‘Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.’ Proverbs 18:13(NLT)
We all have a deep longing for emotional connection; it is a fundamental human need. Emotional connection in marriage will only be achieved where there is good communication.
Effective communication
Different levels of communication:
- Level 1: Passing on information
- Level 2: Sharing our ideas and opinions
- Level 3: Being open about our feelings and needs
Level 3 takes vulnerability and requires trust and involves both speaking and listening well.
Good communication is multilayered; it involves:
- our words
- our tone of voice
- our body language
The importance of listening
Our aim in marriage should be to listen twice as much as we talk.
Good listening is one of the most important skills to learn for a strong marriage. Listening has great power to make our husband or wife feel loved and valued.
Hindrances to listening
Five bad listening habits
1. Disengaging
When we have a separate conversation going on in our head or we’re not listening properly because of our physical environment.
2. Reassuring
Not allowing our partner to voice negative emotions.
3. Giving advice
Focusing on solutions rather than empathising with our partner.
4. Going off on a tangent
Taking over the conversation with our own agenda.
5. Interrupting
Failing to let our partner finish what they want to say.
These habits can prevent the speaker from saying what they’re feeling, which may eventually cause them to shut down.
We can all learn the art of effective listening, but it takes time and requires us to be intentional.
Five steps for reflective listening
1. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes
Put your own views to one side and really appreciate what it’s like for your partner to be feeling the way that they do.
2. Acknowledge what they’ve said
When you have listened to what your partner wants to say, reflect back what they have said rather than putting your own opinion or point of view.
3. Find out what is most important
Then ask your husband or wife: ‘What is the most important part of what you have been saying?’
4. Help them work out what they might do
Now ask: ‘Is there anything you would like to do (or, if appropriate, like me or us to do) about what you have said?’
5. Ask if your partner has said all they need to
Don’t assume you already know everything your partner wants to say. If there is more, reflect this back, too.
from The Marriage Course