting God first and your spouse second? 

Going Deeper:

1. Make a commitment to praying for your marriage daily.  

2. Dr. Kim shares that one practical thing you can do to safeguard your marriage is to invest in it. Plan something fun to do with your spouse this week. 

3. If you have considered taking any kind of baby step towards an affair, get help today. Don’t wait until an affair has taken place, go seek help from a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend. 

4. Pray and ask God to help you make a commitment to faithfulness in your marriage.

from Infidelity – Part 2 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
Infidelity: ZZ

Saving a Marriage

‘Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ‘ Romans 12:12(NLT)

‘We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people, who live in the light. ‘ Colossians 1:11-12(NLT)

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ‘ Colossians 3:12(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

One person cannot make a marriage work. No matter how much you want an Awesome Marriage, you cannot do it alone. It is interesting that one person can destroy a marriage all by themself. That one spouse can end all that was built and all the hopes and dreams of the future. Yet, if a marriage is to be rebuilt, it takes two. As Emily came more and more on board, the marriage she thought was lost forever began to rise out of the devastation. Aiden did what I think is one of the most difficult steps in rebuilding a marriage; he was patient. As much as he wanted this marriage to work, he had to wait on Emily and that turned out to be a long wait.  

If you find yourselves in Emily and Aiden’s shoes, here are some of the things they did that were essential to healing. First, they got help. Aiden reached out first to a trusted Christian friend who proved invaluable in the process. Emily reached out to a professional. That was a big step in the right direction by getting someone who understood what it would take to heal this marriage. Second, in their own way they both grieved the loss of the marriage they once had together. This had to happen before a new marriage could be built. Third, they both made important life changes.  God became first every day and then second came each other. God first. Spouse second. I promise it works! They carved out time alone together every day. At the right time they began date nights and nothing got in the way of these times together. Finally, they prayed. It was difficult and awkward at first but became easier and more frequent as time passed.  

Just wanting a marriage to heal is not enough. It takes time and work and of course, God. I promise you this though – it will be worth it. Without a doubt, it will be worth it.

Today’s Challenge: Make a commitment to take time to spend talking with each other each day undistracted by anything else. 

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that being patient is vital to saving your marriage when infidelity has occurred. Pray and ask God to help you be patient as you walk through the process of healing and rebuilding trust in your marriage. 

2. What needs to change in order for you to build a marriage that you can both value? 

3. Pray and ask God to heal your marriage and help you work towards building an awesome marriage. 

from Infidelity – Part 2 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
Infidelity: ZZ

The Healing Process: Rebuilding Trust

‘Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God. ‘ Romans 14:12(NLT)

‘Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. ‘ Galatians 6:1-2(NLT)

‘Now repent of your sins and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped away. ‘ Acts of the Apostles 3:19(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

About three weeks after I saw Emily the first time, she and Aiden sat in my office together. Emily was not making any promises but she was willing to listen and give the marriage a chance. Aiden was scared and it was written all over his face. He wanted to make this marriage heal and then grow into something better than either of them could imagine. I wanted that for them too and I knew it was what God wanted. I also knew that without God they didn’t have a chance.

Emily had a lot of questions for Aiden and I cautioned her before we proceeded. Often in trying to make sense of something that will never make sense, we ask questions and get way more information than we need. Sometimes this information puts images in our mind that are very difficult to get rid of. Emily seemed to understand and we proceeded cautiously with her questions.  

Aiden had already taken some important steps. He shut down all of his social media accounts. He gave Emily all of his passwords to everything. He put a GPS tracker on his car and Emily could see where he was 24/7. He called her when he got to work and when he left. If he was making a stop out of the ordinary, Emily knew about it ahead of time. Aiden’s friend that helped him after the affair asked him how long he intended to do all of this accountability stuff for Emily. Aiden said, “For the rest of my life.” 

One of the biggest changes happened as Aiden prayed with Emily every day. It was a few months before she responded but as she saw Aiden’s heart and what God was doing in his life, she began to join Aiden in prayer.

I met with them for about two years. There were some really rough days and nights along the way. Today they are on their way to a marriage truly better than before. Trust is now a word that Emily uses when referring to Aiden. Trust is a gift to be handled carefully and cherished in a marriage.

Today’s Challenge: Dr. Kim shares that there is no shortcut to rebuilding trust in a marriage. Make a commitment together to work as hard as you can to rebuild the trust in your marriage. Take time to pray together for your marriage. Lean into God, and ask him to work a miracle in your marriage. 

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that rebuilding trust after an affair takes both spouses’ efforts. If you are the offending spouse, what can you do to show your spouse that you will be honest and consistent enough to trust again? 

2. If you are the offending spouse, how can you be patient with your spouse as they accept these changes? What can you do to show you are understanding of the time it takes as you wait for the trust to be rebuilt? 

3. If you are the offending spouse, take time this week to ask your spouse what you can do to help rebuild the trust. 

4. If you are the offending spouse take these practical steps toward rebuilding trust: repent, show remorse, be accountable with your time, make your life an open book to your spouse, cut off all contact with the person you had an affair with, stay at the comfort level of your spouse, find someone to be accountable to besides just your spouse, and pray. 

from Infidelity – Part 2 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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Infidelity: ZZ

The Healing Process: Forgiveness

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

‘Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.’ Proverbs 19:11(NLT)

‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:31-32(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

Emily sat across from me in my office. Twenty-four hours earlier she learned that her husband, Aiden, had been lying to her for eight months as he covered up an affair.  Devastated doesn’t really do justice to what I saw in her. As she told me the story, she cried, her voice trembled, and her body shook. It was hard to watch. Five years earlier I stood with Aiden and Emily as they recited their vows and then I pronounced them husband and wife. Now those hopes and dreams were shattered by lies, deceit, and a two-month affair.  

Emily suspected something was wrong with Aiden, but not this. Aiden’s affair began at work with a “friend of a friend.” He told Emily it lasted two months and that he ended it on his own. He never planned on telling her about it when he confessed to a friend in his small group a few months earlier. Meeting each week, his friend walked him through a process of healing with God. Eventually Aiden knew to have the marriage God wanted for them that Emily had to know the truth. They could not have a marriage built on lies.  

Emily looked at me with red eyes and said, “I don’t think I can ever forgive him. He asked me to and says he will do anything to make our marriage work but I just don’t know.”  

If a marriage is to heal, forgiveness has to be a part. Forgiveness scared Emily. “What if he did it again? What if he is not really sorry?” I could not answer those questions but I did tell her this. “If there is a chance for this to work, forgiveness has to be given. It may take time and it may be a process but that is what God tells us we need to do.” 

Whether Aiden and Emily’s marriage made it is not the point today. The point is that over time she forgave him. Forgiveness helped Aiden but it set Emily free. Her obedience to do something really difficult that God asked her to do changed Emily forever. It is part of God’s plan. Forgiveness is an essential part of every intimate relationship.

Today’s Challenge:  Dr. Kim shares that forgiveness begins the healing process. Why do you think forgiveness is a process and not just a simple step you take? 

Going Deeper:

1. Hatred, anger, and bitterness can really hurt us. Write down three reasons why forgiveness is healing.

2. Dr. Kim shares that whether or not the marriage is saved, forgiveness is still important because it frees you from anger and emotional bondage. How do you see this ringing true in your life? 

3. If you have been affected by infidelity, pray and ask God to help you work towards the goal of forgiveness and to get on the path of healing. 

from Infidelity – Part 2 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
Infidelity: ZZ

Honesty

‘The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.’ Proverbs 12:22(NLT)

‘Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. ‘ James 5:16(NLT)

‘Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord .” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone. Interlude’ Psalms 32:5(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

If we wrote a list of “essentials” for an Awesome Marriage, honesty would be on that list. Sometimes I think we take honesty for granted. It should be a given in a marriage.  No one stands before their intended spouse, pastor, and a lot of friends and family on their wedding day and says they plan to lie to their spouse “till death do us part.” That would be ridiculous. Yet, how often do the lies begin somewhere down the road of marriage? Unfortunately, more times than we can count. The question is, why?  Why do we step across an invisible line that takes our marriage from one built on trust and complete honesty to one of devastation? No one seems to realize how valuable trust is in a marriage until they lose it and try to build it back.  

We can do a good job of fooling ourselves into thinking that this one little lie is not going to hurt anyone. No one will ever know. The next time that line is a lot easier to cross. Each time we cross it we are digging a bigger grave for our marriage. The first time we cross the line may have nothing to do with infidelity, but the significance of crossing that line just one time is huge. Its effects continue to show up in our marriage after a lot more lies about a lot more things. We have laid a foundation of deceit in our marriage and left the door to infidelity wide open.

The truth is that every lie causes damage. One little lie can wreak havoc in a marriage.  Even if your spouse does not find out, you know, God knows, and you have stepped outside of His plan for your life and for your marriage.  

If you have built a foundation of honesty in your marriage, stand on it with God’s help day after day the rest of your life. If you have broken trust, make a commitment to be totally and completely honest from this day forward to God, to yourself, and to your spouse. It is a big step toward building an Awesome Marriage.

Today’s Challenge:  If an affair has taken place in your marriage, we urge you to seek help in working through it in order to save your marriage. Take time this week to find a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend to help you walk through this and work towards saving your marriage. The wise counsel of a third party can be very helpful. 

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that when an affair has happened it is vital that the offending spouse be honest about what happened. If infidelity has occurred in your marriage, seek help from someone and create a safe place where the offending spouse can be honest about what happened. 

2. When an affair takes place the spouse that was cheated on often wants to know every detail of the affair, but that’s not necessarily the wisest thing. If you have been cheated on ask yourself, “What is beneficial for me to know moving forward? What is fruitful? What details do I need to know so I can trust my spouse again? What details do I not need to know because they would be too hurtful to hear and of no benefit for the relationship?”

3. Dr. Kim shares that if you have trust in your marriage, cherish it. Think of a special way to let your spouse know you are grateful that you can trust them. 

4. If trust has been broken, work as hard as you can to rebuild it. What steps do you need to take this week towards rebuilding the trust in your marriage? 

from Infidelity – Part 2 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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Strong couples rely on community

‘Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. ‘ James 5:16(NLT)

I deeply miss my friends.

The coronavirus has blessed me with more time than ever with my bride and my daughters (which I adore), but it has left me with less time than ever with my friends (which I abhor). A year ago, my wife and I made a commitment to have dinner with three other couples whose faith and marriages we admire. During those monthly meals, we share lots of laughter (most of it appropriate 🙂 and ask lots of honest questions.

How is your marriage doing? Are you choosing “You First”? How about the issue you brought up last month?

As painful as it can be to admit the truth about the current state of my humility, I treasure those questions. They allow my friends/fellow believers to encourage me, pray for me, and lead me to the cross of my Savior, who died for sinful spouses too. I have experienced the truth of James’ words: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Have you experienced that healing too?

If not, reach out to community. Find a couple whom you know and love, one who knows and loves you back. Ask them if you can be honest about the ups and downs of your relationship. Trust me, they will understand. As perfect as they might seem, every couple struggles, even in the church (it’s a hospital for sinners, after all). Be real with them, and ask for their prayers and their advice.

God would love to help you and heal you. According to James, he will most likely do it through them. Not through some Holy Spirit fire descending from heaven, but through the loving response of those who’ve heard your confession of sins.

The enemy would love for that not to happen. He hates spiritual healing. He despises couples who put each other first because they know the Jesus who put them first on the cross. He would adore it if you would just finish this reading plan, check that final box, and keep doing life alone.

So let’s frustrate the devil today and live in community. The Christian faith is not about impressing others with our strength but about relying on others in our weakness.

Because those “others” know exactly where to lead us. Back to Jesus. Back to the cross. Back to the love that never fails.

I pray that this encouragement, and all the ones that came before it, allow you and your family to survive the coronavirus. In fact, I am praying today that you do more than survive.

I pray that you thrive. In Jesus’ name.

from The Corona Survival Guide for Couples by Mike Novotny

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The Ten Commandments of communication

‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.’ Proverbs 18:21(NLT)

‘What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. ‘ James 4:1-2(NLT)

‘“You must not testify falsely against your neighbor.’ Exodus 20:16(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4(NLT)

‘Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.’ Proverbs 10:19(NLT)

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:3-4(NLT)

‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ‘ Hebrews 12:1-2(NLT)

“Pastor, after six years of marriage, I need a reminder of the Ten Commandments of Communication. That might keep us from attacking each other.”

“Pastor, maybe sometime you can go over communication rules with my husband and me. I think that would be good for us.”

Those two messages showed up on my phone just one day apart. I wasn’t surprised.

As the coronavirus continues to affect our lives, our communication skills become even more critical. Increased pressure and heightened stress put the Christian quality of our words to the test.

I think that’s why these wise Christians reached out for help. They wanted to get back to the basics, to push “reset” on their conversational patterns so that their words would speak life and not death.

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:21).

Could you use that help too? Whether you’re hoping to lovingly communicate with your spouse, your kids, or the people on the other side of the screen, these Ten Commandments of Communication are a great place to start. I encourage you to read them over, pray about each one, and then prioritize one or two that you would like to work on this week. 

May God draw you closer together as you do!

  1. You shall not try to “win.”—Our natural/sinful reaction to any argument is to win at all costs. Therefore, mentally remind yourself that this conversation is about loving, not winning. “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight” (James 4:1,2).
  2. You shall never say, “Never.”—In our desire to win an argument, we often lie. How so? We use words like always and never. “You always say that!” “You never think about what I do.” “You always bring that up!” Unfortunately, these are blatant exaggerations that only make the other person defensive (Exodus 20:16).
  3. You shall not interrupt.—When we want to win an argument, we feel the need to interrupt each other. We want to negate the other person’s point by jumping in with our version of the truth. But love is patient and is willing to wait (1 Corinthians 13:4).
  4. You shall pick your battles.—Sharing every single thing that bothers you is the quickest way to become a constant critic and a nag. Cast all your troubles on God but choose which troubles to share with your spouse. “Sin is not ended by multiplying words” (Proverbs 10:19).
  5. You shall resist OCD (Obsessive Comparison Disorder).—When we are criticized, our hearts obsessively compare our behavior to our spouse’s. Is he serving me? Is she always grateful for what I do? Why doesn’t he remember the stuff that I do right? Did she forget the time that I . . . ? Sadly, OCD is a guaranteed way to continue the crazy cycle, miss your spouse’s point, and make your marriage worse. Instead, listen, empathize, and ask, “What can I do to help?” (Philippians 2:3,4).
  6. You shall stick to the subject.—Our hearts hate being called out. Therefore, they desperately search for any other subject to redirect the conversation (“Well, you’re not so perfect either!” “You bring this up after the day I had?”). There might be times to address other issues, but this is not one of them. Focus on the subject that’s troubling your spouse, and you both will be happier faster.
  7. You shall not text (or watch the game or play video games or scroll on your phone . . .) and talk.—Love gives its full attention to another. Since no one likes being half listened to, God wants us to give our full attention to our spouse. Consider saying, “Let me finish up this text, and then I’ll give you my full attention.”
  8. You shall repeat thy spouse’s point.—When we want to win an argument, we are waiting for a pause so we can jump in and throw a few verbal punches. Don’t! Instead, make sure to repeat, in your own words, the point that was just made. Don’t add your opinion. Don’t agree or disagree. Just prove that you were listening and you understand exactly what your spouse is feeling. 
  9. You shall admit thy sins.—In order to “win,” we have to justify our wrongs. “I exaggerated because you . . . I interrupted because what you said wasn’t true . . .” etc. But that only fuels a crazy cycle of hurting each other. Instead, admit, with no strings attached, your sins. You’ll be surprised how often your confession prompts theirs. And even if it doesn’t, it’s the righteous thing to do.
  10. You shall argue at the foot of the cross.—Bringing Jesus’ love into any conversation changes everything. Look up and see the Savior who speaks patiently and graciously to you at your worst moments. Then look out at your spouse. That will give you the humility to speak as a fellow sinner, instead of a holier-than-thou saint (Hebrews 12:1,2).

from The Corona Survival Guide for Couples by Mike Novotny

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“You First!” makes us blessed

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:3-4(NLT)

‘Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. ‘ 1 John 4:11(NLT)

A few years ago, I grabbed a fat black marker and decided to “decorate” the two white throw pillows on our bed.

(I probably should have checked with my wife before unleashing my D+ artistic skills . . .)

On one pillow I inked “You” and on the other “First.” I wanted our bedroom, a symbol of our life together as a couple, to have that message front and center—You First.

After 16 years of marriage, God has taught me (often the hard way) that “You First!” makes us blessed while “Me First!” makes a mess. Whenever I get caught up in too much me—my wants, my preferences, my opinion, my plans, my schedule, my timing—our marriage is a mess. But when I put my wife first, we both end up so blessed.

That wisdom is vital as we all try to make it through the coronavirus.

Because corona has presented us with all kinds of new things to disagree about. What precautions should we take with self-isolation? Should we gather with a few family members for a birthday? Who gets to work where in the house and when and for how long? How clean should we keep the place when we’re in it 24/7? Who has to help the kids with their schoolwork while taking care of their own work? How often will we be intimate given the stress we’re dealing with? When do we all put the screens away and just talk? And who will cook this never-ending, God-help-me-make-it! string of meals?

You been there?

Every difference of opinion is a slow pitch for you to either (1) make a mess or (2) make you blessed. 

Listen to God’s guidance: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3,4). 

I know that can be hard. The selfish part of our hearts can always find a reason or two (or 128) why “me” should come first this time. But God wants the long-term blessing that comes out of short-term sacrifice. So he calls us to choose and live a “You First!” life.

But don’t worry—you have Jesus to help you. Immediately after these challenging words, we hear about the Savior who put us first. Read Philippians 2:5-10 for proof. Despite being in very nature God, Jesus humbled himself and became our servant. He loved lowly people like you, took time for insignificant people like me, and eventually hung on a cross to put us first.

And that makes us so blessed!

Because Jesus put us first, we have God with us wherever we hunker down. We have his wonderfully stubborn love that refuses to let us go, even when we have to keep our distance from one another. In the room where you are (I’m talking to you, child of God!), there is the very God who created the universe! He’s that close! That glorious God is with you!

Because Jesus put you first.

How can we ever thank God for love like that? Here’s one suggestion: “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:11).

How blessed you both will be when you fix your eyes on Jesus and then say to your significant other, “You First!”

from The Corona Survival Guide for Couples by Mike Novotny

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How can I help?

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

“Booze sales are booming!” the internet headline reported.

“Did you see the report on porn use during the pandemic?” a friend texted.

Why do you think so many people, even Christian people, are turning to short-term pleasure during the coronavirus? Besides drunkenness and sexual immorality, many of us are tempted to cross moral lines with online spending, gambling, gaming, and eating. Why might you? Why might your significant other?

According to many experts, addicts are likely to relapse when they’re hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and/or bored (HALTB, as some describe it). I have a hunch that acronym applies to all of us as Christians.

And the coronavirus has created a uniquely tempting time. Many of us are angry about all the uncertainty in our lives. Social distancing has made us lonely while solving work/church/family problems through a buffering video feed that has left us tired. We have played more board games than ever, yet our brains are bored.

No wonder sin seems so appealing.

But this is one of the wonderful blessings of marriage. Right by our side, under our very roof, is a companion. A fellow human who (1) can totally relate and (2) cares about us deeply. As God originally put it, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him’” (Genesis 2:18).

This is one of our greatest callings—to help the one we are with. 

Unlike God, our significant other is not all-powerful. They are weak, frail, and easily tempted. They feel the weight of situations they can’t control and the anxiety of problems they can’t solve. That is why they need so much help, both from God and from us.

So let me offer two encouragements today:

First, ask honest, specific, and safe questions of your significant other. “How are you doing today? Really?” “Lots of people are struggling with this and are turning to alcohol or food or porn. How has that been for you?” Whatever their answer, don’t get angry. (Angry people aren’t good helpers.) Remember that your spouse is a fellow human, perhaps even a fellow brother or sister in Christ, and they need your help. So offer to help. Ask them how their soul is holding up under all this pressure.

Second, offer to pray. You can’t snap your fingers and fix all their problems, but you can talk to the One who can. Tell them that you will pray specifically for their struggle. Write down their request and promise to pray over it during the upcoming day. Put it on a sticky note and stick it to the bathroom mirror so you both see it. Even better, offer to pray right then and there. Thank God for his mercy at the cross. Beg God for a spirit of self-control.

That will help. And this is what we are for one another—helpers.

Especially during a time like this.

from The Corona Survival Guide for Couples by Mike Novotny

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The #1 thing for couples to do

‘Take delight in the Lord , and he will give you your heart’s desires.’ Psalms 37:4(NLT)

‘Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.’ Matthew 6:33(NLT)

Healthy relationships were already hard enough.

Creating and maintaining a you-first, quick-to-listen, how-can-I-help relationship took effort and energy like few other things in our lives. For many of us, the daily choice to love our significant other like Jesus loves us was one of the hardest/most beautiful choices we had learned to make.

And then the coronavirus hit.

In just weeks, what already was hard got harder. Couples were squeezed into small spaces, breathing the same air a bit too often. Gone was the high speed internet of the office, replaced by the plodding pace of our homes’ Wi-Fi, which spun in nauseating circles as she Zoomed with her coworkers and he tried to upload a work video to Google Drive. New questions filled our home-sweet-homes: Who gets to use the comfortable chair for their “office”? Who has to be quiet for whose video chats? Which parent has the responsibility to read all the emails about sixth-grade virtual learning? What does sex look like in a world where the kids can’t leave the house (and we fear the germs carried home on the bodies of essential workers)?

I could go on.

If you’re in a relationship, this is a scary new world. There are new questions, new conversations, and new challenges to work through.

Which is exactly why I wrote these devotions. My hope is that the next few days are a spiritual crash course so you and your ________ (fill in their pet name here) will not just survive the coronavirus but thrive in the midst of it.

So here’s my first encouragement—Seek God.

Back in 2003, in the days when corona was just a beer, I stood before the altar with my bride as our pastor painted a simple yet profound picture of a healthy marriage. He said something like, “Imagine a triangle with God at the top and you two down at the lower points. As each of you personally gets closer to God [his fingers followed the angled lines toward the top of his imaginary triangle], guess what happens to you? You get closer to each other. Closeness to him brings closeness for you.”

Brilliant. And experience has taught me that he was so right.

The closer you and I get to God, the more grace transforms our lives. When we seek him in his Word, we find out that our God is loving, gracious, forgiving, kind, patient, holy, humble, good, and glorious. Through quiet times with chapter and verse, we become thrillingly convinced that we are adored by our Father, made pure by our Savior, and filled with his Spirit. Day by day, God becomes enough for us, satisfying our souls and freeing us from the ugly need to get what we want, when we want it.

King David once wrote, “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

And that, it turns out, is what makes marriage good. Especially in seasons like this.

We will dig into this idea in the days to come, but for now, let me encourage you with my pastor’s advice and David’s inspired words—Seek God. Delight in him. Meditate on who Jesus is and what Jesus has done. Schedule and prioritize time away from the to-do list in order to move one step closer to your Father’s heart.

I know that your world has been shaken up. Old routines were infected and now lay on life support. You are probably scrambling just to get through the day. But when you seek God first, you find out that your heart already has what it needs. Through faith in Jesus, you need to be saved—and you are. You need to be loved—and you are. You need forgiveness for your sins—and there is. You need there to be a plan—and there is. You need hope that things will work out—and they will. You need supernatural power to check all the boxes that God has on his to-do list for you—and you have it.

That’s why I am so grateful that you are reading these words. It means that, even in the midst of the madness, you care about your connection with God. Keep reading. Keep delighting in his promises.

Jesus once said, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33).

Because seeking the God of love leads to love. Love for Jesus. Love for one another.

And that is what we need to thrive.

from The Corona Survival Guide for Couples by Mike Novotny