‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ‘ Colossians 3:12(NLT)
‘Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.’ Hebrews 10:24-25(NLT)
So much of good parenting is good “spousing.” When we keep each other’s love-tank full, we are better at everything—better parents, better friends, better employees, better neighbors, all because we are not in starvation mode.
As parents, we present a unified front. We don’t look for love from our children to replace our spousal love. We aren’t insecure, so we don’t try to be our children’s favorite. Our marital goals are up to date and remind us that our kids are only with us for a little bit while our marriage is forever. Keeping this in mind helps us to parent as a true team. Like any good team, we do our best to relieve each other’s burdens. We can both sense when the other has had a rough day and then take up the slack where the kids, mealtimes, chores, or other duties come into play. The longer you’re married, the better you become at anticipating your spouse’s needs.
While it may not be obvious right off the bat, many needs we have reach way back into our childhood. Maybe there was food scarcity, fighting, abandonment, lack of engagement, infidelity, insignificance, abuse, or other issues. Much of what we are able to do is meet our spouses where they are at and help to mend the gaps in their hearts.
While neither of us are psychologists, we both have spent a great deal of our lives caring for and listening to people. If we were to boil it down, we all need to feel important, special, noticed, cared for, and needed. We also need to feel that those we love are loyal to us.
If your spouse is asking for something that isn’t on your personal preference list, take time to reflect on what the deeper need is. This will help you have compassion and grace even if you don’t resonate with the specific need itself. Listening is key to understanding and gaining insight. As you peel the layers back, story by story, often what is found are pockets where the love they wanted to feel is missing and the attention they so deeply craved is absent. With every faithful act of love and loyalty, we begin to fill those empty spots and help them feel whole and wholly loved.
from Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy In Love