‘Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:29-32(NLT)
‘When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.’ Galatians 5:19-26(NLT)
‘Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.’ Psalms 139:23-24(NLT)
‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ Proverbs 15:1(NLT)
‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. ‘ James 1:19-20(NLT)
Today let’s unpack the don’ts.
1. Do not correct your spouse. Do not discount, discredit, or devalue what they say. No matter how wrong you think they are. Don’t backseat drive, nag, or pick, pick, pick. When they are telling a story, don’t interrupt them to make sure they get the details right. If they say it was seven years ago, and you know it was only five, let it go. Let these little things go as you work toward the big goal of love and mercy and grace.
2. Do not complain to them, around them, or about them. A discontented spirit is a complaining spirit. A prideful spirit is a complaining spirit. Don’t complain. Period.
3. Do not make comments. Little comments. In-passing comments. Sarcastic comments. Guilt and shaming comments. Make-you-feel-really-bad comments. Under your breath comments. “Just sayin'” comments to “subtly” get your point across, blow off some steam, or indirectly vent your frustration. Don’t make comments with your body language either. It’s amazing how one can make a comment without even saying a word. Eye rolling, shoulder shrugging, a heavy sigh. What are your comments? Make a list.
4. Do not control. Do not try to make your point, get your way, make something happen, or do whatever you can to stop something from happening.* Think about any of the things that you try to do in order to make your point or get your way. Things like putting up a wall. Being unapproachable, indisposed, or distant. Using the silent treatment. Hiding or sulking in the other room. Stomping. Slamming doors. Banging plates. You get the general idea.
5. Do not criticize. Do not put your spouse down with accusations. “You are never satisfied”; “You always find something to be upset about”; and “No one likes you because you are so negative.” Do you have a sharp or negative tone? You may think you aren’t being critical, but it could be the way you are communicating your point. Speak with gentleness.
At the root of many of these bad habits what we are seeking to combat is pride. Pride is subtle but very destructive and divisive. It is the arch enemy of love. We all struggle with it to one extent or another. It is a universal sin. So being aware of the danger of pride in your own heart, daily be QUICK to hear and SLOW to speak.
Close in prayer asking the Lord to help you hear what you are communicating to your spouse with your words and deeds. Ask the Lord to help you grow in love.
*We encourage those in abusive situations to seek help to stop the abuse.
from Dos And Don’ts: A One-Week Plan To Help Your Marriage