‘The hopes of the godly result in happiness, but the expectations of the wicked come to nothing.’ Proverbs 10:28(NLT)
‘What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.’ James 4:1-3(NLT)
One main reason for unhappiness in any area of life is expecting something, but then finding that the expectation is not met. Have you ever seen that in marriage? As King Solomon put it in Proverbs, “The hopes of the godly result in happiness, but the expectations of the wicked come to nothing.”
You might be thinking, Wicked? That’s not me! But the wise author of Proverbs often uses stark either-or language to help us see a pattern that is anything less than pure and godly. So here’s my revised question for you:
Do you have any ongoing expectations of your spouse that you think makes perfect sense, but which your spouse finds difficult or impossible to meet? Have you ever found yourself unhappy because you’re focusing on the fact that your spouse isn’t doing the things you wish they would do –or is doing things you wish they wouldn’t do?
Ah.
All of us have certain things that come naturally – and all have things that are very difficult to do consistently, or which take a long time to learn. Instead of continually expecting something and then getting hurt or upset when it doesn’t happen, those in the happiest marriages recognize when they might be expecting something a bit unrealistic from their spouse. They stop themselves from thinking something like, If he really loved me, he would …. Or, If she really appreciated me, she wouldn’t ….
Even better, these happy spouses choose to focus on their mate’s great qualities and appreciate what they can do. For example, instead of “If he really loved me, he would give me a big hug when I am upset with him,” a wife might realize He is probably confused and upset himself, and needs to get away and process. So she responds with grace and decides to not get hung up on that. Instead, she appreciates the way he is always willing to come back and talk about things the next day.
Also, realize your mate doesn’t have psychic abilities! Maybe you hoped your wife would spice things up for your anniversary getaway by buying a special, intimate outfit to reveal. Instead of getting frustrated that she didn’t, realize: how could she have known? If there’s something we want or need from our spouses, we have to say something.
There is a difference between expecting a loving partnership and expecting your spouse to do the impossible. The good news is if you look to God – not your spouse — as the source of your happiness, you will find it much easier to celebrate what your spouse can deliver and set aside those things that they can’t. And you will find that BOTH of you are much happier in the end!
Dear Lord, help me to look to You first and foremost. Teach me to celebrate what my spouse can give rather than expecting something that is very difficult for them. Help me let go of unhappiness from past disappointments, and have a heart of gratitude for my spouse always. Amen.
from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage