‘Jacob stayed where he was for the night. Then he selected these gifts from his possessions to present to his brother, Esau: 200 female goats, 20 male goats, 200 ewes, 20 rams, 30 female camels with their young, 40 cows, 10 bulls, 20 female donkeys, and 10 male donkeys. He divided these animals into herds and assigned each to different servants. Then he told his servants, “Go ahead of me with the animals, but keep some distance between the herds.” He gave these instructions to the men leading the first group: “When my brother, Esau, meets you, he will ask, ‘Whose servants are you? Where are you going? Who owns these animals?’ You must reply, ‘They belong to your servant Jacob, but they are a gift for his master Esau. Look, he is coming right behind us.’” Jacob gave the same instructions to the second and third herdsmen and to all who followed behind the herds: “You must say the same thing to Esau when you meet him. And be sure to say, ‘Look, your servant Jacob is right behind us.’” Jacob thought, “I will try to appease him by sending gifts ahead of me. When I see him in person, perhaps he will be friendly to me.” ‘ Genesis 32:13-20(NLT)
‘Then Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, threw his arms around his neck, and kissed him. And they both wept. Then Esau looked at the women and children and asked, “Who are these people with you?” “These are the children God has graciously given to me, your servant,” Jacob replied. Then the servant wives came forward with their children and bowed before him. Next came Leah with her children, and they bowed before him. Finally, Joseph and Rachel came forward and bowed before him. “And what were all the flocks and herds I met as I came?” Esau asked. Jacob replied, “They are a gift, my lord, to ensure your friendship.” “My brother, I have plenty,” Esau answered. “Keep what you have for yourself.” But Jacob insisted, “No, if I have found favor with you, please accept this gift from me. And what a relief to see your friendly smile. It is like seeing the face of God! Please take this gift I have brought you, for God has been very gracious to me. I have more than enough.” And because Jacob insisted, Esau finally accepted the gift.’ Genesis 33:4-11(NLT)
‘Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”’ Matthew 18:21-35(NLT)
‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)
When it comes to marriage, how you end a fight is just as important as how you avoid one because disagreements are inevitable. When you and your mate experience hurt feelings and conflict, it is vitally important to both signal the forgiveness that God commands of us and the acceptance of being forgiven. One of the most effective ways to do that is to share a private signal that says “We’re okay.”
So many of the happy couples I interviewed said they had their own secret language to say “I’m sorry” and “we’re OK.” One reason many couples went from troubled to strong in their relationship was this habit of mutual reconnection after hurt feelings. These signals don’t necessarily mean the problem itself has been resolved, but they let both spouses know that in spite of the problem, the relationship is okay.
What were these signals? They ranged from a basic statement (“are we okay?” “yeah, we’re okay”) all the way to silly little private-language elements that would only make sense to them. Some husbands and wives touched pinkie fingers, some had a funny phrase they shared to make the other person crack up, some had great make-up sex, but almost all of them had their own way of reassuring each other that they were choosing to get over their hard feelings, and their relationship was still strong.
Does “moving on” without making up have the same effect? Well… 70 percent of the happy couples sent these signals, where only 22 percent of the so-so or struggling couples did. It makes a difference.
It also makes a difference if we are willing to receive a signal, not just initiate it – which is why mutual signals are so important. There’s a great example in Genesis 32-33 when Jacob realizes that he has deeply cheated and offended his brother. Using a cultural signal his brother would instantly ‘get’, he sends before him a very generous gift to show he is reaching out for reconciliation. Esau is overjoyed and gladly accepts his offering. Both people know “we’re okay.”
Do you sometimes find yourself struggling to not hold on to your hard feelings? To ask for forgiveness? To accept it? If we want to be happy in our marriages, we need to be willing to give the “all clear” signal and be willing to accept it. When it comes to marriage, things are definitely not better left unsaid.
Dear Lord, please help me to be willing to reach out for forgiveness when I have hurt my spouse. When we’re in a state of conflict, help me remember how important it is to mutually reconnect and let my spouse know that things are still okay between us. Remind me constantly of your grace and love that allows me to forgive just as You have forgiven me. Amen
from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage