‘Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.’ Colossians 3:2-4(NLT)
‘“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?’ Matthew 6:25-30(NLT)
‘No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ‘ Philippians 3:13(NLT)
The intent of today is to help you understand some of the relationship patterns you may have brought into your marriage from your childhood and your previous relationships. With knowledge of these patterns, you can learn positive strategies and stop using ineffective ones. Learning to change old patterns involves recognizing where you are in the process and getting out of it.
The patterns from the past, whether they come from your childhood or previous relationships, were successful and useful when you developed them. These behaviors and patterns helped you cope with the challenges you faced at those times. However, they may no longer be effective if the reasons you used them do not exist in your current marriage.
I want to share what I believe is a very helpful skill to creating a healthy process of handling conflict in your marriage. One of the most effective parenting interventions is the time-out. When a child’s behavior gets out of control or parents need to change the direction of a child’s behavior, they have the child take a time-out. The same principle can work wonders for your marital relationship. The goal is to learn how to work together to effectively disengage when your interactions are not healthy.
Either one of you can call for a time-out, but you both need to commit to honoring the request when it is made. Additionally, you both agree to let go of your desire to win the fight and trust that taking a break is best for both parties. Simply agreeing to table the fight for the time being is far better than saying or doing hurtful things. The important thing here is not to use the time-out to run away from the conflict. The partner who asks for the time-out should let the other partner know when they think it might be okay to talk about the issue again. I cannot overstate the importance of learning to take these time-outs.
By considering the baggage you both bring to the relationship from your families of origin and past relationships, you’ll understand why some of the patterns in your relationship occur. Something as simple (but not easy) as taking a time-out is a learned tool that provides clear steps for changing hurtful patterns within your marriage.
Honor your spouse when they ask for a time-out in the middle of an argument. How did that feel to put their need to ‘pause’ ahead of your need to continue with the argument?
from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch